kwidge Posted June 18, 2008 Posted June 18, 2008 My wife had an affair with a very close friend of mine. Obviously, he's no friend now. Anyway, my wife and I patched things up, but it's still difficult. I'm often convinced she's trying to leave me. Listen: when we were apart, I joined an online personals site which I abandoned when we got back together. I decided one day, since I was still getting emails from this service, to go in and change my status to married and only looking for friends. (It is true, I should admit, that upon my wife's admission that she had joined the same site, just looking for friends [and I do believe her; she became alienated from many of our friends after the affair], I told her that people only join said site when they're looking for partners. I'm deeply afraid of my wife making new male contacts.) Along the way, I noticed one of my "quick matches" was into the same music I was. My wife and I had a disagreement about one of my favorite bands. I pimped this band (Sparks) to the girl in question. That was it. Nothing more was said. Weeks later, my wife finds this message transaction, and takes it as evidence that I'm cheating on her. I can't seem to console her or change her mind! I'm scared she's really leaving me this time, and for no good reason (or am I wrong?)! Did I screw up? How should I handle this? I love my wife dearly, and I can't stand the thought of her having these thoughts.
jerbear Posted June 18, 2008 Posted June 18, 2008 Tell her like it is. Tell her how you feel. Set some boundaries on how a friendship may go. No emotional sounding boards, no sexual advances, etc... It is quite possible she is retaliating and projecting her ideals saying you can do it, I can do it also. Another possibility is that you two may want to take step back and consider counseling, a dreaded break, or consider divorce.
Author kwidge Posted June 18, 2008 Author Posted June 18, 2008 Thank you both. There may some truth in what you are both saying. She may, indeed, be cheating on me again; that would help explain why she's so adamant to believe that I'm doing it to her. In four years, I never once even fantasized about cheating her or leaving her, so why would I do it now? I just know that I can't keep being treated this way. She has suspected a few times since the affair that I'm doing something to hurt her, but her fears have been ungrounded every time. I don't know how to prove something didn't take place! I did obtain some divorce papers and left them with her. It really does feel like she's trying to take an easy way out--in a way where she can't be blamed. I hate that, but it's understandable. No one wants to feel like a monster. Sadly, the woman I know (or think I know) is far from a monster. In the past she has shown herself to be the sweetest, most loving person I've met. I'm so exhausted by all of this. Thank you for your help. --kwidge
carhill Posted June 18, 2008 Posted June 18, 2008 Suggest counseling if you want this to work. If she declines, go alone. It will help you. All I can say to you is that people, men and women both, change....
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