sally4sara Posted June 18, 2008 Posted June 18, 2008 I COMPLETELY disagree with all posters who say not to marry. That is BOLD advice based on minimal perception of a situation. It's ridiculous! Maybe that's why we're all on LoveShack. Don't get what we want then run. Whatever happened to working things out when you have a problem? My God...... FUCHSIEYELASHES, remember you're on a website where prob 90% + people have been hurt. Most responses will reflect this. Moving on.......... My opinion: I believe another poster mentioned this - he's lazy. You give sex too easily and obey his commands when he asks, which in turn reduces the challenge of sexual gratification. Tease him (Not obviously) and don't give him sex for 2 - 4 weeks. Continue this pattern until the tables turn. If the tables do not turn, there's prob a medical condition or he does not find you sexually attractive. Since he's marrying you, I doubt it's the latter. fuchsieeyelashes, EVERYONE has relationship problems. You will not grow and take the realtionship to the next level until you COMMUNICATE and SOLVE the problems TOGETHER. Good Luck! Till they can establish better communication, she shouldn't marry this guy. It doesn't mean she can't try to work it out; it just means she should wait to see if this is the shining example of how he is going to be period. She could try all the advise given and maybe things will work out, maybe not. If not she will be happy she didn't marry him. From what I've seen, men and women think their partner married them because they are completely happy and accepting of them as is (hopefully anyway). It would stand to reason that any problem you don't get smoothed out before marriage will be doubly hard to smooth out after. Much less incentive after.
Explorer Posted June 18, 2008 Posted June 18, 2008 The "tables" will not turn - I am amazed at women's inflated opinion of their abilty to create lust in a man where none exists. Ladies you do not have the power that you would like to believe that you have. Men lust after a woman because WE find you ATTRACTIVE - we like the way that you look, talk, walk and act. The advice from Explorer above sounds like it was lifted out of some supermarket women's magazine - its is awful and manipulative and it misses the whole point. To the OP . The guy does not want to have sex because his DESIRE for you has dropped thru the floor. You can tease and tantalize and dress up in dolls clothes till you are blue in the face and withhold all you like, BUT the reality is that his desire to F**k you has all but disappeared and no amount of 'girly games' will reverse that - EVER. DO not marry this guy - he will cheat in the marriage and so will you. Tough break girl.. The tables WILL turn and it's up to her to keep them turned. I am now a woman and my opinion solely comes from understanding human psychology, both men and women. Attraction CAN be turned on and off. It takes WORK to keep it turned on. This is where she failed. From the way you write it sounds like you've been taken advantage of before. I can feel the hate for women in your response. You don't throw away a Bentley just because it has a dent in it. FIX IT
imbewildered Posted June 18, 2008 Posted June 18, 2008 The tables WILL turn and it's up to her to keep them turned. I am now a woman and my opinion solely comes from understanding human psychology, both men and women. Attraction CAN be turned on and off. It takes WORK to keep it turned on. This is where she failed. From the way you write it sounds like you've been taken advantage of before. I can feel the hate for women in your response. You don't throw away a Bentley just because it has a dent in it. FIX IT I believe that you really believe this.
Explorer Posted June 18, 2008 Posted June 18, 2008 Till they can establish better communication, she shouldn't marry this guy. It doesn't mean she can't try to work it out; it just means she should wait to see if this is the shining example of how he is going to be period. She could try all the advise given and maybe things will work out, maybe not. If not she will be happy she didn't marry him. From what I've seen, men and women think their partner married them because they are completely happy and accepting of them as is (hopefully anyway). It would stand to reason that any problem you don't get smoothed out before marriage will be doubly hard to smooth out after. Much less incentive after. Marriages take WORK to maintain. Bottom-line. She needs to understand this before entering into it. Once again, every relationship will have positives and negatives. Weigh them out.
Explorer Posted June 18, 2008 Posted June 18, 2008 I believe that you really believe this. Is this a lame attempt to chastise me?
Lizzie60 Posted June 18, 2008 Posted June 18, 2008 I believe another poster mentioned this - he's lazy. You give sex too easily and obey his commands when he asks, which in turn reduces the challenge of sexual gratification. Tease him (Not obviously) and don't give him sex for 2 - 4 weeks. Continue this pattern until the tables turn. I said he was probably a lazy and selfish lover.. She gives sex too easily... huh??? she has a healthy sex drive .. he doesn't.. they're not on the same 'sexual' page ... Why would she be the one to 'WORK' things out.. to tease him.. and to get sex only once every 2 to 4 weeks.. that's totally unacceptable.. they BOTH have to work things out.. it won't help HIM if SHE is doing all the work... People allow people to either abuse or neglect them.. it's that simple... and when one partner is either abusive or selfish/lazy..then he has the 'power'.. because he is allowed to.. She shouldn't get married unless they work this out.... They have to FIX it BEFORE they get married.. not after.. I very much doubt this is a medical problem.. most 'lack of libido' are mainly 'selfishness or laziness'... period...
Explorer Posted June 18, 2008 Posted June 18, 2008 I believe another poster mentioned this - he's lazy. You give sex too easily and obey his commands when he asks, which in turn reduces the challenge of sexual gratification. Tease him (Not obviously) and don't give him sex for 2 - 4 weeks. Continue this pattern until the tables turn. I said he was probably a lazy and selfish lover.. She gives sex too easily... huh??? she has a healthy sex drive .. he doesn't.. they're not on the same 'sexual' page ... Why would she be the one to 'WORK' things out.. to tease him.. and to get sex only once every 2 to 4 weeks.. that's totally unacceptable.. they BOTH have to work things out.. it won't help HIM if SHE is doing all the work... People allow people to either abuse or neglect them.. it's that simple... and when one partner is either abusive or selfish/lazy..then he has the 'power'.. because he is allowed to.. She shouldn't get married unless they work this out.... They have to FIX it BEFORE they get married.. not after.. I very much doubt this is a medical problem.. most 'lack of libido' are mainly 'selfishness or laziness'... period... By "sex too easily", I meant spoiling him with sexual favors without getting the return. He became use to this treatment so it will have to be REVERSED so she can attempt to balance the intimate encounters. Communication is important but it should be discussed AFTER you regain his attraction, not before. Before will cause more problems. I never said she should fix the problem after they got married. I simply said she shouldn't throw away this relationship, especially without an attempt to fix it. I also doubt this is a medical problem. I use to be this guy with a past g\f.
MaxManwell Posted June 18, 2008 Posted June 18, 2008 Maybe he just does not like sex all that much.. you should respect him for that decision it is then up to you if you want to marry him or not. What is more important to you sex or love ?
MaxManwell Posted June 18, 2008 Posted June 18, 2008 By "sex too easily", I meant spoiling him with sexual favors without getting the return. He became use to this treatment so it will have to be REVERSED so she can attempt to balance the intimate encounters. Communication is important but it should be discussed AFTER you regain his attraction, not before. Before will cause more problems. I never said she should fix the problem after they got married. I simply said she shouldn't throw away this relationship, especially without an attempt to fix it. I also doubt this is a medical problem. I use to be this guy with a past g\f. How about she tells him to roll over, rubs his tummy and gives him a dog biscuit. Smack him on the nose when he doesn't do it right with a rolled up news paper. That should teach him.
Lizzie60 Posted June 18, 2008 Posted June 18, 2008 By "sex too easily", I meant spoiling him with sexual favors without getting the return. He became use to this treatment so it will have to be REVERSED so she can attempt to balance the intimate encounters. Communication is important but it should be discussed AFTER you regain his attraction, not before. Before will cause more problems. I never said she should fix the problem after they got married. I simply said she shouldn't throw away this relationship, especially without an attempt to fix it. I also doubt this is a medical problem. I use to be this guy with a past g\f. I never said to throw away this relationship.. I said NOT to get married.. she should have a 'serious' talk with him.. and if things DO NOT change.. then she should leave him.. but the most important thing here is.. to not get married unless they work that issue.
twice_shy Posted June 18, 2008 Posted June 18, 2008 He'd be begging by now if you wouldn't have already had sex with him before marriage......should've held off on that... Oh ya...then when she found out he doesn't like sex AFTER marriage, then she is pretty much stuck in an unhappy marriage. I never buy a car unless I test drive it first.
sally4sara Posted June 18, 2008 Posted June 18, 2008 The tables WILL turn and it's up to her to keep them turned. I am now a woman and my opinion solely comes from understanding human psychology, both men and women. Attraction CAN be turned on and off. It takes WORK to keep it turned on. This is where she failed. From the way you write it sounds like you've been taken advantage of before. I can feel the hate for women in your response. You don't throw away a Bentley just because it has a dent in it. FIX IT Did anyone else catch that......I just want to make sure I'm comprehending what I'm reading. Cause if I did, I would think THAT would be a fascinating thread topic Explorer. A relationship does take some work. For the work to be done, one person raises an issue with the other and they talk about it. Its not going to work if the talk is "don't bother me about this". Its not going to work for a long term BF/GF relationship and its certainly not going to work for a marriage.
Explorer Posted June 18, 2008 Posted June 18, 2008 Did anyone else catch that......I just want to make sure I'm comprehending what I'm reading. Cause if I did, I would think THAT would be a fascinating thread topic Explorer. A relationship does take some work. For the work to be done, one person raises an issue with the other and they talk about it. Its not going to work if the talk is "don't bother me about this". Its not going to work for a long term BF/GF relationship and its certainly not going to work for a marriage. Nice catch S4S . I hate to dissapoint, but it was just a spelling error. I mean not* Communication is KEY but so is TIMING. She needs to regain his attraction, then talk.
Explorer Posted June 18, 2008 Posted June 18, 2008 I never said to throw away this relationship.. I said NOT to get married.. she should have a 'serious' talk with him.. and if things DO NOT change.. then she should leave him.. but the most important thing here is.. to not get married unless they work that issue. My response was in defense that you were implying that I was advising that she fix the problem AFTER they got married. Which I wasn't, and this is what I stated in my last response to you. Now you're twisting this into you defending yourself and making it look like I implied that you said to throw the relationship away, which I never did.
whichwayisup Posted June 18, 2008 Posted June 18, 2008 ANYWAY. the point is, it makes me feel unwanted, insecure and ugly. Have you told him this? Sounds like you two need to talk. If things don't get better seek couples therapy. Hopefully he is willing to change and make more effort. If he isn't willing to, then you have a choice to make.
whichwayisup Posted June 18, 2008 Posted June 18, 2008 I COMPLETELY disagree with all posters who say not to marry. I agree with Lizzie 100%. She should NOT marry this guy UNTIL this gets sorted out. It'll only get worse as time goes on. Throw in afew children, work, life's daily stresses, how do you think he'll be then? Also, this is doing DAMAGE to her, making her feel bad. Why should she marry a man, reguardless of their love for eachother, who makes her feel insecure, ugly and unhappy? This woman NEEDS to feel desired by her partner, to feel intimacy and loved. Right now she isn't feeling it from him.
Lovelybird Posted June 18, 2008 Posted June 18, 2008 i have tried outfits, toys, locations, sending naughty pics on his phone, sending naughty messages, dressing hott for work, talking to old guy friends (just to make him jealous or realize what he has. IMO you overdid it. If you want him to 'beg' you, then you won't overshower him with all that sex stuff. If he wants one piece of cake, you offered him two, what will he feel? Either you become more patient, wait him to initiate the sex, and adjust your desire; or find a man who love a sexually agressive woman.
sally4sara Posted June 18, 2008 Posted June 18, 2008 Nice catch S4S . I hate to dissapoint, but it was just a spelling error. I mean not* Communication is KEY but so is TIMING. She needs to regain his attraction, then talk. And I am totally disappointed because I would have soooo many questions for a post op! Instead.....just another guy thinking its more the woman's responsibility to fix the problem. The issue has left her frustrated, insecure, and feeling ugly, but its up to her to play the game and if she does try to communicate it too him - BE CAREFUL; make sure your timing is perfect! Geez, this is a lot of hoop jumping for a guy who gets mad when his girl suggests he do something other than just lay there a couple times a month! I wonder what the advise would be to a guy in this situation? Just sayin'......
Explorer Posted June 18, 2008 Posted June 18, 2008 And I am totally disappointed because I would have soooo many questions for a post op! Instead.....just another guy thinking its more the woman's responsibility to fix the problem. The issue has left her frustrated, insecure, and feeling ugly, but its up to her to play the game and if she does try to communicate it too him - BE CAREFUL; make sure your timing is perfect! Geez, this is a lot of hoop jumping for a guy who gets mad when his girl suggests he do something other than just lay there a couple times a month! I wonder what the advise would be to a guy in this situation? Just sayin'...... I am not "just another guy thinking its more the woman's responsibility to fix the problem." She posted a question, I offered a solution. My advice would be the same for a male - avoid sex but lightly flirt (not making it obvious) and wait for her to initiate. Once initiated, feed her sex slowly and cautiously (Similar to playing hard to get). Repeat several times, maybe mix up a bit in the process, until the tables are turned. Once tables are turned, balance the sex out and maintain since you're in control of what's going on.
GPFan Posted June 18, 2008 Posted June 18, 2008 I am marrying my guy next month... Are you sure about this? If you are having any feelings of depression or angst, then consider delaying the wedding until you two have explored your feelings in counselling.
Author Fuchsiaeyelashes Posted June 18, 2008 Author Posted June 18, 2008 Wow. I did not expect to have so many people be interested in this topic. I am planning on talking to him before I get married, but I don't have much time. The wedding is a month away, exactly. The hard thing is I have talked to him about this before, and before, and before. He claims to be in a sexual rut. And I can completely understand that. But I think he is lying when he says this. (because he makes no effort to get out.) Thats just one reason. Another is that he doesn't want to hurt me. (Because Doctors think I have Uterius Cancer.) But that has been going on since November of last year. I keep telling him sex doesn't hurt. Another reason is his back hurts. Or he is tired. He uses whatever excuse that works for his advantage at the time. I honestly think his sex drive is lower than mine, or mine is tooo high. You know, he even told me that if I want sex I have to get it as soon as I got home from work. (thats because he doesn't like sex before bed) When I get home from work, there are at least 4 people hanging out. So what am I supposed to do? When we first started dating, he couldn't keep his hands off of me. I think this because I made him wait 5 years for "this." And I did play the game. I turned him down, made him wait for it. Now I can't do that anymore, If I tease him, get him hard and walk away, instead of following me he just jacks off right there. And that kills me. Why is he pleasuring himself if I am right in the other room. Obvisously I turned you on? Don't get me wrong, we do have sex, averange is about once a week, and maybe, maybe once a weekend. Yes my man has control issues. He is working on that. Other than our sex life we get along, as well as two people who live together does. I just want him to want me. In general. I want him to stop watching tv and look at me. Sex is very important to me. And I have been more patient with this subject. I don't make a big deal about it anymore. I walk away when he tells me no, or I drop the subject. I am diffinitely thankful for everyone's input. Bottom line, I love him. And I know with all my being he loves me. And Caliguy, thanks for the offer.
carhill Posted June 18, 2008 Posted June 18, 2008 More information, same opinion... Cancel the wedding... Get yourselves to a PMC. You both need it, trust me
imbewildered Posted June 18, 2008 Posted June 18, 2008 When we first started dating, he couldn't keep his hands off of me. I think this because I made him wait 5 years for "this." And I did play the game. I turned him down, made him wait for it. I will bet London to a Brick that he is now playing YOU at your own game . I guarantee that this stupid game that you played for 5 years, believing that you are "in control" has now backfired on you,. I guarantee that he is full of resentment at this outrage that you pulled, and so he should be,. The fact that he did not dump your azz for doing this indicates that he has little self respect and no confidence in his ability to stand up to you. His "lack of sex drive " is his passive aggressive way of getting even with you.
CaliGuy Posted June 18, 2008 Posted June 18, 2008 Wow. I did not expect to have so many people be interested in this topic. I am planning on talking to him before I get married, but I don't have much time. The wedding is a month away, exactly. The hard thing is I have talked to him about this before, and before, and before. He claims to be in a sexual rut. And I can completely understand that. But I think he is lying when he says this. (because he makes no effort to get out.) Thats just one reason. Another is that he doesn't want to hurt me. (Because Doctors think I have Uterius Cancer.) But that has been going on since November of last year. I keep telling him sex doesn't hurt. Another reason is his back hurts. Or he is tired. He uses whatever excuse that works for his advantage at the time. I honestly think his sex drive is lower than mine, or mine is tooo high. You know, he even told me that if I want sex I have to get it as soon as I got home from work. (thats because he doesn't like sex before bed) When I get home from work, there are at least 4 people hanging out. So what am I supposed to do? When we first started dating, he couldn't keep his hands off of me. I think this because I made him wait 5 years for "this." And I did play the game. I turned him down, made him wait for it. Now I can't do that anymore, If I tease him, get him hard and walk away, instead of following me he just jacks off right there. And that kills me. Why is he pleasuring himself if I am right in the other room. Obvisously I turned you on? Don't get me wrong, we do have sex, averange is about once a week, and maybe, maybe once a weekend. Yes my man has control issues. He is working on that. Other than our sex life we get along, as well as two people who live together does. I just want him to want me. In general. I want him to stop watching tv and look at me. Sex is very important to me. And I have been more patient with this subject. I don't make a big deal about it anymore. I walk away when he tells me no, or I drop the subject. I am diffinitely thankful for everyone's input. Bottom line, I love him. And I know with all my being he loves me. And Caliguy, thanks for the offer. Here's some food for thought. Do you think after you get married things will get better? Nope. Nine times out of ten they get worse. Once that ring is on people get hella comfortable in a relationship and don't feel like they need to work at it anymore. Most dating couples are on their best behavior. When the ring is on, who they really are comes into fruition. And if a lack of sex is bothering you now, it will be much worse after you get married. Just something to chew on. I am sure the married couples in here can confirm or deny this theory.
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