My new(born again Christian) sort of Girlfriend is really getting on my nerves!

[Tomcat33]

I think the idea of 69 or BJ's , 3 am sex , swallowing , sex role play , pure FUN with sex , is NOT going to happen....bleh...

 

 

Yeah but some guys really get off on trying to conquer women who won't do these kinds of things and then do.

[Tomcat33]

No, It's too late to walk away.

This situation will be played out on Monday(or Tuesday).

I want to see what will be revealed when we meet.

 

 

For SURE don't walk away now that would be totally foolish.

 

Two things Balt, I just read your last updates.

Generally I like to take it slow in relationships and HATE being rushed, it will get you nowhere with me so don't bother it'll backfire (I don't express as harshly as that but in my playful way I make that clear to a guy) . But when I am really into a guy dispite taking it slow I am more responsive to physical contact and definitely want to kiss and have more of a romantic connection when on dates. In the event that there has been guys I was not 100% sold on ie I really enjoyed their company, intellectually they were really stimulating and they made me laugh and we could talk about anything and everything non stop, there was still something off that chemistry was not 100% clicking for me, could be physical could just his body language or some things he said etc. SO in those cases I wanted to take it super slow, ie no kissing no romatic gestures, just test out the waters to see if I could feel that spark enough to want more. But this does not go past 3 dates TOPS let's say I typically won't need more than that if I am on the fence to decide this will happen or not. But this idea that this woman wants to just hang out as friends not even a kiss and wants to keep seeing you but taking it super slow and you have dated her quite a few times already seems kind of odd to me. Granted I am not religious so that might play into it.

 

The other thing is, this thing she wants to tell you about her could be she wants to share stuff about her past relationship and why she needs to take it slow, also could be she's on the fence with you because you are not religious. Anyway no point speculating we could be here all night, you will know soon enough what those things are.

 

Now what will you do if she tells you her concern is that you have no interest in Christianity?

[Angel1111]

I would say that her beliefs play into this a great deal. But, on the other hand, if she's that into her faith, it would seem that she'd date someone who shared her beliefs. So, I don't know about that for sure. It doesn't seem to add up.

 

As far as her not calling you, I don't think there's anything strange about that and I don't think it means she's not interested. She's probably just someone who doesn't believe in pursuing a man - and she thinks picking up the phone is pursuing him.

 

What I notice the most here is that you don't say one word about having any feelings for her, or any attraction. Maybe you're assuming that we understand that but I'm just curious why there's an absence of that. Just a lot of talk about your actions - holding hands, kissing her cheek, etc. Are you really attracted to her? If not, don't waste your time because someone who's religious usually is looking for a husband and won't casually date or have sex.

[Tomcat33]

What I notice the most here is that you don't say one word about having any feelings for her, or any attraction. Maybe you're assuming that we understand that but I'm just curious why there's an absence of that. Just a lot of talk about your actions - holding hands, kissing her cheek, etc. Are you really attracted to her? If not, don't waste your time because someone who's religious usually is looking for a husband and won't casually date or have sex.

 

 

He's talked alot about that actually. Don't think you've read the thread.

[Angel1111]

He's talked alot about that actually. Don't think you've read the thread.

 

No, I didn't. Ok, I'll shut up now.

[Myst]

#1 I told yall so. Religious people = Martians. Run.

 

#2 Not before this mexican telenovela of a story winds up, I'm starting to think he's making it up to entertain us guys (because it it fiendishly entertaining!)

 

I agree with both comments. I have some religious friends and this girl seems very similiar to them. Balthazar really should find another girl. If shes as strongly religious as he makes her sound to be, im pretty sure shes not gonna change for him. These religious ppl are quite firm on their beliefs. When I read that Balthazar tried to explain his feelings to her, she barely acknowledged she understood and then came back on where she stood. She wasnt listening to him. Typical religious ppl.

 

Yes i do have a slight feeling that he may be making up or exagerrating some bits of his stories. Who knows. All i know, ppl like her really do exist though.

 

Find yourself another girl. You're better off, you're just wasting your time Balthazar.

[Balthazar]

Again, thanks for all the input.

 

What really stuck in my mind after coffee on Saturday was when she mentioned that she didn't know about my feelings, as if I had NEVER talked to her about how I felt.

 

All this after I had sent her asn Email where I tell her exactly how I felt about her!

At that moment(on Saturday), I thought:

Where has this girl's mind been on our last dates?

 

Anyway, all will be revealed(or will remain hidden) tomorrow.

This woman may be a waste of time, but , presently, I have time to waste.

 

 

Final Note:

I wonder if she knows(or assumes) that I have been dating other women during the last 3 weeks or so?

Which I have....

 

CHeers,

[Geishawhelk]

...Are you going to tell her, whether she asks or not?

 

Do you suppose she's dated other guys since her encounters with you?

 

Just a question....

[Balthazar]

If she asks, I will answer truthfully.

 

As for her dating other guys, she keeps on making it a point to tell me she does stuff with her female friends.

She never mentions any other guys, which does not actually mean anything; you never can tell with these things.

[Balthazar]

FINAL UPDATE

Joanne called last Tuesday to ask if we could meet up later on in the week as a cousin of hers was visiting from out of town.

 

* IMO a weak excuse not to meet- she was obviously stalling for time but I was adamant to hear what she was going to say, so we agree to communicate on Friday to go out and talk.

 

She calls on Friday(girlish voice, flirtatious) and tells me she is out of town.

WTF?

I tell her I will call back in a few minutes and I start to sort things out in my head.

 

We were supposed to go out and she just up and left town for a 4 day trip?

Is that how much she cares about seeing me and talking about our issues?

At that point I feel like a complete jerk and all feelings I had for this woman immediately turn sour.

 

I call her up and IMO, calmly, tell her that I won't continue with this situation.

I have done all I could to approach her, but it is obvious that she is making absolutely no effort on her part.

 

She retorts that she had told me what her dating situation was, but I respond by reminding her that I gave her every opportunity to bail on us the previous Saturday.

I also remind her that "she" is the one who had asked to see me again and talk things over.

 

In any case, my decision is final as I cannot continue when I see no light ahead.

 

She sounded disappointed, but I wish her a good summer and I'll see her in September(we have some job-related connections, but we don't really affect each other).

 

She texts me about 30 minutes later saying she is sorry for the trouble and the delays. She says it wasn't her plan for things to turn out this way, nor was this the expected result.

 

My thoughts on this SMS was that this was -typically- a "JOANNE" response. Impersonal and without feeling.

 

I text her back stating to forget the whole thing. It was my fault too in that I continued to pursue her despite all the ambivalence.

I finish by stating that our friend Maria was correct when she told me to forget about her(Joanne).

I end by saying that it all is Ok between us, time to meet new people and make a new start.

 

No response from her.

I called Maria a few days later and we talked a bit about the matter.

She repeated that she had advised me to forget about Joanne.

Maria believes that Joanne's excuses for not wanting a relationship are nonsensical.

Maria is also religious and says that religion has never stopped her from being with a man she wants. Furthermore, she doesn't buy into the idea that Joanne is hurt from her previous relationship.

She brought us together because she thought we had similar goals and outlooks on life.

Generally, Maria is very critical of Joanne, believing that she strung me along(for about a month) without having any actual feelings or a desire to pursue anything further.

 

Final thoughts

 

Was I wrong in pursuing Joanne?

The final result would certainly show I was.

 

I made the cardinal mistake of selectively listening to Joanne's words and disregarding her actions.

 

First, I bought into the whole "religion" issue and how a religious person may be different in a relationship.

But that is all BS.

Joanne is just a woman who wants to live a free summer. Free to go wherever she wants, meet new people and do anything she wants without the constraints of a relationship.

 

Why did she not cut me loose last Saturday during our coffee session?

 

I believe she liked the attention I was giving her; attention that she loves and which supports her ego after the failed relationship she was in.

Finally, she wanted me on the back burner in case she changed her mind and wanted to pursue a relationship with me(not likely, but a possibility).

 

For my part, I am done with her.

 

DO I regret my actions?

 

Well, I regret not sticking to my tenet that you must notice what a woman DOES, not what she SAYS.

In my defense, I had had little experience with religious women and I believed they truly might be different in their reactions.

I felt I could warm Joanne up with a show of attention and affection.

I chose to disregard the fact that ,while religious, Joanne is ,above all, a 31 year old modern woman raised in these times.

And modern women are usually NOT shy or meek when they like a guy.

Things with them will happen quickly, or not at all.

 

I should have bailed when , on our 3rd date, I tried to kiss her and she balked.

 

Woe to us when we do not follow our own rules!

 

Anyway, my feelings for Joanne have subsided considerably and her actions have definitely changed these feelings.

I will continue my dating efforts and will try to remain true to my beliefs in the future(without exception).

[Lovelybird]

sorry to hear what happened. But I think your response was quite good when she changed plan. seems like you keep good boundaries.

 

First, I bought into the whole "religion" issue and how a religious person may be different in a relationship.

But that is all BS.

that depends on how mature she is in Lord

 

anyway, Good luck

[Geishawhelk]

I believe she liked the attention I was giving her; attention that she loves and which supports her ego after the failed relationship she was in.

Finally, she wanted me on the back burner in case she changed her mind and wanted to pursue a relationship with me(not likely, but a possibility).

 

 

And this is what I said in post #26:

 

No, I get it.

What she's basically telling you is:

Hang around buster, until I'm ready to say 'yes'. Until then, back off until I whistle."

 

Amen.

 

I think the "Goodnight, Joanne" was the best line you could have used!

 

Next time: Listen to us! It will save you a whole lot of aggro!!

[Balthazar]

Thanks for your responses

 

Ladybird: Yes, I had to keep a boundary or risk losing my integrity, my dignity as a person.

There is nothing wrong in courting a woman you have feelings for, but it becomes undignified when you are doing all the work and the other person not reciprocating in the least.

That's when you become a doormat, and I am experienced enough not to let that happen.

As for her religious convictions, I think she used them as an excuse to avoid intimacy.

 

Geishawalk: Your words were wise and with hindsight, completely true.

Unfortunately, when you have emotions for a certain lady, judgment is impaired and my feelings skewed my evaluation of Joanne's actions.

 

Thanks for the input, it is appreciated

[Jilly Bean]

I think your post-mortem is spot-on, B. I think you have put in the time to full understand your role, her role, and what your take-away is.

 

I think it was great that you were committed to pursuing her, even though her actions were not encouraging. Nothing wrong with that, and at least now you can walk away knowing you did EVERYTHING you could to try and make it work.

 

Plus, I'm really glad we finally got rid of that pesky Joanne. Now that we are both single, I can continue hitting on you with abandon.

[elaina]

I would say that her beliefs play into this a great deal. But, on the other hand, if she's that into her faith, it would seem that she'd date someone who shared her beliefs. So, I don't know about that for sure. It doesn't seem to add up.

 

If not, don't waste your time because someone who's religious usually is looking for a husband and won't casually date or have sex.

 

I agree with Angel here... I think it's for the best you walk away Balthazar and to me it seems it's actually a good thing that she's not all that interested. Just cause she's "religous" doesn't mean that she doesn't love sex, (people can be very spiritual and also very sensual) but if she takes her faith seriously, it does mean that she's looking for more than just sex. Many Christians want to wait till marriage and have a life-long commitment to their loved one.

 

If that's not what you want then it could bring a lot of heartache and problems later on to both of you, yeah?

 

I've dated a Muslim man and a Hindu man (and if there are any Muslim haters out there, there are many wonderful Muslims just as there are many wonderful Atheists and Hindus and Christians and Budhhists and people of any group... generalizing a group of people is wrong cause people are all unique and different.)

 

Anyways, both of these men are very handsome, intelligent, fun, sporty, and yet I am just friends with both of them because we are walking on different paths... and it's hard to walk together in a commitment toward marriage if you're on a different path, yeah?

 

Peace and God bless.

[Mary3]

I will say AGAIN : Actions are Everything !

 

Those who are not conditioned to know that are going to get hurt and delay the process of ending something with someone who's words don't match their actions...

[Balthazar]

I think your post-mortem is spot-on, B. I think you have put in the time to full understand your role, her role, and what your take-away is.

 

I think it was great that you were committed to pursuing her, even though her actions were not encouraging. Nothing wrong with that, and at least now you can walk away knowing you did EVERYTHING you could to try and make it work.

 

Plus, I'm really glad we finally got rid of that pesky Joanne. Now that we are both single, I can continue hitting on you with abandon.

 

 

Yes, it is important to make that effort, and I am emotionally mature enough to withstand the consequences without much difficulty.

 

As for your last comment, er..um.. can we like uh...er.....um... have dinner sometime?

By the way, you're not religious are you?

[Balthazar]

Elaine: Her religion was not the problem; for that I am certain. She never even bothered to properly explain how her beliefs affect her life and us.

 

The problem was her indifference about us.

 

Mary3: Actions ARE everything, and under normal circumstances, I would have bailed early.

However, I gave her the benefit of the doubt due to the presence of her "religious convictions"

 

Thanks for the input,

[Mary3]

Elaine: Her religion was not the problem; for that I am certain. She never even bothered to properly explain how her beliefs affect her life and us.

 

The problem was her indifference about us.

 

Mary3: Actions ARE everything, and under normal circumstances, I would have bailed early.

However, I gave her the benefit of the doubt due to the presence of her "religious convictions"

 

Thanks for the input,

 

I meant that in the kindest way.....

[Geishawhelk]

Before the Actions come the words, before the words come the thoughts.

Thoughts may even skip or bypass words, and transform directly into Actions:

 

So before anything happens - it's the thought that counts.

 

Oh, to be a gremlin in Joanne's head....!