lollipop Posted June 15, 2008 Posted June 15, 2008 Sorry it's quite long... My bf and I got into a huge fight yesterday afternoon. It started off because we were disagreeing about something petty, and so he parked the car where we were going to eat and got out, slamming the door and saying he didn't want to fight. So I got out, slammed the door too, and said "I didn't realize we were fighting!" Then he stormed back INTO the car to leave. I was sick of being at his whim (has happened more than once) so I just started walking down the street. About 3 min later, I had cooled down and was starting to walk back to the car, when I got a text from him that said "You have 10 otherwise go home yourself and don't bother coming to my house"... ...I went back and of course it escalated from there. He blamed me for his text and for him getting angry (because if I didn't want to fight I was supposed to just suck it up and not say anything when he initially slammed the car door). When I started to cry in the car b/c I was so upset, he started to scream at me, saying that I was making a scene and people were looking at us. He also said that I was "being a cow". I did NOT call him any names nor did I yell at him...I was trying to calm things down but I'm so sick of being treated this way. Then he drove back to his apartment, where I had to get my stuff and he took me home. This is the THIRD time that he's kicked me out of his place after we have an argument. He completely flies off the handle whenever he gets angry. Last time he didn't even come up with me but instead pulled up in front of his apartment and told me to "Get your sh*t". He has texted me twice yesterday, saying that he is sorry and he was wrong. But I'm just so sick of this - he always blames me for his actions and this has happened too many times. I love him, but I don't want to be yelled at, blamed, and called a cow. What do you think? We have been together about 1 year...
whichwayisup Posted June 15, 2008 Posted June 15, 2008 I wouldn't break up with him quite yet but I definately would talk to him and let him know that his anger, his behaviour better change fast. Suggest that he goes to get some anger management and maybe offer to do couples counselling with him. You two need to learn HOW to communicate and listen to eachother, to respect eachother and he needs to stop the name calling too. Is he worth the effort to try and fix this? Or would it be easier to end it now and walk away. This is your choice.
carrotgirl Posted June 15, 2008 Posted June 15, 2008 No. You shouldn't stay with anyone who treats you like this. Dump the dude. Carrot
Lizzie60 Posted June 15, 2008 Posted June 15, 2008 Oh my lordie.. this is bad.. only been dating.. and look how he treats you.. imagine after 5 years of marriage.. he would knock you out.. I say leave him now or tell him to go to anger management counselling.. this guy is potentially dangerous.. There are NO excuses for yelling and calling you names.. this is the first step to a more agressive behaviour.. this is how it starts.. NEVER EVER PUT UP WITH a screamer and a name caller.. NEVER!!! You're adults and you should be treated with respect.. period.
Author lollipop Posted June 15, 2008 Author Posted June 15, 2008 Oh my lordie.. this is bad.. only been dating.. and look how he treats you.. imagine after 5 years of marriage.. he would knock you out.. I say leave him now or tell him to go to anger management counselling.. this guy is potentially dangerous.. There are NO excuses for yelling and calling you names.. this is the first step to a more agressive behaviour.. this is how it starts.. This is what I'm afraid of...I hear so many stories about verbal abuse escalating to physical abuse. I dont' know if my BF would hit me (he has never hit me and I haven't ever felt physically threatened) , but I don't want to ignore any potential warning signs either.
whichwayisup Posted June 15, 2008 Posted June 15, 2008 Who knows if he just is a moody person and needs to learn how to control his outbursts, being an a-hole once in a while doesn't make someone an abuser. BUT, if his behaviour doesn't change after speaking to him, and he makes no effort to try to control this and how he treats you, then he's not worth fighting for.
Lizzie60 Posted June 15, 2008 Posted June 15, 2008 This is what I'm afraid of...I hear so many stories about verbal abuse escalating to physical abuse. I dont' know if my BF would hit me (he has never hit me and I haven't ever felt physically threatened) , but I don't want to ignore any potential warning signs either. and trust me THEY ARE WARNING SIGNS... huge red flags.. He needs to calm down and learn how to deal with his anger..and how to communicate like a mature, responsible adult.. DO NOT let him abuse you.. verbally or any other way...
whichwayisup Posted June 15, 2008 Posted June 15, 2008 So I got out, slammed the door too, The other thing is, you have control over your own reactions, so slamming the door as well probably fed into his mood even more - NOT that it's an excuse, it's just that pouring salt into the wounds while he's already in the midst of a tantrum only makes it worse..
2sunny Posted June 15, 2008 Posted June 15, 2008 i would kick that guy to the curb so fast his head would spin. i lived that life for 25 miserable years - which lead to very unhealthy coping skills on my part. if you want misery - stay. if you want some sort of peace and consistency - keep him away!
Lizzie60 Posted June 15, 2008 Posted June 15, 2008 Who knows if he just is a moody person and needs to learn how to control his outbursts, being an a-hole once in a while doesn't make someone an abuser. BUT, if his behaviour doesn't change after speaking to him, and he makes no effort to try to control this and how he treats you, then he's not worth fighting for. Sorry but yes it does... I have never, in my life, been abused verbally by a partner.. I have never been yelled at or called names... Oh... it happened once.. with my last ex.. but I left soon after... he was fuming cause I had sex with a young Cuban while on vacation.. (we weren't together at that time)..
whichwayisup Posted June 15, 2008 Posted June 15, 2008 If he didn't name call but was still moody and abit of an a-hole that makes someone an abuser? I'm just curious because that's abit double standard - It's okay for a woman (don't get me wrong here as I AM a woman) to be bitchy and pissy at times during her cycle, expect her boyfriend or husband to put up with it but a guy can't be abit of an a-hole at times? I know I'm not wording this right so please NOONE take this out of context in the sense that I'm telling the OP to STAY in an abusive relationship, I'm not, I'm just trying to see if this guy has some issues and problems that can be dealt with and changed so he won't behave this way towards her. Question is, IS he worth this chance or would it better all around if she were to break up with him now? I'd like to hear some other examples of how he treats her, how often and what sets him off, how far into an argument does he change and get into a-hole mode..
carrotgirl Posted June 15, 2008 Posted June 15, 2008 whichwayisup, I'm at a loss for why you would support staying with someone who behaves this way whether there is a propensity for further abuse or not. This is abusive behavior. Would you recommend putting up with this treatment from a platonic friend? If a parent behaved this way to a child in our midst we would be appalled. Why would you recommend putting up with this abuse from a lover? lollipop, this is unacceptable behavior in any circumstance. Don't put up with it from anyone. Ever. Carrot
Author lollipop Posted June 15, 2008 Author Posted June 15, 2008 I'd like to hear some other examples of how he treats her, how often and what sets him off, how far into an argument does he change and get into a-hole mode.. Lately we have been having major arguments like this maybe once every 2-3 weeks. He is very good to me otherwise. But he hits his tipping point pretty quickly, and then it's KA-BOOM!! Insta-rage. I don't feel like he knows how to control his anger and he lashes out.
OpenBook Posted June 15, 2008 Posted June 15, 2008 I'm with you, WWIU. This is such a crucial part of the dating experience -- defining your own dealbreakers. They're different for each person. And nobody can set them for you - it's all up to you. It also depends on the person you're with - how much you love the other parts about him... weighing everything out. That being said, it's nice to hear other takes on it.
whichwayisup Posted June 15, 2008 Posted June 15, 2008 I'm at a loss for why you would support staying with someone who behaves this way whether there is a propensity for further abuse or not. I'm not telling her to stay, that choice is up to her. All I am doing is asking her questions to make her think. You tell me please, is OK for a woman to have bad PMS and have her PMS moments uncontrolled and expect a boyfriend or husband to stick around? Hello!! MANY husbands and boyfriends put up with that stuff because they love their SO. This is abusive behavior. It is if he is doing this ALOT and isn't willing to change or make any effort to make it better. Ofcourse if she upset more and more and all the good stuff is less and less, that's a sign to leave.. Lately we have been having major arguments like this maybe once every 2-3 weeks. He is very good to me otherwise. But he hits his tipping point pretty quickly, and then it's KA-BOOM!! Insta-rage. I don't feel like he knows how to control his anger and he lashes out. Sounds like he needs anger management and needs to learn to control his temper, reactions and stop'n'think, slow down before freaking out. This IS something that can be changed IF he wants to change himself...Talk to him about this. I'm with you, WWIU. This is such a crucial part of the dating experience -- defining your own dealbreakers. They're different for each person. And nobody can set them for you - it's all up to you. It also depends on the person you're with - how much you love the other parts about him... weighing everything out. That being said, it's nice to hear other takes on it. I guess I was playing devil's advocate to make the OP think abit... OB you're right, everyone has their own dealbreakers and boundries. If the good outweighs the bad most of the time and one feels the other is worth it, then that's their choice, who am I to tell them DUMP THE A-hole.
Pluto Posted June 15, 2008 Posted June 15, 2008 Having a short fuse isn't a terrible thing, I have a short fuse and blow my gasket at times, especially when people challenge me in an argument or a fight then expect me to play nice. All is fair in love and war, if you don't want an Atomic Bomb sized verbal propelled in your direction, then don't ignite it. If you can't handle the heat, get out of the kitchen.
whichwayisup Posted June 15, 2008 Posted June 15, 2008 The disrespect and name calling can be excluded from someone who has a quick temper. if you don't want an Atomic Bomb sized verbal propelled in your direction, then don't ignite it. Nah, now that's blaming the other person for their outbursts. Each of us has control over our own emotions and reactions. If you (general you) allow someone to push your buttons, enough to explode, it's mostly your responsibility to control yourself, not put the blame on someone else. That's the cowards way...Sorry.
Pluto Posted June 15, 2008 Posted June 15, 2008 Hvaing read the Lollipop's original thread, her boyfriend is an ass and she should dump him, not even I react like that. All I am saying is that if people want to challenge me, feel free, but then don't cry or moan when I launch an assault back, I have a very course tongue it can cut through most stern of customers. The way I see it is, if people want me to be kind to them, then don't cross my boundary and drive my patience. You need to set up boundaries and reprimand those who cross them.
Lizzie60 Posted June 15, 2008 Posted June 15, 2008 If he didn't name call but was still moody and abit of an a-hole that makes someone an abuser? I'm just curious because that's abit double standard - It's okay for a woman (don't get me wrong here as I AM a woman) to be bitchy and pissy at times during her cycle, expect her boyfriend or husband to put up with it but a guy can't be abit of an a-hole at times? I know I'm not wording this right so please NOONE take this out of context in the sense that I'm telling the OP to STAY in an abusive relationship, I'm not, I'm just trying to see if this guy has some issues and problems that can be dealt with and changed so he won't behave this way towards her. Question is, IS he worth this chance or would it better all around if she were to break up with him now? I'd like to hear some other examples of how he treats her, how often and what sets him off, how far into an argument does he change and get into a-hole mode.. Being moody or pissy once in a while is quite normal.. but the yelling and name calling isn't... I've been moody with PMS.. and whatnot.. I have never yelled at my partner.. this is not me.. and I never called them pigs, etc... This is immature behaviour.. and immature behaviour leads to much dangerous and important abuse..
Pluto Posted June 15, 2008 Posted June 15, 2008 Being moody or pissy once in a while is quite normal.. but the yelling and name calling isn't... I've been moody with PMS.. and whatnot.. I have never yelled at my partner.. this is not me.. and I never called them pigs, etc... This is immature behaviour.. and immature behaviour leads to much dangerous and important abuse.. It's another Mary Whitehouse.
Lizzie60 Posted June 15, 2008 Posted June 15, 2008 It's another Mary Whitehouse. No.. I don't think so...
carrotgirl Posted June 15, 2008 Posted June 15, 2008 It's another Mary Whitehouse. Oh my god! Comparing Lizzie to Mary Whitehouse is hysterical! :lmao: Carrot
Pluto Posted June 15, 2008 Posted June 15, 2008 So you have never raged then? Never thrown something, clenched your fist, raised your voice, slammed a door? Told your SO to "go away" using swear words? You're a better human being than most people.
Lizzie60 Posted June 15, 2008 Posted June 15, 2008 Oh my god! Comparing Lizzie to Mary Whitehouse is hysterical! :lmao: Carrot Oh.. I thought he was comparing the OP with her.. not me.. I'm quite the opposite.. actually..
carrotgirl Posted June 15, 2008 Posted June 15, 2008 So you have never raged then? Never thrown something, clenched your fist, raised your voice, slammed a door? Told your SO to "go away" using swear words? You're a better human being than most people. Pluto, I have a notoriously hot temper. GD has his own flares. We're at least self aware and no, we're not always able to laugh it off. We deal with our anger differently, which isn't to say we don't act out but no, we don't throw things, scream at each other, make threats, name call, swear at the other or tell the other to fucck off or the like. We also don't blame the other for our individual flipping out. Which isn't to say we haven't been horrid to each other. We have. We've also been less than amiable to other people. We're human, but if I treated any one of my friends the way lollipop described, they wouldn't be my friends anymore. And if I acted like that with GD? Or the other way around? There wouldn't be any fighting. There would only be walking. For instance, if lollipop's fight had seen either of us walking away, we would have kept walking. There's not a doubt in my mind. Carrot
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