pandagirl Posted June 17, 2008 Posted June 17, 2008 So, many of you know the saga: I dated a guy, told him I had herpes, he was fine with it, but he broke up with me for the reason that he didn't feel infatuated enough/passionate enough about me. It was amicable and fine, and we agreed we wanted to be friends. Saw him for the first time since the breakup (which wasn't even really a break-up, we only dated a month) and it was fun and great as always, he kissed me, I pulled back, even though it was hard to resist. Now, I know most of you will say that he only wants to get back in my pants. This may very well be TRUE. But, he's been doing things like calling and writing me a lot. Want to hang out with my friends. He wants me to meet his friends. Being really nice to me. Acting like my boyfriend. Making plans to do things in the future. I'm not sure what to think of it. I honestly thought it would be easy to be friends: he said he didn't feel a certain way about me. I took him for his word, dealed with it, and was fine with it. But his recent actions are making me like him all over again. The thing is, nothing was wrong with us while we were dating. We were merely in the getting-to-know you phase. We have fun, we get along amazingly, we're very attracted to each other, and most importantly we LIKE each other. So, I'm left with some choices: 1) just stop all contact with him, move on, find another boy to like and after a couple of months, try to be friends with him again 2) continue on in this ambiguous dating/non-dating/friends/more-than-friend status until things come to ahead 3) just ask him what he wants Naturally, option #1 probably is the best...but it's also the suckiest one. I want to preserve my feelings as they are now: stable! But I also don't want to lose this guy who I enjoy having in my life so much.
Cherry Blossom 35 Posted June 17, 2008 Posted June 17, 2008 Hmm...I'm inclined to go with #3. 1. Seems a little extreme and could be cutting off possibilities. 2. It will be emotionally difficult for you to stay in this ambivalent stage for long. If you guys have an easy, natural way of communicating then I think you can feel free to just get to the point. Besides, what do you have to lose? He already broke up with you once. And yes, I did read the other thread!
Author pandagirl Posted June 17, 2008 Author Posted June 17, 2008 If you guys have an easy, natural way of communicating then I think you can feel free to just get to the point. Besides, what do you have to lose? He already broke up with you once. haha. good point! we do have an easy, natural way of communication. i feel comfortable telling him what's on my mind. i guess, i just don't want to seem too eager or needy. i'm not, btw. i just don't like ambiguity.
D-Lish Posted June 17, 2008 Posted June 17, 2008 Well, the bottom line is that the two of you aren't just friends- you've had sexual contact- and he continues to make more sexual advances... so it's not a friendship situation you are dealing with. The H obviously does not bother him- if it did- he wouldn't even want to take the risk of having sex. You could get hurt here. I don't want to see that happen.
Cherry Blossom 35 Posted June 17, 2008 Posted June 17, 2008 haha. good point! we do have an easy, natural way of communication. i feel comfortable telling him what's on my mind. i guess, i just don't want to seem too eager or needy. i'm not, btw. i just don't like ambiguity. Sometimes you need to do things for yourself without regard to how the person will view you i.e. "needy". I hate that term, by the way. What is that supposed to mean? That it is a turn-off to have needs and standards for yourself? I think you will be unhappy if you play along with this for an indefinite amount of time.
Author pandagirl Posted June 17, 2008 Author Posted June 17, 2008 I don't want to get hurt either. At all. Which is why I'm trying to figure out a good way to manuveur out of this situation in a graceful way, where, ideally, everyone can be happy. I don't want to ask him "what he wants," because that puts the power back in HIS hands, and I want to determine the outcome, not him (again). What I ideally wanted to happen, was just us to be friends. FRIENDS. I thought that was going to be easy since he is the one who broke things off and, one thing was for sure, I wasn't going to be begging him to come back to me. I just REALLY wish he wouldn't have kissed me.
Cherry Blossom 35 Posted June 17, 2008 Posted June 17, 2008 If you truly want to be friends with this guy then you need to give yourself a break from him for a while. Tell him you need some space to get over residual feelings. He shouldn't be kissing you if he doesn't want a relationship with you at this point. It's not fair when he knows how you feel.
Ruby Slippers Posted June 17, 2008 Posted June 17, 2008 he broke up with me for the reason that he didn't feel infatuated enough/passionate enough about me To me, then, it's a done deal. Is he suddenly infatuated with you and passionate? I can't imagine so. And even if he were, the back and forth is shifty. I can't see myself giving it a second go with someone who said he felt that way about me. I'd move on.
Author pandagirl Posted June 17, 2008 Author Posted June 17, 2008 No probably not suddenly infatuated, but it might be possible that the fact that there is some conflict now (me being pretty blase about the breakup, him wanting what he can't have) may be peaking his interest more. He keeps on telling me, "i really LIKE you." He likes drama.
Trialbyfire Posted June 17, 2008 Posted June 17, 2008 pandagirl, while you may believe you're reeling him in, in actuality, he's reeling you in. Playah!
Jilly Bean Posted June 17, 2008 Posted June 17, 2008 PG, I wish we could get some consensus and honesty on your feelings on this. When he broke up with you, you said you were totally fine with it, and you said you agreed that you didn't feel enough for him to continue dating either. That it was MUTUAL. You said that you considered him more of a friend, and that you also felt no real passion for him. I challenged you on that, and you refutted it over and over, and said you REALLY had no romantic interest in him whatsoever, and you were cool with how it ended and hoped you could be friends. Now he shows you some friendship, and you are off the deep-end of the pond again thinking he is looking for more. I don't see that he is acting like a BF. I see you "wanting" him to behave like a BF. Bottom line, he told you he wanted to be FWB's and that he had no interest in dating you. I don't see how any of this has changed, really. I think he continues to exploit your vulnerabilities and affections towards him (even if you deny them here, he obviously is aware you are still carrying a torch). I vote cut him out of your life. This isn't going to end any better than it has already, and I don't know why you keep picking at the scab... If a guy ever told me I wasn't "dateable" but only "effable", I'd tell him to take a hike. Still not sure why this didn't insult you as it should have...
Author pandagirl Posted June 17, 2008 Author Posted June 17, 2008 hahaha! I don't think I'm trying to reel him in, but you are right, he is reeling me in. dammit. I wish I was strong enough just to say goodbye. I have a bad habit of trying to keep everyone in my life.
Trialbyfire Posted June 17, 2008 Posted June 17, 2008 You still care about him. You can't play a player unless you shut down emotionally and consider it a game, the same way he does. You've got to consider him to be disposable, with no thoughts or concerns about how you might hurt him.
Art_Critic Posted June 17, 2008 Posted June 17, 2008 3) just ask him what he wants I actually think that it is you who doesn't know what she wants.. I also think that you have wanted to be more than his friend since you had sex with him and you are settling because that is all he wants.. then he kicks up his FWB feelings and he is looking for a little nookie.. but you don't want that because you want a relationship.. Maybe YOU should decide what it is YOU want from him.. you seem to be in control.. so why can't you decide what you want ?
Author pandagirl Posted June 17, 2008 Author Posted June 17, 2008 JB: he never said he wanted to bw FWB to me. TBF: Yeah...I am not a person who is able to emotionally shutdown at all. And I do care about him, but I also do not want to get hurt or taken advantage of. AC: You are right, I don't know what I want. The thing is though, I don't want to be his girlfriend. We don't work. But I do want to be friends, but I guess I'm coming to the conclusion that it's impossible to be friends with someone you dated/still are attracted to. Which sucks.
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