melbar68 Posted June 17, 2008 Posted June 17, 2008 i have been with my married just about a year and i am so in love with him. i have asked for advise on this before at times i have wanted out of the relationship not because thigs are bad but because it hurts. Everytime i see him i fsall more and more in love with him. i have never asked him to leave his wife but he has metioned that he will once his children are older right now they are 7 and 8. mine are 15 and 22 but he is older than me by three years he just started late having children. this last week we both went to Florida on vacation he went to to be at his nephews graduation and i went to spend time with my daughter and grandchildren in between we spent three beautiful nights together that i will never forget. the most romantic three days of my life. i chose to leave him after those three nights because it hurt so much to see him go but he was persistant on not allowing that and came back so that we can talk and we did which of course we are on good terms now. i love him with all of my heart i truly do and i believe he does too, but im hurting inside i feel so lonely and i have never felt that before. i cry never in front of him or that he knows. i live with someone also but we are separated and have been for years now he is just accupying my livingroom until he finds somewhere to go but i am single. i have a great job and have reached most of my goals except finding that perfect partner. sometimes i think it could be him my MM but i dont know what to do anymore but i do know my heart aches because i want him but know i cant have him and i would never tell his wife. recently she found out about me and called my number i said she had the wrong number i did not know her husband and i changed my cell number. she them confronted him which he denied of course and i realy dont know what went on on their part as he told me but i didnt want to know or hear how he fixed the problem. she did tell me she knew i was the OW and that she loved her husband very much and that they had a great sex life better than it had ever been he denied this but i chose not to believe either or concern myself since i always knew he was married and that is what married people do. i just block out what they do together and have asked him never to discuss these things with me which he doesnt. we dont get to see eachother often anymore as she is more on top of him but we do maybe once every other week. i just dont know what to do. when im with him he makes me feel like a queens like i am the only one he send me love notes and flowers often tells me how much he loves me and cant live without me when we were in florida and we were holding hands he told me it felt so good to display public affection and it felt so relaxing being with me. we laughed and had so much fun. all he kept doing was making me feel important giving me massages brushing my hair kissing me all the time. telling me how beatiful i am and how he could never live without me. i just dont know what to do anymore. we do speak everyday while he is at work several times a day.
nellstar Posted June 17, 2008 Posted June 17, 2008 Melbar, let me tell you that I know exactly how you feel. I'm going through the same thing, not exactly the same thing but almost. There are times when I feel like giving up but I know it's just a matter of time for things between us to happen. It's a long story which I'm not going to get into, not on your thread! But yes, it's hard and it hurts. Do you go out with other people? Do you always make him your priority?
GreenEyedLady Posted June 17, 2008 Posted June 17, 2008 i love him with all of my heart i truly do and i believe he does too, but im hurting inside i feel so lonely and i have never felt that before. i cry never in front of him or that he knows. i just dont know what to do. when im with him he makes me feel like a queens like i am the only one he send me love notes and flowers often tells me how much he loves me and cant live without me when we were in florida and we were holding hands he told me it felt so good to display public affection and it felt so relaxing being with me. we laughed and had so much fun. all he kept doing was making me feel important giving me massages brushing my hair kissing me all the time. telling me how beatiful i am and how he could never live without me. i just dont know what to do anymore. we do speak everyday while he is at work several times a day. I understand how much you love him. He needs to see how much he is hurting you. Until they see how much they hurt you, they will never be able to make it better. Sometimes that means leaving you, though. If he really loves you and knows that he is the cause of this pain, he will finally end one of the R's. Many times it will be the A that they end, however. You do know what to do, but you fear doing it. You fear closing the door and ending the chapter. From everything that you've written, he is just a cake-eater. He doesn't sound miserable at home and they WILL NOT LEAVE unless they are unhappy at home. He wants his life the way it is and he wants to have you when it's convenient for him, as a way to enhance his life. To make HIS life fuller. Men have A's to fill their own needs, their own selfish desires. Sometimes it turns into a R, but it doesn't sound like it's gotten to that point. The difference being that a R is about the couple, the A is about HIM. I'm sorry. I do not say these things to hurt you, but you have said that you are hurting and the time to change things is when you no longer are getting anything or as much out of it. You deserve all the things that he is giving his W. Don't be afraid to demand what you need. And then go out and get it. Someone who is loves you and is sweet and caring will not make you feel like a dirty secret. GEL
twice_shy Posted June 17, 2008 Posted June 17, 2008 i love him with all of my heart i truly do and i believe he does too If he did, he'd leave his wife for you. i have a great job and have reached most of my goals except finding that perfect partner. Newsflash: He is married. He isn't a perfect partner. Unless you consider a cheater a perfect fit for you. recently she found out about me and called my number i said she had the wrong number i did not know her husband and i changed my cell number. she them confronted him which he denied of course and i realy dont know what went on on their part as he told me but i didnt want to know or hear how he fixed the problem. Well then you both blew it. There was your chance, yours and his, to not lie about it and see what happens. Again, if he was in love with you, he wouldn't have denied it like a coward. maybe its time to think about finding someone unattached? I never in my life would find myself in love with a cheater....but thats me. she did tell me she knew i was the OW and that she loved her husband very much Well that is where she is in a fog and is being played a fool by her husband. and that they had a great sex life better than it had ever been he denied this but i chose not to believe either or concern myself since i always knew he was married and that is what married people do. i just block out what they do together and have asked him never to discuss these things with me which he doesnt. we dont get to see eachother often anymore as she is more on top of him but we do maybe once every other week. Man, he has it made. Gets to keep his wife wrapped around his finger and have you on the side here and there. This guy is a straight up player, liar, and cheater. This is what you want?? If so, seems to be the norm. I am going about it all wrong. I need to start lying to women and cheatin'. Seriously. Why do you want this? Of course a guy is going to treat you like a queen. Its a new relationship for him that is kept new because you aren't together every single day going through the trials and tribs of married/family life. And what about his family? Could you care less about what you are doing to his kids if he has any? I already know he could give a crap about them. No man, who is any man in any sense of the word, cheats on his kids and craps on the family like that. Again, is this what you want? Haven't you ever told yourself, "I can do better than this"??
bentnotbroken Posted June 17, 2008 Posted June 17, 2008 i have been with my married just about a year and i am so in love with him. i have asked for advise on this before at times i have wanted out of the relationship not because thigs are bad but because it hurts. Everytime i see him i fsall more and more in love with him. i have never asked him to leave his wife but he has metioned that he will once his children are older right now they are 7 and 8. mine are 15 and 22 but he is older than me by three years he just started late having children. this last week we both went to Florida on vacation he went to to be at his nephews graduation and i went to spend time with my daughter and grandchildren in between we spent three beautiful nights together that i will never forget. the most romantic three days of my life. i chose to leave him after those three nights because it hurt so much to see him go but he was persistant on not allowing that and came back so that we can talk and we did which of course we are on good terms now. i love him with all of my heart i truly do and i believe he does too, but im hurting inside i feel so lonely and i have never felt that before. i cry never in front of him or that he knows. i live with someone also but we are separated and have been for years now he is just accupying my livingroom until he finds somewhere to go but i am single. i have a great job and have reached most of my goals except finding that perfect partner. sometimes i think it could be him my MM but i dont know what to do anymore but i do know my heart aches because i want him but know i cant have him and i would never tell his wife. recently she found out about me and called my number i said she had the wrong number i did not know her husband and i changed my cell number. she them confronted him which he denied of course and i realy dont know what went on on their part as he told me but i didnt want to know or hear how he fixed the problem. she did tell me she knew i was the OW and that she loved her husband very much and that they had a great sex life better than it had ever been he denied this but i chose not to believe either or concern myself since i always knew he was married and that is what married people do. i just block out what they do together and have asked him never to discuss these things with me which he doesnt. we dont get to see eachother often anymore as she is more on top of him but we do maybe once every other week. i just dont know what to do. when im with him he makes me feel like a queens like i am the only one he send me love notes and flowers often tells me how much he loves me and cant live without me when we were in florida and we were holding hands he told me it felt so good to display public affection and it felt so relaxing being with me. we laughed and had so much fun. all he kept doing was making me feel important giving me massages brushing my hair kissing me all the time. telling me how beatiful i am and how he could never live without me. i just dont know what to do anymore. we do speak everyday while he is at work several times a day. This is one of the saddest post I think I have ever read on here. Why would you participate in hurting his W? He is a large crap nugget. Why would you help a man treat you and another woman that way? I just don't get it. Love shouldn't make you willing to help a man hurt others. I know this isn't the same, but would you help him sell drugs to hurt others? I am at a loss on this one.
Lizzie60 Posted June 17, 2008 Posted June 17, 2008 Hum... I know how you feel... been there.. a looooong time ago.. but I still remember.. It's hard to know if he's really sincere or now.. Usually they make big promises.. and with time.. they know damn well that the A probably won't last that long... so they're 'safe' to make all the promises they want. Then the OW gets tired of waiting.. or they get busted.. and they are kicked out ... I do not doubt that he loves you.. he probably loves you more than he loves his W.. BUT... all the rest (lifestyle, finances, house, kids, friends, family, pension plan, etc.) are harder to leave (or split) than the W... and that's why they string the OW along for years, sometimes... The sad part, is that, most of the time, the OW is miserable and unhappy... NOT HIM... he's OK.. sure he misses you.. but when he's not with you.. he's got so much going around .. that he doesn't really have time to MISS you as much as you miss him.. Then he gets lonely.. wants to see you badly... have great sex.. he needs to love you, be with you.. it's amazing.. the time you spent together is awesome.. memorable.. but only last a few hours or a few days. Till... the next time... I lived like that for over 11 years with my first ex.. then we moved together (after she kicked him out)... we lived common-law for 18 years, had a son... Anyway.. I know how you feel... if you're OK with it.. fine.. if not.. then I must tell you to move on.. leave him... But I know you probably won't and you'll keep on being miserably in love with him..
norajane Posted June 17, 2008 Posted June 17, 2008 i have never asked him to leave his wife but he has metioned that he will once his children are older right now they are 7 and 8. im hurting inside i feel so lonely and i have never felt that before. These two facts are what you have to focus on. He's not leaving his wife any time soon, if ever, and you are growing more and more lonely. If you stay with him, you really have nothing to look forward to but more of that loneliness and pain you have now. i have a great job and have reached most of my goals except finding that perfect partner. So don't delay any longer. If you want to find that perfect partner, you have to break up with this MM, give yourself some time to heal, and then go out and meet single men who can be your partner instead of being someone else's partner. The longer you stay with him, the harder it will be to leave, and the more lonely and trapped you will feel. Free yourself to love someone who can love you back freely and openly and has everything to offer you.
Lucky_One Posted June 17, 2008 Posted June 17, 2008 I would hate to think that I was going to wait and be miserable for another 10 years....
NoIDidn't Posted June 20, 2008 Posted June 20, 2008 That is the biggest red flag no matter what they say to you on the "most romantic" times ever. When faced with an opportunity to tell the betrayed the truth and they choose to lie, you then know that you will be left waiting. No man that is truly planning to leave with you lies about it at the first opportunity. They might refuse to answer, but to outright lie means they intend to stay married to the person they are cheating on. I don't know what anyone deserves in life, but I would think they should aim for more than being denied by the person that claims to love them.
Author melbar68 Posted June 21, 2008 Author Posted June 21, 2008 Lizzie60 thank you for your words and of course everyone else. As much as i do want this to be over it's easier said than done. I have tried several times but he will call or write or make some kind of contact. Yes i am in love with him maybe thats why it's hard and yes i come here to seek advise because i am hopeing that something will click, but it doesnt i want him more and more everytime i am with him. Yes i do care that he has a family and this is why i have never asked him to leave his family although he tells me all the time that he wants nothing more that to leave his wife, but yes pension and financial reasons keep him from leaving and that he wants more than anything to be with me everyday i do understand i have been divorced before and what kept me around was the financial aspect, however i did get out eventually. It's not easy because yes i feel lonely at times and i know he is probably not as lonely since he has his family to keep him busy, but when i am with him it's most beautiful feeling in the world. I dont see other men although i can i have had many men ask me out on dates and sometimes i've gone but i am just not interested in anyone else right now. It's been a year and i dont know i can do this for another year yet i know in my heart that i will.
whichwayisup Posted June 21, 2008 Posted June 21, 2008 but he will call or write or make some kind of contact. Don't blame him though, if you need to get stronger to fight off his advances, him contacting you, get counselling to help you through this. You DO have it in you, IF you really and truly want it to end..But, I'm not sure you're at your breaking point yet, even if your heart is hurting alot, you're not quite ready to throw in the towel and really do everything necessary to get him the heck OUT of your life. Don't let fear get in the way...You were FINE before he came into your life, you'll be FINE again later. It'll hurt, you'll be sad and have some real bad days, but you WILL survive and come out stronger. Please think about what is best for you - LONG term, not in the heat of the moment and short term.
Author melbar68 Posted June 22, 2008 Author Posted June 22, 2008 thank you whichwayisup you are right i will come out of it and but you ar also correct when you say that im not ready to throw in the towel eventually i know i will because there have been times when i wanted to but he makes it so hard for me. he has never said i will leave my wife for you instead he says just wait until my kids are older and we will be together forever and in my head i laugh thinking what the f*** does he think i am stupid only because i know i will not wait, not only that now that his wife knows my name and i dont have a common name i know it would never work out for us. i also know she told his mother about me and my name so if ever we do decide to be together they will know it started as an Affair. i am so confused at times i dont know what i want yet i do know what i want but being with him sometimes holds me back from wanting to date other men.
whichwayisup Posted June 23, 2008 Posted June 23, 2008 You can end it with him and not date other guys. You aren't ready to yet anyway...It'll only make you feel sick if you date. Start focussing on you and your own life. Your friends, family, hobbies - All that are important to you in YOUR OWN life that has nothing to do with MM. Melbar - He's telling you things you want to hear that he may mean in the moment, but ALL of it could change in the future. You know this in your heart and hanging onto someone who has no intention of leaving, let alone starting a new life with someone else (you) is only going to ruin you even more. Go back and re-read all your older threads...Start detaching daily, exclude him from your life, don't rely on him for your happiness. It's OK to be sad, feel crummy and upset. ALL that is short term and you'll come out shining later! Stay in this situation, your life will have even more up's and down's than necessary.
Author melbar68 Posted July 14, 2008 Author Posted July 14, 2008 I have started to detach myself from my MM we use to speak from 6am until 3pm everyday twenty times a day now i have cut it down to twice a day it feels okay not talking to him like i use to. It feels okay that i am only seeing once a month now not like i use to several times a week. i am okay with that and i am detaching myself but i wouldnt tell anyone else to just leave their MM. She has gotten ahold of my email and although i denied knowing him ND tild her i was a 70 year old disabled woman she still sends me photos of them together which i dont even care about i am still in love with him but i know whats not good for me ..... i feel like i have been on a roller coaster and now i am ready to get off
Owl Posted July 14, 2008 Posted July 14, 2008 Then get off while you're feeling that way...and when you do, make sure you turn in your ride pass so you can't go back on it when you start to change your mind. Seriously...there's never a GOOD time...but this might be a GOOD ENOUGH time to end it.
smartgirl Posted July 14, 2008 Posted July 14, 2008 M- I believe in romance and love as much as the next woman, but what you have described doesn't sound romantic and doesn't sound like love - it sounds like obsession. I know that some "romantics" feel this tortured, aching feeling is the passion of a true, burning love. I feel like I have experienced love and also the kind of feelings you are describing. The feelings you are describing are the kind that develop when you have a strong attraction to someone but for whatever reason, can't have them. The not being able to have them, because the relationship is one-sided or the person is not really available to you, drives the longing and the obsessive thoughts. At the time, you believe it feels good endulging these feelings. It feels romantic and poetic and more exhilirating than anything you have felt in your life. In your heart, you can't help but feel that a love as strong as yours will ultimately win out because surely it is meant to be. Like any flawed or one-sided relationship, the person with the stronger feelings -- you -- is suffering the most. You feel noble for hanging in there and being there for him. But you are unhappy and you have put your life on hold. You will never be able to get these years back and when you look back on this years from now, you will not feel good about this because then you will realize that you were giving everything and getting damn little back in return. What is distracting you from seeing that this is a dead end is that the reason he is not with you doesn't seem on the surface like it has anything to do with you, him or your relationship -- it seems like it is because of circumstances outside the relationship, ie the kids. The kids are a red herring. The reason he is not with you is because he doesn't want to be. He wants to stay in his marriage and his actions when his wife found out prove that. Her finding out provided him with an opening to leave and he didn't take it. You cannot evaluate the degree of his love for her, you or the children. Don't even go down that road. The only thing that matters are his actions. He denied having an affair, he now sees you less and he is staying put. You have value as a person. You are a mother who should be setting an example for her daughters. Would you support your daughter staying in a one-sided relationship where she was as unhappy as you are now? Wouldn't you tell her that she is a great person and there are men out there who will love her and be willing to commit to her and that she DOES NOT have to stay in a relationship where she is merely "on call"? Wouldn't you tell her that to stay in a relationship like that is a waste of her goodness and love and that she should find someone more worthy of receiving those gifts? Wouldn't you?
smartgirl Posted July 14, 2008 Posted July 14, 2008 BTW, I didn't mean to ignore what you said in your last post. I wanted to say that you do sound more calm and less aggitated than in your original post and I hope that continues. With calm can come clarity and with clarity can come better perspective and decision making. Good luck.
pentacle Posted July 14, 2008 Posted July 14, 2008 Hi. I think I just want to ask you what is going on inside you that makes you choose a lover so that you do not have to commit yourself to a partner and a relationship that is full time and real. This infatuation sounds more like a reason to end your current relationship (ex-partner in a spare room) rather than a real lived committed partnership. I don't see how anyone - especially someone with some self-esteem and success behind them - would place themselves in the position of always being second best. The one that he'll see when time allows. The one he may leave his marriage for once the kids are grown or if the wife makes him go. The one that doesn't get to see the real man by living with him and seeing his good and bad points. The one that gets to be the supporting cast, not the leading lady. Like you do not think that you deserve a committed partnership. Why do you choose that for your self? Because mostly I can guarantee you that love in those circumstances would gain no foothold unless you have a reason in yourself not to want a proper commitment from yourself and him.
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