Girlxo301 Posted June 15, 2008 Posted June 15, 2008 I have been dating a man for 2 months. We actually met at work. He is 10 years older than me. In the beginning I seriously thought I'd met the perfect man..he was smart, educated, and when we were together it felt like I"d known him my whole life. the thing is, I am starting to feel like I'm just a play thing for him. I mean I've still never met his friends/family. If he has plans with friends for example, he doesn't invite me to go. Then, this past weekend we both had off from work and on saturday I didn't hear from him all day (again we both had the day off and he knew it)..he texted me at 11pm at night asking me what I was doing. I didn't even respond. I was very hurt at him not calling me and the night before when we were together I got this "feeling" like he wasn't as into me. He was gettin aggrivated at things I'd say, telling me I was talking too loud or "how could you say something like that? I thought you were an intelligent girl." It's just weird, in the beginning he was taking me out for romantic dinners and putting on nice music to make love to..now it's like I go over, we have quick sex, and then just hang out and order chinese or pizza. Am I overreacting in thinking that he should have called on a saturday? I mean no call..no text...he has never done that since day 1. We always keep in contact at least at some poing during the day. I just don't want to be made a fool of. Oh and one more thing..he will not consider us exclusive. I know it's early but we've been sleeping together and spending at least 3-4 days a week with each other..at this point I think that is also a red flag?
carhill Posted June 15, 2008 Posted June 15, 2008 My bet is the R progressed too quickly. Go silent on him and reset the clock. Don't let the sex cloud your opinion of how he treats you otherwise. IMO, this is the biggest mistake women make. Oxytocin takes over and the sweet talk/sex tape gets replayed (by the guy) to "fix" things the guy would otherwise be dumped for. "Exclusivity" is a mutual thing. If you want to be exclusive and he says no, that's good information
Jilly Bean Posted June 15, 2008 Posted June 15, 2008 Well, if you started sleeping with him before having an "exclusivity" talk, then he can't really be to blame for this, can he? Did you sleep with him hoping it would "hook him?" Remember, sex doesn't mean the same thing to men and women. It bonds us, and can be recreation for men. To me, it sounds like you gave it all up too soon, and he became complacent. If a man isn't invested in you emotionally, then he will become complacent once they bed you, as this guy has. He didn't call you on SAT because he didn't HAVE to. You have made it all too easy for him, and like Carhill said, the dynamic has progressed too fast for you, and your guy is not on the same page with you. He courted you, you put out, and now he booty calls you to come over for pizza on the couch and a quickie. Yick! Hey - we ALL rush into things from time to time. Sometimes it pans out and it comes together, but most relationships don't get off the ground. Lastly, I personally wouldn't tolerate anyone talking to me the way he did to you. That's crap! If I were you, I'd cut this one loose for sure. He doesn't sound like he's thinking relationship the way you were hoping it would go.
Trialbyfire Posted June 15, 2008 Posted June 15, 2008 Yup, he's not seeing you as anything beyond immediate gratification. When a man sees you as relationship material, he'll never treat you as something disposable. You can try to reset but I'm not convinced he's the type of person who's good for you.
Jyl_Unit Posted June 18, 2008 Posted June 18, 2008 I had a boyfriend that was kind of like that. He was all sweet till he got what he wanted and then it was like I was just something else in the room, like I wasn't important. I know how much that sucks. If he has treating you like this for a bit (and the behavior hasn't changed at all) then I say don't put up with it. There is a chance that he got what he wanted and he's done. But if you really care about him and want to try to make it work, you need to take a step back and see where things started to go wrong. Talk to him about it. If he cares about you, you will be able to work it out.
americanrevgirl Posted June 18, 2008 Posted June 18, 2008 Go with your intution. I wouldn't let myself develop any deeper feelings for this guy. He doesn't really sound like he wants a relationship.
Mary3 Posted June 19, 2008 Posted June 19, 2008 Well, if you started sleeping with him before having an "exclusivity" talk, then he can't really be to blame for this, can he? Did you sleep with him hoping it would "hook him?" Remember, sex doesn't mean the same thing to men and women. It bonds us, and can be recreation for men. To me, it sounds like you gave it all up too soon, and he became complacent. If a man isn't invested in you emotionally, then he will become complacent once they bed you, as this guy has. He didn't call you on SAT because he didn't HAVE to. You have made it all too easy for him, and like Carhill said, the dynamic has progressed too fast for you, and your guy is not on the same page with you. He courted you, you put out, and now he booty calls you to come over for pizza on the couch and a quickie. Yick! Hey - we ALL rush into things from time to time. Sometimes it pans out and it comes together, but most relationships don't get off the ground. Lastly, I personally wouldn't tolerate anyone talking to me the way he did to you. That's crap! If I were you, I'd cut this one loose for sure. He doesn't sound like he's thinking relationship the way you were hoping it would go. Exactly You are booty call. When it works for HIM.] Cut him off for good. You don't mean much to him...
imbewildered Posted June 19, 2008 Posted June 19, 2008 Exactly You are booty call. When it works for HIM.] Cut him off for good. You don't mean much to him... THis HOSTILITY in your replies towards the guy is NOT called for. Why do women get MAD when a guy gets what he wants. You all seem to be really pi$$ed that a guy could get things flowing in a way that PLEASES him . Why all the angst girls? THis is not a good look. Apart from his rather patronising comments, he has done nothing WRONG,or BAD or EVIL. YOu all appear to be demanding that the OP dump him BECAUSE he is getting things just to his liking -as if a man has to be punished for being happy with his rewards from a woman. I don't get it. However, it is clear that his interest has dropped and he is becoming complacent and overly comfortable. The way to deal with this is for her to tell him that she is not happy being "exclusive" anymore and that she wants to date other guys as well. THis breaks his belief that he has "claim" on her and maybe he will be willing to compete again for her affection. THat would work on me.
GPFan Posted June 19, 2008 Posted June 19, 2008 Always trust your intuition, then decide where to go from there.
t_veron Posted June 19, 2008 Posted June 19, 2008 There are other sides to this. You could have called him Saturday so I'm not buying that it's all up to him to always do the calling. Maybe he had a good reason and you blew him off by not talking to him and of course that starts the games of limited contact and resentments from both sides. If you don't act like it's a relationship he'll play the same game too. That goes the same for inviting him out with your friends/family etc. People will usually treat you the way you treat them so I'm not convinced this is him or both of you. As for the way he talks to you it depends on his tone. If he's communicating with you giving you feedback then that's healthy. The way you respond is probably what's pushing him back. I know it's easy to call it a booty call scenerio but it doesn't necessarily have to be. No one likes critisizm but if he's 10 years older you have to assume he knows a little more than you and might have some insight. It's too early in the R to say either way but if you want things to work out then don't be too available for sex but be available when it's a quick coffee date that doesn't involve sex. He got too comfortable which doesn't mean it's bad but are you a gold digger expecting to be wined and dinned or are you looking for someone you are comfortable being around? I think going out on a nice date once a week after the honeymoon is normal so both of you need to step things up and accept it's moving forward. He needs to take you out so communicate this to him and tell him you'd "like" that and not that he "needs" to do it. Put out on date night and one night when you guys are ordering in and chillin. That will force things to go in the right direction.
Mary3 Posted June 19, 2008 Posted June 19, 2008 THis HOSTILITY in your replies towards the guy is NOT called for. Why do women get MAD when a guy gets what he wants. You all seem to be really pi$$ed that a guy could get things flowing in a way that PLEASES him . Why all the angst girls? THis is not a good look. Apart from his rather patronising comments, he has done nothing WRONG,or BAD or EVIL. YOu all appear to be demanding that the OP dump him BECAUSE he is getting things just to his liking -as if a man has to be punished for being happy with his rewards from a woman. I don't get it. However, it is clear that his interest has dropped and he is becoming complacent and overly comfortable. The way to deal with this is for her to tell him that she is not happy being "exclusive" anymore and that she wants to date other guys as well. THis breaks his belief that he has "claim" on her and maybe he will be willing to compete again for her affection. THat would work on me. There is absolutely no hostility in my post. Do we get mad when a guy gets what he wants ? Depends . For me , if thats ALL he wants I end it. No anger involved. I have been dating a man for 2 months. We actually met at work. He is 10 years older than me. In the beginning I seriously thought I'd met the perfect man..he was smart, educated, and when we were together it felt like I"d known him my whole life. the thing is, I am starting to feel like I'm just a play thing for him. I mean I've still never met his friends/family. If he has plans with friends for example, he doesn't invite me to go. Then, this past weekend we both had off from work and on saturday I didn't hear from him all day (again we both had the day off and he knew it)..he texted me at 11pm at night asking me what I was doing. I didn't even respond. I was very hurt at him not calling me and the night before when we were together I got this "feeling" like he wasn't as into me. He was gettin aggrivated at things I'd say, telling me I was talking too loud or "how could you say something like that? I thought you were an intelligent girl." It's just weird, in the beginning he was taking me out for romantic dinners and putting on nice music to make love to..now it's like I go over, we have quick sex, and then just hang out and order chinese or pizza. Am I overreacting in thinking that he should have called on a saturday? I mean no call..no text...he has never done that since day 1. We always keep in contact at least at some poing during the day. I just don't want to be made a fool of. Oh and one more thing..he will not consider us exclusive. I know it's early but we've been sleeping together and spending at least 3-4 days a week with each other..at this point I think that is also a red flag? At 2 months , OP should have met some of his friends by now and maybe his parents if they were in a Relationship. He does not invite her to go to things. Those are just 2 of the classic signs that while he has no problem getting Booty , he does have a problem with something NORMAL like introducing your girl to your friends. THats * if * they are considered in a Relationship. Which this does not appear to be the case. Straight Sex Buddies. Try to put yourself in the OP's situation. She believes and feels hurt that she has not met anyone from his social circle/family. She feels hurt by that. When OP realizes that she is being used then she will stop the contact. Sex is great . I love it . But sex with no feelings isn't so great. I am not minimizing a guys right to have sex and plenty of it. I am trying to show the girls who want MORE and are getting LESS by believing Chemisty + Good Sex = Relationship when it clearly does not for many men. He has done nothing wrong , bad or evil. True . He is acting on his sex drive. Nothing wrong with that. He needs to TELL her that he is just out to get his groove on and nothing more. His not calling is a little red flag that he calls when it works for HIM, Fine let him live that life but don't take her down with him by paying attention to her when it suits him. Its hurting her...
Trialbyfire Posted June 19, 2008 Posted June 19, 2008 Oh and one more thing..he will not consider us exclusive. This is THE key point. You want more, he doesn't. He's told you so. If you're okay being a booty call, that's okay. If you want more, he's not willing to provide the more. You cannot make someone feel differently. When you stay with someone who's been clear about what they want from you, in essence you are agreeing to this type of non-relationship. If you need exclusivity, find someone who's capable of giving it.
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