MalachiX Posted June 17, 2008 Posted June 17, 2008 After the failure of my last relationship and a lot of soul searching, I decided that I really wanted to try to be a better person. I wanted to be less self-centered, treat people the way they deserve to be treated, and try to genuinely be the "nice guy" I used to think I was. This wasn't for any atruistic reasons, I'm not trying to be a saint, I just want to stop feeling guilty about my interactions with others and know that, if I die tomorrow, I really did my best to be a good guy. I also realize I'm not ready for a serious relationship for quite a while yet, right now, I'm 24 years old, have been with a surprisingly sad number of women, and frankly need sex. Over the last few months, I've tended to sabotage any chance I had at casual sex. The first few encounters, I essentially panicked and blew it because I started thinking of all the things that scared me about relationships. Now that I'm a bit more mature, I find I miss opportunities because I'm going out of my way not to end up in bed with someone who'll resent me or that I'll regret sleeping with. No one who seems too vunerable. No one who'd I'd be embarassed to admit I hooked up with. No one who's drunk off their butts. Now, I think the rules above are good ones, but it occurs to me I may be simply getting to the point where I'm finding excuses to avoid taking the plunge and really putting myself out there. I'm seeing recent situations where I turn tail and run under the pretense of, "she'd never want just a casual relationship and I'd only be leading her into one even if I said it would just be that from the beginning" (note, this happened before to me). I guess what I want to know is that am I being TOO sensitive to the possibility of hurting someone. Is a purely casual relationship possible for women. I've heard such mixed things from my female friends. Half say unequivicably "no" and the other half "yes." Which is it? To put things simply, I'm really not a nice guy. I seem like one because I'm speak well and have a sweet face but I've always been a very self-absorbed and self-centered individual. The point is that I'm trying REAL HARD to be a nice guy these days. Can I be a nice guy and get laid? Is my caution sincere or am I just finding ways to avoid taking any risks?
Javelin Posted June 17, 2008 Posted June 17, 2008 Wow, you really are self-absorbed, aren't you? I've never seen so many, "I" in a post before... I'm really not a nice guy. Then stop trying to act like one and you'll be able to have meaningless sex.
blind_otter Posted June 17, 2008 Posted June 17, 2008 Is a purely casual relationship possible for women. I've heard such mixed things from my female friends. Half say unequivicably "no" and the other half "yes." Which is it? You're going to get vastly different answers from different women because each has their own opinion/experience on the subject. IME it is entirely possible to have a purely casual sexual relationship - but you have to be up front about it, above board, and have some hard and fast rules in place to make this happen. Above all, you have to realize that there isn't an answer to this question for "all women". Some women are capable of compartmentalizing sexuality and emotions; others are not. Can I be a nice guy and get laid? Is my caution sincere or am I just finding ways to avoid taking any risks? Of course anyone can get laid. The thing is, in this day and age, caution is not only normal - it's necessary.
marlena Posted June 17, 2008 Posted June 17, 2008 Of course, it is! As long as both partners know the rules, it can also be good fun not to mention therapeutic at times!
BrooklynBridge Posted June 17, 2008 Posted June 17, 2008 Yes it is totally possible. There is an art to getting into this type of situation. The way I've done with all the girls that were strictly ***** buddies of mine in the past was a simple process. It should go without saying that you both must be very attracted to each other. Date 1: Impress the hell out of her! Be that awesome nice, do everything in your power to not want to sleep with her, make it clear that those are not your intentions. No more than making out at the end of the date. Oh and at least 3 drinks each! Date 2: Be much more elusive, you have to make it so that she will want to pursue you. Be distant, reserved, etc. Show no interest in sex. Drink more! Date 3: You should be able to close her at this point. But make it seem as if you really don't want to sleep with her that much, even though you do, make it so that she is the one that urges you to go home with her. Have sex. Again, alcohol helps facilitate this easily. From here on in, do not go out in public with her again. Always meet at your or her place. Always! Order food in, watch TV, do not go out on anymore dates, ergo you'll find yourself having sex whenever you see each other. Obviously this is totally simplistic description, but this is how I worked it when I wanted that type of situation............
Author MalachiX Posted June 17, 2008 Author Posted June 17, 2008 Yes it is totally possible. There is an art to getting into this type of situation. The way I've done with all the girls that were strictly ***** buddies of mine in the past was a simple process. It should go without saying that you both must be very attracted to each other. Date 1: Impress the hell out of her! Be that awesome nice, do everything in your power to not want to sleep with her, make it clear that those are not your intentions. No more than making out at the end of the date. Oh and at least 3 drinks each! Date 2: Be much more elusive, you have to make it so that she will want to pursue you. Be distant, reserved, etc. Show no interest in sex. Drink more! Date 3: You should be able to close her at this point. But make it seem as if you really don't want to sleep with her that much, even though you do, make it so that she is the one that urges you to go home with her. Have sex. Again, alcohol helps facilitate this easily. Sounds a tad manipulative. How's the physcology work here?
Trialbyfire Posted June 17, 2008 Posted June 17, 2008 Sounds a tad manipulative. How's the physcology work here? If I recall his thread, he makes them fall in love with him, need him in their lives, then he walks away.
dreamergrl Posted June 17, 2008 Posted June 17, 2008 Yes it is totally possible. There is an art to getting into this type of situation. The way I've done with all the girls that were strictly ***** buddies of mine in the past was a simple process. It should go without saying that you both must be very attracted to each other. Date 1: Impress the hell out of her! Be that awesome nice, do everything in your power to not want to sleep with her, make it clear that those are not your intentions. No more than making out at the end of the date. Oh and at least 3 drinks each! Date 2: Be much more elusive, you have to make it so that she will want to pursue you. Be distant, reserved, etc. Show no interest in sex. Drink more! Date 3: You should be able to close her at this point. But make it seem as if you really don't want to sleep with her that much, even though you do, make it so that she is the one that urges you to go home with her. Have sex. Again, alcohol helps facilitate this easily. From here on in, do not go out in public with her again. Always meet at your or her place. Always! Order food in, watch TV, do not go out on anymore dates, ergo you'll find yourself having sex whenever you see each other. Obviously this is totally simplistic description, but this is how I worked it when I wanted that type of situation............ And who's to say that this wont result in someone getting hurt??? The best bet is to make sure the person your having casual sex with is on the same page, not luring them into having casual sex. Some women aren't wired to be okay with casual sex, and if they don't realize that's all that it is, they are going to be much MORE hurt by this.
BrooklynBridge Posted June 17, 2008 Posted June 17, 2008 If I recall his thread, he makes them fall in love with him, need him in their lives, then he walks away. Spot on! I don't pursue women for casual sex, and I've only had 2 situations in my adult life where I had casual sex partners, and believe me, it took a while for both situations to materialize. All I am saying above is that if you want to will something like that to happen, you need plan it and stick to it. And yes, it completely manipulative, but if the girl is on board for casual sex too, then you're golden. Oh, also, I've been seeing a great woman, and she's crazy about me!! lol.
Trialbyfire Posted June 17, 2008 Posted June 17, 2008 Spot on! I don't pursue women for casual sex, and I've only had 2 situations in my adult life where I had casual sex partners, and believe me, it took a while for both situations to materialize. All I am saying above is that if you want to will something like that to happen, you need plan it and stick to it. And yes, it completely manipulative, but if the girl is on board for casual sex too, then you're golden. Oh, also, I've been seeing a great woman, and she's crazy about me!! lol. Hmmm...this is pretty much what everyone said on your thread, that you create your own problems. You lead women on, break hearts, then walk away, unhappy that they love you. Pretty merciless and cruel.
BrooklynBridge Posted June 17, 2008 Posted June 17, 2008 Sounds a tad manipulative. How's the physcology work here? I think the way it works is like this: If the core foundation of your "relationship" for a lack of better words is based initially on sex, then sex will define your interaction. It will be the essence of the time you spend together. Furthermore, because the relationship will be primarily based on having sex together, the emotional bonds and attachments will never really materialize, AGAIN provided you cease going out in public together once you start having sex. Meaning: whenever you are together, you should be having sex, just finished having sex, and eating/drinking in order to have more sex. Them moment you go out for dinner and dates and the like, then you're not having sex and that's when emotional attachment can creep up and then people get hurt.
Cherry Blossom 35 Posted June 17, 2008 Posted June 17, 2008 I think the way it works is like this: If the core foundation of your "relationship" for a lack of better words is based initially on sex, then sex will define your interaction. It will be the essence of the time you spend together. Furthermore, because the relationship will be primarily based on having sex together, the emotional bonds and attachments will never really materialize, AGAIN provided you cease going out in public together once you start having sex. Meaning: whenever you are together, you should be having sex, just finished having sex, and eating/drinking in order to have more sex. Them moment you go out for dinner and dates and the like, then you're not having sex and that's when emotional attachment can creep up and then people get hurt. This just sounds pathetic and sad.
BrooklynBridge Posted June 17, 2008 Posted June 17, 2008 This just sounds pathetic and sad. Agreed, but if a person wants consistent casual sex with the same person - without feelings developing resulting in hurt in the end - how else is it supposed to work???
Cherry Blossom 35 Posted June 17, 2008 Posted June 17, 2008 Agreed, but if a person wants consistent casual sex with the same person - without feelings developing resulting in hurt in the end - how else is it supposed to work??? I guess this is why I don't do f*** buddy relationships! I have seen this happen many times, and it seems as though someone (usually the female) tends to develop feelings eventually. You have sex, you eat chinese, you laugh at some stupid program on tv, you start looking forward to these occasions, and wham you're feeling hooked.
Trialbyfire Posted June 17, 2008 Posted June 17, 2008 BB, you're being unnecessarily cruel and selfish. There are enough women out there who can compartmentalize sex and emotion. Why not be upfront and the ones who can, will be your best bet? This will ensure that everyone is happy in the long run.
grogster Posted June 17, 2008 Posted June 17, 2008 Your question is not whether pain-free casual sex is possible (of course it is). Rather, you're fishing for input from female LS members regarding whether casual sex with you is a desirable thing (that's more debatable). Good luck.
Jilly Bean Posted June 17, 2008 Posted June 17, 2008 I can only speak for myself, and my answer is that I have never had a sex only arrangement in which I didn't develop feelings for the guy. Even if it started out like that, my emotions ALWAYS became engaged. But, perhaps there are women who can handle this kind of thing. I think they are in the minority, though...
refurb Posted June 17, 2008 Posted June 17, 2008 Read some of the other threads on this site. You'll quickly learn that casual sex comes with the risk of hurting the other person. Sometimes it works out, but often it doesn't. A lot of people think they can handle it, and many can, at least initially. But often feelings change. That's when people get hurt. Personally, I think it comes more naturally to guys, but there are girls out there who can handle it. RF
Author MalachiX Posted June 18, 2008 Author Posted June 18, 2008 Perhaps you're not as self-absorbed as you think? I'd love to think so but I find I tend to treat others a lot better if I assume my worst fears about myself and then take steps to try limit the effect they have on others than if I assume I'm a good person and end up screwing people over (this isn't just in dating of course). Your question is not whether pain-free casual sex is possible (of course it is). Rather, you're fishing for input from female LS members regarding whether casual sex with you is a desirable thing (that's more debatable). Not entirely sure I follow. Are you saying I'm trying to hook up with LS members (not quite sure how that's possible since we have no idea who anyone else is) or are you saying I'm trying to figure out if I'm the type of guy who can have casual sex or if women would want for casual sex?
johan Posted June 18, 2008 Posted June 18, 2008 I think it's possable, as long as you're somewhat gentle and you do it on a stable surface. If you get too rambunctious or end up tipping over, then yeah, someone will probably get hurt.
CandyGirlXO Posted June 18, 2008 Posted June 18, 2008 YES, as long as both the parties know what its about, and they both want the same thing. I did it before for a year, and it was the BEST sex ever!
Lovelybird Posted June 18, 2008 Posted June 18, 2008 If you want to be genuine nice guy, then don't have casual sex with woman whom you don't want to develop relationship. You cannot get both
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