Sum1'sGot2RepThe530 Posted July 7, 2008 Posted July 7, 2008 maybe this is off topic? why would this be a problem? seems you want to dictate what another person does with their own private and personal thoughts? you wont be happy until your man has a lobotomy, someone else said it right, you want to be the thought police too. a very insecure person you are. Just give up everybody. There's no getting through to her. Page 20 and she still doesn't get it. And JS, if you decide to play stupid and ask what "it" is, refer to my last post in that other thread you're crusading on.
Jersey Shortie Posted July 7, 2008 Posted July 7, 2008 Errr, I never played stupid in my life Sum. And that was uncalled for. Why do you assume that the pro-porn activists are the ones that "get it" and everyone else who isn't in agreement doesn't? If I "crusade" against porn, there are many many men ere cursading for it.
demrea Posted July 7, 2008 Posted July 7, 2008 Just give up everybody. There's no getting through to her. Page 20 and she still doesn't get it. And JS, if you decide to play stupid and ask what "it" is, refer to my last post in that other thread you're crusading on. maybe, but I am still curious what the problem is if when viewing a porn, the male viewer has an interest in the penis.
Sum1'sGot2RepThe530 Posted July 8, 2008 Posted July 8, 2008 If I "crusade" against porn, there are many many men ere cursading for it. No there isn't. It's all in your head. Sorry to be harsh, but somebody has to be in order to get you to understand. maybe, but I am still curious what the problem is if when viewing a porn, the male viewer has an interest in the penis Lol, ok. I don't know, maybe she's homophobic.
Sum1'sGot2RepThe530 Posted July 8, 2008 Posted July 8, 2008 Ignore the post above, it won't let me edit it, what is below is the complete post that I meant to post the first time. Sorry If I "crusade" against porn, there are many many men ere cursading for it. No there isn't. It's all in your head. Many men have stopped by this thread to let their view be heard, but there words go in one eyeball and out the other. You're the only one crusading. Sorry to be harsh, but somebody has to be in order to get you to understand. By the way, how do you like it when someone else uses the same word over and over again? Now you're making fun of me with your "quotation" marks, lol. maybe, but I am still curious what the problem is if when viewing a porn, the male viewer has an interest in the penis Lol, ok. I don't know, maybe she's homophobic.
SunnySideUp Posted July 8, 2008 Posted July 8, 2008 maybe, but I am still curious what the problem is if when viewing a porn, the male viewer has an interest in the penis. that's a great way to frame this issue. I never thought of it that way, but I will now.
cn283 Posted July 9, 2008 Posted July 9, 2008 well, I just finished reading this entire post...and wow a lot of back and forth. Speaking from a the point of a woman who is with a guy that watches porn, I've been on both sides of this issue. When we were dating the porn issue came up, then I didn't have a problem with it...fast forward to a year and a half later we were living in the same apartment and the amount of porn and time he spent watching it seemed a bit excessive to me, to the point it almost ruined our relationship. I will come out and be the bigger person, most of our problems was because of my insecurity and lack of communication. I exaggerated the importance he placed on it, and didn't express this to him. Fast forward to 6 months later, we sat down and had a really good talk. He answered all of my questions, and listened to my concerns. Turns out he even felt he had been looking at it too much, but it was because he was depressed. I felt depressed at him looking so I didn't want to have sex. The times he did want to have sex with me I wasn't in the mood, so he turned to the porn. It was nothing but a stupid vicious cycle. Now, our relationship is great. He's cut down watching porn, but on his own accord. We watch it together, exchange videos (not usually because we're into different stuff) and he has his alone time, and I have mine. I know this isn't how all relationships turn out, and I know our circumstances and thought processes are different from other couples. But my lightbulb moment was this: When his computer isn't working, he's not that concerned that he isn't watching porn, he doesn't seek it out any other way. However when I'm sick, he calls constantly, does everything in his power to make me feel better, and will call me beautiful even when my nose is runny and I look like something the cat dragged in. His loyalities lie with me, not porn. He is dedicated and committed to me not videos. And he doesn't watch porn to not cheat on me. He watches it for the same reason we play video games together, its fun. And yeah the stuff he watches, the girls don't look like me. Do I care? No. If he wasn't attracted to me we wouldn't talk about about marriage and kids. I like to watch guys that don't look like him. Does he care? No, because he know I love him and neither of us would leave the other for some passing hot person because there are a multitude of other things that keep us together. He doesn't get my sense of humor from those girls and I don't get anything from the guys. I know this is long but I just wanted to show that everyone is right in there own right, it's all about communicating and quite honestly a little growing up on both sides. I know this topic always gets tempers hot but if you look at it in a rational manner and leave out emotions (which I know is hard). To the OP, soserious1, and Jennifer26, my heart goes out to you. It seems like you've tried what I have and got bad results. To JS, I totally respect you and your opinions but have to disagree, because that hasn't been my experience with men. And to all the guys, I don't think *most* of the women on here want to lobotomize and control you, they want something a little more than "get over it" "your insecure"; even if what your saying is the truth. They want to feel as if you geniunely taking the view into account, and feel loved, and listened to...probably what you want as well.
mental_traveller Posted July 27, 2008 Posted July 27, 2008 We are all in control of our own state of mind. He is depressed because of himself, even if she has done things to hurt him. But to blame her for his ED, is a huge cop out in acknowledging his own shortcomings (no pun intended). He needs to be accountable for his own ED. Placing that on her is completely unfair. Pretty much all the literature on depression from the medical profession disagrees. No one chooses to be depressed. His wife has been a horrendous harridan for 2 decades, THAT is the cause of his depression. If you were in a similar situation, I doubt you would hold yourself responsible after 20 years of abuse.
mental_traveller Posted July 27, 2008 Posted July 27, 2008 Men, please correct me, but, as a woman, from my own experience (and experience of people around me) this is not always the case. In fact, I believe most men don’t loose interest in their wife JUST because she got old. What do you think men(those old enough, of course ), am I right here? An average looking 50 year old who loves having sex with you is better than a 20 year old supermodel who hates sex. Besides, quite a few older women still look pretty nice.
soserious1 Posted July 28, 2008 Posted July 28, 2008 An average looking 50 year old who loves having sex with you is better than a 20 year old supermodel who hates sex. Besides, quite a few older women still look pretty nice. Not a view that's shared by my husband. I remember an event we went to where we were the stars of the party, a lot of pictures were taken, he cautioned me that evening that I probably shouldn't bother posting them, "people will tell you that you look great because it's expected of them and to be polite but what they'll really want to see are the pics of the young hotties who attended and conversation will be focused on them" he then became offended because I didn't thank him for his candor and honesty, after all he was only looking out for me, to protect me from insult. The only compliments I ever get are always given with qualifers "You look nice... for a woman of your age" we both know what he REALLY thinks looks nice and it isn't me. Lol, he pulled the "That shirt looks nice" crap the other day.. it looks nice to him because it's long sleeved and high necked,totally covers my nasty old body, I laughed and told him to knock off the BS, we both know that the only thing that he'd think I'd look really nice in would be a coffin I can accept that our sexual life together is over, I can even accept that he can't really control what turns him on physically or what doesn't. What I won't accept is the idea that I'm supposed to just quietly acknowledge and live with this reality but I'm not supposed to verbally acknowledge it or be open about it and am supposed to act as if everything is wonderful and I'm happy and content. The funny thing about all of this is that after awhile you become almost numb to it, it's tiresome, like beating a dead horse.
Jennifer26 Posted July 28, 2008 Posted July 28, 2008 What I won't accept is the idea that I'm supposed to just quietly acknowledge and live with this reality but I'm not supposed to verbally acknowledge it or be open about it and am supposed to act as if everything is wonderful and I'm happy and content. Absolutely not! You should vocalize all of this to your husband. It might make a difference, it might not. Perhaps divorce is the only answer here. As much as I hate divorce, and I think too many people rush to do it when marriage hits some bumps in the road. Give it your all to fix this, and if it fails, walk away. Life is too short to feel the way you're feeling and I can guarantee you there is a man out there who would appreciate and love you for who you are. An update on my own sitation: My husband is continuing counseling and has admitted he has a problem and cannot control himself with the porn. He is coming out with more and more as to why he thinks this is. I am happy he is opening up to me about some things that are very difficult for him, and I think we're headed in the right direction now. Last week was pretty ugly. I found porn and got mad, he walked out and said he was leaving me. Not because I was in the wrong, but because he felt terrible and said he doesn't know why he can't stop. Why he is risking our marriage (he says he loves me so much and he doesn't want to hurt me) and hurting me for this. He admitted the problem. I told him to come home, and to lets keep working at this. I pointed out that I shouldn't be monitoring him so closely (being controlling) and that I am happy he is opening up to me and going to counseling. This is the most positive I have felt about the future of our marriage for sometime.
Jersey Shortie Posted July 28, 2008 Posted July 28, 2008 Pretty much all the literature on depression from the medical profession disagrees. No one chooses to be depressed. His wife has been a horrendous harridan for 2 decades, THAT is the cause of his depression. If you were in a similar situation, I doubt you would hold yourself responsible after 20 years of abuse. I'm not sure what "medical literature" you are reading but I have never read one piece of literature on depression that said the cause of someone's depressiontion was another person. There are things that other people do that can make you happy or unhappy but ultimately you are in incharge of your state of mind. And yes, I doubt that I wouldn't not be depressed if I was in a horrible marriage situation for 20 years. But so often women blame themselves or men blame women for their lack of erection, and that just isn't fair. A man's ED is first his problem to deal with, and his wife's problem to help him with it.
angryyoungman70 Posted July 28, 2008 Posted July 28, 2008 I'm not sure what "medical literature" you are reading but I have never read one piece of literature on depression that said the cause of someone's depressiontion was another person. There are things that other people do that can make you happy or unhappy but ultimately you are in incharge of your state of mind. And yes, I doubt that I wouldn't not be depressed if I was in a horrible marriage situation for 20 years. But so often women blame themselves or men blame women for their lack of erection, and that just isn't fair. A man's ED is first his problem to deal with, and his wife's problem to help him with it. I agree...to a point. If a man's wife gave him an untimatum, such as "Go on antidepressants or move out", and said drugs had an adverse effect on the man's "member" where he never ONCE had that issue before (and subsequently, this issue was listed as a possible side effect from taking the drug), then please tell me how the wife is not at least partially responsible?
soserious1 Posted July 28, 2008 Posted July 28, 2008 Absolutely not! You should vocalize all of this to your husband. It might make a difference, it might not. Perhaps divorce is the only answer here. As much as I hate divorce, and I think too many people rush to do it when marriage hits some bumps in the road. Give it your all to fix this, and if it fails, walk away. Life is too short to feel the way you're feeling and I can guarantee you there is a man out there who would appreciate and love you for who you are. This is the most positive I have felt about the future of our marriage for sometime. I'm of the mind that once you're reduced to sitting in a therapist's office talking about sex instead of at home having some that the physical relationship is dead in the water. No amount of therapy will make me 25 again or give me the kind of looks and body that incites lust within my husband.There's also nothing a therapist can say that will make me view my husband's offer to provide me with occasional sex as a service out of his love for my other qualities as anything more than pity sex, which I reject totally and for all time. All that's left is to figure out how is if we can rebuild to the status of at least being good friends and if not how to co-exist, pleasantly and in a civil manner in the same house as we each pursue our own lives. I am glad though that you feel hopeful and I hope that couple's work brings you both closer.
Jersey Shortie Posted July 29, 2008 Posted July 29, 2008 I agree...to a point. If a man's wife gave him an untimatum, such as "Go on antidepressants or move out", and said drugs had an adverse effect on the man's "member" where he never ONCE had that issue before (and subsequently, this issue was listed as a possible side effect from taking the drug), then please tell me how the wife is not at least partially responsible? You speak as if the man doesn't have a mind of his own or free will. Even if his wife gave him such an untimatum, he is ultimately the last say in what he does with his body. If she did give him such an untimatum and he followed through with it and went on antidepressants, and they found that it did give him ED, then they need to talk about it and work out a solution.
michelangelo Posted July 29, 2008 Posted July 29, 2008 Then continue your reading. Look up the term: Reactive Depression. Happens all the time. I'm not sure what "medical literature" you are reading but I have never read one piece of literature on depression that said the cause of someone's depressiontion was another person. There are things that other people do that can make you happy or unhappy but ultimately you are in incharge of your state of mind. And yes, I doubt that I wouldn't not be depressed if I was in a horrible marriage situation for 20 years. But so often women blame themselves or men blame women for their lack of erection, and that just isn't fair. A man's ED is first his problem to deal with, and his wife's problem to help him with it.
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