Should I ask her to TELL me she doesn't love me?

[ButtHead]

For those of you who don't know, My gf of one year and I broke up about 6 months ago. I tried to get her back, but while she was almost seeing someone else. Eventually, she chose this other guy and it's been 3 months with him.

 

I have been on the craziest emotional roller coaster ever. I tried to get back with her a while back, but she told me to move on and I can't expect her to leave her bf for me (it hurts to think why it's acceptable to leave me for this guy who I'd like to add is uglier than me and she already told me that for whatever reason).

 

Anyways, my head keeps telling me about possibilities of getting back that I know have a very low rate of success. Some weeks I'm over, but sometimes I'm as brokenhearted as the day she left.

 

I really want to end this. Maybe my head will stop trying to get back with her if she tells me that she doesn't love me anymore.

 

Should I ask her to tell me that she doesn't love me anymore? I figure it's a win win. If she doesn't, I'm in pain again, but I'll stop thinking I have a chance with her. If she does, I'm in pain again, but at least I can hold on to the hope of getting her back.

 

I love to open up old wounds.

[Trialbyfire]

guy who I'd like to add is uglier than me and she already told me that for whatever reason.

Butthead, this makes me wonder how much of this is ego-driven. You tell me why it's necessary to force a confession from her. It doesn't matter if she still loves you or not. She's with someone else for whatever reasons.

Let her go.

[WiseOne1]

Yea well i think having her to tell you that she doesnt love you will help a little.

 

Even though actions speak louder in words, because shes with someone else. But in a way it does help to be told rather or not if your loved or not.

It might start you on the way to the healing process.

[ButtHead]

Call me crazy, but I am. This is probably the best idea I had. The reason I think I should go through with it is because I shouldn't be scared of her thinking I'm crazy if she's already over me. I would also like to know for sure so I can stop coming up with stupid plans and predictions of how I can get back with her. I'm still thinking about it. I still think she's coming back. Above all logic, I want it so badly that I still can't accept that she could be gone forever. That's how I'm thinking and I know I need to stop it. Even though I'm trying to make myself a better person and get over her, I'm doing it because I know it's the best chance to get her back. I'm just sick of all of this. I just want to be myself again. And it's been 6 months! She keeps told me I should be over it. I'm starting to think I can't get over her. I need a real reality kick in the balls.

 

BTW I was making great progress until I started having recurring dreams about us getting back together. Now I'm back to square one. My attempts are futile.

[replicator]

Hey butthead,

 

Asking her that under these circumstances is like asking her to stab you in the heart. You already know what she is going to say. It may be difficult to accept, but if she loved you, you wouldn't be in this situation. Accept it, as hard as it is. You can't move on until you do.

 

I still want my ex back too. The hope is hard to kill.

 

Just face it head on.. Don't suppress reality, it will catch up to you sooner or later.

[Trialbyfire]

Why are you putting your emotional well-being into the hands of someone who doesn't have your best interests in mind?

[carhill]

OP, if you're a true masochist, this is your time.

 

I think your best tactic would be to ask her and then, if she says she doesn't love you and wishes you were dead, tell her you don't believe her. MMM....searing, heart-wrenching pain. Nirvana

[ButtHead]

My heart is already crushed. What's the difference if it's stabbed? I see none.

 

The point is, I keep thinking she still loves me. There's always that tiny bit of hope that I have and every time I think about it, I'm in pain because I don't understand. I don't think anyone can tell me that she doesn't love me anymore. The reason I can't accept it is because - I know I'm in love and I cannot imagine getting over her. If she were in love with me, then how can someone get over it so quickly? I'm too stubborn and I'm sick of all the pain. Every time I'm fine again, something comes back and I think - maybe we can be together again. The only way that's going to even happen is if I expect it not to happen.

 

Maybe I can kill the hope if I ask her this. A part of me wants her to say that she still does love me, but I'm a little prepared for otherwise.

 

I'm only hesitant because it might ruin our friendship, but I don't know how long I can last seeing her with someone else. If I was more sane, I would've killed myself by now. It's a good thing I've sniffed the love blow or as I like to call it, low.

[carhill]

Happy to be wrong, but I don't think there's a friendship to ruin right now, at least in her universe

[v33]

I had to get my ex to come right out and tell me it was over as our break-up was a drawn out thing and I wasn't getting it through my head even though she had a new man and moved out. Talk about clueless, lol. That should have been all I needed.

 

She came over to pack some things up shortly before she left and I asked her to sit down and tell me : that she didn't love me anymore, there is no hope for us, and that she will never hold me again. She obliged and I have to say it didn't help much. It mad me sad, made me angry, but I still wouldn't accept it. Though she never did come by the house after that when I was around and she really shut down our contact big time. She pretty much will have nothing to do with me now, and we spent 4 years together and I was once her world. So I guess when she said she didn't love me, she meant it, haha!

 

I don't know if you really need to hear these words. Look at her actions. Is she calling you? Does she say she wants you back? Is she telling you she loves you? If not, then it is safe to say there isn't much hope.

 

We have a tendency to think that any contact or compassion they give us is a reason to hope that things could work out again, but really, I think we just want the believe. My ex slept with me twice after she left me for a new man, and we had a couple of emotional moments, but in the end she is gone and gone for good. Best to plan for the worst and act accordingly. If sometime in the future you two re-connect in some way you will be better equipped to handle it if you have moved on emotionally.

[ButtHead]

Crap, you're telling me it didn't help? There's pretty much no more romance in our relationship. She calls sometimes to say hi and it makes me happy. She suggested that we spend at least one day a week together so we don't stray apart. This is obviously friendship as I type it out, but I want so badly to think she still loves me. I feel like a moron and I actually feel worthless that she chose another guy over me.

 

Why is it that only one person feels all of this? Why is it that when two people are in love, only one moves on after the breakup.

 

I think I'm going to end up that lost cause that never gets over his first love.

 

LIFE BLOWS!!!!

[carhill]

IMO, she doesn't respect your pain. A friend would. I think it's just an ego feed. Sorry if that sounds harsh.

[ButtHead]

It's not harsh. I'm also scared that I'm just helping her feel like she has it all instead of getting my point across. UGhhhh just thinking about this has made me take a complete reversal on my recovery. Now I'm back to "how can I get her back" phase. I official took a step backwards. Must think clearly, butthead. She's not going to want you back like this and you don't want to want her back.

 

I'm taking years off of my life. It's not even physical pain... such a cruel joke...give me something I love and take it away.

 

I have until Tuesday to think about this. I'm taking her out on that day.

 

Did I mention I'm sick of love? It's just like heroin. It's good when I have it, but once I've tried it, I need to stay on it.

[carhill]

Love (and all emotion) is part of being human. Trust me, you don't want the alternative. One door closes, another opens. Watch your step

[burning 4 revenge]

(it hurts to think why it's acceptable to leave me for this guy who I'd like to add is uglier than me and she already told me that for whatever reason).

its better she tells you about that part instead of telling you about his bigger penis

[WiseOne1]

its better she tells you about that part instead of telling you about his bigger penis

 

Yea that would really suck, and that would hurt more than her telling you that she doesnt love you.

 

One thing i've noticed about this forum, is that we all give advice, but for somereason we cant seem to take our own advice.

 

We tell people move on all the time and that theres other fish in the sea, but if you look back on everyones post they all dont listen to peoples advice, they have to see for them selves.

 

I agree that this could be a bad move by asking her that question, but it may help you get over her, i remember when i found out that my old ex had sex with someone else, it was perfect. I got over her at that exact second, because i knew for sure that it was over, and i never wanted her back or thought about her since then.

[ButtHead]

For all you haters, I did ask her to tell me this. She said she didn't have the heart to, but she said she loves someone else. It was probably the best answer because it wasn't the worst and it wasn't the best outcome.

 

It was more than enough to snap me back into my senses and get the message. I love her, but I'm no longer in love with her. Now I'm looking forward to the rest of my life and I have a feeling it'll be full of women like I was last year.

 

At least now I know exactly what I want in a woman and I'm prepared to make a full commitment for the next person I love.

 

GO CELTICS!!! *drinks some more*

[justaguy2380]

dude, just leave her a lone. alls your doing is driving a wedge between you and her farther. instead of loving you shes gonna hate you. so move on. regardless if your in a relationship or not you cant put someone on the spot to tell you that they love you. if she wanted you to know she loved you she would tell you. if you force someone to tell you that 9 out of 10 times they aint gonna mean it because your putting them on the spot. move on, hang out with friends, start dating again. stay active so you dont think about her.

[ButtHead]

I already have. Can't love someone that loves someone else.

[mr_han]

i did that before. i wanted a straight answer but she did not reply. move on, man. its over. I know it hard to move on not being told that she didnt love you. but the act of dumping you showed her lack of interest to go on life with you. it she still loves you, she wont dump you. it would be painful on her part to dump you if she still loves you. she cant afford to dump you for another guy that she doesnt love.

[mr_han]

when we love, we show love. we give with sheer sincerity. when someone loses the loving feeling, she shows it. what did she do, she dumped you. it is so rare or none at all to dump someone because love is still there.

[ButtHead]

Did anyone read my post? I've already asked and she said she loves someone else, but was unwilling to say that she didn't love me because it's mean and you never know what holds true in the future.

 

I cannot be in love with somebody who loves someone else. There's no point and all efforts are futile. It helped to hear this from her because I have reached another stage in moving on that's better than buying new sunglasses.

 

BTW it's been cloudy so I couldn't use my sunglasses for the past few days. That made me more depressed.

 

I have a reason to move on now. Instead of sitting with my hands under my lap, I'm going to make an effort to find someone else. If not for love, then for friendship. For the rest of the summer, this and work is all I have to live for.

[kaykin1975]

Hey Butthead. I totally hear where you are coming from. I am scared to death to ask my EH if he still loves me because, like you, I am afraid to get the "bad" answer and afraid to ruin what contact we still have. Like you I feel great one day thinking I can do this, then go right back to square one the next. We were married for 8 years and have a 5 year old son together. Maybe you and I should talk and try to get through this together????

[carhill]

OP, find yourself. Someone else is a bit down the road for you yet. When you can think of your ex with polite indifference, it will be your time.

[critter909]

Butthead-

 

I too found some closure from finding out that my ex is seeing someone. It's painful but puts things in perspective. They are moving on, so should I...