n9688m Posted June 16, 2008 Posted June 16, 2008 After my wife of 14 years had an EA and PA and marriage counseling failed, we are proceeding with a divorce. She says the affair is unrelated to her feelings of being lonely for years, yet she always said she was quite happy until very recently. Now she is revising history - presumably to justify the affair. Anyway we are still living together for now until my wife finds a new home in which she can live with our 2 kids with 50% custody. I find it odd that she has not cried once during the whole divorce and counseling process - yet my kids say she has cried so much to them that they had to ask her to try to stop. I find it odd that she is hiding all her emotions from me now particularly given her stated concern about "no emotional connection" in the past. Well how can there be an emotional connection if she doesn't show her emotions? I wonder if this is new due to the divorce or has been much more longstanding than I realized. Or maybe this is her way to cope with the guilt of the affair. Anyway is this typical for a spouse to hide emotions so dramatically during a divorce and how does or does not this fit in with the bigger picture of our relationship?
Nomad1 Posted June 16, 2008 Posted June 16, 2008 n9688m - Two possible explanations. When people become emotionally connected with a third party, their thoughts and emotional ties are redirected to OM/OW. The spouse becomes completely absent from the picture. They rationalise their actions through rewriting the history of their relationship, by foregrounding conflictual/unpleasant events/interactions with their spouse, at times even distorting the truth. Another possible explanation is to suppress any guilt they may have by focusing on the reaction of the BS to the breakup. If the BS reacted in a resentful/angry, that becomes the justification for the decision they made. This is why it is important to go with the flow and not to resist their attempts to break away. There are significant power dynamics involved in breakups. Usually, the departing spouse feels that s/he has the power to make or break the relationship. Any pursuit by the BS reinforces their belief in the power they have. But power is not a tangible/material construct. It is constructed by people and enacted. A good question is how to reclaim the power or more accurately, how to shift from powerlessness to independence. I guess, being assertive (tough love) and doing 180, not for her, but for you. Good luck Nomad1
carhill Posted June 16, 2008 Posted June 16, 2008 Very succinct OP, forget trying to figure out women. You'd have better luck lighting yourself on fire and it would likely be less painful.
Gunny376 Posted June 16, 2008 Posted June 16, 2008 Its the guilt of the affair ~ and the fear of the future without you're being her meal-ticket through Life! OMG! I've actually have got to get a job and support my children on my own! The simple fact of the matter is that 2/3rds to 3/4ths (be you a man or woman) aren't worth getting into a serious relationship with. I don't believe in "the one" but ~ there's only a very few people that are going to put up with your BS!
TrustInYourself Posted June 16, 2008 Posted June 16, 2008 Life without a mate. I can not fathom. That seems so very hopeless and lonely. I guess most are better off without someone dragging them down. Isn't there a woman out there, Gunny, that can take you higher?
Chrome Barracuda Posted June 16, 2008 Posted June 16, 2008 Jusification, rewriting, cheating, In the end it doesnt even matter. this is the road she chose, she's probably witholding emotions because she's just so beat up and doesnt want to show you. I say forget what she's doing and focus on your own life. She's a non-entity. And she wanted single mother hood, If anyone says it's your fault. Tell them to shove it and she wanted to be single and brake up the family. It all rests on her sholders, and you know what it isnt your fault. You'll find someone else and by then you'll be past all this. ...Forget her, and dont be her friend! That'show she'll rationalize it was worth it. let her know in no circumstances that the cheating and lying was cool with you.
Author n9688m Posted June 16, 2008 Author Posted June 16, 2008 Sounds great in theory.. but I'm not sure "don't be her friend" is practical or good for the kids if we will be sharing 50% custody... pretty frustrating situation no matter what.
SingleDad Posted June 16, 2008 Posted June 16, 2008 You have kids together - for their sake - have you discussed separation first before going directly to divorce. Maybe this will provide a cooling off period to re-evaluate your lives. And give you time to adjust - I remain hopeful that a separation may provide time to realize that being apart from our daughter will change our minds are try to work things out. Not sure of your situation, but also consider mediation if possible. It will save tens of thousands in legal fees - just be sure what you are entitled to - Joint legal and physical custody especially. Focus on loving your children - they will always be yours
Author n9688m Posted June 16, 2008 Author Posted June 16, 2008 You have kids together - for their sake - have you discussed separation first before going directly to divorce. She mentioned it very briefly at first but it didn't make much sense to me. If she wanted to end her EA and focus on reconciliation while living together in separate bedrooms that would have been fine with me. But I don't see the point in separating. That just puts my life on hold while she gets to continue her affair. I'm not interested there. Besides - I have read very, very, very few stories of successful reconciliation after separation. Can you point to some here? As for mediation - I tried. She refuses. She's clearly out for all she can get. Really frustrating considering not only did it seem like a stable marriage for 14 years but she also never seemed like a golddigger. But she wants to cash in now for sure. She actually have the nerve to want me to move out of the house - after SHE had the affair!
carhill Posted June 16, 2008 Posted June 16, 2008 As for mediation - I tried. She refuses. She's clearly out for all she can get. Really frustrating considering not only did it seem like a stable marriage for 14 years but she also never seemed like a golddigger. But she wants to cash in now for sure. How many divorced female friends does she have?
SingleDad Posted June 16, 2008 Posted June 16, 2008 My Ex filed for Divorce on January 24 - she and lawyer wanted sole custody (unfit father argument) , limited visitation, max child support, everything I own, etc. etc. I contested the divorce... It got ugly... it was destroying each of us. $10k down the drain and no legal issues were even discussed in 2 months. Likely would have been $50 to $100k start to end. On April 10 we started mediation instead - signed the separation paperwork last Thusday - Joint legal and physical custody, 6 of 14 overnights, reasonable settlement, reasonable child support, and separation instead of outright divorce. Ex just wanted out - gave me leverage for a fair settlement. Mediated settlement cost $4k. As much as I hated to sign - it was much better than the other alternative.
whichwayisup Posted June 16, 2008 Posted June 16, 2008 Chances are she did her grieving a long time ago and detached herself from you and the marriage as well. She more than likely is crying out of guilt, about the kids and how this is all going to affect them. A family is breaking up, that's sad. I feel for you and your children.
D-Lish Posted June 16, 2008 Posted June 16, 2008 Lawyers can be instrumental in facilitating a nasty divorce. The more contested the divorce is- the more money they make in fees.
Chrome Barracuda Posted June 16, 2008 Posted June 16, 2008 Chances are she did her grieving a long time ago and detached herself from you and the marriage as well. She more than likely is crying out of guilt, about the kids and how this is all going to affect them. A family is breaking up, that's sad. I feel for you and your children. Hey this is what she wanted.
misternoname Posted June 16, 2008 Posted June 16, 2008 I'm in a very similar situation. My wife moved out a couple of months ago after I discovered she was having an affair. I was distraught at first. She on the other hand was utterly emotionless which is odd because she cries at the drop of a hat. I asked my therapist the same question you're seeking an answer to. His explanation was so simple but so on the money. She was disconnecting emotionally from me long before the move out. I on the other hand was just beginning to confront the hurt the day she packed her stuff. Keep in mind, people do not go from blissfully happy one day to having an affair the next. In order to get to that point, she was already emotionally long gone. It may have been building up for years for all that matters. Don't feel bad that she doesn't feel the same way. She probably did long ago but just hid it from you. There is some good news however...I finally decided to start dating. With my ego reduced to dust it took a lot of courage to try and find a new relationship. I quickly discovered that good, faithful guys coming away from a cheating spouse are in high demand. I'm now having the time of my life.
misternoname Posted June 17, 2008 Posted June 17, 2008 Glad I can help. It hurts...it sucks...it isn't fair but it's given me a chance to rediscover myself. Her actions over the years turned me into jellyfish with no self esteem. I now feel reborn. The hardest thing to do was actually the most liberating. I had to make a conscious decision to no longer rely on her for my happiness. Don't get me wrong, there's a lot of dark times ahead but one day you'll wake up and have an epiphany. When that happens you'll feel like a great weight has been lifted off of you. I do know one thing, I will never again tolerate a cheating partner. I'd rather be alone. Best of luck...keep your chin up. Got to go. I have a date with a beautiful woman tonight :-)
Author n9688m Posted June 17, 2008 Author Posted June 17, 2008 Glad I can help. It hurts...it sucks...it isn't fair but it's given me a chance to rediscover myself. Her actions over the years turned me into jellyfish with no self esteem. Is that really true? If so why did you let her do that? I can certainly agree with comments to not want her back after she cheated. And I can agree with comments that I will find someone else and be happy. And maybe I can even agree that spending blocks of alone time with the kids will bring me closer to them. But I think it's sour grapes for me to try revisionist history and say I wasn't happy in the marriage - just like I don't like my STBXW re-stating history. The fact is that I was really happy in our marriage - until I found out she was cheating. That doesn't change the fact that I was happy the rest of the time.
misternoname Posted June 17, 2008 Posted June 17, 2008 Because she cheated more than once over a long span of time. I, like a chump, kept forgiving her and taking her back thinking she would change. I finally said enough is enough. I should have done it a long time ago.
TrustInYourself Posted June 17, 2008 Posted June 17, 2008 Is that really true? If so why did you let her do that? I can certainly agree with comments to not want her back after she cheated. And I can agree with comments that I will find someone else and be happy. And maybe I can even agree that spending blocks of alone time with the kids will bring me closer to them. But I think it's sour grapes for me to try revisionist history and say I wasn't happy in the marriage - just like I don't like my STBXW re-stating history. The fact is that I was really happy in our marriage - until I found out she was cheating. That doesn't change the fact that I was happy the rest of the time. I'm curious. How can you truly be happy when your wife is willing to have an affair on you? I'm not trying to be mean, I'm trying to understand your mindset. There were obvious problems with her or the relationship if she's willing to do that to you. Why would you be happy with someone like that? Assuming that's it's her. If it's the relationship, you need to re-evaluate whether it was really happiness and not content complacency. I'll be the first to say I was the most complacent bastard on the planet. I loved my wife, but my actions said I did not give a damn about anything but my computer and my online buddies.
Nomad1 Posted June 17, 2008 Posted June 17, 2008 m9668m - It is possible to detach even when you have children. I am not sure how old your children are, but the older they get, the easier it gets as you can communicate with them directly. It is not possible to maintain an authentic friendship with her given her cheating during the marriage. It is possible to remain civil and limit any interaction to matters to do with the children. People cheat out of weakness. When cheating leads to the breakup of the family, they may suppress the pangs of guilt while they are immersed in the affair. However, the guilt will resurface. As a result, many cheaters are never able to have good lasting relationships. They move from relationship to relationship. The person they cheated with often cheats on them etc. But she is no longer your concern. With all respect m9668, it seems to me that you are still in denial. You keep entertaining the possibility of getting back with her. Would you really want to be with her again? Will you be happy with her? How will you deal with thoughts of her infidelity? Wouldn't it be better to start a new chapter with someone else. Learn from this and move on. You deserve better. Nomad1
TrustInYourself Posted June 17, 2008 Posted June 17, 2008 If in your situation, I wouldn't entertain a single thought about how I was happy in the marriage. Are you happy now? Live life in the present. She is definitely doing that. Sorry to be so blunt. You need it. Take care.
trust Posted June 19, 2008 Posted June 19, 2008 Is that really true? If so why did you let her do that? I can certainly agree with comments to not want her back after she cheated. And I can agree with comments that I will find someone else and be happy. And maybe I can even agree that spending blocks of alone time with the kids will bring me closer to them. But I think it's sour grapes for me to try revisionist history and say I wasn't happy in the marriage - just like I don't like my STBXW re-stating history. The fact is that I was really happy in our marriage - until I found out she was cheating. That doesn't change the fact that I was happy the rest of the time. Exactly! Same boat here. That's the first time I've heard someone express in words exactly what I was thinking. This is why I'm careful when I talk about my history about the ex. Girls do that crap all day long. Don't beat yourself up trying to understand it. Just know they're emotionally unreliable dip-sh*ts. The also say that **** because think of the alternative: Emotionally retarded wife says, "well I was happy the whole time, then I cheated." Sounds better to say, "I wasn't really happy...so I cheated". Now it's supposed to be *your* fault. What-the-hell-ever. Please see the quote in my signature. Also, my ex was able to do what she did because SHE LACKS A CONSCIENCE. Don't go thinking that we were all born with a conscience because we weren't. Some of us got messed up at birth/along the way. Lacking a conscience is exactly what enables the serial killers to do what they do and never show any remorse. Important thing is - you better be able to identify that behavior later on so that you don't fall prey to it again. Start reading! Here's a good link: http://ezinearticles.com/?Why-Do-I-Attract-So-Many-Losers?&id=432525 And no, my ex never shed a tear either. Why would she? She is obsessed with this new guy now (added to the fact she has no conscience). Sounds like your wife is like my ex....she was in the "ebb" stage of marriage...they mistake this stage for "not feeling in love" and so they go out in search of it. Guess what? It's out there. It's called newness. Emotionally retarded Skanks! I hate 'em.
trust Posted June 19, 2008 Posted June 19, 2008 Lawyers can be instrumental in facilitating a nasty divorce. The more contested the divorce is- the more money they make in fees. Of course that's what they do. You don't think they actually care about you, do you? They are a business. A business's number one priority is to what? *Survive.* And if making more money means drag out the divorce - then so be it. It's practically effortless for them. And I used that to our (my soon to be divorced friend and I) advantage. His wife was taking notes when I was going to them for support during my divorce. After my divorce was final (uncontested because I didn't have it in me to fight my wife..it just couldn't do that to her) his wife saw how much money my wife got in the divorce, and since this guy is like a carbon copy of me (as far as financial success goes) she turned around and did the same things to him, in the same order! So I promptly jumped in and told him not to go down like a punk (like I did). So I coached him to go out and get the best attorney and LET THE ATTORNEY's chew up their money in the divorce. It dragged out 3 years. That was a lot of attorney's fees. But the point was to run the savings dry or get your net worth as close to zero as possible. Sound counterproductive? No. See...we are the breadwinners. We can generate that kind of money at the drop of a hat. SHE CAN'T. So why let her leave with it all? Just because the law rewards a cheater doesn't mean there's not a way around it (that strategy is for poor saps who didn't get a prenup). I don't know if I would advise to do that again. It requires the emotional strength of..Jesus? My friend's divorce is now final. But he didn't do quite so well psychologically. Now I'm trying to figure out how to get him to some counseling because I honestly think he's gone mad. It almost drove me crazy and mine only lasted 30 days. I can't imagine 3 years.
Recommended Posts