Dating issue...is it just me or ???

[CaliGuy]

Caliguy ,consult with yourself and ask this question." Do I speak about my feelings because I believe it is very likely to bring her closer and she will be more INTO me ?"

 

I didn't even have to blink at this question. The answer is no. I've always told someone how I feel about them because that is exactly how I felt.

 

HOWEVER! Since the big breakup that brought me to LS, I have been much more reserved. I lacked a lot of confidence and self-esteem. All those issues have been put to bed so I know that isn't the problem now. I'm not chasing or trying to force anything. I'm trying to go with the flow, so to speak.

[CaliGuy]

I get the impression that Caliguy has a lot going for him.

 

I think this is not about expressing emotions, per se, but about expressing interest without the games. Like, hey, I like you, you're cool, let's hang out. After the date, if he still likes them, he doesn't hesitate to tell them he wants to see them again. Am I right?

 

You are 100% right.

[audrey_1]

If you TELL a woman " how you feel" about her , there must be two preconditions for your "confession" if it is to enhance the relationship.

 

1.She MUST have demonstrated high levels of interest in you over a significant period of time,. You should be certain that she is committed to your relationship, she is 100% trustworthy and that YOU are her priority.

 

On the flip side of this, what if you've been patient, and NOT showing high levels of interest because you're afraid your heart is going to be broken? Maybe you're afraid if you put all your eggs in one basket, you'll end up disappointed in the end? It's hard to be interested in and committed to what you're unsure of. Women should love blindly while men keep all their cards close to their vest? Seems unfair.

2. YOu must have created a huge level of value to her. By this i mean that you have your own successful career , solid hobbies and recreation,

perhaps good friends, and a high social value. Good health is also essential

She needs to see that you are a man in demand.

 

I have been patient in my current relationship of a year directly tied to what you say in #2. The property his business was on over the last ten years was sold, and he passed on buying it to pursue other endeavors, none of which have come to fruition at the moment. So I've been put on the backburner while he "pursues financial stability." And his most promising potential opportunity was put in motion BY ME.

 

He refers to me as his friend, says let's keep it casual, but mentions a future with me in it. And he shows me glimpses of truly caring deeply for me. It's utterly confusing. Because of me, he does focus more on his health; because of me, he does seem to understand what it means to be engaging and care about the world and its bigger issues, but at what point does it become ALL ABOUT the man and his pride? Am I being set up for a huge disappointment?

[SugarKiss]

Wow... I thought you had your ship together cali...

 

How old are you? You are just now asking this question? I figured this out in high school.

 

You want to know the real answer, instead of the candy-coated crap everyone spews this board?!?

 

IT HAS NOTHING TO DO WITH ATTRACTION, HEIGHT, MONEY, YOUR CAR, YOUR PENIS, HER OTHER BOYFRIEND...

 

THE ANSWER IS SIMPLY...

 

women are fickle. You act nice (they want a bad boy), you act bad (they want a nice guy), you want a relationship (they want to test the waters), you want to date others (they want exclusivity).. this goes on and on...

 

Ever heard the adage... women want what they can't have? Well... Its truer than you will ever know.

 

And for you women that claim to know what you want... I call bullchip! Oh... maybe you started to realize what you want now that you are into your 30's, 40's... have a kid , got divorced... but you know that I speak the truth.

 

Flame away if it helps you sleep better at night...

 

I just don't get how people go through life making generalizations about everyone and everything, I really don't.

 

people know what they want, just because they don't want you it doesn't mean they don't know what they want.

 

 

Caliguy -

 

I have read your posts and you seem like a smart mature dude, so I am surprised you are asking these questions.

 

what you described is what dating is all about, you meet people who you are into and they don't reciprocate and then you meet those that are totally into you and you can't reciprocate. sometimes the gap is bigger between each relationship where you click happens, sometimes it is smaller, but that is what dating is the no reciprocation of interest level in one of the two parties. if we all had the same level of interest with the first person that crossed out paths, being single would not exist unless you did not meet people at all that would be the only way you would stay single. think about it.

 

I don't see anything out of the ordinary happening to you, nor do I see a reason to hyper analize it. keep dating til you meet the right fit.

[browneyes22]

Women love mysterious and intriguing guys who trigger off a rage of emotions which include the anxiety of "does he like me , does he not."

Women often equate love and attaction with that gut churning experience in the presence of a desireable man. THis is what starts to create the sexual tension that women crave and men do NOT understand.

When a guy "confesses his feelings" in the belief that he is being honest and straightforward, he inadvertently be brings the process to a dead stop.

 

NO more wondering about him and how he FEELS -No more agonising with her girlfriends about all the tiny details that she has observed and their meaning and relevance.

 

HE popped the balloon.

He is no longer a source of wondering and mystery,because he just volunteered the answer to a woman's biggestsquestion ," Does he LIKE me ?"

 

Game over before it ever really got started.

 

This is true but i'm more attracted to women whom are more straight forward when it counts. The fact is the behavior you've described above is a bit immature. I would definitely expect this from a teenager but an adult?? In fact I once dated a girl in high school for a very long time. She was as you described above and time it was cute cause I would often not pay attention to her and she would compensate by working hard to correct that. BUT when the stuff hit the fan during a ruff patch in the relationship she would not communicate her feeling towards me. The breakup was dragged out and could have been avoided if it was nipped in the bud quickly. Although we were teenagers and this is normal for that age I was never skittish about these things.

 

To Caliguy and others whom are upfront about their feelings...Don't change. Being upfront about your feelings and emotions in a relationship will weed out those that would otherwise go nowhere. But it can also enhance the positive aspects of a relationship because if you partner is like minding you won't have to play a guessing game on what makes them happy (in all aspects of the relationship).

 

Kick those girls whom create useless drama and mystery in there lives aside. That stuff makes for good TV drama but a frustrating (and non fullfilling) personal life.

[Noob41]

Interesting thread. Another view would suggest that telling someone you like them is just that – talk. Instead, walk the walk. Show her you like her. Not by flowers on her desk, mushy cd mixes or other Hallmark type of stuff. It’s more like paying attention – to her wants, to her life, to her needs ….. This can be something so simple as, "You mentioned a wine you liked at restaurant X. Can I steal you away for an hour to have lunch there?" How often have you been to dinner and the woman can’t decide between two different entrees? After she picks one, you order the other one so she can try it, too. You’re demonstrating that you’re paying attention to her wants.

 

Remember names! Family, friends, co-workers, etc. When she talks about them on later occasions, ("Yeah, you told me about her – the one who wears those goofy red shoes, right?") she’ll know you’ve been paying attention to her life.

 

Needs. How does she spend her free time? How much alone time does she need? Does she describe behaviors in past relationships that turned her off? (hint: don’t do those) Flattery is good too as long as it’s not over the top. Notice her taste in clothing, versus some physical attribute over which she has no control (don’t get me started on implants – yuck).

 

In other words, don’t talk about it. Just do it. I don’t think it’s so much about mystery, as it is about seeing better than hearing[sIZE=4].

 

[/sIZE][sIZE=2]This can sound like some sort of manipulation, but I find it just kinda happens when I like someone. It’s only natural that I pay attention to them. If you find you really don’t pay that much attention to them or notice these things, maybe you don’t like them that much after all?

[/sIZE]

[CaliGuy]

I just don't get how people go through life making generalizations about everyone and everything, I really don't.

 

people know what they want, just because they don't want you it doesn't mean they don't know what they want.

 

 

Caliguy -

 

I have read your posts and you seem like a smart mature dude, so I am surprised you are asking these questions.

 

The initial post I made was more or less a question in regards to if others are experiencing the same thing I am.

 

what you described is what dating is all about, you meet people who you are into and they don't reciprocate and then you meet those that are totally into you and you can't reciprocate. sometimes the gap is bigger between each relationship where you click happens, sometimes it is smaller, but that is what dating is the no reciprocation of interest level in one of the two parties. if we all had the same level of interest with the first person that crossed out paths, being single would not exist unless you did not meet people at all that would be the only way you would stay single. think about it.

 

I don't see anything out of the ordinary happening to you, nor do I see a reason to hyper analize it. keep dating til you meet the right fit.

 

Ok, that's what I am looking for. Because this is exactly what happens. Some I am more into than are into me and some are more into me than I am them. Finding that balance is the biggest challenge I have faced.

[CaliGuy]

This is true but i'm more attracted to women whom are more straight forward when it counts. The fact is the behavior you've described above is a bit immature. I would definitely expect this from a teenager but an adult?? In fact I once dated a girl in high school for a very long time. She was as you described above and time it was cute cause I would often not pay attention to her and she would compensate by working hard to correct that. BUT when the stuff hit the fan during a ruff patch in the relationship she would not communicate her feeling towards me. The breakup was dragged out and could have been avoided if it was nipped in the bud quickly. Although we were teenagers and this is normal for that age I was never skittish about these things.

 

To Caliguy and others whom are upfront about their feelings...Don't change. Being upfront about your feelings and emotions in a relationship will weed out those that would otherwise go nowhere. But it can also enhance the positive aspects of a relationship because if you partner is like minding you won't have to play a guessing game on what makes them happy (in all aspects of the relationship).

 

Kick those girls whom create useless drama and mystery in there lives aside. That stuff makes for good TV drama but a frustrating (and non fullfilling) personal life.

 

 

Excellent feedback. Thank you

[SugarKiss]

The initial post I made was more or less a question in regards to if others are experiencing the same thing I am.

 

of course they do, everyone does, some experience it more than others. that is what dating is. where you out of the dating game for decades? because this is what dating is all about, crossed oportunities.

 

it's like you are looking for some magic answer or for someone to spell out what you are doing right or wrong or vice versa and yet there is nothing to conclude here other than the pattern you are seeing is a direct product of what dating entails.

 

 

To Caliguy and others whom are upfront about their feelings...Don't change. Being upfront about your feelings and emotions in a relationship will weed out those that would otherwise go nowhere. But it can also enhance the positive aspects of a relationship because if you partner is like minding you won't have to play a guessing game on what makes them happy (in all aspects of the relationship).

 

while I can appreciate what you are saying and being upfront is what we all look for, sometimes a person does not know what they feel or where they stand in a relationship with someone and it takes time for them to come to terms with what direction they want to go. I see very little patience offered all around these days, and where does that lead us as a society, it leads us closer to a disposable culture. that's where.

 

I see a lot of advice around this board that goes a little something like this: "if he/she is unsure of what they feel or want, get rid of them."

 

but that is what dating is for to play out those emotions and to study people to see if the feeling is right.

 

there is very little patience for what people want, and we should remember that some people are not really 100% ready to embark in a full on commitment relationship and they need to pace themselves in order to feel really close or intimate. this doesn't make them lacking of direction this just makes them unclear in terms of what they feel with a specific person and it's ok to be unclear emotionally at the begining different people have different timelines for developing feelings.

 

and I don't know about how only people who communicate freely are best communicators in a relationship, I have met very expressive and open men who wore their heart's on their sleeves in terms of communication in the early stages and I still had to guess what they wanted in terms of the overall relationship. it is so hit and miss and is really hard to predict how a person will actually be in a long term relationship.

 

I tend to look for emotional stability over open communication, a person may not communicate very openly their feelings but they may be very clear in the signals they send and that denotes a healthy emotional stability. some people can talk through their elbows and you still have no clue what they want or where they are headed. I also look for working and other relationships a man has and how he handles his projects this is a sure sign of how he will handle his relationship long term.

 

if he leaves things half way or if he runs from confrontation with work relationships, tends to brush things under the carpet when there are problems to solve in work related issues or with friends he will also be like that in a relationship with me, and yet he could be the most communicative person and express his feelings openly in the good times but how he acts in the bad times is a bigger indicator of how he will be overall. these signs don't fail.

 

the reason I bring this up is because I tend to be pegged as hard to read when guys first date me, they never really know where they stand with me at first and it is not because I play games of mystery it is just the way I am and it takes me a while to really open up, I can be very demostrative but I don't express feelings in words and I don't chase or make moves it's always the guy so guys don't know how to handle that but once they get to know me they know I am a person that wears their heart on their sleeve. early stages of dating are not truly indicative of how a person will be long term, that is basically my point.

[CaliGuy]

Interesting perspective, Sugarkiss. I hadn't thought of things that way.

 

I guess you'll know how they feel when one gets the point of wanting to move forward and the other doesn't. That's why I say pay attention to the red flags.

 

Food for thought, that's for sure.

[audrey_1]

while I can appreciate what you are saying and being upfront is what we all look for, sometimes a person does not know what they feel or where they stand in a relationship with someone and it takes time for them to come to terms with what direction they want to go. I see very little patience offered all around these days, and where does that lead us as a society, it leads us closer to a disposable culture. that's where.

 

I see a lot of advice around this board that goes a little something like this: "if he/she is unsure of what they feel or want, get rid of them."

 

there is very little patience for what people want, and we should remember that some people are not really 100% ready to embark in a full on commitment relationship and they need to pace themselves in order to feel really close or intimate. this doesn't make them lacking of direction this just makes them unclear in terms of what they feel with a specific person and it's ok to be unclear emotionally at the begining different people have different timelines for developing feelings.

 

and I don't know about how only people who communicate freely are best communicators in a relationship, I have met very expressive and open men who wore their heart's on their sleeves in terms of communication in the early stages and I still had to guess what they wanted in terms of the overall relationship. it is so hit and miss and is really hard to predict how a person will actually be in a long term relationship.

 

I tend to look for emotional stability over open communication, a person may not communicate very openly their feelings but they may be very clear in the signals they send and that denotes a healthy emotional stability. some people can talk through their elbows and you still have no clue what they want or where they are headed. I also look for working and other relationships a man has and how he handles his projects this is a sure sign of how he will handle his relationship long term.

 

 

A good explanation.

 

This is why I've been holding on to my LDR that's been slowly evolving over the past year. I don't want to let go so easily when exercising patience may mean I get the relationship I've always wanted. It's hard being in limbo because, like CaliGuy, I'm a straight shooter who doesn't like games. Why bother? But I suppose him trying to get his life in order where I can then become a bigger focus isn't a game, is it? And I may be moving closer within the next six months, so that will definitely bring improvement to the situation, or result in a final decision to sever ties.

[juliet4ever]

Hi! I am Juliet!

how are you! hope you are fine and in perfect condition of health.I went through your profile and i read it and took intersest in it,if you don't mind i will like you to write me on this ID ( juliet.samuel20/at/yah/oo/dot/com ) hope to hear from you soon, I will be waiting for your mail because i have something VERY important to tell you. Lots of love Juliet

[browneyes22]

sugarkiss...emotional stability is key as well. Not having this leads to the needless drama i speak of.

 

As for the patience thing...I guess my perspective comes from this: I never have to question my family and close friends when I need them. If you have several years invested into a relationship then yes being patient can be good at times.

 

Bottom line when I'm dating someone: Girls that are confused about what they want to do relationship wise are less attractive to me than those whom have a clear idea on what they want. 'Cause I know what I want and if they don't match up with me I move on. Furthermore I don't consider girls that are confused long term relationship material. I tend to see a lot of this confusion masked by teasing and game playing. This becomes annoying if this is all they want to do. I take girls seriously when they what they want out of life and relationships...other than that it's just superficial games.

[orangesean]

This can sound like some sort of manipulation, but I find it just kinda happens when I like someone. It’s only natural that I pay attention to them. If you find you really don’t pay that much attention to them or notice these things, maybe you don’t like them that much after all?

 

I don't think it's manipulation. Because if you like someone you earnestly care about their life or making them happy. Like the early stages are sort of rough because you don't know a lot of stuff but you have to learn what you've missed in their life previous as well as show you are interested and actually do care.

 

I would be worried though if the person you are giving your attention to also isn't doing the same to you as well. Isn't that how people fall in love anyways?

[imbewildered]

He refers to me as his friend, says let's keep it casual, but mentions a future with me in it. And he shows me glimpses of truly caring deeply for me. It's utterly confusing. Because of me, he does focus more on his health; because of me, he does seem to understand what it means to be engaging and care about the world and its bigger issues, but at what point does it become ALL ABOUT the man and his pride? Am I being set up for a huge disappointment?

 

This guy does not see you and his relationship with you with any primacy - sorry. His actions say so. You have made the mistake of "helping" him. WHy was that a mistake when the rewards of your assistance have benefited him ? BEcause you have demonstrated to him that you are more COMPETENT than he is in matters which are usually the man's domain.

 

OH, I know that I am going to get all the usual sneering prattle from the other girls about "his fragile ego" but this guy has you in the FriendZone,

THe WORST thing that a woman can do for a man is HELP him in things that he SHOULD be good at as a man.

It is NEVER a good idea to think that you can "improve" a guy.

The man will accept your assistance because of the difficulty that he is in, and THEN he will FZ you and look around for some blond hottie who barely graduated high school.

 

I know how unfair all this sounds but it is that way it is.

 

Never become his priest, counselor,banker, chauffeur,financial advisor, mother confessor, nurse maid or SOCIAL director.

 

He has a Mom and a Dad for most of this - all he wants from you is for you to be fun and hot.

[imbewildered]

This has never been an issue. I've always had plenty of friends and interests. On top of that, I take very, very good care of myself. I'm in better shape now than I was when I was 18 -- so I look good too

 

That word mystery is interesting. I've never been "mysterious". I sort of equate that word to "someone who's hiding something, and it's probably not good."

 

Maybe I just need to learn to be more mysterious? lol.

 

You need to develop the mindset that attracts women and holds them until YOU decide which ones are keepers. THEY are doing this to you right now.

Openly declaring your feelings or interest in words BEFORE she has developed high interest level in you is an attraction killer. A man needs to reveal his interest SLOWLY , piece by tiny piece.

 

You are sending her the message that you are ready and willing to be in a relationship with her BEFORE you have done this dating "dance" , and you call this "being open and forthright" or some such.

I do understand why you THINK that this "openness" is a great thing, however the fact remains that it does not work - never did and never will.

 

ASk yourself whether this works for you.

[carrotgirl]

You are sending her the message that you are ready and willing to be in a relationship with her BEFORE you have done this dating "dance" , and you call this "being open and forthright" or some such.

I do understand why you THINK that this "openness" is a great thing, however the fact remains that it does not work - never did and never will.

 

ASk yourself whether this works for you.

It worked for the GD with me way way back when. There was no dating dance. There was no pussyfooting. He put himself on the line 100%. All I had to do was take a chance on him back.

 

Carrot

[imbewildered]

It worked for the GD with me way way back when. There was no dating dance. There was no pussyfooting. He put himself on the line 100%. All I had to do was take a chance on him back.

 

Carrot

 

Congratulations on meeting someone who was as courageous and mature as your good self. Be grateful. It rarely works out in the way that it did for you.

[audrey_1]

This guy does not see you and his relationship with you with any primacy - sorry. His actions say so. You have made the mistake of "helping" him. WHy was that a mistake when the rewards of your assistance have benefited him ? BEcause you have demonstrated to him that you are more COMPETENT than he is in matters which are usually the man's domain.

 

OH, I know that I am going to get all the usual sneering prattle from the other girls about "his fragile ego" but this guy has you in the FriendZone,

THe WORST thing that a woman can do for a man is HELP him in things that he SHOULD be good at as a man.

It is NEVER a good idea to think that you can "improve" a guy.

The man will accept your assistance because of the difficulty that he is in, and THEN he will FZ you and look around for some blond hottie who barely graduated high school.

 

I know how unfair all this sounds but it is that way it is.

 

Never become his priest, counselor,banker, chauffeur,financial advisor, mother confessor, nurse maid or SOCIAL director.

 

He has a Mom and a Dad for most of this - all he wants from you is for you to be fun and hot.

 

Wow. Harsh.

 

Probably correct that I'm more competent than he is. But I won't apologize for being smart and capable.

[imbewildered]

Wow. Harsh.

 

Probably correct that I'm more competent than he is. But I won't apologize for being smart and capable.

 

I applaud you for being competent. However you have taken over the "management" of his personal issues in believing that you can do it better that he can.

 

THese were HIS problems , THere is a huge difference between "support" in which you stand beside him while he works on his own difficulties and "taking over" in which you "manage and direct " his affairs for him while he watches from the sidelines.

 

Which of these two appoaches more closely resembles YOUR methods ?

 

In any case he has you in the FriendZone - not a great place to be for a

"smart and capable " woman like you..

[carrotgirl]

Congratulations on meeting someone who was as courageous and mature as your good self. Be grateful. It rarely works out in the way that it did for you.

Yah. That chapter worked out but flip ahead a lifetime or two to last year when he took a did a "changed my mind" and then we go one chapter in, one chapter out for a few chapters until we get to the present which is yet to be written.

 

But specifically regarding that first chapter where GD spilled all? He rocked. So CaliGuy, there are chicks who really dig that kind of thing.

 

Carrot

[GPFan]

I'm trying to figure out what is expressed in my words or actions that causes this.

Your words aren't creating this. I believe you are attracted to/attracting women who aren't as mature as you are. A mature women (emotional age not physical age) would welcome your level-headed approach.

 

You should be asking yourself why you find these women attractive. For example, do these women allow you to replay/resolve issues from your childhood?

[CaliGuy]

So CaliGuy, there are chicks who really dig that kind of thing.

 

Where can I find them? LOL

 

 

You should be asking yourself why you find these women attractive. For example, do these women allow you to replay/resolve issues from your childhood?

 

I dunno, they express interest and I have interest. But it goes South from there. This last one was so hot and cold it was ridiculous. One second wanting to rush off and marry me, the next she doesn't want to hang out.

 

Same as the last ex. I can't figure out what it is but I think you're right about the maturity issue...

[t_veron]

Does anyone else out here experience this?

 

1. I like someone, I express that I like them, they show little to no interest in return.

2. I don't like someone, I show zero interest in them, they won't leave me alone.

 

Thoughts?

 

Hey CaliGuy, this sounds all too familiar. I think you can place most people you run into in these two categories whether they're friends, family, or relationships. When we're young we just want to party and have fun. When we get older we expect more from the people we have in our lives.

 

I'm in the same boat as you and getting tired of playing "the game". Guess we all want a challenge so we go for the one who's not interested. I'm being concious of that and so when someone pursues me I go with it instead of run the other way. Work through the feelings of "man this is boring" and you never know. Might not work out but you can gain a friend, learn something new, or realize being predictable/boring has it's advantages too.... especially how a little reliability can be nice in your life.

[Trialbyfire]

You need to develop the mindset that attracts women and holds them until YOU decide which ones are keepers. THEY are doing this to you right now.

Openly declaring your feelings or interest in words BEFORE she has developed high interest level in you is an attraction killer. A man needs to reveal his interest SLOWLY , piece by tiny piece.

 

You are sending her the message that you are ready and willing to be in a relationship with her BEFORE you have done this dating "dance" , and you call this "being open and forthright" or some such.

I do understand why you THINK that this "openness" is a great thing, however the fact remains that it does not work - never did and never will.

 

ASk yourself whether this works for you.

Who you will attract is either another gamer who will also be keeping her feelings under wrap until she decides if you're a keeper or more likely not, since it's only a game, or a girl who has low self-esteem, who gets addicted to the game.

 

Bottom line, this isn't how to generate mature interest/love and for that matter, quality women. It might get you laid though and if that's all you're looking for, keep using this technique.