LikeCharlotte Posted June 17, 2008 Posted June 17, 2008 I've never told my whole story here. I'd like to but I just can't bring myself to talk much about anything before the break up. It should suffice to say that I loved someone, it was a very good thing but something went wrong somewhere. I'll never really understand. He didn't feel like I did I suppose. It ended with him not being able to work on it with me. I was a wreck at first but the minute it was over I accepted it and let myself feel terrible. Week one: I was a crying mess living in a mountain of tissues. I resolved everything I could about what had happened in my head and I came to some very solid conclusions. My friends reminded me that I should not ever go back should he change his mind and I agreed. A guy tried to kiss me and it made me literally nauseous. I felt empty and miserable. I'd learned from experience to face my grief head on. I accepted the loss and felt the pain being as honest with myself as I could. Week two: I was angry at him because he ran off but decided that I would be comfortable making a friend of him. My friends asked if we had spoken and were surprised that I didn't want him back. I kept hearing "Don't call him" even though I had no interest in getting back with him and would only contact him to keep the door open for friendship. No one understood or believed what I said. It was incredibly frustrating. I wrote in a journal to work through my own feelings. Week three: I was very busy with school and was spending time with a male friend. We were both finishing projects and finals. My friends kept asking me if "something" was "going on". I said no but no one believed me. I was not ready to start something new yet and he is just a friend. I felt alone and sad every day. I called my friends and had a small gathering at my place. I had a few dreams with him in them. I cried after a particularly happy and real one. I tried to bridge the strange gap and open up communication with the ex. He was totally incapable of trying friendship (although he kept telling me that we were friends?!?) or being honest about how or what he was feeling. He asked me for less contact not no contact but he described no contact. I was intentionally left out of things being done with mutual friends. I felt like he didn't value me as a person unless I was f***ing him. I got hurt in a different way and it was much worse. I did even more journaling and I joined LS. Week 4: I started to feel like I was ready to attempt to date and I spent some time pursuing some interests. I finished up my school work. I hoped that he was hurting and healing and would eventually want to be a friend. I was going on what he had said to me. I wasn't sleeping at all. I worked very hard to resolve what he said to me and tried to feel less angry. I was writing in every spare moment. My friends once again didn't believe me when I told them that I was confused about how to treat him in the future because we were bound to see each other and I honestly liked him. I was hoping for the best. They assumed I wanted him back. You couldn't have paid me to go back at that point! I'm glad I had LS! Week 5: I finished school in a fog. I have no idea how I ever made it. I wasn't sleeping. I met with a couple more guys I thought I would like but I felt nothing. I sent him a message to let him know I had finished school. He didn't respond at all. I knew that he really didn't want less contact or friendship. He didn't care at all. I got angry and hurt all over again. Why couldn't he just tell me what he was feeling or thinking straight forwardly? Why did I have to figure it out? I cycled through the reasons he might not respond. I worried that I was out of line letting him know I'd finished. I realized that he was saving face by pretending that we would be friends. I decided to delete him in every way. Most of my friends began to hate him for not sparing me a kind word so I couldn't talk to them at all. Week 6: I was still hurt that he never simply said "congrats". I just couldn't get passed it! Then I became mostly numb. I forgot about him for the most part. I felt strange for being numb but I was relieved to have a break from feeling badly. I made some new friends. I still wasn't sleeping. I spent some time with a great guy. I worried that I wasn't interested in other guys because I might not be over it even though I thought I was. I journaled more. I cried once because I remembered some of the nice things. I had completely forgotten some things that I said to him all the time and I worried that I would forget him completely. I have a history with PTSD and I do forget and block things out. I fight that if I can. My friends seemed annoyed that I would want to talk about good things so I wouldn't forget. They began to criticize me for "journaling" and being online. Again, I'm glad I had LS. Week 7: I struggled to get my sleep back but I couldn't. I was still mostly numb. I was no longer angry. I was totally resolved. I contacted him to see if he had changed his mind or thought anymore about attempting to be friends. I wanted to ask him if he was ok with seeing me at events and gatherings. I thought I would extend an offer of negotiable space until he felt healed or better. This way we wouldn't have to make the friends do all the negotiation. I never got to ask. He apologized for not congratulating me but he was off like a rabbit before I could ask. He was very defensive and guarded. I really just wanted to have some sort of resolution so I didn't have to worry about mutual friend events. It was clear that I was still sometimes being left out. To their credit they were trying. It seemed like it must be such a hassle for them. He was an absolute iceberg. I concluded that all my origional resolutions were still true and that I'd learned nothing from the experience except that I was still capable of love. I was finally through with all of it. He's an idiot for treating me so awfully and he loses. The end. I met a really fun person and I had a great time. No sleep was a good thing for a few days. Unfortunately there is no reasonable way to pursue that particular man since there is a big ocean in the way. C'est la vive! I resolved that I was ready to meet someone else. I was not just rejecting people because of him. Enjoying another guys company made me notice that I was free of all the weight and sadness! My friends think I must be hiding all my tears and that me really liking the guy I met is just a facade. The mutual friends don't say it but hey look at me like I've lost a puppy. I've been telling them that I am fine. I wonder when they will see it. Ha! Week 8 & 9: I wrote an incredibly long reply to mollers post and then made it into this thread. Other people do try to make me feel bad that I'm coping. (in response to mollers thread) In general people I love really don't understand my emotional side because I rarely show it. I don't have responses that people expect. I don't mind much because it has always been this way for me. I couldn't be more grateful for LS. Without LS I would have had no where to turn. I just have one lingering problem... I'm still not sleeping.
Nevermind Posted June 17, 2008 Posted June 17, 2008 Great post, Charlotte. Thank you for sharing. Have you tried to exercise before going to bed?
Author LikeCharlotte Posted June 17, 2008 Author Posted June 17, 2008 Great post, Charlotte. Thank you for sharing. Have you tried to exercise before going to bed? I've tried everything from exercise to pills. I just sleep whenever it happens.
mollers Posted June 17, 2008 Posted June 17, 2008 Reading in bed really helps me; nothing too deep, just some good escapism, it takes me off to another place and makes me tired.
Author LikeCharlotte Posted June 17, 2008 Author Posted June 17, 2008 Reading in bed really helps me; nothing too deep, just some good escapism, it takes me off to another place and makes me tired.I think I read too much. It doesn't make me tired anymore.
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