stlnsmile Posted June 17, 2008 Posted June 17, 2008 Okay, I am struggling with this, its stupid, but oh well. These feelings always are. Please God someone tell me this rebound of his will never work. Ah, I know, someone is going to say that it could. Okay, maybe it can, but it kills me to believe that Karma will never have a hand in this situation. Please someone explain to me why rebounds don't work. Please someone explain to me what happens to a person in that situation. Their minds...what they go through. IDK. I just want to understand rebounds in general. I get that at first they are fun and all, but then the excitement wears off.....what happens then????? At least its a good discussion thread. So everyone tell me what you think...why is it rebounds rarely work? What feelings do people go through when they realize....oopps this is a rebound....they probably don't think that way..but something happens...what is it? How do they weasle out of that relationship too:)
4givrnt4gtr Posted June 17, 2008 Posted June 17, 2008 Rebounds i feel are sort of a cope out. People who engage in them are avoiding feeling the loss of the past relationship. Bassically, they carry the feelings they had in the past relationship onto the next person. (Not very fair). Also, if they were rejected they are seeking validation and an ego stroke. Why wont they work? because when the rebounding person finally gets over the past relationship they are finally able to see who they are dating. Oftentimes its someone they wouldnt have touch with a ten foot pole in their right minds. SOmetimes though, once they are able to really see and appreciate who they are with, turns out that they actually click and it works. Not very often though. I almost felt into that trap. I was seeking validation and attention so desperately, and so was my long time friend. We both ended our serious relationships at about the same time and we ALMOST used each other to ease the pain of the fall. Thankfully we truly love each other as friends, and although we did allow ourselves to sleep in the same bed holding each other, we knew better than to ruin our frienship like that. He is still convinced he is attracted to me, and although I may agree, I also know it would be total rebound and neither of us deserve that. In your case....will your ex's rebound work? probably not. But that means nothing. If its truly over I'd advice you to stop looking him up. Its hard and its painful, but not nearly as painful as knowing he is with someone else. Trust me on that one. Big hug.
carhill Posted June 17, 2008 Posted June 17, 2008 Male rebounds are easy (generically); they need sex After the sex and the ego stroke, the reality of that person, their psyche and baggage and needs and fears comes home to roost and all the guy sees is what he left behind and goes "whoa!" and he's outta there Simply, too much, too soon. Nothing more complicated than that, IMO. Some guys will have a number of such relationships prior to centering themselves if they don't get significant solitary time to process the ending of their primary past relationship (like a marriage). Each rebound has a subsequent mini-rebound. Me, I'll take peace and quiet and the cat any day of the week, but I'm not a "normal" guy
Author stlnsmile Posted June 17, 2008 Author Posted June 17, 2008 Oh nooo...I don't look him up.....EVER!!! No no no, these are just the questions of a curious mind. I have nooooo desire, zero to know anything about him. I know he's in a relationship, and that she is my clone...other than that...I am joyfully oblivious to his life in anyway.
dharris27 Posted June 18, 2008 Posted June 18, 2008 Hey There, Welcome to my life. every guy who's every been madly in love with me and I him, for some reason ends up with someone else within a month or a month and a half of our relationship. The guy in highschool he wasn't very successful because it was so obvious he was just needy, this guy that i dated for almost two years about eight months ago stepped into another relationship just a month afterwards even when he was still texting me he missed me and happy holidays. I broke up with both these guys and I'm not proud i hurt them, and honestly i know for a fact i grieved both these relationships about twenty times as long as they did because i don't believe true love is just with anyone and i don't believe in rebounds so i always try to work on myself after a breakup and really cope with what it was and what happened. It ****ing sucks too. Some people told me she was rebound, she was always around us as a couple. He was never very fond of her but i think towards the end of our relationship - the end i was aware of and he wasn't, she had tried to be more friendly with him and not with me probably because she liked him. I expect he was miserable and she showed up to save him. She's 31, that's six years older than him and you know eight years older than me. I broke up with him because he was kind of a bad tempered and selfish child although completely brilliant and funny and cute. So i don't see how an older woman would really be the right fit for someone so childish. So they are still together some seven months later. She incorporated herself into every group of friends he's ever had and she did that right away. She posts pictures of them together all over the web, this all within the first couple of months of them dating. I'd barely even begun to believe by then that he wouldn't be a part of my any more because he still contacted me and we have mutual friends. What's even worse is she knew we had just broken up and she persued him anyway. And she knew me and she now she acts as though I'm vapor if we are in the same room together. It's really lame. Anyway, long story short. It's ****ed my whole life and self esteem to think he could just turn around and do that - our breakup wasn't easy but we left on good terms. So, i don't think i gave him any reason to suddenly change his mind about me. I think these guys are kind of cowards and well, they will never deal with how they felt or feel about you if they have to focus all thier attention on making another relationship work. proof: The first time my ex saw me in a room when he was with his new girl he panicked and asked her if they could leave - not because i was a threat but because he hadn't seen me since we'd broken up and so he'd never really dealt with what that would be like since starting his new fling. He just couldn't handle the reality of things. If i were her i would have been pissed that he had not honestly gotten over his ex first - but what did she expect? She swooped him up off the ground as fast as she could. I don't know what to tell you but that it happens. And it doesn't mean your relationship was less. It means that this guy Is either really good at detaching himself from things either her or your past just long enough to make things easier for his ego. That's not an admirable nor human quality. Stay strong, don't let it make you fall. You being the bigger person will only let you look back one day and say "now i'm with someone i love and who i work with, i wouldn't be honestly in love with this guy had i not dealt with my past relationship" Hugs.
v33 Posted June 18, 2008 Posted June 18, 2008 I guess it depends. My ex left me for another man, but since we were on the outs I consider it a rebound. They told each other they loved each other within a month of them meeting, after the first time they slept together. I was sure it wouldn't last, but 3 months later they are practically living together. Now in my case there are certain circumstances that might allow this "rebound" that they have to go on for a long time where I think most other rebounds likely fail.... My ex is VERY needy and was looking for a specific type of man to "rescue" her and validate her. And this guy fits the bill perfectly. Even though she is only 37 and he is 58! But she always liked older men. He would be highly motivated to keep her around after the "honeymoon" period, well because he is 58 and she is young and beautiful. No matter how nuts she is I can't imagine the guy will care much. I guess what I am saying is that it depends on the circumstances. I think rebounds can work but only in limited cases. Anyways, you need to stop worrying about weather their relationship will work or not. It's done right? You aren't getting back together. Just focus on yourself and find a man that is good for you and avoid the rebound trap yourself. I was jealous at first, and sad because I was alone and I couldn't understand how she could leave me and be with this guy. But now I am just growing, I know I am becoming a better man and I will get a better woman because of it. When I think about them now I just find it pathetic how she latched on to the first man that would have her and he is so blinded by her beauty and (relative) youth, that he will spend the last good years of his life with a girl who is a complete lunatic, a drunk, stupid and just generally messed up.
critter909 Posted June 18, 2008 Posted June 18, 2008 Well said V33. I think our situations are quite similar. My ex is an alcoholic too and no matter what he says that was the primary reason for our break up. He was seeing someone else immediately after we broke up. It has to be disfunctional, you can't forget your old life so quickly and all the needs of the alcoholic.... I too feel jealous and sad but I know it's just another symptom of his disease and I need to let it go. Let them be miserable together.
v33 Posted June 18, 2008 Posted June 18, 2008 Well said V33. I think our situations are quite similar. My ex is an alcoholic too and no matter what he says that was the primary reason for our break up. He was seeing someone else immediately after we broke up. It has to be disfunctional, you can't forget your old life so quickly and all the needs of the alcoholic.... I too feel jealous and sad but I know it's just another symptom of his disease and I need to let it go. Let them be miserable together. Hey Critter..... ya it's a real eye opener living with and loving an alcoholic for so many years. I can't imagine now why I stayed with her. It was so easy for her to move on though. Once she got tired of me trying to get her to stop drinking she made her emotional break and basically spent the the next 6 months drunk every night and away from the house. Of course she supposedly has cleaned up her act for the new guy, but it's just because he keeps her on a short leash. Eventually her sickness will return. Love doesn't cure addiction. I am somewhat disappointed that she couldn't go a few days sober with me and she will try for him but I know it is short lived.... and maybe she hasn't even gotten any better. Even without her disease she would still not be good for me. Stay strong! Our ex's lives aren't as good as they make them out to be. And at least we don't have addiction to deal with, nor do we have to worry about them anymore. I think in order for them to get better they have to leave and break the old pattern. I only hope that it was worth it, because my ex gave up a lot when she left. But she was so drunk maybe she won't even remember how much I cared for her.
critter909 Posted June 18, 2008 Posted June 18, 2008 I know his life can't be that good. It still stunns me though that he can just go and date someone else while I'm just trying to get through the day. I'm sure he's drunk every night...
foxh1234 Posted June 18, 2008 Posted June 18, 2008 I know his life can't be that good. It still stunns me though that he can just go and date someone else while I'm just trying to get through the day. I'm sure he's drunk every night... For sure our ex's lives are never as great as our minds make them out to be. My ex was also an alcoholic and she would never accept it or admit to it. She wasn't falling down drunk everyday but she drank everyday and almost all day. Coming to the realization that she was not the one for me has really made it easier to continue without her and knock her off that high pedestal I put her on. The other thing I find funny is how we look at online things like facebook to see how our ex's lives are. IMO facebook is not reality, it is a made up exciting life of pictures and cute little posts. It does not mean that our ex's lives are full of fun and parties. My ex will have a tough time of things for awhile, but it was her choice and she has to live with it.
kizik Posted June 18, 2008 Posted June 18, 2008 I wish my ex was as f*cked up as your guys'. In reality, she's "better" than me - has a career all put together, has a great support system in her family. Older than me too. If I could find the obvious faults in her, besides her insecurity and anger problems, it would be easier to get over her. I have a MySpace page, but it's a music page, and my blogs are never about personal issues. Rather, I write reviews about movies and sometimes music. Posting personal info on Facebook or MySpace is really immature, IMO.
v33 Posted June 18, 2008 Posted June 18, 2008 I am trying to be the bigger person and be happy for my ex. I know that she is happier without me, though for a time I did really make her feel wonderful and she did the same for me. We grew apart and fell into a rut. I can't blame her drinking entirely, but it was the thing that made me withdraw from her, bitter towards her and then act accordingly. That was the excuse she needed. She can never be wrong or at fault, she always has to be the victim, so my reaction to her alcoholism gave her something to blame her unhappiness on. She feels fully justified in leaving me, and having a new man who fawns over her, caters to her every whim, and doesn't dare to criticize her for fear of losing a young piece of ass is exactly what she thinks she wants now. Sometimes I wish I could see her fall further into her downward spiral, and other times I just want her to get well and be happy. I wish she would have made an effort for me but we had gotten so far into our routine that it never could have changed. So ya, my ex is messed up, but probably doing better or at least getting her needs met now. I am meeting my own needs but I miss the companionship, company and sex sometimes, what little there was of it. Sometimes I think she is doing better than me, but really all she does is work and hang out with the new guy. At least I am doing some self-development, getting in shape, meeting new people and trying new things. Still, I have my regrets but one day I will look back and realize that I am missing nothing in her. Anyways, Kizik, she is only "better" than you if that's what you make her in your mind. You can go after the things you want too. Find a career, if you care about that....or just focus on what matters to you. What would make you "better"? So she is older, so what? Means you have more time to get where you want to be. I need to remind myself that this isn't a competition. Looking at it that way really held me back. I mean, she is out of my life, so what diff does it make what she does or doesn't do. I won't know and it doesn't have an impact on where I am. And why should I be jealous of her new man? He has maybe 5 good years left in him. I can't imagine she will be too happy with the guy when he is 65. Hell, he probably needs Viagra just to do her. , if I find myself single at his age I hope I can get with a girl 20 years younger...but he only scored her because she was, and is, very vulnerable and obviously crazy. I don't know many 37 year old women that would go for a guy who is 58. Ok, lol, maybe she is a mess after all!
kizik Posted June 18, 2008 Posted June 18, 2008 V, you seem to grasping the reality of your situation and your ex very well. I think that's really healthy, and I'm proud of you for seeing things as they are and not taking them personally. I say that my ex is "better" in a somewhat ironic way. I don't really think she is, but I know that in some way she considers me a loser and not "worthy" or her. I treat people way better than she does, and ultimately, that's what matters. I will admit that I wish I had a full view of my career, as she does. But something I have going for me is my music. She loved my music. Maybe, still does. I doubt she's listened to it lately. Anyway, when you say I should focus on what matters to me, that's awesome advice, and I am. I've got some shows coming up. Gonna be fun. She missed out on having the musician boyfriend. I'm sure there are other women wouldn't mind the sensitive singer-songwriter type.
Author stlnsmile Posted June 18, 2008 Author Posted June 18, 2008 Okay, well it might be twisted, but this is the way I feel. I want my ex to be happy, truly I do, even if its not with me. But just not with "this girl". For a couple of reasons. She got with my ex after only 4 weeks of us being broken up, now she may not have known that, I have a feeling she did, which shows a huge lack of judgement. She wrote a mear 4 weeks later on her myspace to me "Oh just get over it already", and honestly, it again shows a lack of character....and a few other things I won't even say. She didn't even know at the time that I wasn't "over it" anyway? And now she drives by my house and stalks me basically....again, lack of character and lack of trust, maturity and a host of other things,...and for all my ex's bad qualities, and how much he hurt me, he deserves much much better. I don't care if he dates a thousand other women, I don't care if he falls in love and marries the very next one...just not this one. So twisted I know......but it is how I feel. I know I will find a really nice guy eventually. I will wait until I do. He got with her out of desperation and I know that. He does not like to be alone. I know he picked her out of desperation, not because she possessed all these qualities that he loved, like he did with me. He was with me, his first gf, because he liked who I was, and we had a ton of fun together, but he had never been hurt before. This one he picked because he was hurt...thus the over 20lb. weight loss. Just not her.
foxh1234 Posted June 18, 2008 Posted June 18, 2008 I wish my ex was as f*cked up as your guys'. In reality, she's "better" than me - has a career all put together, has a great support system in her family. Older than me too. If I could find the obvious faults in her, besides her insecurity and anger problems, it would be easier to get over her. I have a MySpace page, but it's a music page, and my blogs are never about personal issues. Rather, I write reviews about movies and sometimes music. Posting personal info on Facebook or MySpace is really immature, IMO. Let's get one thing straight, your ex is not better than you. Just because she already has a career does not make her better. I know alot of so called successful people who are completely screwed up and have no idea what they are doing. A job is just what we do, not what or who we are.
critter909 Posted June 18, 2008 Posted June 18, 2008 I don't wish anything negative to happen to my ex but it's hard for everyone to accept that they can go on fine without us. Even if it's a put-on. I'm not sure what's going on in his head but it hurts immensly that I love him so much and he is able to already have fun with someone else. My god, he didn't even wait a week. I knew eventually he would find someone but this soon??? After so much time together it's just very difficult to see.
CailinPig Posted June 18, 2008 Posted June 18, 2008 Well, my ex and I were together 2 and a half years and five days after we broke up, he kissed one of his friends and then they started going out together. They've been together less than three months, have already told each other they love each other, are planning on moving in together, have booked a holiday, even though she's been gone to greece for one entire month of their relationship so far!! holy crap! Having said that, for most of their short relatiosnhip so far, my ex has still had lingering feelings for me, and he's texted me today to tell me he doens't feel these anymore. so who knows, with rebounds.
Author stlnsmile Posted June 18, 2008 Author Posted June 18, 2008 Still, back to the original question, what is the course if you will of a rebound. For myself, I know if I had gotten into a relationship right afterwards, there would have been a time, sometime down the road, that I would have said, boy, this is too much work, and they have crap too, and I just went through a bunch of crap and I don't want to deal with anything else...I'm out:) Its too much emotional work to be with someone else. Now, I don't feel that way at all because I have delt with my feelings and myself. But if I had rebounded I know I would have hurt the guy. Because I know for a fact I had nothing to give number one, and number two, because relationships take a lot of work, and I just didn't have the emotional energy. But, if someone wants out of a relationship, and then rebounds...is it really a rebound? I mean people say this all the time...its a rebound. Well if it is, there will be a typical pattern I would think. Rush in....have fun...get real...get out? Just a thought. Keep writing, interesting thread:)
v33 Posted June 19, 2008 Posted June 19, 2008 The thing is, some rebounds work if the people were meant to be, and some turn out to just be a momentary distraction. The odds aren't good of someone choosing the right partner if they just jump into something, but you never know. Maybe they weren't the type of person that demands that a relationship they are in is "high quality" and they just enjoy the honeymoon phase and grow to like the new person enough to accept them. Or they discover that it wasn't meant to be and the rebound turns out to be just that, a distraction. The point is, in 99% of the cases the ex is NOT going to come back, and if it doesn't work out with the rebound it is going to work out with the next one, or the next one. Except in cases of abuse or some such our exes left us to fulfill THEIR needs. It has little, if nothing, to do with us. What they want changed, or they got bored, or who knows. So we can obsess over why they did it, weather it will work out with the new person or not, etc, etc. You can do this as long as you want. But they aren't going to come back, rebound or not. And you are going to meet someone, someday, that will make you wonder why you spent ANY time wishing your ex would come back to you. Work on yourself. Become the best person you can be. And then you will attract a higher quality partner.
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