Kamille Posted June 17, 2008 Posted June 17, 2008 I have been thinking about a pattern in my life: I tend to fall for guys who really chase me, are really into me, where both he and I will fall really fast for each other. And usually those relationships mean one of two things: either I get dumped within a month, left high and dry or, when the relationships lasts, that I start showing co-dependant patterns because I then have a hard time asserting my own boundaries and finding/keeping my own balance. Two questions: why do I do this? what can I do to stop doing it?
xpaperxcutx Posted June 17, 2008 Posted June 17, 2008 I suppose we could set standards for ourselves? Usually being dependent reflects how we were raised. I know I used to have to spend my days alone because my mother works all the time, and I was from a single family, so I lacked a father figure. So now I fall for guys that even show a bit of remote interest, and I wait on my hands and feet to accompany their needs. So sick of being used.
carhill Posted June 17, 2008 Posted June 17, 2008 Two questions: why do I do this? what can I do to stop doing it? Sounds like you define a significant portion of your personal space by how you feel in relationships, so you invest a lot of yourself in them. Personally, I think that ability and desire is a gift. It means you have the capacity to love deeply and long-term. It also means that, sometimes, that energy and love will be mis-directed. The cool thing is that you never lose it. It's within you. All you have to do is re-direct it. Kinda like aiming the garden hose in another direction to water different part of the lawn How to "stop" it?.... Well, I think it starts at the beginning. Being loving and being mindful of your boundaries doesn't have to be mutually exclusive. With the right man, those boundaries won't be a wall to climb, rather a low fence you can mutually embrace. That's the trick, IMO. Taking the risk that the man is the "right" one who will support you, respect your boundaries and still challenge you. It's a really cool place to be when you find it. Now, if I can just take my own advice
Author Kamille Posted June 17, 2008 Author Posted June 17, 2008 Nope, no new guy, just multiple little crushes. I am just getting ready for the next guy . I suppose we could set standards for ourselves? Usually being dependent reflects how we were raised. I know I used to have to spend my days alone because my mother works all the time, and I was from a single family, so I lacked a father figure. So now I fall for guys that even show a bit of remote interest, and I wait on my hands and feet to accompany their needs. So sick of being used. Perhaps I should revise my standards. I dated a series of guys who couldn't handle the fact that I was really passionate about my career. I used to feel like I needed to make up for it by being the caregiver in the relationship. And of course, those relationships were draining. That made me decide to only date guys who weren't intimidated by my success. Since then, I have fallen in love with two really strong guys, who actually toppled me over. I need to find a balance. My mother is very co-dependant. She doesn't understand the concept of boundaries, so I think this plays a part on how I navigate boundaries in relationships.
Author Kamille Posted June 17, 2008 Author Posted June 17, 2008 How to "stop" it?.... Well, I think it starts at the beginning. Being loving and being mindful of your boundaries doesn't have to be mutually exclusive. With the right man, those boundaries won't be a wall to climb, rather a low fence you can mutually embrace. That's the trick, IMO. Taking the risk that the man is the "right" one who will support you, respect your boundaries and still challenge you. It's a really cool place to be when you find it. Wow that would be my dream relationship. I guess I'm wondering what work I can do on my side to help it along.
dreamergrl Posted June 17, 2008 Posted June 17, 2008 Weren't you with someone?? Man I'm out of the loop! I used to follow the same pattern, well at least falling really fast and I've been there with the co dependency too. I started looking for the opposite, but it was well off into a completely other extreme. It just took some time, and now I have a better idea of what to look for. It was a learning process. I decided once and for all what I was willing to deal with, and what I was not willing to deal with, and went from there.
Author Kamille Posted June 17, 2008 Author Posted June 17, 2008 Weren't you with someone?? Man I'm out of the loop! We broke up two months ago exactly today... !!!! (Just realized today is the 17th!) I guess you couldn't catch up because the whole break-up fell prey to the "catastrophic loss of posts". I could go into details, but the most important part is that I feel fine now, and like I said, am starting to have a million little crushes on different guys. This whole thread is a reflection on what happened in that last relationship. Other guys were showing interests when ex and I got together, but ex moved faster, and made it possible for me to fall really fast without much fear. Except it all backfired because I felt suffocated and lost myself in the relationship because I didn't know how to assert my boundaries. This weekend I saw one of the other guys who was showing interests at the time. He was just moving way slower then my ex. I wonder why I seem to fall for early investors?
dreamergrl Posted June 17, 2008 Posted June 17, 2008 We broke up two months ago exactly today... !!!! (Just realized today is the 17th!) I guess you couldn't catch up because the whole break-up fell prey to the "catastrophic loss of posts". I could go into details, but the most important part is that I feel fine now, and like I said, am starting to have a million little crushes on different guys. This whole thread is a reflection on what happened in that last relationship. Other guys were showing interests when ex and I got together, but ex moved faster, and made it possible for me to fall really fast without much fear. Except it all backfired because I felt suffocated and lost myself in the relationship because I didn't know how to assert my boundaries. This weekend I saw one of the other guys who was showing interests at the time. He was just moving way slower then my ex. I wonder why I seem to fall for early investors? Aww I'm glad your doing good with all of it Kamille! This may sound dumb dumb dumb, but I found that I fear being alone I as get older, and I search harder for a relationship. Wanting that in my life, I didn't always use sound judgment, or just let things happen super fast because I was getting something I was looking for. I couldn't always see the negative areas, and I just wanted it to work.
marlena Posted June 17, 2008 Posted June 17, 2008 He was just moving way slower then my ex. I wonder why I seem to fall for early investors? Slow does not equal sweeping a woman off her feet. Fast love is intense love. Hard to resist.
melodymatters Posted June 17, 2008 Posted June 17, 2008 Great post Kamille ! You are singing my song too sister ! I could have wriiten your post. So, yeah, It makes sense to go for the guys who are REALLY into us. Better than chasing a man who feels just lukewarm. But, I think thats the way it's SUPPOSED to work : You are creating such magic together that you want to spend more and more time together. That you are so in tune with each other, that your feelings really DO develop at a quicker pace. I don't know how to do it any other way. I just need one to " stick" lol ! My mother always says I'm "going too fast". My reply is that I'd rather go " too fast" and find out what the problems are going to be EARLY, after 6 weeks, not 6 months or years ! My aunt " carefully" and slowly dated a man for over a year and a half. THEN she found out he was a compulsive liar, cheater and secret alcoholic. Personally I would have rather sussed that out in the first month or two ! So, there are SOME advantages !
dreamergrl Posted June 17, 2008 Posted June 17, 2008 Great post Kamille ! You are singing my song too sister ! I could have wriiten your post. So, yeah, It makes sense to go for the guys who are REALLY into us. Better than chasing a man who feels just lukewarm. But, I think thats the way it's SUPPOSED to work : You are creating such magic together that you want to spend more and more time together. That you are so in tune with each other, that your feelings really DO develop at a quicker pace. I don't know how to do it any other way. I just need one to " stick" lol ! My mother always says I'm "going too fast". My reply is that I'd rather go " too fast" and find out what the problems are going to be EARLY, after 6 weeks, not 6 months or years ! My aunt " carefully" and slowly dated a man for over a year and a half. THEN she found out he was a compulsive liar, cheater and secret alcoholic. Personally I would have rather sussed that out in the first month or two ! So, there are SOME advantages ! Great add! I can definitely relate to this.
Trialbyfire Posted June 17, 2008 Posted June 17, 2008 The triple-E guys can be hard to resist since their interest level appears to be high and intense. But... How real or concrete are short-term emotions? You cannot fall in love in such a short span of time.
marlena Posted June 17, 2008 Posted June 17, 2008 You cannot fall in love in such a short span of time. You can fall in love with the very first touch...the very first kiss.
Trialbyfire Posted June 17, 2008 Posted June 17, 2008 You can fall in love with the very first touch...the very first kiss. You can become infatuated on sight too but that's about it. How can you fall in love with someone you don't even know?
marlena Posted June 17, 2008 Posted June 17, 2008 Falling in love is a feeling not a rationalization.
melodymatters Posted June 17, 2008 Posted June 17, 2008 The triple-E guys can be hard to resist since their interest level appears to be high and intense. But... How real or concrete are short-term emotions? You cannot fall in love in such a short span of time. Please explain triple E guys ?
blind_otter Posted June 17, 2008 Posted June 17, 2008 I have been pondering this issue heavily for the last week or so, K. My bestfriend has fallen hard and fast for a boyfriend from 13 years ago, to the point where within a week they are saying "I love you" and are planning on moving in together in August!!!! So for the past 5 days or so I've actually been thinking about why there are certain women out there who fall very hard, very fast, and tend to also have issues establishing healthy boundaries in their relationships. IME "playing it cool" serves a purpose - you get a cushion. I think everyone WANTS to go full steam ahead in any new relationship, but that simply does not serve any good purpose - it just leads us to making committments based on incomplete knowledge. Then you're stuck trying to accept faults that you never wanted any part of in the first place, but by that time you're so emotionally entrenched in the R that you can't justify walking away. I think the primary issue is definitely the establishment and maintenence of proper boundaries. I think many of us grew up with this twisted idea that real love equals enmeshment, when this couldn't be further from the truth. When you totally mesh yourself with someone else, you tend to lose at least part of your own identity. But part of me firmly believes that this is also related to being a romantic - the whole "in love with being in love" thing.
Trialbyfire Posted June 17, 2008 Posted June 17, 2008 Please explain triple E guys ? Early Emotional Ejaculators!
blind_otter Posted June 17, 2008 Posted June 17, 2008 You can fall in love with the very first touch...the very first kiss. I disagree. I think you can lust for someone, sure. Maybe fall in love with some idea of who this person is that exists solely inside your own head. But real love - deep, enduring, real love - is something that can only happen over time. You cannot be in love with someone you just met! What's there to love? You have no idea who that person is!
melodymatters Posted June 17, 2008 Posted June 17, 2008 . IME "playing it cool" serves a purpose - you get a cushion. I think everyone WANTS to go full steam ahead in any new relationship, but that simply does not serve any good purpose - it just leads us to making committments based on incomplete knowledge. Then you're stuck trying to accept faults that you never wanted any part of in the first place, but by that time you're so emotionally entrenched in the R that you can't justify walking away. . Ok, but I can "play it cool" any day of the week. I can set a schedule to only see them 2 days a week. But at the end of the day, I am still FEELING what I am feeling, and I WILL be thinking of that person, and " investing" in them, whether we act like Fonzi and see each other only every other thursday or not !
Author Kamille Posted June 17, 2008 Author Posted June 17, 2008 I think the primary issue is definitely the establishment and maintenence of proper boundaries. I think many of us grew up with this twisted idea that real love equals enmeshment, when this couldn't be further from the truth. When you totally mesh yourself with someone else, you tend to lose at least part of your own identity. Yeah, that is what I am getting from this discussion. I need to work on why I have a hard time establishing and maintaining proper boundaries. Perhaps there is nothing wrong with falling fast, but in my case I think it can be a problem because I struggle to establish proper boundaries. So, how do I work on that?
blind_otter Posted June 17, 2008 Posted June 17, 2008 Ok, but I can "play it cool" any day of the week. I can set a schedule to only see them 2 days a week. But at the end of the day, I am still FEELING what I am feeling, and I WILL be thinking of that person, and " investing" in them, whether we act like Fonzi and see each other only every other thursday or not ! I guess the trick is to grab a hold of your emotions as if they are the horses and you are driving the chariot. Sure, they provide the locomotion, but ultimately you have to be the one in control of what direction they are going in, or you could end up upside down in a ditch on the side of the road of life.
carhill Posted June 17, 2008 Posted June 17, 2008 There is a risk when one intellectually fiddles with emotional continuity and connection, that being one's own psyche and that of their partner can get out of sync and a sort of parallelism takes place, rather than an emerging symbiosis. IMO, this is the downside of thinking too much in relationships. I know this because I tend to think too much about everything Wow that would be my dream relationship. I guess I'm wondering what work I can do on my side to help it along. IMO, the single most important factor is having compatible psyches. A common psychological ground where one can relate almost instinctively to one's partner and know/believe their truth is shared. My wife and I experience the same feelings/dynamics/situations so differently mainly because we had/have vastly disparate family dynamics and socializations. Neither is "right" or "wrong", but the disparate perspectives are an issue our psychologist touches upon often. We can't change how life has shaped us at the basic psychological level, but we can cognitively alter behaviors and better communicate our differences so as to understand and respect them in each other. As I get to our marriage in my journals, I'll provide concrete examples of this. Understanding this dynamic has truly been my most satisfying work.
marlena Posted June 17, 2008 Posted June 17, 2008 I disagree. I think you can lust for someone, sure. Maybe fall in love with some idea of who this person is that exists solely inside your own head. But real love - deep, enduring, real love - is something that can only happen over time. You cannot be in love with someone you just met! What's there to love? You have no idea who that person is! I am talking about falling in love and not the kind of love that comes with bonding over the years. You can fall in love in an instant - one caress, a smile, a touch - can unleish an insatiable desire for another. If you are very fortunate, this feeling of being in love will, in time, mature into the love you speak of - deep,enduring,real - or it will eventually lose its fire and die. Either way, the gift of love is a rare and precious gift.
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