catiebug Posted June 16, 2008 Posted June 16, 2008 I've been married for almost two years and have 2 children with my husband. When we met he was married, I found out a couple of months into the relationship that was married (he was not up front about it). There was a divorce between he and his ex (obviously), and now we are married. It was a big to do when his relationship with the ex ended, feelings were hurt, his mother thought I was a home wrecker and it was just a sticky situation for a while. Things have settled down, for the most part I am accepted by his family, and we have these amazingly beautiful children... I am a career woman, work 50 hours a week, work very hard to support my family, only to find out that if things aren't going wonderful or if we haven't had sex in a while, my husband goes on a search for girls to talk to. Mostly on the internet. I know this because I check his email. I have all the passwords to any accounts he has and I check them regularly. I do this because I don't fully trust him. I love him and we get along very well, and I understand the way he is. Because I am like that too. Just not anymore. I have cheated in relationships. But not in this one. And I don't plan on it. I don't keep tabs on him so that I can call him on it, or so I can bust him. I do it because he doesn't communicate with me and I as a person need to know what's going on. Maybe it's a control issue. As far as I know he hasn't cheated on me. I don't know if he would take it that far. It just gets to me that he might be wiling to throw away this marriage too. It has me second guessing our relationship and the decisions I've made to stand by him. It makes me wonder how well I could do without him as my husband. How I would be able to support myself and 2 kids and be a single mom. I just needed to get this off my chest. Any feedback or advice is welcome. Anyone in a similar situation??
TechDude Posted June 16, 2008 Posted June 16, 2008 When we met he was married, I found out a couple of months into the relationship that was married (he was not up front about it). OK, so you know he is capable of cheating ... what makes you think you will do better than his first wife. I am a career woman, work 50 hours a week, work very hard to support my family, ... if things aren't going wonderful or if we haven't had sex in a while, my husband goes on a search for girls to talk to. He has certain needs for intimacy, as do most men. I check his email. I have all the passwords to any accounts he has and I check them regularly. I do this because I don't fully trust him. Lack of trust is not good in a relationship (but then we have the history of his leaving his previous wife). I love him But don't trust him. I understand the way he is. Because I am like that too. OK Just not anymore. I have cheated in relationships. But not in this one. And I don't plan on it. Why is this one different? Should he be able to trust you? If so, why? Doesn't the same apply in reverse? I don't keep tabs on him so that I can call him on it, or so I can bust him. But, what would happen if you did find evidence of cheating or an EA? I do it because he doesn't communicate with me Bingo - now we are making progress ... communication is essential to a healthy relationship. Without communication, all sorts of things start to go wrong (you post is loaded with examples). It just gets to me that he might be wiling to throw away this marriage too. This wasn't on your mind before you got married? If it was, how did you resolve it at the time? It makes me wonder how well I could do without him as my husband. How I would be able to support myself and 2 kids and be a single mom. That you are even asking yourself these questions suggests that things are not good. I would suggest you both need time in MC or some form of marriage help (eg "The Marriage Course"). You said you feel your H's mind starts to wander if he hasn't had sex for a while. Have you talked with each other about you expectations in relation to physical intimacy? I suspect many women would be surprised that satisfying sex for men depends more on the wife being happy than on physical technique. "Wham, bam, thank you ma'am" is rarely fulfilling (although sometimes has its place). You want him to communicate more. You work 50 hours per week and also care for 2 children. Do you take any time out for just the 2 of you, away from the home and children where you can focus on yourselves, your relationship and communicate? I'm thinking like once per week at least. I just needed to get this off my chest. Always a great start. I hope I have not been too confrontational in this post, but there are lots of warning bells here that are saying you need to do something definite about your relationship. The fact that your H has already walked out of one marriage suggests that this is one of his options if things don't "work out". The catch is that unless you both "work at" you relationship, it won't "work out" and he'll probably "walk out" again. You already know what will happen if you do nothing. You know your H's solution. It seems to me that it is up to you to do something. But, trying to change him won't do it. You need to get outside help. Even if your H doesn't see that anything is "wrong", things don't have to be wrong or broken to seek MC or a course/training. Things could always be "better". Ask him, is he happy with how things are or would he like the relationship to be better?
Mr. Lucky Posted June 16, 2008 Posted June 16, 2008 When we met he was married, I found out a couple of months into the relationship that was married (he was not up front about it). There was a divorce between he and his ex (obviously), and now we are married. It was a big to do when his relationship with the ex ended, feelings were hurt, his mother thought I was a home wrecker and it was just a sticky situation for a while. Catiebug, if you were going to build a house for you and your family, would you start with a load of split and warped boards, bent and rusty nails and broken windows? And then, having used that faulty material, be surprised that the house didn't hold up? Because that's exactly what you've done here . Not only did he deceive you when he met you, but he continues to be less than truthful regarding his commitment to your marriage. Since that sounds like Strike One and Strike Two to me, you may have to start thinking about what Strike Three would mean to you and your kids... Mr. Lucky
Lookingforward Posted June 16, 2008 Posted June 16, 2008 I hate to say it, but this sounds like a situation that does tally with the oft mentioned line of "if he cheated WITH you, he'll cheat ON you" Sorry you got one of the "classic" cheaters catie
twice_shy Posted June 16, 2008 Posted June 16, 2008 I've been married for almost two years and have 2 children with my husband. When we met he was married, I found out a couple of months into the relationship that was married (he was not up front about it). There was a divorce between he and his ex (obviously), and now we are married. It was a big to do when his relationship with the ex ended, feelings were hurt, his mother thought I was a home wrecker and it was just a sticky situation for a while. Things have settled down, for the most part I am accepted by his family It may seem that way, and it may actually be the case. Who knows. But one thing to consider, and I think this is the more likely scenario, is that they get along with you and accept you for their son's sake. But I wonder, if they see you as a homewrecker, how do they see him for cheating in the first place and destroying his family? and we have these amazingly beautiful children... I am a career woman, work 50 hours a week, work very hard to support my family, only to find out that if things aren't going wonderful or if we haven't had sex in a while, my husband goes on a search for girls to talk to. Mostly on the internet. Are you not surprised? he cheated on his last wife and lied to you about it. I saw this coming before even reading the whole post. [qutoe]I know this because I check his email. I have all the passwords to any accounts he has and I check them regularly. I do this because I don't fully trust him. I love him and we get along very well, and I understand the way he is. Because I am like that too. Just not anymore. I have cheated in relationships. But not in this one. And I don't plan on it. I don't keep tabs on him so that I can call him on it, or so I can bust him. I do it because he doesn't communicate with me and I as a person need to know what's going on. Maybe it's a control issue. As far as I know he hasn't cheated on me. I don't know if he would take it that far. It just gets to me that he might be wiling to throw away this marriage too. It has me second guessing our relationship and the decisions I've made to stand by him. You should have 2nd guessed the relationship when he lied to you about being married and cheating on his first wife. It makes me wonder how well I could do without him as my husband. How I would be able to support myself and 2 kids and be a single mom. You are a career woman, I'm sure you'll do just fine. And there is always child support to supplement that.
twice_shy Posted June 16, 2008 Posted June 16, 2008 I hate to say it, but this sounds like a situation that does tally with the oft mentioned line of "if he cheated WITH you, he'll cheat ON you" Sorry you got one of the "classic" cheaters catie She has cheated in most of her relationships too. She can't claim the moral high ground here. She may say she won't cheat in this relationship, but as someone else said, what makes this relationship different? If anything she will be more apt to cheat since she married a cheater, liar, and a guy that is looking for internet poon.
nadiaj2727 Posted June 16, 2008 Posted June 16, 2008 I'm sorry to hear about this, it sounds like a horrible way to live. I agree with the person who suggested marriage counseling. Where there is no trust there cannot be full love. And vice versa. But I see why you don't trust him, he has not done the right things. May I ask why you would marry someone who started off the whole relationship with you as a lie? If it's because you have lied and cheated too... well, okay, but why get married, marriage is usually (unless you two have a different agreement, which it doesn't sound like) about trust and commitment and monogamy. If you know he's not capable of these things and that's okay because you aren't either, then why get married? And if you do believe in trust and commitment, why marry a proven liar and cheat? I do believe in change, obviously, I am someone who cheated in the past and who helped someone else cheat. But from your post there are no indications that he had done any deep soul-searching and improving his character in between the time he cheated on his first wife and married you... therefore, how do you know he's changed? I'm not saying he can't change but it is really hard work, do you think he's up for the challenge? If it's only been two years of marriage to his new wife and he's already trolling for new OWs (unsuspecting OWs, I'd presume, since that's what you were at first...), then I highly doubt he even wants to change... I am sorry to bombard you with so many questions, I am just trying to understand all of this. I definitely think you guys should go to counseling for your trust issues and maybe you should seek individual counseling to determine what is it about you that is okay with being with a man who cheats on his wife but then when you are the wife you become admittedly controlling and check up on him because you know him so well and you are like that too??? Maybe you should stop being like that and not be with anyone who is like that... just a suggestion... based on my experience, you have to love yourself first and be the kind of person YOU'D want to marry before you can find love with anyone else who is the kind of person you'd want to marry. Maybe you put the cart before the horse but there might still be hope... first work on you though, I'm not sure what's going through his head but it sounds like you're ready and willing to change and that's good.
Author catiebug Posted June 17, 2008 Author Posted June 17, 2008 For all feedback, questions, comments and advice. In answer to some questions: In hindsight I think we married to please his family. They are old-school Catholic (nothing wrong with that) and feel as though once a man and woman have a child, they should be bound by marriage. I think if I had all my hormones in check and sat back and thought about it, I probably would not have married him. It's true I love but don't trust him. It's true that we don't communicate, I am just as much at fault for this as he is. I realize men have certain needs for intimacy, but it needs to be pointed out that if we aren't agreeing about things such as how to act with our children, or what our money should be spent on, I'm not going to be in the mood. So it isn't that we aren't having sex on a regular basis because I don't have a sex drive or because there isn't time for it. It's because it seems like we aren't on the same page anymore. I feel like I am progressing, having the kids, the career, wanting to buy a house, get a dog, stop drinking, have play dates... all those things... And he seems to only want to do the minimum to get by. Not using all the potential he has. He's brilliant, but he's the dumbest brilliant person I know. So all of these things build up and put a strain on me and in turn makes his eye wander. It's not the same in turn as far as him being able to trust me. He has NO reason not to trust me. Even if my eye was wandering, I don't have the time or energy to spend on an affair. Like I said I work 50 hours a week, have two kids, who are both under the age of 2, one of which has health issues that requires attention several times a week. I just feel at a loss. He's the type of man who backs down from confrontation, so I feel as though if I laid all this out before him and Asked him to step up and move forward with me, make the effort to make this family work, that he would just retreat and things would be worse. Because that's how it is with the little things, so it stands to reason it would be that way with the big things... I know this is all over the place... I don't mean to confuse anyone, and I don't even know where to begin to start sorting it all out. It just seems sad that all this crap can happen in 4 years, just pile up and become a mess of emotions... Thanks to anyone who reads this, or replies. It's nice to have a few 'somones' take a minute and help me to think outside of my own box.
Author catiebug Posted June 17, 2008 Author Posted June 17, 2008 So now don't want to harvest the crop you planted. What did you truly expect to happen? I am sorry the children are exposed to this mess, but I wish I could feel sympathy for you. You knew what he was and you stayed anyway. You believed you could change a character flaw that his ex wife couldn't change(I bet you blamed her for his behavior). He is what he is, and you my dear..... If I didn't want to harvest the crop I planted I would have left after the first time I saw he was looking around on the side. I truly expected us to be able to work through things since we worked through his messy divorce. And I am not asking for your sympathy, maybe some insight, but certainly not pity. I was using this as a way of venting. I did know he was this way and we talked about it in the beginning of our relationship and decided to be honest with each other. I know I haven't been honest about watching what he's doing, but in turn he hasn't been honest about what he needs. I never thought I could change him, but I expected him to be true to his word and want to be in this relationship full force since I was who he left his wife for. I don't blame her for any of his behavior, he is who he is because of what he chose to do. She was a completely innocent person in the situation. She was the one who was wronged and should not have been treated the way she was treated by him(and me). So your bet there was wrong. And as for me what?? I know I'm not an unknowing innocent in this. I know who he is. I hoped he wouldn't consider doing the same to me. If he does I will deal with it, cope and recover. But thanks for your input.
carhill Posted June 17, 2008 Posted June 17, 2008 OP, tell me what your H wants from the marriage. You say he hasn't been honest about his needs. That indicates to me that his words and actions aren't matching and that you do have an understanding (or think you do) of his true wants. Enumerate them. How long ago did your love start dying? Even though I read "I love him" in words, there's a thread of loss throughout your post. It's reflected in your sex life. What do you want, today, right now?
pelicanpreacher Posted June 17, 2008 Posted June 17, 2008 "And the Dodgers retire the side"! 1. He entered a relationship lying to you about his marrital status and I'm also guessing that he lied to you about the true state of his previous marriage as well. I'll bet you didn't win his love so much as his xW simply let him go (with the stinging swipe of a messy divorce to teach him a lesson not to play with someone's life and emotions). ..Strike ONE! 2. Upon the demise of his 1st marriage his mother's first instinct was to blame you by casting you as the "homewrecker" and making you work and sweat to get into the family's good graces. ...Foul BALL! 3. He withdraws communication and emotional support because you... I. Work too many hours in pursuit of your career. II. Pay too much attention to your young children, especially the child with health problems. III. Disagree with him on how the household money is spent and aren't waiting on him hand and foot the way his rearing shaped and ingrained him to believe a woman should treat and respect her husband since he was young enough to observe and comprehend. ...Strike TWO! 4. He feels entitled to cross set boundaries established in your marriage the same way he felt entitled to cross boundaries in his first marriage to feed his need for adoration and emotional validation. ...Strike THREE! For those of you who've read my posts in the past you know how I'd classify this guy. OP, I really feel for you because I believe you're in for a short and bumpy ride! Just make sure you keep all of your financial "ducks in a row" and keep a tight relationship with your kids in preparation for D-Day! When its time to go keep your head up and just try to chalk this experience up to "Lesson Learned"!
Mr. Lucky Posted June 18, 2008 Posted June 18, 2008 I realize men have certain needs for intimacy, but it needs to be pointed out that if we aren't agreeing about things such as how to act with our children, or what our money should be spent on, I'm not going to be in the mood. So it isn't that we aren't having sex on a regular basis because I don't have a sex drive or because there isn't time for it. It's because it seems like we aren't on the same page anymore. Not sure how carefully you chose you words and how much your post reflects your true feelings, but it sounds very manipulative. So, as long as he agrees with you and does what you want regarding money, children, etc., then you'll have sex with him? I never condone cheating, but your approach of "no sex unless I'm happy with our Marriage" is guaranteed to cause problems... Mr. Lucky
pelicanpreacher Posted June 18, 2008 Posted June 18, 2008 Not sure how carefully you chose you words and how much your post reflects your true feelings, but it sounds very manipulative. So, as long as he agrees with you and does what you want regarding money, children, etc., then you'll have sex with him? I never condone cheating, but your approach of "no sex unless I'm happy with our Marriage" is guaranteed to cause problems... Mr. Lucky You may have overlooked what's at the core of stressing her out and why this marriage is doomed to fail! I feel like I am progressing, having the kids, the career, wanting to buy a house, get a dog, stop drinking, have play dates... all those things... And he seems to only want to do the minimum to get by. Not using all the potential he has. He's brilliant, but he's the dumbest brilliant person I know. So all of these things build up and put a strain on me and in turn makes his eye wander. This guy translates into a lazy "husband-who-would-be-king" sitting around waiting to be catered to, who resists pitching in to take care of the house and kids, who shows little professional and personal motivation because life should be handed to him, and who sulks by trolling for other women online if he doesn't receive the respect and adoration from his wife that he feels entitled to"! The sum aggregate of his childish behavior would turn any woman off of sex. His first wife experienced this and now its the OP's turn yet, he's the first to start whining to any woman that will listen that his marriage is terrible because "nobody understands me"!
jmargel Posted June 18, 2008 Posted June 18, 2008 I think she uses sex as a control because that's the only thing she has to try to keep things in check. However it won't accomplish that at all, it'll just create more problems. Think of this whole situation as one giant weed. The leaves on this weed are the 'topics'. Topics are things such as him looking for other women, him cheating, him not telling you the truth, him disresepecting others, etc.. The 'issues' are the root of the weed, such as his personality, long-term attitude, his conscious, his goals, his morals, etc.. If you only pick off these leaves (ie. deal with only the topics) you might get enough leaves pulled to temporarily kill the weed, but it will grow back. Only when you remove the root of the weed will the situation will be dealt with. So, that means he needs to deal with his personality, long-term attitude, his conscious, his goals, his morals, etc.. Until he gets counseling and gets his ass sorted out, you will continue to have these 'topics' pop up. Just like a weed, these problems will come up more and more, at a faster pace. You can point him in that direction but you can't make him want to change. If he doesn't want to change and goto counseling then nothing will change and you will continue to be dragged through the mud. Now, it's upto you to change what YOU can. What are you getting out of this marriage? What can you change for your OWN life and situation? You seem to be waiting for him to come to this ephiany and make plans to want to be a different person for good, but I don't see that happening. It's upto you whether you want to continue to be disrespected like this. You knew the type of person you were getting involved with, you are now going through the samething his ex-wife went through. In most marriages that start off in strife like yours, this happens. It's the type of person that the cheating spouse is that causes this.
Author catiebug Posted June 18, 2008 Author Posted June 18, 2008 Not sure how carefully you chose you words and how much your post reflects your true feelings, but it sounds very manipulative. So, as long as he agrees with you and does what you want regarding money, children, etc., then you'll have sex with him? I never condone cheating, but your approach of "no sex unless I'm happy with our Marriage" is guaranteed to cause problems... Mr. Lucky I don't think I chose my words very carefully. It's not like I hold sex hostage, or that he has to make sure I am happy all the time to have sex. I don't say "You just spent $40 out of the account when I told you please don't spend any money because we only have $40 dollars in the account, so now I'm not going to have sex with you". I have needs for intimacy, too. We do have sex, I'd say once a week on average. Which isn't as much as we used to, or as much I'd like, but it seems to be what our schedule allows. If you(people in general) have kids like we do, it's just time consuming, and usually by the time I get them bathed and to bed, I'm just too exhausted to even think about sex. But having these stresses like money issues or child rearing issues also puts a damper on sex. For me at least. And if me not wanting to overlook a big issue like money to make sure he gets laid, then I guess I am manipulative in that respect, but I don't know very many women who make sure to sexually please their husbands when they are pissed off at them. And as a side note, I am usually the one to initiate sex. It's always been like that, so it's not like I am emanating the "get the f*$k away from me, I'm pissed and don't want to have sex" vibe.
TechDude Posted June 19, 2008 Posted June 19, 2008 We do have sex, I'd say once a week on average. I am usually the one to initiate sex. It's always been like that, so it's not like I am emanating the "get the f*$k away from me, I'm pissed and don't want to have sex" vibe. Thank you ... that clarifies things ... and paints quite a different picture to your first post.
Author catiebug Posted June 19, 2008 Author Posted June 19, 2008 She has cheated in most of her relationships too. She can't claim the moral high ground here. She may say she won't cheat in this relationship, but as someone else said, what makes this relationship different? If anything she will be more apt to cheat since she married a cheater, liar, and a guy that is looking for internet poon. I'm not sure I'm trying to claim the moral high ground here. What makes this relationship different, for me at least, is that I made this solid commitment to start over with him. I have cheated in relationships in the past, it's true, but things were different for me then. Not to say I was a different person, but I was on my own, supporting myself, not living with anyone, no kids, no one else to take care of. I don't think I would be more apt to cheat. I've seen what's going on in my marriage, I know he looks on the sly, but I don't turn around and do the same thing. I don't have the want for an affair. Nothing about an affair sounds appealing to me. I think the difference between myself and my husband is the want for change. I wanted to change, to become a family person, to be committed to one person. And maybe he is just going through the motions. I have talked to him about counseling. Not necessarily marriage counseling, but for himself, to resolve family issues he's had. I thought if he could work through his problems, maybe we could graduate to marriage counseling. And he is resistant to the idea. He thinks he knows what they(therapists, counselors, etc.) are going to say to him. I think he's afraid for someone to lay it all out with him so he has to deal with it. I think I should point out that these 'problems' we have aren't every day. We do get along very well, it seems that we are both in good spirits when we hang out... It's just when things aren't going peachy he starts to turn away. I just wish he also had the want for change. I thought he did. I just don't like confrontation, and I know that's the way to settle these problems, is to confront them head on... It's just that point of no return. But I've already crossed that point, so why am I protecting him from it?
LakesideDream Posted June 19, 2008 Posted June 19, 2008 We do have sex, I'd say once a week on average. Which isn't as much as we used to, or as much I'd like, but it seems to be what our schedule allows. If you(people in general) have kids like we do, it's just time consuming, and usually by the time I get them bathed and to bed, I'm just too exhausted to even think about sex. Catie, As a grown man who raised two children to adulthood... I have a comment / advice for you. "tired or exhausted" sex can be absolutely wonderful. Take advantage of the fact that you are relaxed, or ready to relax. Lots of stroking and massaging, foreplay. Then take it slow, slow, slow and you can enjoy amazing results. And believe me, the quality of the sleep afterwards is excellent.
Owl Posted June 19, 2008 Posted June 19, 2008 have talked to him about counseling. Not necessarily marriage counseling, but for himself, to resolve family issues he's had. I thought if he could work through his problems, maybe we could graduate to marriage counseling. And he is resistant to the idea. He thinks he knows what they(therapists, counselors, etc.) are going to say to him. I think he's afraid for someone to lay it all out with him so he has to deal with it. Catie, this is like refusing to treat the victim of a gunshot wound until you find the person who fired the bullet. By the time he figures out what's wrong with him, your marriage will be dead. Sometimes you treat the symptoms before you treat the disease...because you have to keep the patient alive long enough to get the treatment. INSIST on marriage counseling. This is your marriage as much as its his. Why does HE call all the shots, make all the choices in what you will or won't do to keep the marriage alive?
SerenityX2 Posted June 19, 2008 Posted June 19, 2008 Just a suggestion Catie... How about shelving the anger of money issues, til you can talk about it ratioinally? You're always going to have day to day "life stuff" as I like to call it, and disagreements about things are bound to come up, but they should never take precedenece over the bonding...you shouldn't let yourself get that angry with each other that it puts a wedge between you. It's the bonding that is central to the communication, and that bond of intimacy is paramount to a marriage. LSD hit the nail on the head about the "sleepy sex." Weekend are definitely our time, family, date, etc...but since I'm in nursing school right now, beyond exhausted, quite often thru the week that's how it is..and it is wonderful and you do sleep like a baby! We still have DS in the house with us, he's a teenager, but it still never impedes us....Most days of the week, we do want to have that bonding....it's energizing, relaxing, connecting, euphoric, I honestly can't say enough, and it does seem to keep growing b/c we make it a priority. If you don't establish that connection now, I fear that you could grow even further apart as your kids grow. (You don't want them to hear you, know that you have sex etc...) I've heard too many situations like that and it doesn't have to be that way. It's just an excuse. Good luck to you.
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