CaliGuy Posted June 17, 2008 Posted June 17, 2008 Does anyone else out here experience this? 1. I like someone, I express that I like them, they show little to no interest in return. 2. I don't like someone, I show zero interest in them, they won't leave me alone. I'm trying to figure out what is expressed in my words or actions that causes this. The most logical explanation I have is simply that when I meet someone I really like, I have no reservations about telling them. I don't really leave much for them to figure out on their own. Don't get me wrong, this isn't desperation by any means. It's more or less "not beating around the bush" because I hate that myself. If someone likes me and they beat around the bush or are wishy-washy, it's a major turn off to me. I think I relate it to insecurity. When I meet someone I am not interested in, in much the same way I don't make any moves that could possibly be translated into interest. What normally follows is the kind of stalking that money can't buy. I'm just kind of curious if this is a phenomenon that is attributable to only myself or do many other people who are actively dating experience this as well. Thoughts?
SS49 Posted June 17, 2008 Posted June 17, 2008 I think pretty much everyone that has dated has experienced the first one. It's great that you're so up front about liking someone. I'm also not a fan of the whole "beating around the bush" deal. Wish that any guys that were/are into me would have just said so. Anyway, as for the first situation I think that the ladies you're approaching either are taken aback by your up front attitude, which sucks. Or they are trying to play some kind of game... never understood the whole game playing deal.... or they're simply just not interested. I've personally never experienced #2.... that I'm aware of. Maybe you're not being clear enough to the Ladies that are stalking you. They may think that you're playing a game or something... Or you're just a magnet for crazy chicks. I've always appreciated a clear "Sorry, I'm just not into you." as opposed to any 'letting me down easy' BS, "It's not you, it's me", or any of those other crappy lines!
Author CaliGuy Posted June 17, 2008 Author Posted June 17, 2008 Yeah I don't think I come off too strong at all unless being blunt and upfront is too much for these California women to deal with. I'm just either a) Not a game player or b) Not very good at it. Either way, I just don't see a reason to be wishy-washy. As for #2, I think declining advances and generally seeming disinterested (ie: Not taking their number, not replying to email, etc) should be good enough but if I have to say "I'm just not interested" then perhaps I will start doing that more often. I guess I am trying to be kind and in the process, not making myself clear.
SS49 Posted June 18, 2008 Posted June 18, 2008 Yeah I don't think I come off too strong at all unless being blunt and upfront is too much for these California women to deal with. I'm just either a) Not a game player or b) Not very good at it. Either way, I just don't see a reason to be wishy-washy. Yeah, who knows Women are weird and complex. Hell half the time I hardly understand myself For what it's worth I find wishy-washy guys completely undesirable. As for #2, I think declining advances and generally seeming disinterested (ie: Not taking their number, not replying to email, etc) should be good enough but if I have to say "I'm just not interested" then perhaps I will start doing that more often. I guess I am trying to be kind and in the process, not making myself clear. Some people don't take hints very well and end up making crazy excuses for what seems to most as a pretty clear signal. Just look at all the people in abusive relationships or the ones that stay with people who are total jerks. The more you like someone the fuzzier hints become. Sometimes a clear rejection is far more kind than hints. Saves both parties some trouble. Hope that's somewhat helpful.
norajane Posted June 18, 2008 Posted June 18, 2008 Agree with #2 - be very clear that you're not interested. Anything else can be read as "mixed signals" or wishful thinking...well, he hasn't said he's not interested, so maybe if I keep contacting him and he gets to know me better... As for #1, I don't think it's your straight forward approach that is the problem, or at least, it wouldn't be for any decent, intelligent woman with common sense IF she's interested in you. I think it might be the women you are actually approaching if they all respond in the same way. Have you given thought to what else those women have in common besides not being interested? Maybe they're seeking something you aren't: financially, status-wise, age, or not interested in a relationship vs. dating lots of people. Either that, or they suffer from the "want what I can't have, and don't want what I can have" syndrome...which maybe could be your syndrome as well?
Lucky555 Posted June 18, 2008 Posted June 18, 2008 It seems the same thing has happened to me. If i display no interest in the guy he chases me! Then when i do like him he loses interest. However, if the guy "courts" me and shows interest and seems to want to know about me i regard it as him liking me. But if he comes right out and says I like you a lot and i think your beautiful, that scares me lol In the beginning anything with regards about liking me makes me not as interested. Its because I don't think he knows me well enough to like me. I think after three weeks he can say I really like you. After a month then i would mind him complimenting me more. I guess i am weary of men in general and i think most women try to figure out the guy first. You don't want to come off too strong, mainly SHOW and ask questions about what she likes to indicate that you like her but dont say it just yet. Hope that helps.
sfsassy Posted June 18, 2008 Posted June 18, 2008 Yeah I don't think I come off too strong at all unless being blunt and upfront is too much for these California women to deal with. I'm just either a) Not a game player or b) Not very good at it. Either way, I just don't see a reason to be wishy-washy. As for #2, I think declining advances and generally seeming disinterested (ie: Not taking their number, not replying to email, etc) should be good enough but if I have to say "I'm just not interested" then perhaps I will start doing that more often. I guess I am trying to be kind and in the process, not making myself clear. I'm in CA and love blunt and upfront men.
sunshinegirl Posted June 18, 2008 Posted June 18, 2008 Either that, or they suffer from the "want what I can't have, and don't want what I can have" syndrome...which maybe could be your syndrome as well? This was my first thought: seems like two sides of the same coin.
Author CaliGuy Posted June 18, 2008 Author Posted June 18, 2008 Agree with #2 - be very clear that you're not interested. Anything else can be read as "mixed signals" or wishful thinking...well, he hasn't said he's not interested, so maybe if I keep contacting him and he gets to know me better... As for #1, I don't think it's your straight forward approach that is the problem, or at least, it wouldn't be for any decent, intelligent woman with common sense IF she's interested in you. I think it might be the women you are actually approaching if they all respond in the same way. Have you given thought to what else those women have in common besides not being interested? Maybe they're seeking something you aren't: financially, status-wise, age, or not interested in a relationship vs. dating lots of people. Either that, or they suffer from the "want what I can't have, and don't want what I can have" syndrome...which maybe could be your syndrome as well? I think it's the latter. The last couple women I dated have all been insecure and as soon as I realize it I book it out of there. I can't seem to find the intelligent, attractive (to me) and confident woman I am seeking for the most part. When I do, my straight-forward approach shouldn't push them away. At least that's my way of thinking. Am I off base here? I mean if they aren't interested, I am OK with that. The problem has been either wishy-washy-ness or flat out insecurity with them (I'm confident in who I am and where I am at this point in my life).
D-Lish Posted June 18, 2008 Posted June 18, 2008 One thing I refuse to do is chase after a guy. It may make me feel crazy inside if someone doesn't return my affection, but I'll never let a guy know that. I couldn't imagine pestering someone that showed disinterest in me. I do find that when I act disinterested that many guys will simply come on stronger. I think it's an ego thing for many of us. No one likes the notion of rejection... some people just handle it differently than others. I've gotten to that point in my life that I lose interest quickly when a man doesn't treat me with 100% respect. If he makes plans with me and breaks them once... I'll let it go- if he does it again, I'll simply move on. I find that as soon as I move on- I go from having a guy that showed a bit of interest, to having a stalker. I don't mind when a guy is up front and tells me he likes me... it's often a relief to meet someone that doesn't want to play a game. I will wonder if a guy that is upfront like this is a playah or not.... mostly because most men aren't that great at being upfront, and the ones that are (in my experience) are skilled in the art of telling a woman what she wants to hear.
carrotgirl Posted June 18, 2008 Posted June 18, 2008 CaliGuy, I'm only ever interested in men who are interested in me and let me know it! To me though, that's different than men who chase. With the once and current GD being the notable exception, being chased by a man is a big turn off. It actually makes me rather hostile. Is it possible it's not what you say, but when you say it? You said when you meet someone you're not afraid to tell her you like her. On a first meeting I might take that as being less than genuine, or purely a horizontal desire, only because how much can you like someone after just one brief encounter? Carrot
Author CaliGuy Posted June 18, 2008 Author Posted June 18, 2008 CaliGuy, I'm only ever interested in men who are interested in me and let me know it! To me though, that's different than men who chase. With the once and current GD being the notable exception, being chased by a man is a big turn off. It actually makes me rather hostile. Is it possible it's not what you say, but when you say it? You said when you meet someone you're not afraid to tell her you like her. On a first meeting I might take that as being less than genuine, or purely a horizontal desire, only because how much can you like someone after just one brief encounter? Carrot It's not the first or second date, lol. It takes time. I get to know them, get to liking them, etc. It takes months before I really start to let myself get comfortable and tell them how I'm starting to feel. Love takes some time but yeah, this last girl I was dating on and off for a year. We dug each other but her insecurities were a problem and perhaps our ages. Meh.
carrotgirl Posted June 18, 2008 Posted June 18, 2008 It's not the first or second date, lol. It takes time. I get to know them, get to liking them, etc. It takes months before I really start to let myself get comfortable and tell them how I'm starting to feel. Love takes some time but yeah, this last girl I was dating on and off for a year. We dug each other but her insecurities were a problem and perhaps our ages. Meh. CaliGuy, I guess I could say the same. When GD told me how he felt about me I was scared shhitless. He'd been having one relationship in his head while I hadn't been having one at all! For him, all of these feelings had been building and on my side, I'd never looked at him with more than, What a great guy. Too bad he's not out to his friends. Yah. Talk about revelations. We'd been friendly all this time and he wasn't gay? He was crushing on a girl all the while and not at all gay? And the girl was me? When his feelings got out of control, he about knocked me over with the force of them. It was thrilling and very scary. I didn't feel at all insecure about myself but I was rather much behind in the let's fall in love process than GD was for a long while. He thought I was ambivalent. I wasn't. I was overwhelmed with so much feeling and so much information coming at me so fast. I needed time to figure it out. Carrot
LoveLace Posted June 18, 2008 Posted June 18, 2008 You are so not alone Cali Guy...it's only been one way or the other with me and no in between
browneyes22 Posted June 18, 2008 Posted June 18, 2008 You are so not alone Cali Guy...it's only been one way or the other with me and no in between Ditto...CaliGuy you should read the thread I started last week. It's very similar to this man. I've had this issue for years.
I am who I am Posted June 18, 2008 Posted June 18, 2008 Does anyone else out here experience this? 1. I like someone, I express that I like them, they show little to no interest in return. 2. I don't like someone, I show zero interest in them, they won't leave me alone. Wow... I thought you had your ship together cali... How old are you? You are just now asking this question? I figured this out in high school. You want to know the real answer, instead of the candy-coated crap everyone spews this board?!? IT HAS NOTHING TO DO WITH ATTRACTION, HEIGHT, MONEY, YOUR CAR, YOUR PENIS, HER OTHER BOYFRIEND... THE ANSWER IS SIMPLY... women are fickle. You act nice (they want a bad boy), you act bad (they want a nice guy), you want a relationship (they want to test the waters), you want to date others (they want exclusivity).. this goes on and on... Ever heard the adage... women want what they can't have? Well... Its truer than you will ever know. And for you women that claim to know what you want... I call bullchip! Oh... maybe you started to realize what you want now that you are into your 30's, 40's... have a kid , got divorced... but you know that I speak the truth. Flame away if it helps you sleep better at night...
imbewildered Posted June 18, 2008 Posted June 18, 2008 When I do, my straight-forward approach shouldn't push them away. At least that's my way of thinking. Am I off base here? Women love mysterious and intriguing guys who trigger off a rage of emotions which include the anxiety of "does he like me , does he not." Women often equate love and attaction with that gut churning experience in the presence of a desireable man. THis is what starts to create the sexual tension that women crave and men do NOT understand. When a guy "confesses his feelings" in the belief that he is being honest and straightforward, he inadvertently be brings the process to a dead stop. NO more wondering about him and how he FEELS -No more agonising with her girlfriends about all the tiny details that she has observed and their meaning and relevance. HE popped the balloon. He is no longer a source of wondering and mystery,because he just volunteered the answer to a woman's biggestsquestion ," Does he LIKE me ?" Game over before it ever really got started.
Author CaliGuy Posted June 18, 2008 Author Posted June 18, 2008 Women love mysterious and intriguing guys who trigger off a rage of emotions which include the anxiety of "does he like me , does he not." Women often equate love and attaction with that gut churning experience in the presence of a desireable man. THis is what starts to create the sexual tension that women crave and men do NOT understand. When a guy "confesses his feelings" in the belief that he is being honest and straightforward, he inadvertently be brings the process to a dead stop. NO more wondering about him and how he FEELS -No more agonising with her girlfriends about all the tiny details that she has observed and their meaning and relevance. HE popped the balloon. He is no longer a source of wondering and mystery,because he just volunteered the answer to a woman's biggestsquestion ," Does he LIKE me ?" Game over before it ever really got started. Maybe I'm just not good at that game. I'm black or white, no in-between. Always been that way. Probably always will. So another question. Does it always stay this way in a relationhip? At what point do both sides agree? I mean, if she's always guessing "does he like me?" then how do people get married? I wouldn't marry someone if I wasn't completely sure the feelings were mutual. I guess the "game" part of relationships is where I am weakest. I've never learned how to play the "does he like me, does he not like me?" game. The other nuiances of relationships I understand just fine. The push and pull part, the confidence, etc. This part, the "wondering" part, I've never gotten down pat.
Author CaliGuy Posted June 18, 2008 Author Posted June 18, 2008 Wow... I thought you had your ship together cali... How old are you? You are just now asking this question? I figured this out in high school. You want to know the real answer, instead of the candy-coated crap everyone spews this board?!? IT HAS NOTHING TO DO WITH ATTRACTION, HEIGHT, MONEY, YOUR CAR, YOUR PENIS, HER OTHER BOYFRIEND... THE ANSWER IS SIMPLY... women are fickle. You act nice (they want a bad boy), you act bad (they want a nice guy), you want a relationship (they want to test the waters), you want to date others (they want exclusivity).. this goes on and on... Ever heard the adage... women want what they can't have? Well... Its truer than you will ever know. And for you women that claim to know what you want... I call bullchip! Oh... maybe you started to realize what you want now that you are into your 30's, 40's... have a kid , got divorced... but you know that I speak the truth. Flame away if it helps you sleep better at night... No flames here. I don't understand this part of relationships. As I said before, I've always been black or white.
eric82 Posted June 18, 2008 Posted June 18, 2008 caliguy, how soon are you telling them you like them and what exactly are you saying?
Cherry Blossom 35 Posted June 18, 2008 Posted June 18, 2008 First of all, I'm with you Caliguy. I've never been able to play the game very well. If I'm really attracted to someone I find it very difficult to pretend I'm not. I mean, how do I give off an air of mystery when inside I'm going gaga? I'm just a very enthusiastic person in general so I have a hard time hiding that emotion. My feeling is that the games people play work to create interest in someone you might not have been interested in otherwise. Case in point. A local lad I know who looks about 12 and doesn't have a whole lot to say has driven me and my friends crazy for about a year with his push/pull, flirt/hold back routine. May have to start a thread about that one. It creates interest, mystery, desire, etc. However, when I actually have been able to speak with this guy at length, I find that I'm struggling for conversation, which is not usually difficult for me. So although he has sparked the pheremones, I would lose interest pretty fast if I actually had a relationship with this guy. However....if I'm really interested in a guy, looks, personality, it factor, the whole package, then I want things to be straight forward. True chemistry or resonance with another will keep you interested. So I say no games for you, especially if it makes you uncomfortable. The right girl who is actually really interested will respond. And by the way guys, if you live your life with passion, develop interests, travel, etc, then your life itself will be intriguing and you won't have to whip up some frothy fake mystery.
imbewildered Posted June 18, 2008 Posted June 18, 2008 I'm trying to figure out what is expressed in my words or actions that causes this. The most logical explanation I have is simply that when I meet someone I really like, I have no reservations about telling them. I don't really leave much for them to figure out on their own. If you TELL a woman " how you feel" about her , there must be two preconditions for your "confession" if it is to enhance the relationship. 1.She MUST have demonstrated high levels of interest in you over a significant period of time,. You should be certain that she is committed to your relationship, she is 100% trustworthy and that YOU are her priority. 2. YOu must have created a huge level of value to her. By this i mean that you have your own successful career , solid hobbies and recreation, perhaps good friends, and a high social value. Good health is also essential She needs to see that you are a man in demand. Only then is it wise to tell her about your feelings. Until you have "the talk " you should be showing her by your actions ONLY that your are strongly attracted to her. Now - here is the biggest mistake that some men make. They believe that if they say "I love you " to a woman, then this declaration will act as an emotional ENTICEMENT. These guys think that this statement will enhance their relationship and she will be overcome with feelings for him because he is an" honest sweet loving man ". Kind of like the effect of sending her a huge bunch of red roses. Caliguy ,consult with yourself and ask this question." Do I speak about my feelings because I believe it is very likely to bring her closer and she will be more INTO me ?"
Cherry Blossom 35 Posted June 18, 2008 Posted June 18, 2008 I get the impression that Caliguy has a lot going for him. I think this is not about expressing emotions, per se, but about expressing interest without the games. Like, hey, I like you, you're cool, let's hang out. After the date, if he still likes them, he doesn't hesitate to tell them he wants to see them again. Am I right?
Author CaliGuy Posted June 18, 2008 Author Posted June 18, 2008 caliguy, how soon are you telling them you like them and what exactly are you saying? I dunno, a couple months of dating I suppose. It's not like I rush right out and say "let's date." But I think after a couple of months I'm in the mode of "we're either dating or we're not" simply because I don't like there to be a wall of gray anywhere. I've always been the kind of guy that knows what he wants and is straight-forward about it. I have been learning lately to let things progress naturally and not even hinting at dating (such as the last woman I was dating).
Author CaliGuy Posted June 18, 2008 Author Posted June 18, 2008 And by the way guys, if you live your life with passion, develop interests, travel, etc, then your life itself will be intriguing and you won't have to whip up some frothy fake mystery. This has never been an issue. I've always had plenty of friends and interests. On top of that, I take very, very good care of myself. I'm in better shape now than I was when I was 18 -- so I look good too That word mystery is interesting. I've never been "mysterious". I sort of equate that word to "someone who's hiding something, and it's probably not good." Maybe I just need to learn to be more mysterious? lol.
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