Happy2Bsingle Posted June 16, 2008 Posted June 16, 2008 Im a single mum of 2. 5 years ago i split with their dad after i found he was cheating with a so-called mutual friend. After being single for 4 yrs i met a lovely man on a phone chat site, despite living 5b hrs way by train we made a go of our relationship. he started to get to pushy about commitment, so i broke up with him 2 weeks ago. less than 2 weeks ago he txt me to say he had been on a date already!!! the date was only 9 days after we split. It hurts so much that he moved on so quickly, like i ment nothing to him. i do love him, am just ready to commit to him due to past bad experiences. he is still in touch n asks if it bothers me, but i wont say it does as i feel he is doing this to make me jealous!!!
Steffie575 Posted June 16, 2008 Posted June 16, 2008 Same with me.....my ex bf of six years broke up with me and already had someone new. Now theyre getting married. I was sad with the breakup anyways but when I found out that there was someone else involved, the pain was magnified. Im sorry.
carhill Posted June 16, 2008 Posted June 16, 2008 Some people (men in this case) just can't be alone. For men, especially those with high sex drives, the impulsion to couple sexually leads them to go from one women to another in rapid succession. It's just how they "are". In the two cases related, IMO, the dynamic was different, but apparently commitment-related. In the second, did the man want to get married and the woman did not (after six years)?
Steffie575 Posted June 16, 2008 Posted June 16, 2008 Carhill, I think that was directed to me? He and I did plan to get married, then he suddenly broke it off. So I dont know how he could wanna marry the other girl so fast.....
carhill Posted June 16, 2008 Posted June 16, 2008 I'll take a wild guess that, for him, the "high" had faded after six years and he was becoming ambivalent about marriage to you (this may have not been evident to you). The fact that he is intending to get married almost immediately after breaking up speaks volumes to this hypothesis, as he is still currently in the "honeymoon" phase. Of course, he's not married yet Without assigning any "blame", I can say with assurance that, if my wife and I had not gotten married within 18 months of meeting each other, I likely would not have married her, especially not after six years (of our relationship). Certainly not indicative of your dynamic, but it does indicate to me important clues about my own psychology and our compatibility. It's sometimes hard to explain the male perspective so forgive me if I screw it up on occasion
inulg Posted June 17, 2008 Posted June 17, 2008 I'll take a wild guess that, for him, the "high" had faded after six years and he was becoming ambivalent about marriage to you (this may have not been evident to you). The fact that he is intending to get married almost immediately after breaking up speaks volumes to this hypothesis, as he is still currently in the "honeymoon" phase. Of course, he's not married yet Without assigning any "blame", I can say with assurance that, if my wife and I had not gotten married within 18 months of meeting each other, I likely would not have married her, especially not after six years (of our relationship). Certainly not indicative of your dynamic, but it does indicate to me important clues about my own psychology and our compatibility. It's sometimes hard to explain the male perspective so forgive me if I screw it up on occasion aww... reading that makes me sick... probably because i can see that happening to me right now with my ex. I did the 7 yr thing... and the last 3 years... yeah.. lol i did see his ambivilence dwindling... i guess.. like you said.. thats the way men are? sigh.... i wish i knew this 7 years ago...
Steffie575 Posted June 26, 2008 Posted June 26, 2008 sigh.... i wish i knew this 7 years ago...... My thoughts EXACTLY.
kyta Posted June 26, 2008 Posted June 26, 2008 Some people (men in this case) just can't be alone. For men, especially those with high sex drives, the impulsion to couple sexually leads them to go from one women to another in rapid succession. It's just how they "are". Men can only go from woman to woman if all thes women let them so easly, What about the women who go from man to man? some women cant be on there own, my x hates the thought of being on her own, it scares her, thats why she is with some one else within days, and if she doesnt try and get back with me again this time, then she will be with some one else in the not to distant future, it is how she has lived all her life, from 1 to another, i met her when she was ending her 13 yr relationship, yes i did see the red flags, new it wasnt rite, new we prob wouldnt work, new she would end up cheating, or at least had feelings, judging by her past history, but from talking to her over a period of time i fell for her, and i do blame myself for all this, and it hurts like hell today, but this is the rite thing for us. So women as well as men can go from person to person, its not jender specific.
carhill Posted June 26, 2008 Posted June 26, 2008 So women as well as men can go from person to person, its not jender specific. Absolutely, hence "Some people (men in this case)". IME, and perhaps that's because I'm male, I've seen it happen far more with women than men, but for different reasons. For the women, it's been security and emotional connection whereas for the men it's been sexually driven. Same dynamic with different reasons and rationalizations. Some people, male or female, have high anxiety being alone, irrespective of a relationship.....
dharris27 Posted June 26, 2008 Posted June 26, 2008 Hey same thing happened here. I knew i could never marry the guy i was dating. I won't go too into it, but he had emotional issues and personality issues that he wasn't willing to work on and well, we had tried for a long time to get things going in a way that I would be happy, since it didn't take much for him to be happy. He was head over heels for me and i was with him at one point. He'd leave cd's at my door for days or write e-mails throughout the night when i broke up with - we broke up a few times. Anyway, in the end he said he felt I would break up with him again and he was scared of loosing me and going through the trama...i was pretty frustrated and i had been giving him signs that we should just call it off. he said he still really loved and liked me. And freaked out as we broke it off. I just felt it was right for both of us, not to involve children in our dynamic. With that came the end of a two year relationship. With a month he was with another girl but still talking to me sometimes via internet, never mentioning her. Now he barely contacts me and they have been together seven months. I see them all the time and he won't even talk to me when he's with her. like nothing ever happened. I've mourned though. And today i can tell you I'm seeing that i will be better one day because i did this. I'll be true to the next person i meet, just as i was with him. How do guys detach so easily? I'm comforted with any reason that has nothing to do with him not valuing me.
carrie3107 Posted June 26, 2008 Posted June 26, 2008 My ex told me that he told his dad never feel guilty of anything you do.. Guess thats why some men move on quicker then others But the same can be said for some women as well.
carhill Posted June 26, 2008 Posted June 26, 2008 How do guys detach so easily? I'm comforted with any reason that has nothing to do with him not valuing me. He was detaching during each breakup. It's a slow process, one that likely started prior to the first breakup and continued through the reconciliations. What he was saying was that he wanted to love you but didn't get that feeling back from you, perhaps due to his "personality and emotional" issues. My speculation is that he was trying to rewind the clock, back to that infatuation high which brought you together, something that is very difficult and elusive to recreate. I call this "faking it to make it" and am guilty of it myself. MC has helped me adopt a healthier and more honest discourse with my wife about how I feel in this regard. He's in that infatuation period with his new lady. You're now just a distant, disinteresting memory. If you did not have a long friendship prior to romance, you likely mean as much to him as any other person on the street, as there was nothing left for him after the romantic love died. I call this "polite disinterest". I can envision such with my W if we D. It's how I view all the women I dated in the past. They're people, valuable as humans, but nothing beyond that for me. I'm sure that's how they view me as well. Just another guy. Hope that helps
dharris27 Posted June 26, 2008 Posted June 26, 2008 Wow, you are a really thoughtful poster. I think Carhill, that's the best thing i've heard yet. And i think you are absolutely right. Slightly contrary though, I think we probably grew more attached to each other every time we did get together because each time it was longer and much better and more long term promises were made, but other than that you're right on. And yes, I think he was trying to rewind the clock though, but only to convince me that the high he was still on could still exist for me as well, as long as i would just go back there with him. He wanted me to be the one who loved him and I couldn't so he did what was best for us and finally let me go. This other girl is head over hills for him, it's obvious she's super into him so i guess it's even more natural he'd flock immediately to someone who'd offer the acceptance he wished he'd gotten from me. I suppose i should be happy for him. I was oddly happy he did that though, let me go. It proved he loved me and for once was not going to be super selfish. I felt smothered and sometimes felt like i was with him because i loved him as a person and felt really guilty making him miserable by not being with him (I'm not evil though, before the first time we split because he lied to me and acted like a dick about some important things, i thought i would marry him. I felt he threw up red flags way early on though). So, i was the one faking it till i made it. Unfortunatly, i knew way ahead of time it wouldn't make it. If you knew what a talented funny man this guy is, so special, but so childlike in his emotional stability and kind of manipulative - you may understand, I was just so conflicted and loved and liked this guy so much i didn't want to loose him as a friend. We could have been the best of buds i thought. And i think we had become that at first. Guess i did. Guess we might be friends again one day, not bff or anything. His g/f knew me beforehand and us together and she won't even acknowledge me so i don't feel comfortable approaching them although I've tried really hard to be polite. She's 31 so a lot older than me but it seems that she's immature by being so cold and probably wished I'd jump off a cliff and disappear. heh. (sorry i bit off subject, how would someone deal with that though?) I think I need to move on first though and i think it will be another year before we could honestly do that although we try to talk to each other all the time, because we share so many friends, and both get nervous and shut down. There have been days i regret it. But you know, he at 25 and me at 23, not a whole lot of his fundamental personality will change especially since this new girl is super okay with it and well, i shouldn't have to compromise my belief systems and what i need and want in a relationship just to fake it till i make it - with kids, a home, and probably a divorce. I think it just helps to hear someone understand what happened and think it's okay, like you carhill.
carhill Posted June 26, 2008 Posted June 26, 2008 Slightly contrary though, I think we probably grew more attached to each other every time we did get together because each time it was longer and much better and more long term promises were made, but other than that you're right on. Should you have the experience again (breakups and makeups), try to reflect upon how you emotionally compartmentalize the relationship dynamic. I think it's a really interesting and revealing examination. An extreme example of this would be when one partner has an affair and the couple breaks up but later reconciles. Reflecting upon your past R, would you consider the "whys" regarding your above assertion? I think that would be revealing as well. This ties in with my "fake it to make it" theory. It is almost like an artificial reality is created, one not founded in real experience and emotion, and, at some point, if a healthy basis for the reality does not appear, it implodes catastrophically. I liken it to a "warp bubble" (if you like science fiction), an alteration of the space-time continuum; spiritual time/space has always been an interest of mine, though the preceding could (and has been) be viewed as "whacked" by some I think the clear lesson is to view these experiences as positive ones; ones which help us grow and expand our being and humanity. That's the joy in the pain, IMO.
sumdude Posted June 26, 2008 Posted June 26, 2008 aww... reading that makes me sick... probably because i can see that happening to me right now with my ex. I did the 7 yr thing... and the last 3 years... yeah.. lol i did see his ambivilence dwindling... i guess.. like you said.. thats the way men are? sigh.... i wish i knew this 7 years ago... Nah it's the way people are, not just men.... there does seem to be some credence to the whole 7 year itch thing... just ask my ex wife... she's the one who dwindled away..
justaman99 Posted June 27, 2008 Posted June 27, 2008 less than 2 weeks ago he txt me to say he had been on a date already!!! the date was only 9 days after we split. ummm. What kind of person does this? A week after you split you get some stupid text out of the blue that probably says "hi. i have date already". :/ What a scrub. You're better off.
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