shanny Posted June 17, 2008 Posted June 17, 2008 So me and my boyfriend broke up for the most part and for good reason. He treated me like dirt and broke my heart in every way imaginable. Since then he has decided to change his ways and will do anything to get me back. A few months ago I would have jumped at the opportunity, but I have now met someone who I know would NEVER do those things to me... and he is attractive, well rounded... all around wonderful. I have not let the ex go completely. I still see him occasionally and I admit that I am basically leading him on. I think the reason I am doing it is because I just can't bear him moving on. I loved him so much... and maybe part of my problem is that with my new guy, we are not at the stage of love... just dating. Although my feelings for my ex have faded I feel like I am chosing between someone that I wanted to marry and someone who is fun to date. I keep feeling that I need to give love another chance. But either way, if I decide to leave my ex completely I will not be able to stand him with someone else. The thought devastates me. What I'm wondering is why I'm feeling that way... Is it because I still love him or is it just hard to let someone go? I am so confused. We have a lot of common friends so I would know about and probably see him with his new girl. I am tearing up at the thought... And just so you know... I have no commitment to either one of them. Yes I am sort of seeing two people right now but me and the ex broke up and me and the new guy have had no talks of commitment. It feels wrong though because I want to love just one person and be loved back. Any help is appreciated... I am so torn. <3Thanks<3
carhill Posted June 17, 2008 Posted June 17, 2008 What would happen if you stopped contact with your ex and didn't date anyone for a couple months? What I'm hearing from you is that you feel this is an unhealthy cycle but feel powerless to change it. Find your power
Lolsy254 Posted June 18, 2008 Posted June 18, 2008 I would just be really careful that your ex doesn't want you back just because he sees you with someone new. I agree with carhill, you probably should stop seeing both of these guys for at least a month. Plus, would your ex be willingly to give up this new girl for you to try and work together? Just be really careful how you handle this.
Stockalone Posted June 18, 2008 Posted June 18, 2008 I would think that as long as the ex is around, there is little chance to get the sparks flying with the new guy. I agree with carhill that you should stop dating both. Use some time to find out what you really want and more importantly what is best for you. I am terribly sorry if I confuse you with another poster, but isn't the ex that guy that treats(?), or at least treated you like dirt and caused you to go into so much debt for him that you had to move back in with your parents? All the while telling his wife that he was only using you for your money?
Trialbyfire Posted June 18, 2008 Posted June 18, 2008 shanny, break the cycle and dump the loser, on top of his pointy little head. You'll never get better when you hold something so dysfunctional so close to your heart. Are you doing this as a way to get back at him, holding onto him so he fuels the self-esteem that he vampired from you in the first place?
Author shanny Posted June 18, 2008 Author Posted June 18, 2008 I would think that as long as the ex is around, there is little chance to get the sparks flying with the new guy. I agree with carhill that you should stop dating both. Use some time to find out what you really want and more importantly what is best for you. I am terribly sorry if I confuse you with another poster, but isn't the ex that guy that treats(?), or at least treated you like dirt and caused you to go into so much debt for him that you had to move back in with your parents? All the while telling his wife that he was only using you for your money? Yes... that was me and he did do all of those things. He has since filed for divorce and said that he made the biggest mistake of his life. Although many may say I'm stupid for believing him (and I just may be), his actions have indicated that he truly means it. I totally understand where everyone is coming from as far as not dating anybody. All I know is that I cannot keep seeing two. Although I have no commitments, I still feel like an evil bee-yotch. What I'm really trying to decipher is my feelings for my ex... If I only want him back because I'm scared to let go, or if I really want him. The things he did were HORRIBLE and I'm stuck living at my parents house up to my ears in debt because of him. I keep thinking that he could be the one and I will only know that if I find it in my heart to forgive him. He now has a job and is on his feet and is finally acting like a respectable member of society. He said he owes it all to me for making him realize what he was doing. The new guy... he is great. But I'm scared I could be giving up THE ONE. I don't know what I expect anyone to tell me... I know I just need to make up my mind and commit to one or the other... or nobody at all.
Stockalone Posted June 18, 2008 Posted June 18, 2008 Yes... that was me and he did do all of those things. He has since filed for divorce and said that he made the biggest mistake of his life. Although many may say I'm stupid for believing him (and I just may be), his actions have indicated that he truly means it. My pride, right along with the unyielding and vindictive part of my soul would never forgive someone like him. I also believe none of us here on LS can, with good conscience, tell you to give this ex another chance. Does that mean you are stupid for thinking about it? No. Let's just say you are taking a (huge) risk that I would never take. But please, make sure that you take the time to think about it and weigh the pro's and con's. I totally understand where everyone is coming from as far as not dating anybody. All I know is that I cannot keep seeing two. Although I have no commitments, I still feel like an evil bee-yotch. I never dated more than one woman, so I don't know if it is possible to develop feelings while dividing attention and emotional investment. Since you also said that you are uncomfortable with the situation, I thought dating neither of them would give you the chance to take a step back and try to see the bigger picture in a more level-headed way. What I'm really trying to decipher is my feelings for my ex... If I only want him back because I'm scared to let go, or if I really want him. The things he did were HORRIBLE and I'm stuck living at my parents house up to my ears in debt because of him. I keep thinking that he could be the one and I will only know that if I find it in my heart to forgive him. He now has a job and is on his feet and is finally acting like a respectable member of society. He said he owes it all to me for making him realize what he was doing. Love is complicated and I certainly can understand the feeling about "the one". However, not for the life of me can I understand, how this ex can possibly be the one after the way he treated you. I know, that is pretty presumptuous of me, but are you really sure that you can trust your feelings about him? I went back and read your threads and along with what I remember from other threads that seem to have fallen victim to the data loss, it seems like you are still too vulnerable to this man's advances. Granted, I have never been in such a situation, but I don't think I would trust myself to make that decision whether ot not he has changed if I were in your position. That is probably another reason why I wouldn't give him a second chance. You should at least consider to turn to friends and family who know the ex and ask them for their input. Can people truly change and not only show it but also mean it? Yes, but I don't believe that many people actually do change. The new guy... he is great. But I'm scared I could be giving up THE ONE. I don't know what I expect anyone to tell me... I know I just need to make up my mind and commit to one or the other... or nobody at all. To really see if there can be sparks with the new guy, you need to get the ex out of your system. Think about it, is there anything, anything at all that the new guy could do to make you lean his way right now? I guess I am just afraid that you are so determined to believe that the ex, after all, is the fantasy you always wanted him to be in the first place, "the one". And that you don't want him to be that scumbag he turned out to be the first time. Still, even if he has changed, I am convinced that he doesn't deserve you after what he did. But that isn't my decision to make.
Event Horizon Posted June 18, 2008 Posted June 18, 2008 This one is easy: dump the great guy and go back to the guy who treated you like crap, and left you in debt. You haven't had enough yet. But please dump the nice guy and don't drag him into your dysfunction. E..H
Author shanny Posted June 20, 2008 Author Posted June 20, 2008 This one is easy: dump the great guy and go back to the guy who treated you like crap, and left you in debt. You haven't had enough yet. But please dump the nice guy and don't drag him into your dysfunction. E..H EH... I appreciate your straightforwardness but I wish it was as simple as you put it. I really don't think I'm totally disfunctional... just confused. But I do appreciate your advice. Stockalone and everyone else, thank you as well. Right now I am just kinda gonna lay low. I am trying to spend more time at home just to figure things out. It keeps going in a cycle... I have more feelings for the one I'm spending more time with but... I am starting to lean towards the ex again. I know, I know... you will all think I'm crazy. I really think that there is a chance that me and him can be a normal couple... He got a job and filed for divorce. The two main problems in our relationship were that he lived off of me and still had a relationship with his wife. I hate hurting people's feelings though and I will have to do it to one of them. Maybe you are right EH... maybe letting the new guy go is best for him if I really am crazy for considering getting back together with my ex.
joejoechen Posted June 21, 2008 Posted June 21, 2008 You said your ex were treating you like DIRT, what makes you think he won't AGAIN if he's back with you? Joe
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