Living in Daily Turmoil

[Zoomarch]

I don't know if any of you remember me. But I posted the following thread about a year ago. Please read this thread and then read my update at the bottom:

 

Living in daily turmoil

I need some sound advice on how to suppress feelings before I literally go insane. I have never suffered from depression, have never been on medication & have never seen a Psychiatrist – but find myself experiencing & considering all of the above. I guess I’m a prideful person & am looking for private advice here.

 

To recap my situation, I am a MW, of over 17 years to the most wonderful H & father of my children. He is & has always been there emotionally & physically for me. I’ve always been his #1 priority. He’s never let me down.

 

I made the biggest mistake of my life & it has rocked my world to the point where I can barely function. On a routine business trip, I allowed a 5+ year friendship w/ a co-worker to turn into an affair. This OM also has children. He & I grew very close as friends – talking daily on the phone for hours – we both knew there was something deeper there but had never discussed it. After the first night that we were intimate, it only made our feelings grow stronger. We connect on an emotional, professional & physical level that I’ve never experienced before.

After months of going back & forth with this guy on our feelings, we both agreed that we could not destroy two families. That we had made choices very early on in life & that we needed to honor those commitments. We are both religious which also played a huge part in that decision. Combined with the fact that we still both love our spouses. I will admit, I do not love my H in the same way I do this OM, however, I cannot imagine my life w/o my H. I will also admit that I don’t think this OM could/would treat me as well as my H does emotionally.

 

A few mths ago, I finally told my H, but to this day, I have not told him who it is despite his persistence in knowing. I took him to a remote location over night, away from our children, so he could react as he saw fit. I was prepared for anything he wanted to throw at me…. Leaving me, humiliating me, whatever. I felt he had the right to take back the power I had taken from him when I cheated on him. Amazingly, after two nights & two days of both of us crying, he told me he loved me with every fiber of his being & he forgave me & said he knew something had been wrong with me; he assured me that he wanted to get past this.

 

Here is my problem: I know all the experts say that you must cut off all contact, however, this OM & myself are in high level positions; both making very high incomes. I also love my job & have been in the same company for years. I am so ashamed to say this next part but this is where I need the help: I think about the OM constantly. All day long. All night long. It’s like I’m trapped & don’t know how to suppress these feeling I have for him. I almost ache to be with him; when I think about him & when I’m missing him so bad (which is daily), I start crying uncontrollably – this from a woman who never used to cry…

 

It has ruined my life because I want to be with him all the time. I am no longer happy at all. Everything I do, I want to do with him. I crave his touch, his kiss & just to hear his voice. I feel like I “need” him like I need to breathe. Again, all this said, I can’t imagine hurting my H again by telling him that I am actually in love with this OM. My H is such a good man. Why can’t I love him; have passion for him the way I do this OM? I would give anything to feel about my H the way I do about the OM. For those of you wondering, the OM isn’t even as attractive, or as in shape as my H.

 

As far as the OM’s feelings? He closed down our private email account & says he cannot tell me how he feels anymore. He says it only makes everything resurface. He has told me he cannot see me face to face because he says there is no way he can resist me. He has looked me in the eye so many times & told me he loved me. He has told me he never even thought a love like ours existed. So I am the one suffering professionally from this because I’m the one who will no longer show up for professional meetings. This could ruin my career – but there’s no way that he will not show to a meeting. I have to make that sacrifice which I think is unfair, but I know if we are in the same place, at the same time, we will definitely end up in bed.

 

This should be simple, right? Just accept that it’s over & move on? How can I suppress these feelings? Any sound advice would be appreciated. Please don’t beat me up as I’ve done that to myself for over a year.

 

___________________________

 

I DON'T KNOW IF THIS WILL HELP ANYONE BUT I HAVE FINALLY GOTTEN CLOSURE AND I WANTED TO SHARE THIS WITH ALL OF YOU!

 

If you go back through the threads of the above post, you will see many who tried to help me. What I didn't know, is that I was dealing with a Sociopath. I still work with this man. Here are the characteristics of a Sociopath:

Profile of the Sociopath

 

 

This website summarizes some of the common features of descriptions of the behavior of sociopaths.

• Glibness and Superficial Charm
  
• Manipulative and Conning
  They never recognize the rights of others and see their self-serving behaviors as permissible. They appear to be charming, yet are covertly hostile and domineering, seeing their victim as merely an instrument to be used. They may dominate and humiliate their victims.
  
• Grandiose Sense of Self
  Feels entitled to certain things as "their right."
  
• Pathological Lying
  Has no problem lying coolly and easily and it is almost impossible for them to be truthful on a consistent basis. Can create, and get caught up in, a complex belief about their own powers and abilities. Extremely convincing and even able to pass lie detector tests.
  
• Lack of Remorse, Shame or Guilt
  A deep seated rage, which is split off and repressed, is at their core. Does not see others around them as people, but only as targets and opportunities. Instead of friends, they have victims and accomplices who end up as victims. The end always justifies the means and they let nothing stand in their way.
  
• Shallow Emotions
  When they show what seems to be warmth, joy, love and compassion it is more feigned than experienced and serves an ulterior motive. Outraged by insignificant matters, yet remaining unmoved and cold by what would upset a normal person. Since they are not genuine, neither are their promises.
  
• Incapacity for Love
  
• Need for Stimulation
  Living on the edge. Verbal outbursts and physical punishments are normal. Promiscuity and gambling are common.
  
• Callousness/Lack of Empathy
  Unable to empathize with the pain of their victims, having only contempt for others' feelings of distress and readily taking advantage of them.
  
• Poor Behavioral Controls/Impulsive Nature
  Rage and abuse, alternating with small expressions of love and approval produce an addictive cycle for abuser and abused, as well as creating hopelessness in the victim. Believe they are all-powerful, all-knowing, entitled to every wish, no sense of personal boundaries, no concern for their impact on others.
  
• Early Behavior Problems/Juvenile Delinquency
  Usually has a history of behavioral and academic difficulties, yet "gets by" by conning others. Problems in making and keeping friends; aberrant behaviors such as cruelty to people or animals, stealing, etc.
  
• Irresponsibility/Unreliability
  Not concerned about wrecking others' lives and dreams. Oblivious or indifferent to the devastation they cause. Does not accept blame themselves, but blames others, even for acts they obviously committed.
  
• Promiscuous Sexual Behavior/Infidelity
  Promiscuity, child sexual abuse, rape and sexual acting out of all sorts.
  
• Lack of Realistic Life Plan/Parasitic Lifestyle
  Tends to move around a lot or makes all encompassing promises for the future, poor work ethic but exploits others effectively.
  
• Criminal or Entrepreneurial Versatility
  Changes their image as needed to avoid prosecution. Changes life story readily.
  

[pelicanpreacher]

WOW! How did you arrive at this revelation?!! His mindset seems dangerous enough to be criminal. Are you and your husband reconnecting again with the feelings you once harbored for the OM?

[Zoomarch]

I am a litle confused. Who's the sociopath, you or your cheating partner?

 

By the way, it must be a torture to tell your husband that you slept with someone but not the idendity of that someone. Everytime your H see a man who's a friend of yours or a co-worker of yours, he is going to picture him sleeping with you.

 

 

My husband knows now. If I were the Sociopath, I wouldn't have told him. I was talking about the man who fooled me into this affair. I take full responsibility but I just hoped this post would help someone victimized in the same way. I had never cheated on my husband until this incident two years ago, and never will again - I was just very taken back and "fooled" by this person who was a professional Sociopath.

 

Thank you for your post but I am very lucky to have my husband. He has actually saved my life through this unfortunate trial in my life. I definitely have learned what the phrase "judge not, lest ye be judged" means. Thanks.

[bentnotbroken]

My husband knows now. If I were the Sociopath, I wouldn't have told him. I was talking about the man who fooled me into this affair. I take full responsibility but I just hoped this post would help someone victimized in the same way. I had never cheated on my husband until this incident two years ago, and never will again - I was just very taken back and "fooled" by this person who was a professional Sociopath.

 

Thank you for your post but I am very lucky to have my husband. He has actually saved my life through this unfortunate trial in my life. I definitely have learned what the phrase "judge not, lest ye be judged" means. Thanks.

 

 

 

You were fooled? You didn't know you shouldn't sleep with someone you aren't married to or another woman's husband? How did he fool you on those two points? And you aren't lucky to have your husband, you are blessed with the gift of a real man.

[Zoomarch]

You were fooled? You didn't know you shouldn't sleep with someone you aren't married to or another woman's husband? How did he fool you on those two points? And you aren't lucky to have your husband, you are blessed with the gift of a real man.

 

 

Ok, never mind to all of you. Maybe you should go back and read my entire story. I was feeling closure and wanted to express that to all of you who helped me at that time. Now I'm feeling like none of you have any idea of what I'm talking about. Should not have even gotten back in here.

[bentnotbroken]

It just seems that you're shifting all the blame to the sociopath, while you were the one who persue the affair even after he ended it, based on what you wrote above.

 

Bentnotbroken is right on point on the following:

 

"You didn't know you shouldn't sleep with someone you aren't married to or another woman's husband? How did he fool you on those two points?"

 

 

That's all I was saying. It seems as if she still hasn't accepted that she was an adult who made her own decisions. That doesn't mean that he isn't a whack job, it just means a whack job can't do anything that you don't allow him to do. You let him into your life knowing you both were married and still wanted him after. It looks like you have found a way to vindicate your actions by labeling him. He isn't the only one with labels. Thank God you have a good man.

[Lookingforward]

Ok, never mind to all of you. Maybe you should go back and read my entire story. I was feeling closure and wanted to express that to all of you who helped me at that time. Now I'm feeling like none of you have any idea of what I'm talking about. Should not have even gotten back in here.

 

fwiw - I DID go back and read through your threads...I don't see these 'sociopathic' tendencies you're talking about .......unless they became apparent to you in between your last posting and now.

 

seems your 'closure' is just about having managed to shift all the blame in your own head.

[81West]

That's all I was saying. It seems as if she still hasn't accepted that she was an adult who made her own decisions. That doesn't mean that he isn't a whack job, it just means a whack job can't do anything that you don't allow him to do. You let him into your life knowing you both were married and still wanted him after. It looks like you have found a way to vindicate your actions by labeling him. He isn't the only one with labels. Thank God you have a good man.

 

I don't know any about the OP's story, but it seems like she's happier now and relieved to have dodged a bullet, so that's a good thing.

 

Sociopath does not equal 'whack job'. Sociopaths appear quite normal and frequently have intense charisma and charm. They are experts at twisting others into knots to get what the want - usually sex, money or personal power. If the OP is correct in her 'diagnosis' it would be a mistake to underestimate the role this played in her being drawn into the affair and the degree to which it was difficult to extract herself. I don't mean to completely exonerate her from her own choices, but people unlucky enough to become entangled in personal relationships with psychopaths/sociopaths are at extreme risk of personal, emotional and/or financial harm. Sociopaths almost always leave behind a trail of destruction and an utterly bewildered victim.

[GreenEyedLady]

I personally don't understand how people determine that their partner in crime is a narcissist or sociopath but then don't apply the same criteria to themselves. Closure should include taking responsibility for our part.

 

While I'm glad that the OP is feeling stronger, I don't see how blaming someone else for her choices is any type of real closure. She wasn't forced or coerced. She participated of her own free will.

 

Maybe her partner in crime deems her the "sociopath." Perception is reality. We see that here day after day.

[81West]

fwiw - I DID go back and read through your threads...I don't see these 'sociopathic' tendencies you're talking about .......unless they became apparent to you in between your last posting and now.

 

seems your 'closure' is just about having managed to shift all the blame in your own head.

 

Wow. I just read it through as well. Sociopathy is a professional diagnosis, and one therefore that I am clearly unable to make. Even if I was qualified it would be completely unreasonable to try and do so on the basis of such limited information. But that being said, I have to say there was a great deal of disturbing content in her posts that was very consistent with her lover being sociopathic. I have done tons and tons of reading about psychopathy over the years because it fascinates me.

 

I think we may need to cut this poster a break.

[81West]

I personally don't understand how people determine that their partner in crime is a narcissist or sociopath but then don't apply the same criteria to themselves. Closure should include taking responsibility for our part.

 

GEL true sociopathy is so much more than "he's selfish and he lied to me and he dumped me and he's a huge narcissistic jerk". Honestly, from what I know of the subject - and for a lay person it's quite a bit - I could not rule it out in this guy's case based on what she wrote. Of course, as I wrote above, I'm not qualified to diagnose it either!

[bentnotbroken]

I don't know any about the OP's story, but it seems like she's happier now and relieved to have dodged a bullet, so that's a good thing.

 

Sociopath does not equal 'whack job'. Sociopaths appear quite normal and frequently have intense charisma and charm. They are experts at twisting others into knots to get what the want - usually sex, money or personal power. If the OP is correct in her 'diagnosis' it would be a mistake to underestimate the role this played in her being drawn into the affair and the degree to which it was difficult to extract herself. I don't mean to completely exonerate her from her own choices, but people unlucky enough to become entangled in personal relationships with psychopaths/sociopaths are at extreme risk of personal, emotional and/or financial harm. Sociopaths almost always leave behind a trail of destruction and an utterly bewildered victim.

 

 

Whack job is a lose term, because I think sociopathy and all other terms are used too often to just explain poor decision making, bad habits and the general mess we create.

 

And since we are talking about something that is my new field of study, I know whack job isn't a proper diagnosis for anything. So she's happy and with her H. God is good. But that doesn't explain how she got fooled into cheating when she knew she was married. That's just old bull crap.

[bentnotbroken]

I personally don't understand how people determine that their partner in crime is a narcissist or sociopath but then don't apply the same criteria to themselves. Closure should include taking responsibility for our part.

 

While I'm glad that the OP is feeling stronger, I don't see how blaming someone else for her choices is any type of real closure. She wasn't forced or coerced. She participated of her own free will.

 

Maybe her partner in crime deems her the "sociopath." Perception is reality. We see that here day after day.

 

 

I agree that we all should take responsibiltiy for our mess. This poster didn't she labeled a person a sociopath and she did the same thing.

[Lookingforward]

But that doesn't explain how she got fooled into cheating when she knew she was married. That's just old bull crap.

 

yup, and reading through her threads all I see is how SHE couldn't get him "out of her head" but unbelievably between her last thread and the OP of this thread she now "sees" that it was all his fault for as you say fooling her into an A with a sociopath.........

 

As far as "cutting a poster a break" , yeah I will when they're at least honest with us as well as themselves - this is just self serving crap, that is of no benefit to anyone else in a similar situation.

[81West]

Whack job is a lose term, because I think sociopathy and all other terms are used too often to just explain poor decision making, bad habits and the general mess we create.

 

And since we are talking about something that is my new field of study, I know whack job isn't a proper diagnosis for anything. So she's happy and with her H. God is good. But that doesn't explain how she got fooled into cheating when she knew she was married. That's just old bull crap.

 

How do people get fooled out of their life savings by sociopathic romantic predators when they know money is a commodity that needs protection and safe guarding? The manipulative power of a psycopath is staggering.

 

Exposing yourself to the possibility of an affair with a normal person is vastly different from exposing yourself to the possibility of an affair with a sociopath. There is personal responsibility in both cases, but it's like the difference between turning left and rear-ending the guy in front of you, and turning right and being slammed head on by a transport truck. In the first case there is the possibility of hitting the brakes, dusting yourself off, and getting out without too much damage with a lesson learned. In the second case the balance of power vastly favours the other party and the damage is devastating, debilitating and it's almost impossible to get out of the wreckage without help. You never get out unscathed and sometimes you're flat out lucky to come out the other side at all. So the sins are the same - turn left or turn right - but the results are not.

[bentnotbroken]

How do people get fooled out of their life savings by sociopathic romantic predators when they know money is a commodity that needs protection and safe guarding? The manipulative power of a psycopath is staggering.

 

Exposing yourself to the possibility of an affair with a normal person is vastly different from exposing yourself to the possibility of an affair with a sociopath. There is personal responsibility in both cases, but it's like the difference between turning left and rear-ending the guy in front of you, and turning right and being slammed head on by a transport truck. In the first case there is the possibility of hitting the brakes, dusting yourself off, and getting out without too much damage with a lesson learned. In the second case the balance of power vastly favours the other party and the damage is devastating, debilitating and it's almost impossible to get out of the wreckage without help. You never get out unscathed and sometimes you're flat out lucky to come out the other side at all. So the sins are the same - turn left or turn right - but the results are not.

 

We agree to disagree. Blessings.

[81West]

We agree to disagree. Blessings.

 

Blessings to you too.

 

But respectfully, the only aspect of this that is up for debate is whether or not the OP was in fact a victim of a sociopath. There is no debate about whether sociopaths profoundly manipulate others, and lead them all kinds of places they never would have gone on their own. It's natural for many to resist this notion because it seems to release the victim from personal repsonsibility, but it's simply an acknowledement of the extreme and treacherous nature of the situation. It's something most of us never have to live, mercifully, but the ones that do live it are usually left wrung out, isolated and judged by those around them who are unfortunately largely incapable of understanding their experience.

[whichwayisup]

A few mths ago, I finally told my H, but to this day, I have not told him who it is despite his persistence in knowing

 

She owes her husband the FULL truth. The reason why she hasn't told her H who this guy is, is because he'll tell her to quit her job and I think her working with him just keeps the connection slightly still there.

 

. So I am the one suffering professionally from this because I’m the one who will no longer show up for professional meetings. This could ruin my career – but there’s no way that he will not show to a meeting. I have to make that sacrifice which I think is unfair, but I know if we are in the same place, at the same time, we will definitely end up in bed.

 

How can him not showing up to meetings ruin your career? Unfortunatley when you choose to have an affair with someone that you work with, the fallout is expected. You both put yourselves in this situation.

 

Sorry but I just see two people who are selfish and cheated because they couldn't say no to eachother. Doesn't matter who is more wrong or who the sociopath is - BOTH of you have traits as well as narcissistic ones as well.

 

Stop being so concerned about your exMM and focus on fixing your marriage. Maybe start by telling your husband everything, including who your exMM is. If he finds out on his own one day, he'll be quite angry. Who knows if exMM's wife knows about you, so she could very well call your husband and talk to him.

 

I hope you come back and continue posting. Alot of people are just honest and speak their minds, so don't let it get to you. Besides, what really counts is the respect of people in your life, your friends, family, co-workers, not strangers on an internet forum.

[Zoomarch]

81West: This is my last post here as I just wanted to thank you for your complete understanding on this issue. Because I did come to this realization since my last post, I wanted to post in an effort to potentially save someone else from this kind of hell I've been through. I do not post on forums. I posted here a year ago because I was desperate to find out what was going on.

 

I did not diagnose this man. Three people in mgt at my company did. He is now being watched like a hawk. He is soooo smooth. Nobody at my company knows about the affair. When all these other things came to light, and the word Sociopath was used to describe him, I researched it thoroughly. He displays all the traits of a Sociopath and it really brought closure and understanding for me. And for the record, to the other posters, I did take full responsibility with the person who mattered. My husband. He knows me very well which is why he forgave me - He knew that this had to be bigger than just the fact that I cheated on him after being faithful throughout our entire marriage.

 

I have finally found closure on this - He still has to call me because we work together and he still tries to mess with my head daily. The difference now is that I feel sorry for him and when he talks to me now, I can "read" his words as manipulation to achieve his own personal and professional goals. There is no way he can ever fool me again now that I have this knowledge. I feel free finally.

 

Again, 81West, it sounds like you have also researched this issue and understand it well. Thank you for your support and I thank the rest of you who were in here trying to support me last year. I'm such a private person and it helped to "sort of" talk with others about this.

[bentnotbroken]

Except you didn't tell your H who it was, you told him what you wanted him to know. Your H is a good man.

[whichwayisup]

Except you didn't tell your H who it was, you told him what you wanted him to know. Your H is a good man.

 

I mentioned the exact same thing in my other reply, which wasn't commented on by the OP. One day her husband WILL find out who the OM is...

[Capricciosa]

Just a quick note to Zoomarch. My last relationship was with a man who displayed almost all the tendencies in your Sociopath list. I wasn't cheating on anyone, but I did find myself drawn into something that was very bad for me, destructive, financially straining, and downright embarrassing. How could I get involved with such a person? How could I have been so stupid, gullible, you name it... So if indeed you were manipulated by such a man, I sympathize--marital status notwithstanding--and I am happy you got out. I still don't know how to classify my own role in the debacle. I was charmed then manipulated then emotionally abused, all the while my money was being spent. Yes, I got drawn in and perhaps missed the signs, flags, etc. It was truly difficult to get out. Ask any abused woman. So congrats on getting out and moving on. Though, personally, I would be tempted to find a new job if I were you. Nothing good can come of being in the same vicinity with the man who manipulated you in such a manner.

 

Yes folks, she was there, she participated, she made some choices, but under what conditions? If you've never been in the situation, it is hard to understand and to judge by normal criteria. Sure, there might be underlying causes in OPs psychology, there certainly were in mine, but really, it's like having drugs slipped into your coffee every morning. Hard to function normally...

[whichwayisup]

Three people in mgt at my company did. He is now being watched like a hawk. He is soooo smooth. Nobody at my company knows about the affair.

 

I don't believe noone knows. Besides, I have to ask, but how are you in a position to know that management think he's a sociopath? And how do you know he's being watched like a hawk? People aren't stupid - They may play along that they don't know about the affair, but chances are, they've seen you two interact and be close, and now you two aren't anymore. That stuff DOES get noticed by others, so don't fool yourself into believing that it was a secret.

[Lookingforward]

81West: This is my last post here as I just wanted to thank you for your complete understanding on this issue. Because I did come to this realization since my last post, I wanted to post in an effort to potentially save someone else from this kind of hell I've been through. I do not post on forums. I posted here a year ago because I was desperate to find out what was going on.

 

I did not diagnose this man. Three people in mgt at my company did. He is now being watched like a hawk. He is soooo smooth. Nobody at my company knows about the affair. When all these other things came to light, and the word Sociopath was used to describe him, I researched it thoroughly. He displays all the traits of a Sociopath and it really brought closure and understanding for me. And for the record, to the other posters, I did take full responsibility with the person who mattered. My husband. He knows me very well which is why he forgave me - He knew that this had to be bigger than just the fact that I cheated on him after being faithful throughout our entire marriage.

 

I have finally found closure on this - He still has to call me because we work together and he still tries to mess with my head daily. The difference now is that I feel sorry for him and when he talks to me now, I can "read" his words as manipulation to achieve his own personal and professional goals. There is no way he can ever fool me again now that I have this knowledge. I feel free finally.

 

Again, 81West, it sounds like you have also researched this issue and understand it well. Thank you for your support and I thank the rest of you who were in here trying to support me last year. I'm such a private person and it helped to "sort of" talk with others about this.

 

Interesting that this "background" to your initial post that he was a sociopath didn't surface until after the responses. I also have to wonder how 3 people at a "management company" would be suitably qualified to diagnose this man, and why their only reaction is to "watch him like a hawk".

 

Something still smells "iffy"

 

You are STILL not totally owning your part in this A in my opinion, or you would tell your H the total truth regarding who this man is and let him make his own choices.

[Zoomarch]

Maybe I did not make it clear on the first page of this thread when I said "My husband knows now." My husband KNOWS who it is now. I pasted my original post from a year ago which is where you all are getting that he doesn't know. When you brought this up, I told you he does know now. He's known who it is for close to a year now.

 

Thank you for all of your opinions. I know what happened to me and that is ultimately what is important. I have no doubt this man is a sociopath and I have no doubt I was brainwashed by him. Unless you have ever been a victim of a sociopath, you couldn't possibly understand. And yes, my husband is a very good man, and believe it or not, he things I'm a very good woman.

 

Take care everyone.