bulletproofpoet Posted June 18, 2008 Posted June 18, 2008 I asked my wife to move out last October. She didnt move till late November. We were fighting and arguing daily. We would do things just to upset the other and then try to one up the other. Anyways we still talked all the time. I felt this small seperation would get us back on track. After the first of the year she met another man and filled for divorce. So the court date comes and the night before she says she wants to work on us. We postpone court. We went to dinner once and then nothing. all along she continues her other relationship. 3 days before our next court date she calls and says she has broken it off with him. 3 days later she is back with him. So now another court date is approaching and she is trying to work on us. I feel it is to late but can not be sure. I miss her as a person. I have prepareed myslef for being divorced but just want to be sure. My thought is to go through with it and if we want to work on it then we can date. If things work out great if not then then fuss and mess has already been dealt with. Any thoughts?
cyabye Posted June 18, 2008 Posted June 18, 2008 Keep the court date and force her to go through it. What are you? Her security blanket when things aren't working with other guy? Who needs this roller coaster? What makes her so high and mighty that she can do this? She wants her cake and eat it too. I'd throw it right in her face. Time to man up and put the trash on the curb where it belongs once and for all. Let her figure out what she wants on her own while you completely DETACH yourself and initiate NO CONTACT with her except through a lawyer. You deserve better than this. Now is the time to grow a back bone and hold on to your self respect. cyabye
trust Posted June 18, 2008 Posted June 18, 2008 Keep the court date and force her to go through it. What are you? Her security blanket when things aren't working with other guy? Who needs this roller coaster? What makes her so high and mighty that she can do this? She wants her cake and eat it too. I'd throw it right in her face. Time to man up and put the trash on the curb where it belongs once and for all. Let her figure out what she wants on her own while you completely DETACH yourself and initiate NO CONTACT with her except through a lawyer. You deserve better than this. Now is the time to grow a back bone and hold on to your self respect. cyabye @ cyabye: Damn! I didn't know there was another me out there. Excellent advice. Like your sig! Agree with that too - listen more, talk less. And on that note, let me ask a few questions. @ bulletproofpoet: Are you open for advice even if the truth hurts? What do you want to happen? Do you love her? Are you "in love" with her? Do you think she loves you? Do you think she's "in love" with you? How do you show her that you love her? How does she show you that she loves you? Do you have kids? Roughly how old are the both of you? Why did you ask her to move out? Did she cheat? What's your number one complaint of her? What's her number one complaint of you? Can you recite your vows here on the spot? How seriously did you take your vows? What's your marriage based upon, mutual vow agreement or something else? You say she met another man and filed for divorce. Those may be mutually exclusive of each other. *You* asked her to move out. Then she met a man, then she filed for divorce. Sounds like a logical sequence to me. What do *you* want now? For her to move back in? Prior to move out, what devastating things did she say to you? What devastating things did you say to her? These things can be very revealing. Lots of details are glossed over here.
Author bulletproofpoet Posted June 18, 2008 Author Posted June 18, 2008 Are you open for advice even if the truth hurts? Yes What do you want to happen? Not really sure. Best situation I guess is to go through with it and if we decide to try then start over. Do you love her? Yes Are you "in love" with her? I really don't think so due to all the hurt. Do you think she loves you? Yes Do you think she's "in love" with you? Have a hard to believing she is since she did what she did. How do you show her that you love her? Even through all this I have been there when she needed me. How does she show you that she loves you? Not sure that she does. Part of my struggle is she doesn't make me feel important to her. Do you have kids? No, but she wants them now and I am not sure that I do. Roughly how old are the both of you? Late 30s Why did you ask her to move out? Many reasons. Lack of communication. picking on each other. I truely felt we needed a break from each other to focus on what we wanted. Did she cheat? Is it cheating if you are seperated? If the answer is yes then yes she did. What's your number one complaint of her? She lied to me. What's her number one complaint of you? I don't want kids. Can you recite your vows here on the spot? No How seriously did you take your vows? I would say pretty searious since I didn't sleep with anyone else during this time. What's your marriage based upon, mutual vow agreement or something else? I would say something else since she broke her vows. You say she met another man and filed for divorce. Those may be mutually exclusive of each other. *You* asked her to move out. Then she met a man, then she filed for divorce. Sounds like a logical sequence to me. Before I knew about this man I begged her to work on this. She was so cold at that time. Told me to not call her or contact her. What do *you* want now? I really honestly do not know. I feel at this time I can't forgive her for the lying and game playing. But I fear that I will miss her in the end. For her to move back in? No Prior to move out, what devastating things did she say to you? Nothing really. It was her actions found her text messaging and she joined match.com What devastating things did you say to her? Called her a slut and whore. These things can be very revealing. Lots of details are glossed over here.
whichwayisup Posted June 18, 2008 Posted June 18, 2008 You can't let fear rule you. Your wife knows which buttons to push with you and she knows you'll cave (tells you her and the OM are over, then the court date is cancelled and BOOM, she's seeing him again) so what you need to do is GO to the other court date, even if she begs, screams and cries infront of you. Enough is enough already! Show her you mean business here - If she wants a plaything on the side, she can do that but not while she's married to you! Right now she is NOT acting like your wife anyway, so to be honest, you're better off alone, than sticking with someone who disrespects you. Who knows, you two could divorce and later end up dating - reconnecting again.
trust Posted June 20, 2008 Posted June 20, 2008 Are you open for advice even if the truth hurts? Yes What do you want to happen? Not really sure. Best situation I guess is to go through with it and if we decide to try then start over. Do you love her? Yes Are you "in love" with her? I really don't think so due to all the hurt. Do you think she loves you? Yes Do you think she's "in love" with you? Have a hard to believing she is since she did what she did. How do you show her that you love her? Even through all this I have been there when she needed me. How does she show you that she loves you? Not sure that she does. Part of my struggle is she doesn't make me feel important to her. Do you have kids? No, but she wants them now and I am not sure that I do. Roughly how old are the both of you? Late 30s Why did you ask her to move out? Many reasons. Lack of communication. picking on each other. I truely felt we needed a break from each other to focus on what we wanted. Did she cheat? Is it cheating if you are seperated? If the answer is yes then yes she did. What's your number one complaint of her? She lied to me. What's her number one complaint of you? I don't want kids. Can you recite your vows here on the spot? No How seriously did you take your vows? I would say pretty searious since I didn't sleep with anyone else during this time. What's your marriage based upon, mutual vow agreement or something else? I would say something else since she broke her vows. You say she met another man and filed for divorce. Those may be mutually exclusive of each other. *You* asked her to move out. Then she met a man, then she filed for divorce. Sounds like a logical sequence to me. Before I knew about this man I begged her to work on this. She was so cold at that time. Told me to not call her or contact her. What do *you* want now? I really honestly do not know. I feel at this time I can't forgive her for the lying and game playing. But I fear that I will miss her in the end. For her to move back in? No Prior to move out, what devastating things did she say to you? Nothing really. It was her actions found her text messaging and she joined match.com What devastating things did you say to her? Called her a slut and whore. These things can be very revealing. Lots of details are glossed over here. Hi bulletproofpoet. Thanks for answering all of those questions. Now I have a little bit to go on. Your case (so far) sounds like one of those rare cases where I would say stay and work things out. Are you open to counseling? You both will desperately need it. I'm a little worried that you don't know what you want. But I can understand that you are a bit confused right now. Talk with her and see if she is open to counseling. Your approach on this is important. I don't know how you talk to your wife but you wouldn't want to say, "I think you need counseling because of what you've done." Don't go and place any blame. That's what the third party is for. You, like most married men, did a fine job building resentment on your own. You can't afford to go and add any more resentment to your stack. I have no clue what this "lie" is that is your biggest complaint with her (I did mean complaint prior to separation). The kids thing...that is a HUGE problem. How in the world did you marry a woman without covering that base first? Did you both agree to it and then later you changed your mind? If so, that was a pretty cruel thing to do. Another thing....I don't see her "cheating" as a betrayal. You asked her to move out. I don't get the vibe that she has had this desire to be with other men. If you kicked her out. She is human. She will have that need met. I've seen lots worse. You suggesting a break: bad idea. Never do that again. Dude, you're married. This isn't high school. If you can't recite your vows...it's hard for me to believe that you took them seriously. How can you keep a promise if you don't even remember what it is that you promised? Sounds like you "vaguely" know, and it looks like you "vaguely" kept them. Many people just repeat the words... but that's the problem... they're just words. I think there's hope for you. The two of you need to learn to love each other but you don't know how to love her the way she needs to be loved. She doesn't know how to love you the way you would like to be loved. This situation is common and breeds disrespect. This disrespect comes out in the form of all of the stupid things you are doing and saying to each other. Good counseling can fix this. Is there anything else you are not telling me? This is anonymous ya know. Have you had more than 3 people in the past 5 years tell you that you have a temper problem by any chance? I think you have a good shot but it will be a lot of work. Are the both of you up for this? ASK HER AGAIN. You are going to have to "make it happen." If you just sit around and wait for the next bit of drama to just happen on it's own and take a non-aggressive approach...then it's pretty much guaranteed to tank.
Author bulletproofpoet Posted June 26, 2008 Author Posted June 26, 2008 We did discuss children 5 years ago. During that 5 year period she wavered back and forth if she wanted them as well. As time went on I did change my mind (yes it was bad of me). When I told her of my feelings she went crazy. Understandable. She currently is not sure if she really wants kids or not. We did attend counseling last night. After we were both angry from reliving the past 5 months. It was an uncomfortable ride home. No I have never had anyone tell me I have anger issues. In the past week I do know that she sent the other man 1 text, called him once, and he came over to her house. She says 5 minutes and she didn't let him in. I learned all of this in bits an pieces. It started with she only talked to him once on the phone. When I found out he stopped over I asked when she didn't tell me her answer was "you asked if I talked to him on the phone or text". So if I do not ask the right questions then I don't get the complete answers. The counselour told her the 3rd person HAS to be eliminated from the picture for this to have a chance (same thing I have told her for months). She said that she understands and agrees. I asked her if she could repeat our vows and she said no as well. She did know where they were in the house.
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