Should I stay with BF after this? Seriously considering leaving...

[lollipop]

Well, I just sent him an email saying that I loved him and that I overreacted when I got out of the car and stormed off. He replied with a news article that basically proved his point about needing to eat before sleeping (nothing else). When I called him about it, expressing my hurt that he cared more about being right than the relationship, he said that he was really pissed off and that when I stormed off I reminded him of his mother. Also, that he didn’t know whether he wanted to work things out b/c he was really pissed off

 

Have I heard things correctly? *I* apologized already…and yet he still says he’s RIGHT and that the reason he acted the way he did was because “this is the way I am when I know I’m right”. WTF

[Trialbyfire]

Well, I just sent him an email saying that I loved him and that I overreacted when I got out of the car and stormed off. He replied with a news article that basically proved his point about needing to eat before sleeping (nothing else). When I called him about it, expressing my hurt that he cared more about being right than the relationship, he said that he was really pissed off and that when I stormed off I reminded him of his mother. Also, that he didn’t know whether he wanted to work things out b/c he was really pissed off

 

Have I heard things correctly? *I* apologized already…and yet he still says he’s RIGHT and that the reason he acted the way he did was because “this is the way I am when I know I’m right”. WTF

This action is called, enabling his bad behaviour. In apologizing first, you've now given him the impression that he was right and has no reason to apologize/correct his abusive anger.

 

Enough enabling lollipop. When you stormed out of the car, you should have kept on walking, calling a cab if necessary.

 

It's time to take a firm stance and put some distance between you and your abuser.

[Pluto]

Well, I just sent him an email saying that I loved him and that I overreacted when I got out of the car and stormed off. He replied with a news article that basically proved his point about needing to eat before sleeping (nothing else). When I called him about it, expressing my hurt that he cared more about being right than the relationship, he said that he was really pissed off and that when I stormed off I reminded him of his mother. Also, that he didn’t know whether he wanted to work things out b/c he was really pissed off

 

Have I heard things correctly? *I* apologized already…and yet he still says he’s RIGHT and that the reason he acted the way he did was because “this is the way I am when I know I’m right”. WTF

 

You aren't compatiable with this man, get out before the ship sinks.

[whichwayisup]

Give him space and use this time for yourself to think if you truly want to work and save this relationship. If he isn't willing to change his behaviour, get help for his anger or atleast learn to control it, then why should you put in alot of effort?

[orangesean]

As a guy who was abusive in this fashion, I think there is only one way out. You have to threaten to leave him forever if he does not change his behavior. And even then he has to stick with it.

 

It is your call on how much his rage affects but he might need to attend counseling for a while or read a book on anger management. I recommend ONLY this book: http://www.angerbusters.com/online-store.php

 

The thing is, he has to want to change otherwise he's just appeasing you if he does agree. If you feel he is a sweet guy deep down inside and if he thinks he's ready to start controlling himself, then you should continue the relationship with major help, but if there is no agreement on either of those, you must dump him, and he will have learn on his own.

 

The only thing that concerns me is he wants to show how right he was and like another poster said, you apologizing enabled him. Whenever I used to fly off the handle, flipping out over something insignificant, I had nothing but regret later, and that's what's really helping me. I would rather just deal with my issues like an adult and not add to the pool of regret. Anger is not worth that. Being "right" for whatever insignificant reason is not worth losing your loved ones. But he will have to understand this...

 

I advise you to get help ASAP or discuss it with him. If he loves you and is truly a good guy, he will change for you... there is no excuse.

[A.G.Doren]

Hi everyone this is my first post here.

 

I'm replying to this because I had a friend who had anger issues(for very good reasons I might add) and a three months with a psychitriast fixed her problems. And she did some pretty terrible stuff to people prior to the therapy. What they did was teach her new coping mechanisms so that now she almost never even becomes angry. So people can change without life threatening events if they chose too. Don't know if they OP's BF can change, only he knows that.

[orangesean]

Hi everyone this is my first post here.

 

I'm replying to this because I had a friend who had anger issues(for very good reasons I might add) and a three months with a psychitriast fixed her problems. And she did some pretty terrible stuff to people prior to the therapy. What they did was teach her new coping mechanisms so that now she almost never even becomes angry. So people can change without life threatening events if they chose too. Don't know if they OP's BF can change, only he knows that.

 

That's good to hear. This might not relate to the OP's BF specifically but anger is like an awful bad habit for some people, so I'm glad to hear there are others, since I don't really know anyone else with anger issues except my dad in real life. Most people just dismiss people with anger problems forever... especially when it comes to relationship. It kind of hurts when I find out people still think I'm awful (friends, friends of friends) and I have to try to prove it's not so, even if the damage is already done. But that's the price I guess.

[Mary3]

Hi everyone this is my first post here.

 

I'm replying to this because I had a friend who had anger issues(for very good reasons I might add) and a three months with a psychitriast fixed her problems. And she did some pretty terrible stuff to people prior to the therapy. What they did was teach her new coping mechanisms so that now she almost never even becomes angry. So people can change without life threatening events if they chose too. Don't know if they OP's BF can change, only he knows that.

 

Its not a * quick * fix type of thing. These are serious issues. The person is using coping mechanisms but if that person stops then the anger issues returns. Its a lifetime of coping....

[CandyGirlXO]

LOLLIPOP! This sounds like I posted it. This is EXACTLY how my EX was with me.

 

He kicked me out SOOO many times, tell me "get your $#!+" The name calling started a little later, B!tch, S!ut, blah blah blah.

 

One time during a fight he told me to get the F**K out so I was packing, and my back was towards him and he pushed me. I fell to the floor, and hit my head on a chair.

 

You know what... after 4 months of us talking about this over and over again I took him back.

 

Two years later the verbal abuse kept on getting worse, then he started to threaten me when we would fight. "If you don't call me RIGHT now I am going to do this..."

 

He keeps calling me up apologizing but I can't go back there.

 

I WISH I left after the first time, and not have wasted another 2 years of my life. I will tell you the same thing everyone told me. The 1st year is supposed to be the "honeymoon stage" and if the R already has these problems, and he is showing his disrespect/temper. LEAVE BEFORE YOU GET TOO ATTACHED!!!

 

The fights were always about the most stupidest things.

 

Good luck and keep posting. I just left one month ago after 3 years, and it still hurts. Afterwards he acts so nice, Mr. Nice Guy until his next outburst! Scary

 

My self esteem now is low. I mean LOW!

[CandyGirlXO]

Did you grow up in a household where abuse was present?

 

I have and that is why I think I put up with it for so long. But years after the verbal abuse... I started to lose feelings for him.

 

Now that I am out, I STILL miss him! Why? I don't know I must be crazy. When I write it all down and I see how I stayed I must be nuts to stay in a R like that.

 

Be strong. I am trying to be.

[GPFan]

Even your update doesn't portray him as overwhelmed with his love for you.

 

Why, exactly, are you considering staying in this relationship?

[Lishy]

I am speaking from experience when I say GET OUT NOW!

 

Run and don't look back, it will get much worse and you will get more invested and before you know it he will be calling the shots and you will react like a lamb to the slaughter!

 

Get out!

[Mary3]

I am speaking from experience when I say GET OUT NOW!

 

Run and don't look back, it will get much worse and you will get more invested and before you know it he will be calling the shots and you will react like a lamb to the slaughter!

 

Get out!

 

Right On Lishy !!!

[Mary3]

LOLLIPOP! This sounds like I posted it. This is EXACTLY how my EX was with me.

 

He kicked me out SOOO many times, tell me "get your $#!+" The name calling started a little later, B!tch, S!ut, blah blah blah.

 

One time during a fight he told me to get the F**K out so I was packing, and my back was towards him and he pushed me. I fell to the floor, and hit my head on a chair.

 

You know what... after 4 months of us talking about this over and over again I took him back.

 

Two years later the verbal abuse kept on getting worse, then he started to threaten me when we would fight. "If you don't call me RIGHT now I am going to do this..."

 

He keeps calling me up apologizing but I can't go back there.

 

I WISH I left after the first time, and not have wasted another 2 years of my life. I will tell you the same thing everyone told me. The 1st year is supposed to be the "honeymoon stage" and if the R already has these problems, and he is showing his disrespect/temper. LEAVE BEFORE YOU GET TOO ATTACHED!!!

 

The fights were always about the most stupidest things.

 

Good luck and keep posting. I just left one month ago after 3 years, and it still hurts. Afterwards he acts so nice, Mr. Nice Guy until his next outburst! Scary

 

My self esteem now is low. I mean LOW!

 

When I was married and wanted out alot of the stuff above occured. The screaming , name calling , threats , he did anything and everything to get me to stay. It did not work. It was over . I wanted out. We were young when we got together , 20 years old each. I would leave , he would freak out and want me back.

Now being 11 years , 11 beautiful years of being DIVORCED from this drama king , I feel so much better. The first thing for ANYONE who is being abused in any form is to GET OUT ! Life is clearer as you go along...

Yes sometimes you feel weak ( in the beginning ) and they beg you back. DONT DO IT !

Work on yourself and your new life

[twice_shy]

Sorry it's quite long...

 

My bf and I got into a huge fight yesterday afternoon. It started off because we were disagreeing about something petty, and so he parked the car where we were going to eat and got out, slamming the door and saying he didn't want to fight. So I got out, slammed the door too, and said "I didn't realize we were fighting!" Then he stormed back INTO the car to leave. I was sick of being at his whim (has happened more than once) so I just started walking down the street. About 3 min later, I had cooled down and was starting to walk back to the car, when I got a text from him that said "You have 10 otherwise go home yourself and don't bother coming to my house"...

 

...I went back and of course it escalated from there. He blamed me for his text and for him getting angry (because if I didn't want to fight I was supposed to just suck it up and not say anything when he initially slammed the car door). When I started to cry in the car b/c I was so upset, he started to scream at me, saying that I was making a scene and people were looking at us. He also said that I was "being a cow". I did NOT call him any names nor did I yell at him...I was trying to calm things down but I'm so sick of being treated this way. Then he drove back to his apartment, where I had to get my stuff and he took me home.

 

This is the THIRD time that he's kicked me out of his place after we have an argument. He completely flies off the handle whenever he gets angry. Last time he didn't even come up with me but instead pulled up in front of his apartment and told me to "Get your sh*t".

 

He has texted me twice yesterday, saying that he is sorry and he was wrong. But I'm just so sick of this - he always blames me for his actions and this has happened too many times. I love him, but I don't want to be yelled at, blamed, and called a cow. What do you think?

 

We have been together about 1 year...

 

I'd say yes, leave him. It doesn't sound like you two are good together at all. I can't imagine being in a relationship like this.

 

You don't need this and you can find better.

[RavenHair]

Sorry it's quite long...

 

My bf and I got into a huge fight yesterday afternoon. It started off because we were disagreeing about something petty, and so he parked the car where we were going to eat and got out, slamming the door and saying he didn't want to fight. So I got out, slammed the door too, and said "I didn't realize we were fighting!" Then he stormed back INTO the car to leave. I was sick of being at his whim (has happened more than once) so I just started walking down the street. About 3 min later, I had cooled down and was starting to walk back to the car, when I got a text from him that said "You have 10 otherwise go home yourself and don't bother coming to my house"...

 

...I went back and of course it escalated from there. He blamed me for his text and for him getting angry (because if I didn't want to fight I was supposed to just suck it up and not say anything when he initially slammed the car door). When I started to cry in the car b/c I was so upset, he started to scream at me, saying that I was making a scene and people were looking at us. He also said that I was "being a cow". I did NOT call him any names nor did I yell at him...I was trying to calm things down but I'm so sick of being treated this way. Then he drove back to his apartment, where I had to get my stuff and he took me home.

 

This is the THIRD time that he's kicked me out of his place after we have an argument. He completely flies off the handle whenever he gets angry. Last time he didn't even come up with me but instead pulled up in front of his apartment and told me to "Get your sh*t".

 

He has texted me twice yesterday, saying that he is sorry and he was wrong. But I'm just so sick of this - he always blames me for his actions and this has happened too many times. I love him, but I don't want to be yelled at, blamed, and called a cow. What do you think?

 

We have been together about 1 year...

 

This is really simple, dump his sorry butt. You don't need to put up with his crap and from your post, I believe you said he's kicked you out of his apartment three times during arguments...that's just silliness. Save yourself and your sanity and move on. He needs anger management and counseling. Also please don't be one of those people who's willing to wait and hope for the best...see it for what it is and leave him. There's nothing to salvage here.

[Jeylove]

been through this. It must've have happened every weekend or every other weekend while I was with my bf for three years. I finally broke up with him 4 mos. ago. It killed me at first, but I am at my happiest now being on my own and learning to love myself. The decision is up to you. Ask yourself that if your happiness by being w/ him outweighs the way he makes you cry all these times. And this is after 1 year of dating, imagine how it's gonna be down the road? One thing I learned from men: they never change.

[marlena]

If only I could give you foresight to see how this will play out if you stay with this man.

 

His temper will get worse and the incidents will increase, he will rage at you over the simplest little things, he will disrespect and try to control you, he will call you more and more names until one day this name calling will be accompanied by a slap or two, and then, more violence,pushing,punching,kicking, he will kick you out at a drop of hat and on and on and on the list goes. Have no doubt, he will make your life a living hell. You will wind up being confused, messed up, miserable, afraid and you will internalize all this and think it is your fault.

 

These are huge warning signs. He will not change, not for the better at any rate. What you see is what you get. I wish I could make young girls see this.

 

 

If he is treating you like this now, how will it be three,five,ten years from now? I shudder to even think.

 

Your apologizing was wrong. Now he knows you are weak and he will exploit this weakness, he will abuse the love you have because you enable him to do so.

 

If there is one thing I tell my daughter and nieces (I love young girls and feel very protective of them) is NEVER to hook up with a nervous guy, a guy with a temper and anger issues, a guy who does not not how to discuss but rather resorts to emotional or physical abuse. I advise them to RUN for the hills the minute he displays this type of behaviour.

 

And this is my advice to you. I would hate to see yet another nice young lady in the clutches of a man who flares up over nothing and then proceeds to be abusive.

 

Can you imagine what he will be like when the problems get were bigger, more serious? I mean if he can react like this over something so silly, what he will do, say, when you are married and have children and hard times come?

 

I know it is difficult as you have invested in this person emotionally. LEAVE now before you really fall even harder.

 

Better cry now then fifteen years down the road when he will have taken away every shred of self-respect you have.

 

I am sorry,truly, but this is my experience talking. I made a similar mistake when I was young and I lived to regret it.

 

Marlena

[lollipop]

Hello all,

 

Thank you very much for all your concern and advice. Just wanted to update you on my situation. I've decided to stay in the relationship for now. We have made up and things are still a little bit rocky but I assume they will be fine for now. I know that most of you think I should bail on this relationship now, but I'm not quite ready to give up on him and our relationship just yet. It took a lot for us to finally get together, and I would really like to see it through, at least for now. I'll let you all know how it goes!

[SpanksTheMonkey]

 

Also, people who show anger problems early on in a relationship, ALWAYS end up hitting/hurting their partners physically later on.

 

You would be insane to even see this guy ever again IMO.

This is right on good advice look poster #1 I'm in a nasty abusive relashionship and let me tell you they dont change.

 

Sure it starts with one name once then once that boundary is crossed its every time they get angry with you your a cow or stupid or a dummey and so on and so forth!

 

You cannot change this man!!! my advice from some one who is much further down the extreamely painfull road your just starting to walk down now is leave now before he hurts/hits you.

 

It will happen its just a matter of when he gets angry enough to take it that next step please trust me on this and save yourself the heartake ok...

[SpanksTheMonkey]

Hello all,

 

Thank you very much for all your concern and advice. Just wanted to update you on my situation. I've decided to stay in the relationship for now. We have made up and things are still a little bit rocky but I assume they will be fine for now. I know that most of you think I should bail on this relationship now, but I'm not quite ready to give up on him and our relationship just yet. It took a lot for us to finally get together, and I would really like to see it through, at least for now. I'll let you all know how it goes!

Thats sad sorry to hear for you...

[whichwayisup]

, but I'm not quite ready to give up on him and our relationship just yet.

I can understand that, because you love him and want to give him time to see if he is going to change his behaviour. Is he willing to make that effort? Or go seek some counselling to help him cope with his anger issues? I hope you're staying for the right reasons - Even though you've stated why you're staying, make sure it isn't because you don't want to be without a boyfriend and are scared to be alone.

 

Good luck and hopefully the next update will be a positive one.

[Mary3]

Actually being kicked out 3 times is abuse ! Its insulting and degrading , its humiliating and belittling.

 

OP does not realize she is in an abusive relationship. She has decided to go back for more.

 

OP needs counseling to understand why she loves herself so little to go back for ROUND # 4

 

I hope it does not take the rest of her life or a serious black eye to make her come back here and ask us why this happened ?

 

Abuse starts out gradual. It advances at your REQUEST .

 

You can allow it or get STRONG , get HELP and MOVE ON .

[Mary3]

OP should ALSO read her first POST.

 

Her boyfriend is out of control. He is immature. He is childlike. He slams the door like a 4th grader and shes eating all this up. He needs anger management and a SWIFT dumping by his girlfriend. But he has her right where he wants her. Abusing her.

 

Normal healthy women would NOT put up with this garbage.

 

Where does it end OP?

 

You can't be that in love , for in fact , you dont love yourself and your boyfriend does not LOVE you. This is a TOXIC relationship which will poison and sicken you ...

 

Niether of you know what real love is.