artemis32 Posted June 17, 2008 Posted June 17, 2008 I've been weighing the option to move back into my family's house for a long time now. I'm not happy in the living situation I'm in right now. I've been dating him for almost 2 years now. He's an extremely sweet and thoughtful man. I care very much for him. Here's my problems... I'm 27 & he is over 40. Most of the time I don't notice the age difference, but there's times that that age difference really makes me feel uncomfortable, most commonly I'll feel like I'm so young or getting yelled at like a child. Also, it bothers me because I feel as though he's going to be too old by the time I'm ready to have kids, which is no time soon. We don't have sex anymore. I can count on my hands how many times we've been intimate in the last year. Looking back, It started after he became depressed. I didn't understand that at the time and thought there was something wrong with me or he wasn't interested anymore. He'd give me excuses like it was too late, he was too tired, or it was too late because I had to get up to early. After too many failed attempts, I lost interest. Now he claims that it's because I didn't understand he was depressed for a long time. Going along with his depression, he stopped taking care of himself. He didn't shower regularly, he got slobby, he didn't shave. I tried talking to him about it but he'd just get offended. Well, in turn, I just got sooo turned off that I wasn't even interested in touching him. He still lives at home. He lives with his father. I've been living with both of them for over a year. I'm not and haven't been comfortable here the entire time I've been here. I thought we, or at least I, would be able to get things on the right track by now, but it hasn't happened. I realize now that it will be a long time before he or I would be able to do anything about the living situation. Hence, I'm getting myself to go back to my mother's house. On a personal note, I've been through a failed marriage immediately to a boyfriend for a few months to the current boyfriend. I haven't been alone and I'm thinking that I need that alone time to figure out who I am and what I need to do. I get irritated often because I'm never alone. I get irritated because he's so nice, almost too nice. It seems like there's no end to his niceness. I'm not really sure why that bothers me as I write it, but it does. I've told him I'm moving home. I've told him I have no idea what I'm doing or what I want. I've also told him that I don't think it's going to work. I just feel so bad. I haven't told him this part, because it will hurt him, but I really feel like I want to date other people. So I've already made my mind up, but today, I got so sad because I do really care about him. I know it's best that I leave. I know I'll be happier if I leave. I guess I'm just second guessing myself and looking for some external feedback, since I haven't really talked about this with anyone. I mean, it's only fair for both of us if I leave, right??
ianandris Posted June 17, 2008 Posted June 17, 2008 On a personal note, I've been through a failed marriage immediately to a boyfriend for a few months to the current boyfriend. I haven't been alone and I'm thinking that I need that alone time to figure out who I am and what I need to do. I get irritated often because I'm never alone. I get irritated because he's so nice, almost too nice. It seems like there's no end to his niceness. I'm not really sure why that bothers me as I write it, but it does. I've told him I'm moving home. I've told him I have no idea what I'm doing or what I want. I've also told him that I don't think it's going to work. I just feel so bad. I haven't told him this part, because it will hurt him, but I really feel like I want to date other people. So I've already made my mind up, but today, I got so sad because I do really care about him. I know it's best that I leave. I know I'll be happier if I leave. I guess I'm just second guessing myself and looking for some external feedback, since I haven't really talked about this with anyone. I mean, it's only fair for both of us if I leave, right??My ex girlfriend was in a similar situation. She got married young (really young) was with him for 2 years, and left him because he didn't take care of her the way she needed to be taken care of. 2 weeks after her separation, she and I met. It was all gold for the first, almost 2 months, but at some point she realized that she just didn't love me the way she thought she did (wouldn't have been so bad, but we'd made marriage plans and everything. Pretty brutal.). The reason she gave me was that she didn't know herself, hadn't had a chance to experience life, and needed to figure herself out before she started seriously dating anyone again. I, of course, was, and I guess I still am, devastated (marriage plans!). It's only been a week now. But, in retrospect, it was the right decision. She hopped into a relationship with me because I filled a need for her that hadn't been filled with her past husband (I'm an extremely caring SO. Doting on her, doing everything I can to make her happy, even if it might be painful for me. I suspect the fact I was there for her that way also irritated her. I don't think it was the niceness that got to her, though, but the duplicity she felt that irritated her. "Why are you being so nice to me? I don't feel that way about you! Stop it!" sorta thing). She fell in love with the way I made her feel, not with me, so as soon as she stopped feeling the excitement of our relationship, as soon as she came down off of the love high she was on, she realized that she'd made a mistake (a big one). I asked her to promise me that she wouldn't date anyone until after her divorce is final, though. Partially because she will very likely hurt that person (she's got one divorce and one broken engagement under her belt, now.), and partially because I can't bear the thought of her dating anyone else right now. I poured my whole soul into our relationship. Every ounce of who I am. I believed what she told me... *sigh* BUT, I knew she won't be happy until she knows herself. It tears me up that she can't be happy with me, but I don't blame her for what she's going through. I know she didn't intentionally mislead me. She really honestly thought she was in love with me. But, it's impossible to be in a truly loving, giving relationship until you know yourself, love yourself, and are completely over the pain of your previous heart break. Take the time you need. Don't date immediately. Take as much time as you need to get your mind straight (may be more than you think right away). But above all, don't stay with him if you're unhappy in your relationship. If you know he isn't right for you, don't prolong the difficulty. The longer you stay, the more painful it will be for both of you when you split, and you WILL split. Alone time has been huge for her. I've been dying to talk to her since she broke up with me, I just want to spend time with her, but I've left her alone because I know she needs it. The other day, she called me for a ride to and from work, and she mentioned that she's been fighting the urge to be with people because she wants to so badly. She doesn't know how to be by herself, and that is so important for a relationship. One of the essential things I learned (and I suspect she learned, too. She sent me this poem): But let there be spaces in your togetherness, And let the winds of the heavens dance between you. Love one another but make not a bond of love: Let it rather be a moving sea between the shores of your souls. Fill each other's cup but drink not from one cup. Give one another of your bread but eat not from the same loaf. Sing and dance together and be joyous, but let each one of you be alone, Even as the strings of a lute are alone though they quiver with the same music. Give your hearts, but not into each other's keeping. For only the hand of Life can contain your hearts. And stand together, yet not too near together: For the pillars of the temple stand apart, And the oak tree and the cypress grow not in each other's shadow. -Khalil Gibran
shanny Posted June 17, 2008 Posted June 17, 2008 I just moved back in with my parents after a horrible situation and I am soooo glad I did. It gives me time to feel grounded and comfortable while working things out with myself. Oddly enough the relationship that I just got out of was with a 42 year old man... and I am 28. The issues were not really the same but ironic nonetheless. If your parents are willing to take you back then do what you feel is right. It sounds like your man has a lot of issues to work out with himself before he can be really make someone happy anyway. Something obviously needs to change for you both to be happy. Maybe you moving out will rejuvinate something in your relationship and the spark will come back. In conclusion... follow your gut. I did and went home and I am sooo happy I did. When I move out in a few months I will be a better person because I took the time for ME and am doing what I need to do to get my life together. Good luck.
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