Jump to content

My new(born again Christian) sort of Girlfriend is really getting on my nerves!

Balthazar

By Balthazar
in Dating

 Share
While the thread author can add an update and reopen discussion, this thread was last posted in over a month ago. Want to continue the conversation? Feel free to start a new thread instead!

Recommended Posts

elaina Established Member

elaina

Posted
Posted

When the real thing happens, it requires none of those things.

 

 

I like that - that's true! :)

 

Belthazar, I think it's good though that she talked to you about how she was feeling, yeah? And you know, it would be very helpful if ya'll could just be friends during this time, cause she sounds like she has had a difficult time in relationships and it sounds like that's what motivated her to turn to God. Many people when they are having relationship difficulties will turn to alchohol, drugs, you name it, and I do think it's wonderful that she turned to God and is taking her relationship with Him seriously!

 

It's also wonderful that you support her and have been very respectful it sounds like of her as a woman and of her beliefs. That shows that you have a lot of integrity and I'm sure she appreciates that, cause there are many men out there who don't care about the person or their beliefs, but just care for themselves and about getting laid.

 

Anyways, I hope you find a woman who suits you better and I do think you did right in letting her go, cause she isn't ready and also it would be difficult later on if ya'll both fell in love and then ya'll got married if there are differences in beliefs... the mental traveler said something that is true...

 

Quote of Mental Traveler:

"My personal opinion is that it's utter insanity to expect something serious to work out if someone is really into their religion and you are not of the same beliefs and conviction."

 

Marriage has a lot of challenges and having differences in beliefs make the challenges a lot bigger.

 

The blur wrote something funny which is not true but I suppose is just his opinion...

 

Quote of The Blur:

"See? These people are like Martians, the best thing you can do is RUN (not walk) the other way. Religion is a poison and religious people think sex is evil and dirty. This is not a way to have a healthy sexual relationship and their divorce rate proves that. It really does mess people up and the more serious they are about it the worse they get ..."

 

Blur, have you ever met a Martian? Lol :p Sure I think it's very good that you don't date Christian girls, cause obviously you hate them so why date someone whose beliefs you despise? That would be weird. About divorce... divorce happens in every belief group including atheists, and many married couples who do not get divorced suffer from unhappy marriages, which is just as sad...including atheists... just being an Atheist or a Christian or Buddhist or any belief does not make a person happy either individually or as a couple...

 

Religon doesn't make a person happy... it's the relationship(s) that do... like one's relationship with God for example and one's relationship with oneself... both are important and I suppose for people who don't believe in God, it still is the case that if you are not happy with yourself, it's really hard to be happy with someone else., and yeah happy with... nobody should depend on any other person to make them happy... that's why many marriages end in divorce actually I think, regardless of the people's beliefs.

  • Author
Balthazar Established Member

Balthazar

Posted
  • Author
Posted
I like that - that's true! :)

 

 

Anyways, I hope you find a woman who suits you better and I do think you did right in letting her go, cause she isn't ready and also it would be difficult later on if ya'll both fell in love and then ya'll got married if there are differences in beliefs... the mental traveler said something that is true...

 

Quote of Mental Traveler:

"My personal opinion is that it's utter insanity to expect something serious to work out if someone is really into their religion and you are not of the same beliefs and conviction."

 

Marriage has a lot of challenges and having differences in beliefs make the challenges a lot bigger.

 

 

 

I agree Elina, Open Book's statement rings true.

When two people are into each other, very little will stand in their way.

 

Concerning out differences, they weren't many.

The only difference is that Joanne is a practicing Christian while I am not.

However, our core beliefs and the way we grew up are the same.

 

Anyway, I think it's back to decadence for me;).

the_blur Member

the_blur

Posted
Posted
The blur wrote something funny which is not true but I suppose is just his opinion...

 

Blur, have you ever met a Martian? Lol :p Sure I think it's very good that you don't date Christian girls, cause obviously you hate them so why date someone whose beliefs you despise?

 

I don't hate anyone, just their beliefs, I hate the sin, not the sinner.

 

That would be weird. About divorce... divorce happens in every belief group including atheists, and many married couples who do not get divorced suffer from unhappy marriages, which is just as sad...including atheists... just being an Atheist or a Christian or Buddhist or any belief does not make a person happy either individually or as a couple...

 

 

I'm not sure which part you were referring to when you said that my statement was untrue, here is a link to the text of the report I got my info from:

 

http://www.adherents.com/largecom/baptist_divorce.html

 

This is an extract from the Barna Research Group's 2000 study on divorce:

 

The Barna Research Group's national study showed that members of nondenominational churches divorce 34 percent of the time in contrast to 25 percent for the general population. Nondenominational churches would include large numbers of Bible churches and other conservative evangelicals. Baptists had the highest rate of the major denominations: 29 percent. Born-again Christians' rate was 27 percent. To make matters even more distressing for believers, atheists/agnostics had the lowest rate of divorce 21 percent.

 

So, I was right. But decent of you to call me on it and make me produce evidence, that's what we all should do when confronted with someone who makes unsubstantiated claims.

Geishawhelk Established Member

Geishawhelk

Posted
Posted
I just being an Atheist or a Christian or Buddhist or any belief does not make a person happy either individually or as a couple...

 

.....Religon doesn't make a person happy..

 

I hate to disagree with you, but actually, being a Buddhist can make uyou one of the hapiest people in the world....

 

But when I came across some Buddhist monks, they were the happiest people I’d ever seen.

 

From here

 

And -

 

US neuroscientists have declared him the happiest man they have ever tested. Now Matthieu Ricard, Buddhist monk and confidant of the Dalai Lama, has written a book revealing his secret.

 

from here

 

and finally,

Scientists believe that the Buddhists are the happiest people in the world. Scientists have now shown areas of the brain that are associated with positive states of mind. Studies lead by Dr. Richard Davidson, of the University of Wisconsin has found that Buddhist meditators are able to activate these areas during and after meditation. In other studies, scientists at the University of California have shown that the practice of Buddhist meditation makes individuals able to deal with fear and anger much better.

 

from here

 

Just wanted to point that out.

 

Nothing against any other religion at all.

But you did mention Buddhism, so I thought I'd respond from a Buddhist point of view.

 

Thank you.

Geishawhelk Established Member

Geishawhelk

Posted
Posted

I apologise if the above post appears to be off-topic, but actually, I would venture to suggest it isn't.

 

because I also think that one of the reasons Joanne seemed so non-committal is perhaps because she was extremely confused.

 

Balthazar:

Just in a nutshell:

 

She definitely felt attracted to you.

She may not be too good at expressing her thoughts, and couldn't put into words what she wanted to say....

 

She feels drawn to you, but was fighting carnal feelings, because Christianity places some degee of emphasis on self-control - not to say abstinence - when it comes to sex before marriage.

Lust is considered a Sin, so maybe she was fighting conflicting impressions within herself....

 

Maybe what she wanted to say to you was "Yes, I want a relationship, but I want you to respect my ('new-found') religious conviction, and do you think you could wait a while before we hit the sack?"

 

depending on a girl's background, she might have felt awkward mentioning the s-e-x word....

Especially if she's now trying to cultivate a Godly mind-set....

 

I'm just burbling here...

But my other point is that Christianity is punitive with regard to sinning.

Fornication as has been mentioned, is considered a sin.

More unfairly, women are seen as the perpetuation of carnal and original sin. Women, to put it bluntly, carry the can.... Blame Eve for that....

 

There is no Sin in Buddhism.

 

That's one of the reasons we're so happy.... :laugh:

Mary3 Established Member

Mary3

Posted
Posted

Lust is a Sin ? I am in BIG trouble :):eek:

MJTig Established Member

MJTig

Posted
Posted

 

I expect a kiss on date 1, a nice make out session on date 2 and the works on date 3, neither of us is getting any younger and if there is chemistry that should not be a problem.

 

If a girl takes longer than that to respond to my advances, it's a sign that there's a problem (she's not into me).

 

I am glad I am not dating anymore if guys expect sex after 3 dates now, whatever happened to getting to know each other? Maybe a girl takes it slow because she likes you and doesn't want to get caught in the "too soon=only for sex, too late=prude" trap we get stuck in.

 

Some people don't feel like dropping trou and getting busy that soon. If you don't like that, well then- you are not right for each other.

 

Now, no kiss at all after 5 dates, then I would be concerned.

the_blur Member

the_blur

Posted
Posted
I am glad I am not dating anymore if guys expect sex after 3 dates now, whatever happened to getting to know each other? Maybe a girl takes it slow because she likes you and doesn't want to get caught in the "too soon=only for sex, too late=prude" trap we get stuck in.

 

 

Hehe, I don't believe in the "too soon = only for sex" thing so I am unaffected by that, as far as the rest of your post, it's a guideline, not a deadline, so the terms are negotiable =)

InLimbo2 Established Member

InLimbo2

Posted
Posted

Only if you believe this silly concept of 'sin'.

 

Lust is a Sin ? I am in BIG trouble :):eek:
  • Author
Balthazar Established Member

Balthazar

Posted
  • Author
Posted
I apologise if the above post appears to be off-topic, but actually, I would venture to suggest it isn't.

 

because I also think that one of the reasons Joanne seemed so non-committal is perhaps because she was extremely confused.

 

Balthazar:

Just in a nutshell:

 

She definitely felt attracted to you.

She may not be too good at expressing her thoughts, and couldn't put into words what she wanted to say....

 

She feels drawn to you, but was fighting carnal feelings, because Christianity places some degee of emphasis on self-control - not to say abstinence - when it comes to sex before marriage.

Lust is considered a Sin, so maybe she was fighting conflicting impressions within herself....

 

Maybe what she wanted to say to you was "Yes, I want a relationship, but I want you to respect my ('new-found') religious conviction, and do you think you could wait a while before we hit the sack?"

 

depending on a girl's background, she might have felt awkward mentioning the s-e-x word....

Especially if she's now trying to cultivate a Godly mind-set....

 

 

I could accept what you are saying Geisha(and I would like to because it means I could patch things up:)), IF I had actually pressured her for sex.

 

You see, the only action I took that may have been too forward was to invite her on a 2 day trip. It may have been too much, too soon and sex may have been implied as we would have stayed at a hotel overnight. However, this was not my intention(really!), and as I previously stated, I can't imagine a woman with any interest in a man whatsoever, letting him go after such a trifling matter.

 

Joanne may be religious, but I am not certain if she is quite THAT religious.

 

CHeers,

imbewildered Established Member

imbewildered

Posted
Posted

Anyway, the woman(Joanne,30) had broken up, and a common friend(Maria,35) let me in on her newly single status. Actually, she had broken up in March but I didn't find out till late May.

 

 

Balty, ole boy - you were "rebound guy " - pure and simple . You gave her some good feelings about her attractiveness after her recent breakup.

That is what rebound guys do if they are gullible enough to be recruited.

 

Secondly she has only low interest in you .. The evidence is in the timid ways that she responded to you physically. She also did not initiate . THat means LOW interest .

 

Thirdly, religious people commonly hide in their religion and it's sanctuary when life gets sticky. Much like many women hide in their family of origin when their LTR breaks up.

 

Then she gets the urge to distance herself even more from you when she senses that you are sticking around and you might want her to act like a grown up who is heading towards a relationship - THat is time to bail for the scaredy cats..

 

I cannot recall - did she use that old crock on you about "not being ready for a relationship " ??

 

However, you really only made two mistakes .

 

1. You dated a "breakup chick" ...this is a guarantee of being used for validation while she gets her ego back on the burner.

 

2.. You did not lead the dates and you showed little confidence in yourself as an exciting and fun guy whom she was lucky to date...and you showed no dominance - you allowed HER fears and emotional needs to set the pace . You worked in her frame. BAD ! YOu did not take charge and gently push her though her fears . YOu could have at least KISSED her with some passion and caused her knees to tremble a bit, and raised her emotional tone by doing do. THat may have started her motor..instead she kind of ran out of gas.

 

Go slap yourself - and do better with the next contender, PLEASE !

 

Yeh, I know I am harsh and insensitive and not a very nice guy who knows zip about dating and have no clue about what women wan.Oh, and I am a playa and a jerk too, no doubt ( I just saved some of you the trouble to type that cra*p in reply ...see how thoughtful I am ?)

  • Author
Balthazar Established Member

Balthazar

Posted
  • Author
Posted

 

1. You dated a "breakup chick" ...this is a guarantee of being used for validation while she gets her ego back on the burner.

 

2.. You did not lead the dates and you showed little confidence in yourself as an exciting and fun guy whom she was lucky to date...and you showed no dominance - you allowed HER fears and emotional needs to set the pace . You worked in her frame. BAD ! YOu did not take charge and gently push her though her fears . YOu could have at least KISSED her with some passion and caused her knees to tremble a bit, and raised her emotional tone by doing do. THat may have started her motor..instead she kind of ran out of gas.

 

Go slap yourself - and do better with the next contender, PLEASE !

 

Yeh, I know I am harsh and insensitive and not a very nice guy who knows zip about dating and have no clue about what women wan.Oh, and I am a playa and a jerk too, no doubt ( I just saved some of you the trouble to type that cra*p in reply ...see how thoughtful I am ?)

 

 

First, I don't believe the rebound rule to be etched in stone bewildered.

 

Second, the kiss was not going to happen. I used a lot of the stuff to get Joanne comfortable, it just wasn't working. I would have had to force a kiss on her, which is never a good idea.

 

As for your reply, don't worry. I can take the heat. My own posts on LS adopt a hard line approach towards dating. I am out there saying the same stuff you are saying to me.

 

CHeers,

imbewildered Established Member

imbewildered

Posted
Posted

 

I used a lot of the stuff to get Joanne comfortable, it just wasn't working.

 

Yeah, I feel ya, dog. However you know that COMFORT never gets the girl UNLESS you have created attraction FIRST by stimulating her emotions.

 

Comfort before attraction is the short route to the FZone.

 

I want a FR after your next mission, Balty .

Geishawhelk Established Member

Geishawhelk

Posted
Posted
I could accept what you are saying Geisha(and I would like to because it means I could patch things up:)), IF I had actually pressured her for sex.

 

 

Maybe that's the point... Maybe she made assumptions about what you would want, and after all isn't it what all guys want..... these crass assumptions are the undoing of both men AND women...

"Yes, but I thought...."

"Well I thought you meant...."

"Oh! I didn't realise! I'd understood that you meant.....!"

 

It's her problem, I'm not suggesting this is anything to do with you... But you called her a 'Born again Christian' so I'm just wildly guessing here (and maybe falling into my own trap! :D ) that even though she may have been previously not prudish, maybe her new found sense of christianity and religious-ness, is what's making her make these assumptions, and is further, confusing her own mind about what she should or shouldn't do, and feel or shouldn't feel....

 

So maybe the pressure for sex, and the holding back, is ALL a construct of her own mind....

 

That's what I meant....

 

Thanks for replying.

I'm also not suggesting you should try again, if you don't want to. If she was really that much hard work to begin with, it's tough to think a relationship should start off with counselling, compromise and making allowances - ! Who needs to work that hard - ?!

  • Author
Balthazar Established Member

Balthazar

Posted
  • Author
Posted

 

Thanks for replying.

I'm also not suggesting you should try again, if you don't want to. If she was really that much hard work to begin with, it's tough to think a relationship should start off with counselling, compromise and making allowances - ! Who needs to work that hard - ?!

 

You know, I don't mind the hard work, and you always appreciate what you work for, but on the other hand, you always want to be with someone you will return your feelings Geisha.

 

I will contact her in couple of weeks for a work related issue. We will see how we both feel at that time.

 

By the way, I called her a born again Christian because she was born on, then stopped practicing as a young adult, then turned to the church in 2004(age 26) after a difficult time in her life.

 

CHeers,

  • Author
Balthazar Established Member

Balthazar

Posted
  • Author
Posted

UPDATE

 

So, I sent Joanne an email yesterday.

In a nutshell, I tell her that there are feelings between us; I feel it and I am pretty sure she does too.

 

Then I tell her that we should just take things one day at a time see where it leads us.

 

She emails me back, saying I touched her and that I understood things about her despite not knowing her too well.

 

She is out of town for a few days, but we will be in contact early next week.

 

My thoughts

 

The email resulted in us getting through to each other after a rather cold week. I sent it because I could tell during our last contact that she was expecting something from me.

The problem is that we are now working within her time frame, not mine.

 

Finally, I have set up a date with a cute young lady(Georgia) tomorrow.

We had been planning to go out some time now but Joanne happened along the way.

 

I think Georgia can help me relax and have a good time. I think another woman will help me put the other situation in perspective.

 

In any case, things seem to be returning to normal!:)

imbewildered Established Member

imbewildered

Posted
Posted
UPDATE

 

 

Finally, I have set up a date with a cute young lady(Georgia) tomorrow.

We had been planning to go out some time now but Joanne happened along the way.

 

I think Georgia can help me relax and have a good time. I think another woman will help me put the other situation in perspective.

 

In any case, things seem to be returning to normal!:)

 

Now you are cooking. Make that chick laugh and she is yours.

  • 2 weeks later...
  • Author
Balthazar Established Member

Balthazar

Posted
  • Author
Posted

Update

 

I emailed Joanne about a 8-9 days ago and ,in a nutshell, told I am willing to give us a try if she is.

 

She emailed back saying she would be on a working vacation for a few days. She was supposed to return yesterday, but she hasn't yet(I guess she has extended her vacation a bit).

 

Anyway , she started to send me messages via Facebook last weekend and we exchanged 2 or 3 messages over the course of a few days.

The messages themselves were quite innocent;nothing heavy was mentioned.

She basically told me she would return on Wednesday(yesterday) and she is relaxing a bit at a friend's house(female friend).

 

However, I decided to put some pressure on Tuesday and instead of text, I sent a facebook gift(budding rose).

Why do this?

I think I needed to show her what my intentions STILL are. There will be no friend-zoning(not if I can help it!).

 

She hasn't replied in any manner since Tuesday.

 

I am basically not thrilled that she has chosen Facebook for our (very limited) communication, but on the other hand, SHE is the one who started communicating again(even if it is only on Facebook).

 

She hasn't return to the city yet, but we will see if she calls me when she does.

 

Any thoughts?

Jilly Bean Established Member

Jilly Bean

Posted
Posted

I think you're putting in a LOT of effort with limited ROI. I'd walk.

 

What happened with Georgia? :)

  • Author
Balthazar Established Member

Balthazar

Posted
  • Author
Posted
I think you're putting in a LOT of effort with limited ROI. I'd walk.

 

What happened with Georgia? :)

 

I went out with Georgia and things got hot and heavy quite soon.

Problem is Georgia made it clear she is interested in a serious relationship with possible wedding bells in the backround.

I decided to carefully tiptoe out the back door. I was just out for some summer fun.

Another problem is that my mind is on Joanne, JillyB! Not a good state to be in....

carhill Established Member

carhill

Posted
Posted

Wanting is always much more exciting than having.... :)

 

No contact with Joanne and re-examine back door issue with Gloria would be my advice. Gloria should be commended for her clear and precise expression of her desires. She didn't say outright that the "serious relationship with possible wedding bells in the backround" would be with you, did she? ;):D

 

This is my strategy. Dating Gloria might help you in two ways. You'll experience an up-front woman who apparently enjoys your company. You might find her to not be as "pushy" R-wise as you apparently perceive at first blush. Also, dating her will make you less available for Joanne, testing her interest.

 

Ah, to be single again :D

 

Have fun!

Jilly Bean Established Member

Jilly Bean

Posted
Posted
I went out with Georgia and things got hot and heavy quite soon.

Problem is Georgia made it clear she is interested in a serious relationship with possible wedding bells in the backround.

I decided to carefully tiptoe out the back door. I was just out for some summer fun.

Another problem is that my mind is on Joanne, JillyB! Not a good state to be in....

 

Why is it that everyone you have one date with wants to marry you? I think it's the 6'2" thing, personally... :D

 

It sucks that Joanne has your heart, considering how challenging this is.

 

B - it really comes down to how hard you are willing to work to win her, or how long you are willing to wait. Only you can answer that. I suspect you think she's worth a LOT of effort and I find that terribly romantic. Makes me crush on you even more! (oops - not about me! lol).

 

I think if you're still so hung-up on Joanne, you have to play it out...

Dark-N-Romantic Established Member

Dark-N-Romantic

Posted
Posted
Why is it that everyone you have one date with wants to marry you? I think it's the 6'2" thing, personally... :D

 

It sucks that Joanne has your heart, considering how challenging this is.

 

B - it really comes down to how hard you are willing to work to win her, or how long you are willing to wait. Only you can answer that. I suspect you think she's worth a LOT of effort and I find that terribly romantic. Makes me crush on you even more! (oops - not about me! lol).

 

I think if you're still so hung-up on Joanne, you have to play it out...

 

I wish I had his problem. Why is it all the guys who aren't ready to get married and have a family winding up with the women that do?

 

 

DNR

carhill Established Member

carhill

Posted
Posted

Opposites attract, DNR :)

 

If you enjoy Star Trek, watch "Night Terrors" (TNG)... great analogy...

  • Author
Balthazar Established Member

Balthazar

Posted
  • Author
Posted
Wanting is always much more exciting than having.... :)

 

Have fun!

 

Too true Carhill!

Georgia is a nice lady; unfortunately, my heart is somewhere else. I don't like it, but it is just the way it is at present.

 

She texted me 5 times in a single day(she is 25).

I think I forgot to mention that Georgia first met me about 2 years ago. She may have had a crush on me.

 

She's a great girl, but I can't date her when I know what her expectations are.

She deserves better than that, and while we don't want to be "nice guys", we don't want a-holes either...

 Share
Go to topic listing
×
×
  • Create New...