v33 Posted June 17, 2008 Posted June 17, 2008 Well, I am not proud of myself, let me start with that. I must have mentioned that I got majorly screwed over in my break up. Girl cheated on me, spread horrible lies about me and left me for another man. I admit I did not handle things well, said some things that are truly beneath me and behaved in am uncivilized manner. I thought my words were justified at the time, but to put myself in the dumpee's shoes, I see that I must have come across as a vile person as she felt fully entitled to her reasons for leaving me.... as alcohol and pity induced as they were. Tonight I was out drinking with a friend at a local restaurant's anniversary party and my walk home took me by my ex's house. I saw the lights were on and she was out on her balcony. Foolishly I decided to call her and she actually picked up. I asked her if she would some outside to talk and she told me "that isn't a good idea". Now, I am willing to forgive her actions and I figure if I am capable of overlooking what she did to me that at the very least she could forgive a few harsh words on my behalf. When she told me she wouldn't talk I said "Fair enough, I will respect that decision but just tell me why it is so. If you never want me to call or text again I will comply, but just be decent enough to tell me to leave you alone forever." At that point her new man walked out on the balcony, she told me to "just go away" and I did. The phone went dead on her end. I see that her actions speak much louder than her non-existent words. Even though she won't say it, it's pretty obvious that for whatever reasons that she will not talk to me ever again. I have a tendency to want to fix things that are "broken" and the time has come for me to accept that this is something that I can't make right. I am humiliated. I am disgusted with myself. But I will have to learn from this and move on. I doubt I will sleep well tonight, but hopefully I will wake up with a healthier perspective. Forgive me, I have been so weak.
replicator Posted June 17, 2008 Posted June 17, 2008 It's alright man.. Take it all as a learning experience. You'll grow from this.. You'll be stronger because of it. "A failure is not someone who has tried and failed; it is someone who has given up trying and resigned himself to failure; it is not a condition, but an attitude" - Sydney J. Harris.
Lookingforward Posted June 17, 2008 Posted June 17, 2008 It's alright man.. Take it all as a learning experience. You'll grow from this.. You'll be stronger because of it. "A failure is not someone who has tried and failed; it is someone who has given up trying and resigned himself to failure; it is not a condition, but an attitude" - Sydney J. Harris. or....... the only way to never fail....is to never TRY
kizik Posted June 17, 2008 Posted June 17, 2008 V, I know you feel really dumb or something, but listen up: it's not a big deal. The real problem is that you are "humiliated" and "disgusted with yourself". Like you said, you are the type of person who tries to patch things up. It's not your fault she's such an immature bitch that she won't tell you why she won't talk to you. YOU are not the one who should feel bad about yourself. SHE should, for being so heartless and insensitive. Yeah, you probably shouldn't have called her, but so what? How are you gonna know what to do... until you DO it? Life = learning through experience. What you did is neither good nor bad, by definition. If you conclude it was a mistake, then fine. But don't think you're gonna get away with that negative self talk here! Not on my f*cking watch.
Art_Critic Posted June 17, 2008 Posted June 17, 2008 I have a tendency to want to fix things that are "broken" and the time has come for me to accept that this is something that I can't make right. You have to know when to walk away.. clearly when one finds another it is no longer broken.. it is nonexistent.. It is good to try and make things right when you are wrong.. I am like you in that manner.. The serenity prayer is the thing that hits the point the best in most scenarios that we question if it can be fixed and how far to go... God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change.. The courage to change the things I can, and the wisdom to know the difference.
Author v33 Posted June 17, 2008 Author Posted June 17, 2008 God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change.. The courage to change the things I can, and the wisdom to know the difference. I am not a religious person, but, Amen. I must accept that for whatever reasons *I* think she was wrong, it doesn't matter. Whatever justifications I give to my actions or hers it doesn't matter. She has a new life, one which I am not a part of. I will not get an apology, I will not get closure from her. Wether I think it is real or not, she *IS* content with her situation, or at the very least it suits her needs at this time. I did the best I could for a long time, and yes, I did give up.... but no amount of effort on my part could have fixed what was wrong with us. I gave up because my subconscious told me it was no longer right. I am left to contend with only my bruised ego. I know this was not entirely my fault, but I do get caught up in the belief that I should bear more of the burden because of my past failures in life (not just in relationships) have reinforced the belief that I am a major screw up. Now I know that this isn't true, but if past performance is any indication of future results I have some changes to make. I am going to find the strength somehow, somewhere to make the changes in me that need to be made. I must find validation within myself, within my life and actions. I am looking to find it in the worst possible place right now. From a person who no longer cares for me. If she didn't care while we were together, why on Earth would she care now that we are apart. I will try to not let the vision of her and her boyfriend staring down at me while I pathetically stood at her door haunt me any longer than tonight. I was weak then, yes. But I am not a weak person. I am strong. I have unlimited potential. Tomorrow is a new day and a new chance at a new beginning. I am appreciative to all of you for your responses and insight. This will only be a failure if I do not learn from it. My first step is to crush this pack of cigarettes, swear off of drinking for a while and get a good night's sleep. What I do in the morning and with the rest of tomorrow will ultimately decide if I have chosen the right path. Hell, if she can find the resolve to live without *ME* I should damn well be able to get alone without her. Thankful actually. She was not life enhancing by any means. I am glad we share no common friends or bonds. No-one who I could be shamed to any longer if she tells the tale. The value in anything she says or does exists only in my mind, and my mind belongs to me. This could be much, much worse.
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