ibisflight Posted June 17, 2008 Posted June 17, 2008 I am dating (i guess that's what it is, might be sport Sex..... y'all tell me) a man who says he does not want to get married. I am in complete agreement with that. Been there done that and suffered the financial dispersement, no need to give away half of my "stuff" again. He feels the same. He wants to maintain his relationship with a long distance woman. Says she is really sweet, a really good person. She flies in about every other month - they are going on cruise next month. I have met parents and friends and attended public functions. But so has the "other woman". I get to have dinner ( he's a gormet cook) about other other day and have GREAT sex, then I leave and come home. I did say great sex right? He calls me most every day. He says he's never met anyone like me, and that sex is the best he's experienced. He can't believe I really am ok with other woman.... and I am, as long as I know I am "cared" about. Besides I'm younger, multi-talented (art, photography, writing), a mensa member, few (if any) sexual inhibitions, financially stable (so is he) and I am the nicest, most giving, trustworthy, straightforward and mentally stable person I know (except with this and I am completely confused). I rescue animals, volunteer with hospice, ect. I speak softly, do not easily get angry, and have explained that whether he is monogamous or not... I am, until he says he doesn't want the remote any more. If this ended now, there will never be any drama from me, no whining, no tears ... as Led Z says... "you will not hear me cry 'cause I do not sing the blues. " I would cry, but not in front of anyone. I've never met the other woman, so she may be as nice etc as I am. I do know her first name and that she does needlepoint. Times are when I feel him backing off, and I think ....ok that's it. I do not call him, although I do text sometimes. So my problem is ......does this guy like me (remember the "cares" about need that I have?) or does he just like sex on a regular schedule?
carhill Posted June 17, 2008 Posted June 17, 2008 Tell me about his interest in and review of your last major piece of prose or how he felt (what he communicated) when sharing your interest in art during your last gallery visit....
Jilly Bean Posted June 17, 2008 Posted June 17, 2008 The other woman is his priority and you are the side dish. His interest in you is only for the sex, while he is pursuing a relationship with HER. He told you he is surprised that you are so comfortable being treated like the ho, as he knows most women with an intact self-esteem do NOT do tolerate this.
Trialbyfire Posted June 17, 2008 Posted June 17, 2008 I don't understand what the problem is. He's told you everything. The two of you have an open relationship, which you've actively consented to. If it's not what you want, why are you in it?
Trialbyfire Posted June 17, 2008 Posted June 17, 2008 This is straight up stuff. Why would you get intimate with someone who you're not even certain likes you, nvm respects you? If you're okay with an FWB or open relationship, that's okay too. From what I've seen on LS, most (not all) women aren't okay with it and can't handle the compartmentalization. If so, why in the world would you do it?
dreamergrl Posted June 17, 2008 Posted June 17, 2008 I kinda agree with TBF, what's the point in questioning it when you know the situation and agreed to be there. Either way, I think this guy wants the other girl, but she's not as available as you due to distance (I take it as distance). Not to be harsh, but is this man taking you on a cruise or weekend get away? It sounds like he's saving the good stuff for her, and your the fill in.
refurb Posted June 17, 2008 Posted June 17, 2008 Tell me about his interest in and review of your last major piece of prose or how he felt (what he communicated) when sharing your interest in art during your last gallery visit.... Ouch! RF
carhill Posted June 17, 2008 Posted June 17, 2008 Dodge like a butterfly, sting like a bee Seriously, the interrogatory was supposed to discern the man's interest in this obviously articulate and gifted woman. I know what my answer would be
grogster Posted June 17, 2008 Posted June 17, 2008 "So my problem is ......does this guy like me (remember the "cares" about need that I have?) or does he just like sex on a regular schedule?" He "likes" you enough to have regular sex with you. He can both like you and like the sex--these are not mutually exclusive "likes". I suspect you're really not asking the question presented. Your actual question is really a gripe: "I have great sex with this guy all the time, yet we never spend the night together and Ms. (every other month) Needlepoint gets to go on a cruise with the man I'm fu#king! That's not fair!!!" Casual, no strings attached sex only works so long as the expectations, feelings and goals of the casual sex partners (CSP's) converge. When expectations start to diverge, that's when the sex goes from "great" to emotionally wrenching. Emotionally, you've moved beyond the just sex stage, and you want to feel loved. More importantly, you want your CSP to want your love. But he doesn't want your love, he wants your company and sex while he's separated from Ms. Needlepoint. You're filler.
Ruby Slippers Posted June 17, 2008 Posted June 17, 2008 You're filler. Agreed. Yes, he likes you, but he is not interested in anything more than sex with you.
sally4sara Posted June 17, 2008 Posted June 17, 2008 "So my problem is ......does this guy like me (remember the "cares" about need that I have?) or does he just like sex on a regular schedule?" He "likes" you enough to have regular sex with you. He can both like you and like the sex--these are not mutually exclusive "likes". I suspect you're really not asking the question presented. Your actual question is really a gripe: "I have great sex with this guy all the time, yet we never spend the night together and Ms. (every other month) Needlepoint gets to go on a cruise with the man I'm fu#king! That's not fair!!!" Casual, no strings attached sex only works so long as the expectations, feelings and goals of the casual sex partners (CSP's) converge. When expectations start to diverge, that's when the sex goes from "great" to emotionally wrenching. Emotionally, you've moved beyond the just sex stage, and you want to feel loved. More importantly, you want your CSP to want your love. But he doesn't want your love, he wants your company and sex while he's separated from Ms. Needlepoint. You're filler. This is pretty much it in a nut shell. The only thing that isn't as obvious is whether or not he can have a more committed relationship with Ms. Needlepoint. You don't know if it is what it is between them due to an inability to move (him and/or her) or if this set up is just his dream come true. It is starting to sound like he has his madonna AND whore cravings met all around right now. If he is forced to choose and doesn't choose you, how are you going to feel about that? Hell, if he DOES chose you, how are you going to feel about that?
grogster Posted June 17, 2008 Posted June 17, 2008 This is pretty much it in a nut shell. The only thing that isn't as obvious is whether or not he can have a more committed relationship with Ms. Needlepoint. You don't know if it is what it is between them due to an inability to move (him and/or her) or if this set up is just his dream come true. It is starting to sound like he has his madonna AND whore cravings met all around right now. If he is forced to choose and doesn't choose you, how are you going to feel about that? Hell, if he DOES chose you, how are you going to feel about that? That he does: It's a Man's World.
Trialbyfire Posted June 17, 2008 Posted June 17, 2008 Is this a question of choice for him or that the OP consented to being in an open relationship and has the choice to continue consenting or turning her back on his definition of relationship? No one is trapped in anything they don't choose to be trapped in. Step down if you're unhappy.
sally4sara Posted June 17, 2008 Posted June 17, 2008 That he does: It's a Man's World. Its not even that any more. The world belongs to the rich. I tell my man when he starts teasing me about him being the head of the household that he might be the head, but I'm the neck!
grogster Posted June 17, 2008 Posted June 17, 2008 Its not even that any more. The world belongs to the rich. I tell my man when he starts teasing me about him being the head of the household that he might be the head, but I'm the neck! So does that make you a "pain in the neck?"
sally4sara Posted June 18, 2008 Posted June 18, 2008 So does that make you a "pain in the neck?" That would be rather masochistic of me wouldn't it? What I mean by it is that a wise woman knows how to get the things she wants done in relationship so long as she does it in a way where the man thinks it was his glorious idea all along. He can even know what you're doing if you always let him take the credit. He won't even care and will fully admit it to you now and then. I imagine thats how most everything great gets done on this planet.
Author ibisflight Posted June 19, 2008 Author Posted June 19, 2008 I think I am there with the "saving the good stuff for her" BUT last time she was visiting, I think he saved the sex for me. Called me as soon as she walked out the door, and "cooked" for me that evening. He was cookin' too! He said she was ok with everything, but he wasn't sure about how I felt about her. This past weekend was the first time she has learned about me. Yep, I am past the sex for sex stage. So what do I do? Leave? Wait it out? I think I can outlast her, but then what? I am not yet "in love" but close, too damn close. I can still walk away with dignity and no drama. SHE understands that he is intimate with me. He says she is ok with that. The needlepoint she gave him for his birthday is matching pillowcases - "his" and "his" . He says she understands the way he is and that she has a matching set at home - hers and hers. And Crrhill - as far as what we talked about in regard to art, he saw some of my work at a gallery and asked me to paint him a watercolour. Which I did. It is hanging in his bedroom for the "other woman" to see. My writing is We are in agreement on politics, religion(she is not), children, responsibility - all the things that matter. I make it clear that I do not need anyone to take care OF me. I can take care OF myself. What I do not make clear is that I want someone to care ABOUT me. Oh my! What to do?! What to do!?
carhill Posted June 19, 2008 Posted June 19, 2008 I am not yet "in love" but close, too damn close. I can still walk away with dignity and no drama Do that. I think it's your only chance at exclusivity. Your assets demand it
imbewildered Posted June 19, 2008 Posted June 19, 2008 .....does this guy like me (remember the "cares" about need that I have?) or does he just like sex on a regular schedule? I asked a friend of mine about your question (she is also a Mensa gal ) and she did not know either.. must be a girl blindspot. OK, smart male to the rescue here ( that would be me). THe answer lies just between "does he just like" and "on a regular schedule" in the quote above. He sounds like a great guy, vibrant confident and healthy. THis thread reminds me of that old saying, " A woman would rather share a successful man than be with a faithful loser ".
carhill Posted June 19, 2008 Posted June 19, 2008 THis thread reminds me of that old saying, " A woman would rather share a successful man than be with a faithful loser ". Interesting take on the female psyche. OP, assuming this man treats you well and is responsive to your needs, could you see such sharing as a permanent thing, kinda like polygamy? Personally, I have a hard enough time having platonic female friends when married, but maybe "married" is the operative word. This guy apparently is smarter than that. Learning every day, I am
daphne Posted June 19, 2008 Posted June 19, 2008 What I mean by it is that a wise woman knows how to get the things she wants done in relationship so long as she does it in a way where the man thinks it was his glorious idea all along. He can even know what you're doing if you always let him take the credit. He won't even care and will fully admit it to you now and then. I imagine thats how most everything great gets done on this planet. sigh.... so so true. And from my experience with men, they are never remotely as smart as I am so it's a little embarrassing to let them take the credit cos we both know.
daphne Posted June 19, 2008 Posted June 19, 2008 ibis, If you were a man, I'd marry you. You sound awesome. I understand that this may have started off as an experiment on something casual, but it just doesn't last forever that way for most women. Regardless of how even keeled you are. You shouldn't be asking yourself if this guy likes you or her better. You know you have a lot to offer and all you need is someone as awesome who appreciates what you bring to the table. I would get moving on finding that, whether you continue to see this guy or not in the interim. But I think that that will keep you from actively looking for what's out there.
sally4sara Posted June 19, 2008 Posted June 19, 2008 sigh.... so so true. And from my experience with men, they are never remotely as smart as I am so it's a little embarrassing to let them take the credit cos we both know. There are different kinds of smart. Diplomacy just pops up more with women in my experience. Since we are using old sayings, I'll add "there is more than one way to skin a cat.";)
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