shipwrecked Posted June 16, 2008 Posted June 16, 2008 This is the most significant aspect of my current 2 1/2 month breakup, or so my ex girlfriend says. Is there any truth in the cliche statement that: You can't love someone else until you love yourself? Has anyone else suffered a break up because of this?
SarahT111 Posted June 16, 2008 Posted June 16, 2008 YES!!!! very much so! I was with my ex for 2.5 years and had very low self esteem and deep down I hated myself. Everything was fine in the 'honeymoon phase' this guy made me happier than I ever thought I could be and all my self doubt and bad feelings about myself disappeared. However when that was over the feelings crept back and I would take it out on him in many different ways. I would pick at him and try and change everything I didn't like about him, And other times when we were together I would hate the way I looked so much on that paticular day that I would go all quiet and pretty much refuse to talk. I stopped loving him, i dont know why, but I did. So basically I ruined my own life with my own unhappiness. Learn from my mistakes and love yourself before you get to involved with someone. You will just ending up hurting them and yourself. It has been 6 months since the break up and I can honestly say im 100% a different person. It was a VERY hard painful lesson but one that needed to be learnt! I sometimes get upset and wish I could have learnt my lessons before meeting my ex but I have to stay positive in the hope that I can share my new found happiness with someone else one day.
Author shipwrecked Posted June 16, 2008 Author Posted June 16, 2008 Hey Sarah, That seems a little like me. I would blame my ex for things about myself, things I never got a chance to do, and tried to change her. However I still love her and I'm trying to get her back, but all she says is we're not meant to be. So in a way this killed our relationship. So why did I love her if this is true? Was it a facade of needing someone to fill that void of not loving yourself?
SarahT111 Posted June 16, 2008 Posted June 16, 2008 I dont quite know, I loved my ex more than anything in the world to start with but it seemed to fade. He wouldn't take me back either and said it wasn't meant to be aswell!!! I think as I had such low self esteem and hated myself I just really enjoyed having someone that did love me. Maybe this guy wasn't right for me but I ignored everything just because it made me feel better to be loved. As the realtionship progressed I began to try and change everything about him to suit me more. This guy was never right for me but It just felt good having someone love me. It made me feel better. I truley felt awful when I stopped loving him. I would cry every night but I never once told him as I didn't want to hurt him and just let the realtionship keep going. I was lying to myself but didn't want to believe so tried to change everything about him to get that feeling back but it never came Of course this runined the realtionship and it ended very nastily but without this happening I would never have seen this or learnt the things I have. Its still so hard to love youself when you have been through such events but I hope I can get there someday. Hey Sarah, That seems a little like me. I would blame my ex for things about myself, things I never got a chance to do, and tried to change her. However I still love her and I'm trying to get her back, but all she says is we're not meant to be. So in a way this killed our relationship. So why did I love her if this is true? Was it a facade of needing someone to fill that void of not loving yourself?
Author shipwrecked Posted June 16, 2008 Author Posted June 16, 2008 Well right now I'm in this position. questioning all the things I could have done differently. I'm working on myself, but have not progressed yet. In the relationship it felt that I lost myself, my passion for who I was. But now I feel I learned a lot, but she will not give me another chance. Constant pain right now.
justaman99 Posted June 16, 2008 Posted June 16, 2008 YES!!!! very much so! I was with my ex for 2.5 years and had very low self esteem and deep down I hated myself. Everything was fine in the 'honeymoon phase' this guy made me happier than I ever thought I could be and all my self doubt and bad feelings about myself disappeared. However when that was over the feelings crept back and I would take it out on him in many different ways. I would pick at him and try and change everything I didn't like about him, And other times when we were together I would hate the way I looked so much on that paticular day that I would go all quiet and pretty much refuse to talk. I am happy that you were able to recognize this Sarah. Many can't or won't and continue this cycle never understanding why things always seem to happen the same way. I wish you well.
SarahT111 Posted June 16, 2008 Posted June 16, 2008 Hey Justaman Thankyou for that I was expecting people to tell me I got what I deserved so that made me feel much better It was a very hard lesson but one I needed to learn. Thankyou again
CailinPig Posted June 16, 2008 Posted June 16, 2008 I think that was my problem too. I was so worried he'd go off with another girl, because i thought I wasn't good enough. In the end, we were broken up and I felt I needed to validate myself by kissing a guy from my past that I'd been too shy to kiss years previusly. My ex didn't wanna get abck with me after that. He was right.
stlnsmile Posted June 16, 2008 Posted June 16, 2008 Can you guys tell me, how long did it take each of you to come to these realizations after the breakup. Was it weeks, months, years. What propelled you to try to get the ex back, or what kept you away? How did you feel when the ex didn't take you back? Hurt, deserved, resigned?
SarahT111 Posted June 16, 2008 Posted June 16, 2008 Can you guys tell me, how long did it take each of you to come to these realizations after the breakup. Was it weeks, months, years. What propelled you to try to get the ex back, or what kept you away? How did you feel when the ex didn't take you back? Hurt, deserved, resigned? It didn't take me long to realise actually. The first 3 months I went throught all sorts of hell blaming everyone and coming up with all these crazy theories but once the pain died down I could finally look back and realise what went wrong. Its been 6 months now since we split and I am a completely different and better person. I didn't try and get my ex back as I had to much pride and he left me for another girl so it hurt way to much to try and talk to him. He also was a completely different person, so cold and nasty and it just hurt to much to talk to him. I still feel kinda sad and disappointed that I couldnt have learnt these lessons beforehand as I feel me and my ex would have been really good together. Im just not sure I could forgive him for leaving me for someone else and being so horrible about it so I dont try and get him back. I do have days where I really miss him tho I dont really blame myself as it was my 1st realtionship and I didn't really know how to act im just disappointed I couldnt have learnt before he came along
sedgwick Posted June 16, 2008 Posted June 16, 2008 Yes, yes, a thousand times yes. I have been the one with a negative attitude and no self-esteem, and you betcha I've been dumped because of it. I've also dumped two people because of it. I now know that the thing I must have in a partner, first and foremost, is a positive and passionate life. I've worked so hard to get my own sh*t together and make my dreams come true, and I need someone else who's doing the same kind of work. Life is too short to walk around hating yourself and your circumstances. I have to remind myself of that every day, but it's absolutely true. If you don't like who you are or the life you're living, it is totally possible to make changes and be happy. I believe that doing whatever it takes to follow one's passion and find joy is our responsibility as human beings.
Author shipwrecked Posted June 17, 2008 Author Posted June 17, 2008 Can you guys tell me, how long did it take each of you to come to these realizations after the breakup. Was it weeks, months, years. What propelled you to try to get the ex back, or what kept you away? How did you feel when the ex didn't take you back? Hurt, deserved, resigned? I came to the realization about a month after we had broken up. After thinking constantly about the past second by second, minute by minute, hour by hour and so forth, I realized that I lost myself, my passion and who I really was. I'm still trying to work on myself but my miserable attitude, resentment, and contempt for mankind came from my present situation. Having a dead end job with 2 degrees and blaming everyone but myself, just got the best of me and put me in a bad place. It totally affected my relationship to a point where now my ex is bitter. I love her dearly and she loved me, but says it was too draining, she had to get out. It's been 2 1/2 months since we've been apart. She doesn't email, or contact me in any way. She says that we are not meant to be, and there's no way she'll come back. I still need to work on myself, get my career started, but her not coming back to me is just a new problem. Yeah I have to love myself, however I feel a need to be with her and start anew in order for me to solve the other problems. So, now I only dwell on trying to get her back. I feel devastated from the rejection, and I'm not ready to pursue my career because I don't need anymore rejection in my life at this moment.
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