Lizzie60 Posted June 15, 2008 Posted June 15, 2008 So you have never raged then? Never thrown something, clenched your fist, raised your voice, slammed a door? Told your SO to "go away" using swear words? You're a better human being than most people. No... it's not about being better than most.. it's a personality thing.. it wasn't in me to yell.. slam doors... swear.. Of course I got mad.. but it wasn't like that.. There are ways to let people know how you feel.. without calling them pigs, cows, swearing and yelling at them.. it is stupid and immature IMO. Now.. I get hot flashes.. I go through 'rage' as you call it.. with strangers now.. never with people I love..
carrotgirl Posted June 15, 2008 Posted June 15, 2008 Now.. I get hot flashes.. I go through 'rage' as you call it.. with strangers now.. never with people I love.. Be afraid. Be very afraid!
mental_traveller Posted June 16, 2008 Posted June 16, 2008 Oh my lordie.. this is bad.. only been dating.. and look how he treats you.. imagine after 5 years of marriage.. he would knock you out.. I say leave him now or tell him to go to anger management counselling.. this guy is potentially dangerous.. There are NO excuses for yelling and calling you names.. this is the first step to a more agressive behaviour.. this is how it starts.. NEVER EVER PUT UP WITH a screamer and a name caller.. NEVER!!! You're adults and you should be treated with respect.. period. I agree. People don't change for the better, as a rule. When they do, it's through some radical near-death experience or something equally drastic, never because their partner asks them. Also, people who show anger problems early on in a relationship, ALWAYS end up hitting/hurting their partners physically later on. You would be insane to even see this guy ever again IMO.
J2FT1 Posted June 16, 2008 Posted June 16, 2008 Sorry it's quite long... My bf and I got into a huge fight yesterday afternoon. It started off because we were disagreeing about something petty What were you guys fighting about? It may be more important than it seems. Are are there any patterns in the things you two fight about? We have been together about 1 year... Surely you've accepted part of the blame for the problem, because if he IS the bad guy (as so many posters have assumed), why have you been with him for a whole year?
Author lollipop Posted June 16, 2008 Author Posted June 16, 2008 What were you guys fighting about? It may be more important than it seems. Are are there any patterns in the things you two fight about? Actually, when I said petty - it truly was petty. I asked him whether he would sleep or eat first if he was really hungry/sleepy, and he said that he would eat first. He said that his was the right answer b/c of evolutionary reasons...and I disagreed. Chaos ensued...basically, I would not concede that he was "right". And as for why I've been with him, it's only been within the last 2 months that it's become like this. Of course he had not been like this since day 1.
Lizzie60 Posted June 16, 2008 Posted June 16, 2008 Actually, when I said petty - it truly was petty. I asked him whether he would sleep or eat first if he was really hungry/sleepy, and he said that he would eat first. He said that his was the right answer b/c of evolutionary reasons...and I disagreed. Chaos ensued...basically, I would not concede that he was "right". And as for why I've been with him, it's only been within the last 2 months that it's become like this. Of course he had not been like this since day 1. See.. it already started to degenerate.. so leave him now before it's too late..
whichwayisup Posted June 16, 2008 Posted June 16, 2008 And as for why I've been with him, it's only been within the last 2 months that it's become like this. Of course he had not been like this since day 1. Then think and see if you can remember what's changed in the past few months. If this sudden outburst of anger is recent and he's not acted like this in the past, then something else is going on inside his head.
J2FT1 Posted June 16, 2008 Posted June 16, 2008 Actually, when I said petty - it truly was petty. I asked him whether he would sleep or eat first if he was really hungry/sleepy, and he said that he would eat first. He said that his was the right answer b/c of evolutionary reasons...and I disagreed. Chaos ensued... And as for why I've been with him, it's only been within the last 2 months that it's become like this. Of course he had not been like this since day 1. :laugh: Ok, the discussion was funny. I think he was right in saying the you would eat have to eat first, though. This is because the body needs energy to do anything. Yes, you even need energy (as in calories) to sleep. Yes, you should talk to him and do what WWIU has suggested.
whichwayisup Posted June 16, 2008 Posted June 16, 2008 See.. it already started to degenerate.. so leave him now before it's too late.. I think this statement is abit of an overreaction. So 2 months of him not being too nice is worth throwing away the rest of the relationship? Let's see if they can work through this, if he can change his behaviour, find out what the real issues are here. For all we know he could be acting this way so she WILL break up with him.
Lizzie60 Posted June 16, 2008 Posted June 16, 2008 I think this statement is abit of an overreaction. So 2 months of him not being too nice is worth throwing away the rest of the relationship? Let's see if they can work through this, if he can change his behaviour, find out what the real issues are here. For all we know he could be acting this way so she WILL break up with him. I am convinced that this guy won't change.. usually when it starts to be like that.. there is more to it.. he is probably bored with her.. or slowly falling out of love with her.. that's my bet.. anyway he's not as interested as he used to be.. he will not change for the better.. he will only degenerate. IMO. Better to leave abusers as soon as we see they are abusers.. no? I would.
Kamille Posted June 16, 2008 Posted June 16, 2008 How old is he? Not saying it excuses his behaviour, just want to get a better idea. I'm with WWIU, mostly because I have been in a relationship where we fought a lot and at one point we decided to learn to communicate better and it actually worked. It took awhile, but we would start fighting and then look at each other and we would just burst out laughing because of how ridiculous the topics of our fights were. Of course, both partners have to want to make things work.
carhill Posted June 16, 2008 Posted June 16, 2008 Actually, when I said petty - it truly was petty. I asked him whether he would sleep or eat first if he was really hungry/sleepy, and he said that he would eat first. He said that his was the right answer b/c of evolutionary reasons...and I disagreed. Chaos ensued...basically, I would not concede that he was "right". And as for why I've been with him, it's only been within the last 2 months that it's become like this. Of course he had not been like this since day 1. Sounds dumb but maybe he's developing hypoglycemia. My wife has this and, if she doesn't eat on time, watch out. I've been embarrassed more than once in public when she hasn't eaten. Maybe that's why he defended his position, because he hadn't eaten either. Just sayin' No excuse for the cow part though, IMO. No one deserves that, not even my wife when she's chasing me with a fryin' pan....
whichwayisup Posted June 16, 2008 Posted June 16, 2008 am convinced that this guy won't change.. usually when it starts to be like that.. there is more to it.. he is probably bored with her.. or slowly falling out of love with her.. that's my bet.. anyway he's not as interested as he used to be.. he will not change for the better.. he will only degenerate. IMO. We only know what the OP is telling us, and it's IMPOSSIBLE to know if this guy will change or not, either way he should be given the chance to change his behaviour. Why should she give up on him just because he's been abit of an a-hole in the past few months? Too many people give up on their relationships as soon as things get rocky or change slightly, or they go and cheat. What ever happened to sitting down and really talking, having an honest and open conversation? Working it out...
J2FT1 Posted June 16, 2008 Posted June 16, 2008 Sounds dumb but maybe he's developing hypoglycemia. My wife has this and, if she doesn't eat on time, watch out. I've been embarrassed more than once in public when she hasn't eaten. Maybe that's why he defended his position, because he hadn't eaten either. Just sayin' No excuse for the cow part though, IMO. No one deserves that, not even my wife when she's chasing me with a fryin' pan.... I think the OP meant this as something random that they talked (and apparently argued about) about on their way to where they were going.
carhill Posted June 16, 2008 Posted June 16, 2008 Yep, sounds exactly like the usual scenarios with my wife. We're always driving somewhere (lunchtime is usually the worst) and then boom!. She can change in five minutes. I thought the connection between the argument subject matter and my experience to be quite ironic
Mary3 Posted June 16, 2008 Posted June 16, 2008 Did we all miss something here ?? He KICKED her out 3 times ! He called her names , he disrespected her , he loses control . He could be bi~polar . Sure reminds me of the dude I wasted some time with who neglected to tell me about his mania.... Stay out OP ! Before you get seriously hurt. No more wondering should I stay or should I go now ?? There should be no questioning what you should do....
J2FT1 Posted June 16, 2008 Posted June 16, 2008 Yep, sounds exactly like the usual scenarios with my wife. We're always driving somewhere (lunchtime is usually the worst) and then boom!. She can change in five minutes. I thought the connection between the argument subject matter and my experience to be quite ironic :laugh:I think the OP meant it has a TOPIC that she started to talk to him about, to pass the time. You know, something random to discuss. Kind of like if I asked "would you have a dinosaur for a pet if they were still around?" sort of thing.
Trialbyfire Posted June 16, 2008 Posted June 16, 2008 lollipop, he's bad news. No one ever deserves yelling, name calling and throwing you out of his place and controlling threats like he gave through text. With someone like this, you will never succeed in calming them down through an emotional display by returning anger or crying. If you want to calm him down, get cold and direct. Truth be told, I don't see why it would be your job to help him to control his own anger.
Mary3 Posted June 16, 2008 Posted June 16, 2008 lollipop, he's bad news. No one ever deserves yelling, name calling and throwing you out of his place and controlling threats like he gave through text. With someone like this, you will never succeed in calming them down through an emotional display by returning anger or crying. If you want to calm him down, get cold and direct. Truth be told, I don't see why it would be your job to help him to control his own anger. Sooooooo very very TRUE ! You can't fix him, you can't control his anger. He needs help for all that. I still would not stay even if he fixed it...Sometimes things are damaged beyond repair,....like your Heart
carhill Posted June 16, 2008 Posted June 16, 2008 :laugh:I think the OP meant it has a TOPIC that she started to talk to him about, to pass the time. You know, something random to discuss. Kind of like if I asked "would you have a dinosaur for a pet if they were still around?" sort of thing. Yep, it's the random topics that are the worst. It's like "why are you wasting my time with this cr@p?" On-topic, if he's physically kicked her out 3 times prior, he has more issues than some simple meds or diet can help with. Sorry I didn't read the backstory
daphne Posted June 16, 2008 Posted June 16, 2008 Lolli, In my experience with an abuser, this is just the beginning. The behavior in itself is pretty alarming and abnormal. I have a temper as well. I simply walk away and cool off and discuss things rationally. Most of teh guys I've dated do not resort to name calling, throwing me out or anything like that. I choose to be with someone who is neither physically or mentally abusive. I left one guy because he started to get a little verbally abusive and controlling. The choice is yours. It's well and nice that some people on the forum are giving him the benefit of the doubt. However, unless you are ommitting, exaggerating, making this stuff up, I do not. He will only get worse. The fact that you have allowed him to disrespect you repeatedly means he has the green light to continue to do so. And he will. And the next time he'll up the ante. You have some miserable times to look forward to, because the vast majority of people simply don't change teh core of who they are. If you want to keep your self esteem, I'd walk.
GPFan Posted June 16, 2008 Posted June 16, 2008 This is a pattern of behaviour? Oil and Water here! Do you have firm boundaries? If not, now is the time to establish them. Imagine yourself 10-years and 2-children into the future. Imagine your current relationship with the added stresses of managing a marriage and family. Is this what you want for yourself and any future children?
Pildyk Posted June 16, 2008 Posted June 16, 2008 IF you love him then speak with him about his anger, tell him that if he will continue doing that you will leave yourself and he might stop doing that
Pluto Posted June 16, 2008 Posted June 16, 2008 Pluto, I have a notoriously hot temper. GD has his own flares. We're at least self aware and no, we're not always able to laugh it off. We deal with our anger differently, which isn't to say we don't act out but no, we don't throw things, scream at each other, make threats, name call, swear at the other or tell the other to fucck off or the like. We also don't blame the other for our individual flipping out. Which isn't to say we haven't been horrid to each other. We have. We've also been less than amiable to other people. We're human, but if I treated any one of my friends the way lollipop described, they wouldn't be my friends anymore. And if I acted like that with GD? Or the other way around? There wouldn't be any fighting. There would only be walking. For instance, if lollipop's fight had seen either of us walking away, we would have kept walking. There's not a doubt in my mind. Carrot You're a better man than I am, because I find it difficult to control my temper especially around around my younger sister who has a serious attitude problem and treats me like dirt. Just this morning she threw a large mirror in my direction and you are asking me to act rationally. I calmed down after a few minutes, but if she was a man, I'd have used physical violence. I wouldn't treat anyone the way in which the OP's boyfriend has because that is a sign of mental health problems, but I am a hothead when and when someone steps over my boundary then my unpleasant side comes to surface. I don't like it, but it exists and it is my own way of defending myself. No... it's not about being better than most.. it's a personality thing.. it wasn't in me to yell.. slam doors... swear.. Of course I got mad.. but it wasn't like that.. There are ways to let people know how you feel.. without calling them pigs, cows, swearing and yelling at them.. it is stupid and immature IMO. Now.. I get hot flashes.. I go through 'rage' as you call it.. with strangers now.. never with people I love.. It is easy for you to say, you don't suffer from short man syndrome, I have Nordic and Celtic blood in me, what happens when the Vikings and Celts met? It was a lethal cocktail. It is stupid and it is immature, but when I see redmist I have no control over my actions, it is like I go into this trance and just have to get all the rage out. Of course afterwards, I feel relieved and then guilty/remorseful. But that's my way of dealing with confrontation.
MaxManwell Posted June 16, 2008 Posted June 16, 2008 Sorry it's quite long... My bf and I got into a huge fight yesterday afternoon. It started off because we were disagreeing about something petty, and so he parked the car where we were going to eat and got out, slamming the door and saying he didn't want to fight. So I got out, slammed the door too, and said "I didn't realize we were fighting!" Then he stormed back INTO the car to leave. I was sick of being at his whim (has happened more than once) so I just started walking down the street. About 3 min later, I had cooled down and was starting to walk back to the car, when I got a text from him that said "You have 10 otherwise go home yourself and don't bother coming to my house"... ...I went back and of course it escalated from there. He blamed me for his text and for him getting angry (because if I didn't want to fight I was supposed to just suck it up and not say anything when he initially slammed the car door). When I started to cry in the car b/c I was so upset, he started to scream at me, saying that I was making a scene and people were looking at us. He also said that I was "being a cow". I did NOT call him any names nor did I yell at him...I was trying to calm things down but I'm so sick of being treated this way. Then he drove back to his apartment, where I had to get my stuff and he took me home. This is the THIRD time that he's kicked me out of his place after we have an argument. He completely flies off the handle whenever he gets angry. Last time he didn't even come up with me but instead pulled up in front of his apartment and told me to "Get your sh*t". He has texted me twice yesterday, saying that he is sorry and he was wrong. But I'm just so sick of this - he always blames me for his actions and this has happened too many times. I love him, but I don't want to be yelled at, blamed, and called a cow. What do you think? We have been together about 1 year... No you're both just acting like over emotional children and need to calm down. Breaking up would be silly as you obviously care about each other enough to get that angry in the first place.
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