astra77 Posted June 17, 2008 Share Posted June 17, 2008 My 1st post gav me some very helpful advice and I am definately in a "better place" right now. However, NC is sooooooooo hard. I have been emailing my XMM once a week - mind you he is not talking to me. If only i could adopt his NC attitude. I guess I hurt him more than he hurt me. I think i am missing the positive dominance that was in our A - he was the ying to my yang, he balanced me out, but i am trapped by the negative dominance - im his little secret, side dish, stopped my whole life for a fantasy etc. He wont talk to me and it's driving me crazy. I am driving me crazy as i know the A was wrong on soooooooo many levels, but i crave his attention. Any thoughts??? I still love this guy after breaking it off about 2 months ago. I dont want to go down hill after a small leap of progress. Why on earth do I still love him???????? Link to post Share on other sites
whichwayisup Posted June 17, 2008 Share Posted June 17, 2008 You need to work on letting him go..Refocussing on you and healing. Everytime you find yourself thinking about him, fantasizing about him, distract yourself. Go out for a walk, put some music on, call a friend, watch TV - ANYTHING that will get him out of your head. Stop allowing yourself to wish and hope he's back in your life..It's over. Seems you relied on him alot for your happiness and now that he's gone, there's a hole left where he once was. Fill that hole up with something else - A hobby that you love, go shopping or something that will make you feel happy. A spa day with a pedicure, massage and facial. Stop sending him emails. If you need to write to vent out thoughts, do so, but never send them. Delete them after you write. Link to post Share on other sites
OWoman Posted June 17, 2008 Share Posted June 17, 2008 Stop sending him emails. If you need to write to vent out thoughts, do so, but never send them. Delete them after you write. ... or post them here and have everyone tell you how evil he is until you start believing them. That might sound facetious, but it has actually worked for some people. Link to post Share on other sites
GreenEyedLady Posted June 17, 2008 Share Posted June 17, 2008 Any thoughts??? I still love this guy after breaking it off about 2 months ago. I dont want to go down hill after a small leap of progress. Why on earth do I still love him???????? If you really loved him, it's not going to go away that fast. Did you break it off or did he? Why won't he talk to you? I don't know the background, so I can't help too much here. Link to post Share on other sites
bentnotbroken Posted June 17, 2008 Share Posted June 17, 2008 He has gone NC, please leave him alone. Don't send him e-mails. Get some help and find out how to make yourself happy. Link to post Share on other sites
nadiaj2727 Posted June 17, 2008 Share Posted June 17, 2008 He has gone NC, please leave him alone. Don't send him e-mails. Get some help and find out how to make yourself happy. I agree with this. Astra I'm sorry you're hurting. Maybe your problem is bigger than missing MM. If someone says they don't want to talk to us and then we try to talk to them anyway, and they don't respond, that usually makes us just feel even more crappy about ourselves. I'm wondering why you keep doing this? It seems like a destructive cycle. Take the power of responding or not away from him-- don't write him, and don't respond if he contacts you. He's shown you that you are not his main priority so it's time to make *yourself* your main priority. Get happy on your own, you really don't need him love. Link to post Share on other sites
Author astra77 Posted June 18, 2008 Author Share Posted June 18, 2008 Did you break it off or did he? Why won't he talk to you? I don't know the background, so I can't help too much here. I broke it off and also left my job as we were co workers - he was my boss. I left because I realised that we could never be together as a "normal couple" and we could never stay in the current situation - does this make sense??? However, at the same time I did not want to leave him as my soul belongs to him. We connected on sooooo many levels. I accept FULL responsibility for my half of the A - it does after all take 2 to tango. I think maybe we should have just stayed good friends. He isnt talking to me coz i guess he feels as much pain and hurt as I do. I DO NOT want to bag his W, it is not my place to do so, but she is very domianting of him almost to the point where she controls his whole life in a negative way. I think she fell pregnant young and thats why they married. I think he saw me as the total opposite of his wife and was always telling me how positive I was and how good I made him feel - this was pre affair. He told me first that he loved me, and would often tell me he would never let me go and would always love me, that i would always have his heart. I guess now that im a negative force in his life and not a positive 1. Apart from his kids as a reason for not leaving - he said he would leave if it was just his wife & no kids - he also said he had been hurt twice before - he meant a past girlfriend and his wife - and he didnt want me to hurt him too - and i guess i hurt him for the 3rd time. The sad thing is i think we genuinly fell in love with each other, but this guy feels "stuck" in his life and has never stood up for himself. He obviously has issues from way back in his childhood and being a conflict avoider, has never delt with these issues. It seems to me he has never willing made any HUGE discisions for himself, some1 else has always done it for him. I spoke to him briefly yesterday and he said he had "nothing to say to me" and I said " so i was just a side dish, and you never loved me" and then he told me i was " talking bull****" His wife was in the room during our call - i thought xmm was at work. Link to post Share on other sites
whichwayisup Posted June 18, 2008 Share Posted June 18, 2008 I think maybe we should have just stayed good friends. This is impossible after an affair ends. Respect his choices and stay in NC mode. Stop emailing him and don't call him again. Keep busy and focus on you. Link to post Share on other sites
Author astra77 Posted June 18, 2008 Author Share Posted June 18, 2008 Sorry i wasn't clear, i meant we should have stayed friends and not started the A. I should have backed away when he 1st made a move and kissed me and I should have said we are only friends, but part of me wanted him too. Link to post Share on other sites
whichwayisup Posted June 18, 2008 Share Posted June 18, 2008 Coulda shoulda woulda...Too late now. If you do really care about him, respect his choice. You can be mad about it, be upset about it all you want but he has changed his mind and doesn't want to continue the A. You have no choice but to accept that and move on...Sorry I know this hurts you, but the more you hang on, the worse off you'll feel in the future. Link to post Share on other sites
angie2443 Posted June 18, 2008 Share Posted June 18, 2008 Any thoughts??? I still love this guy after breaking it off about 2 months ago. I dont want to go down hill after a small leap of progress. Why on earth do I still love him???????? I'm not a scientist, but I do know that experiencing the end of a love relationship (even if that relationship was toxic) is like experiencing a little death and affects the brain. This has something to do with hormones and the limbic system in the brain. I wish I could explain it better, but I'm tired and not thinking to clear right now. Anyways, this attatchment that your brain now has is why you still "love" this guy and why, after only 2 months, you're finding it so hard to leave him alone. You're going to have to give it a lot more time than 2 months for the attatchment to fade. Link to post Share on other sites
angie2443 Posted June 18, 2008 Share Posted June 18, 2008 This is impossible after an affair ends. I definatily agree with this. You can't go back to bieng "just friends" after an affair relationship. Link to post Share on other sites
Author astra77 Posted June 20, 2008 Author Share Posted June 20, 2008 Coulda shoulda woulda...Too late now. If you do really care about him, respect his choice. You can be mad about it, be upset about it all you want but he has changed his mind and doesn't want to continue the A. You have no choice but to accept that and move on...Sorry I know this hurts you, but the more you hang on, the worse off you'll feel in the future. How totally true, but i am such a dumb a** at times that i 4get the advice i have read. I am punishing myself soooooooo hard, so im back to day 1 of no contact and my god i feel like a bomb is about to explode inside of me. I have just come across no foolins guide to a long walk - FANTASTIC advice. I will read this, re - read, re - read, re - read, re - read until it sinks into my THICK skull. God I know its me making me feel this way, but busting the cycle is like pulling teeth, it's hard, it hurts and you bleed. OUCH Link to post Share on other sites
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