justaguy2380 Posted June 17, 2008 Posted June 17, 2008 about 6 years ago i met a woman. i was with her for 5 years i was engaged to her. i loved her and still do. we split up about a year ago. we tried to be friends but i couldnt because i was hurt way too much. so i ended contact with her. i was in my ruts as yall call it for awhile. well i got to the point where i wouldnt think about her every waking second. we had no contact for about 6 monthes. after them 6 monthes she sent me a text out of the blue. and i was a dumbass and started talking to her again. she has told me how much shes missed me. that she doesnt have that natural feeling with anyone else like she had with me. well we agreed to talk on a friends basis. and start over as friends. we werent going to rush into anything. also we agreed that we had a lot to prove to one another. well we finally got together on a date and we ended up having sex. well things were okay than for awhile. communication was good. we both were becoming very open again towards another. well one night she said she needed me and that she couldnt imagine me being with another person. well i caved in and said ya know what i need you too. which i meant. ever since than our communication hasnt been like it was leading up to that. its like shes distant now. i am not talking about feelings but our communication was lacking as a whole. so after a week of that, i questioned her. and she gave me a lame excuse like she was busy with work and several weddings she attended. i believe that even when someone is busy ya can still communicate well regardless how long or short of time you have. well after that stint. she opened up again and started talking nice things like how she wished i was there holding her. or how much she missed me some more. missed being around me and blah blah blah. she also went the distance and said she wanted to have a baby with me sometime in the future. well after that conversation she became distant again. this time for a longer time. well i let it go and thought it was a phase. well, as that phase went on i decided i am gonna ask. and her answer was i think too much. and shes annoyed because i brought it up. see i feel like i am on a roller coaster. one minute we are great the next minute distant. i love this woman. but i dont know what to do because i cant go on like this but at the same time i dont wanna be without her. we aint even together and i feel this way. any helpful advice would be greatly appreciated. thanks and sorry for being so long
carhill Posted June 17, 2008 Posted June 17, 2008 My bet is she's damaged emotionally. Just jumbled up. Likely she doesn't even realize what she's doing, both to herself and to you. If she's young, and you got together in your teens, she might be ambivalent and not mature enough to know how to express her desire for variety with others. In any event, I'd shut her down quickly. Otherwise, she'll eat you up and leave you holding your entrails. Not a pleasant thought...
badbrit Posted June 17, 2008 Posted June 17, 2008 Do NOT demand honesty as that always blows up. You have a choice here - cut or work on it. If you want to work on it you need to do things that do not seem or feel natural and that is hard for most people to do. You need to be less available yourself, never ask her how she feels, create uncertainty and make her wonder if SHE still has YOU, make her fear loss, take it easy, when she pulls back you need to pull back further, do not let her get her instant gratification by saying stuff and drawing you in for her to then pull away. See the pattern? She will make pull away and test you to see how needy you are, she will muck you about then to prove the power she has over you she will say or do something nice and you do not hold her to account for the bad behaviour. She will make sure you do not stray too far away through pulling you back close then push you away again and then repeat the cycle. Where is her incentive to stop? She dumped you I am guessing, you were clear on your pain of it, she then contacted you out of blue and you jumped, now she is stil dictating how it unfolds. She has you on a string and it is up to you to change it through manning up and learning some things about human nature and how to gain respect and attraction and increase your own value to her. Of course your other choice is to follow traditional advice - relationships should not be like this, ask her what is wrong, sit her down, discuss it, tell her how you feel etc etc but go find the thread on this forum, and there are thousands of them, which had someone do that successfully and I will advice you to do it. Trust me, that advice is bandied out all over the place but there is no evidence of it working. There is evidence of it failing though and then you get the usual, "she was not worth it.....at least you know where you stand.....she not worth it etc etc" but look between the lines :- Those that have had ANY success, exes calling, reconcilliation, second chances, exes hanging out, texting, saying they miss them etc ALWAYS comes when the dumped party is walking away, dating someone else, not available, given up, moved on, time passed with NC etc Those that do NOT get success are friends, calling, begging, asking, pushing too hard, getting a chance but rushing, being needy etc. It is the same when getting a second chance. If being cool with things (NC, moving on, not appearing bothered either way anymore, living your own life) get you to a sniff of reconcilliation then it is proven to work, why then go to proven failing behavior when you hit a bump in the road. Use and modify the ethos that got you close and adapt it but sticking true to the message it sent out - THAT YOU WILL BE FINE WITH OR WITHOUT THEM AND ARE HAPPY IN YOURSELF AND DO NOT NEED THEM TO COMPLETE YOU
dead-dyke Posted June 18, 2008 Posted June 18, 2008 Nice advice, badbrit - I wonder if the same applies for a marriage separation. I would imagine the same theories would apply - Dynamics seem to be the same. Nice one though.
badbrit Posted June 18, 2008 Posted June 18, 2008 Human nature is human nature, marriage or not. You do not become a different person when you whisper the words, "I DO", your feelings, emotions, reactions, desires, wants etc are all the same. Why would it not be the same just because you are married? There is no difference because it is all about basic human nature
Author justaguy2380 Posted June 18, 2008 Author Posted June 18, 2008 thank you for the advice i do appreciate it. you know when we broke up, it hurt like hell. than i did the non contact thing and i started healing over time. well she started texting me again and yeah i did jump. however even though she pulled away, it still hurt like hell but nothing like the first time. i believe i have manned up in the aspect that i can handle adversity for starters. i just dont like be convient for someone regardless if its a fiancee or a a friend. after i read some of the advice on here and slept on it i woke up a little relieved. i am not a quitter and i never was but your right badbrit. it is about human nature. i am gonna make myself less avaliable instead of waiting on her. i gotta live life. thanks a lot
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