swes9321 Posted June 15, 2008 Posted June 15, 2008 hi, my bf dumped me one month ago. one week before our 3 year anniversary. i have read so many posts on here that talk about how couples fight, drifted apart etc. we hardly ever fought, we were so happy together! anywho, his reasons for breaking up were first "we have been going out too long"- Friday night ( at my house after I picked him up from a club) "I love my friends more than you"- saturday night, at MY best friends 21st birthday (he was only invited because of me, yet he still showed up) "i dont like you as much as i used to" "I felt trapped in a serious relationship, i still think you're gorgeous, i just need time to grow up" OK, so... i should explain he really is in love with his friennds, he is very immature and was always worried about what they would think of him if he did anything with me, in case it looked like he was pussy whipped. Im pretty sure he only decided he stopped liking me because i was planning a trip for us to mexico which had taken me 3 yrs to convince him to go because he was afraid to miss out on something his friends were doing. all his friends are single and pro surfers so hang around with a lot of 18 yo old groupies, but my ex is definately not as good looking as his friends. which brings me to my next point, we slept together the other day, n last night i picked him up from the club again n he kissed me n said he loves me (but wouldn't take me back) then he said he thinks im so much better than him... my point is, i really love this guy, we are good together when we're alone. ill admit my love is blind but i honestly think he is throwing away something good. SO finally, does anyone think he will come back, after a few months of meaningless hookups with 18yr olds who couldnt care less about him? he said he "wants no obligation which he hasn't had for a while". i have been with other ppl since we broke up n he got incredibly angry n told all his friends i was a dirty slut, but how can u break up with someone n get angry if they move on! my question is how many ppl get back together? all my friends say he doesnt realise what he's losing n will come running back but im not sure, thats why im here asking the whole world also, should i stop all contact to make him miss me or stay friends to remind him im still around "in sight, in mind" (no sex this time tho haha) cheers for any advice
justine4 Posted June 15, 2008 Posted June 15, 2008 Why would you collect him from a club when you're not going out any more? Did you not feel used? If not from that, then from the FWB type behaviour that happened after it? This guy is having his cake and eating it. Not only are you allowing him to do this, you're spoonfeeding the cake to him. DON'T!! Seriously, going down the path you're taking now, he's no reason to get back into a relationship with you - why should he? He has the FWB aspect but without any relationship issues. If you want him to miss you (and its a very hard and difficult step to take, but to be honest, collecting him from clubs and having sex, thats never going to develop back into a relationship) then cutting him off is the only way. How can he miss you and your relationship if you're still around? Besides, do you really want to keep hanging around and then the next thing a new gf could come on the scene - how hard would that be? It sounds like he has a lot of growing up to be doing if his friends have so much of an effect on his life that he'd be prepared to end things with you. I know peer pressure is huge. However, if his friends do have so much of an influence, theres a good chance (sorry guys, but I'm generalising here!) that his mates are patting him on the back and congratulating him for having you running around after him. Definately take the no contact route and let him realise what he could be losing if he doesn't smarten his act up and come running back.... I hope he does if thats what you want, I really do....
Author swes9321 Posted June 16, 2008 Author Posted June 16, 2008 hi justine, thanks for your advice, peer pressure is definately a big factor in all this. he is definately getting support from them patting him on the back n congratulating him on becoming just like them. sigh. i will try NC, its true if he got a new gf before i was over him i would just die. i read one of your earlier posts, why did you break up with your bf?
justine4 Posted June 16, 2008 Posted June 16, 2008 hi justine, thanks for your advice, peer pressure is definately a big factor in all this. he is definately getting support from them patting him on the back n congratulating him on becoming just like them. sigh. i will try NC, its true if he got a new gf before i was over him i would just die. i read one of your earlier posts, why did you break up with your bf? I wish I knew the answer to that one swes! He had a real problem (still does) with his self esteem, anxiety, insecurities and very negative way of thinking (thankfully he agreed to have cognitive behaviour therapy to help reverse the negative thinking). When we first started going out together I don't think either of us realised how deep we would both fall. It was so easy and we just fitted together like to pieces of a puzzle. However, because of his issues, he has a major habit of overanalysing things and started to worry about everything. Not just with us, but in life, with his living arrangements, his relationship with his friends etc, eg if his friend only sent him a short text, he'd read into it that he'd done something to offend the friend and then get anxious about that (to a rational person this might seem crazy, but it was perfectly logical to him). To cut a long story short,(well shorter!) he texted me the night before his mum has surgery for cancer to say he felt he was 'withdrawing again and finding it tough to hang on and I am probably feeling the same way in someway to'. Normally, when he puts out these cries for help I ring and settle his anxieties. However, out of pure frustration (this had happened several times before),that evening I rang and said i can't keep up with this circle of doing things, and i understand emotions are running high at the moment but he can't keep destroying me sending texts like that. I think it may have backfired on him (he'd be the first to admit he says things before thinking properly first). I want him to come back (thats why I know exactly where you're coming from with your bf), but it really is like a nerve endurance test, like no other. If they're going to come back, they have to be the ones to say it otherwise everything will be on their terms and thats not a proper relationship. We shouldn't have to settle for that. By giving them the chance to realise what they're losing, thats the only way you can be sure when/if they come back, you're on a level playing field (sorry for all the refrences to games, I've never been a game player so its kind of new territory for me too). They say humans want things they can't have. By putting yourself there and doing things for him, you're losing any respect he could have for you. Be strong (I know, easier said than done!) and sure, cry and be heartbroken (that doesn't make you any less strong), but don't be at his beck and call. If he contacts you, be brief, maybe say you'll text later as you're busy doing something.... all of this will intrigue him and he'll start to question if you're still on his list of priorities.... WE CAN DO THIS!!! We can be NC Buddies lol!!!
blackberry23 Posted June 16, 2008 Posted June 16, 2008 I say let him go and live his life with his friends because obviously that's what he wants right now. You're probably too mature for him right now anyway. I say don't talk to him, you'll be better off in the long-run. And of course he'll come running back, they always do...but why bother? Unless he's ready to stop caring about what his friends think and start acting like a REAL MAN.
blackberry23 Posted June 16, 2008 Posted June 16, 2008 I wish I knew the answer to that one swes! He had a real problem (still does) with his self esteem, anxiety, insecurities and very negative way of thinking (thankfully he agreed to have cognitive behaviour therapy to help reverse the negative thinking). When we first started going out together I don't think either of us realised how deep we would both fall. It was so easy and we just fitted together like to pieces of a puzzle. this sounds like my ex and I!!
Author swes9321 Posted June 17, 2008 Author Posted June 17, 2008 haha NC buddies! well i deleted him off my myspace and facebook today! which helps me as well because otherwise i stalk him and get upset when he talks to other girls.. your ex does sound like he has a lot of emotional problems.. the problem with my ex is that he is emotionally void! that is why im bracing myself for him not coming back. im starting to see our relationship wasn't as perfect as i thought, seeing as he was only the adorable person i loved when he was drunk.. otherwise he was just an arrogant knob who continually ditched me for his friends. maybe im just going through the stages of grief.. definately anger right now! grr i guess though justine if he is going through some tough times and doesn't want to drag you down into the dumps with him? if so, how tragically romantic! xx
justine4 Posted June 17, 2008 Posted June 17, 2008 haha NC buddies! well i deleted him off my myspace and facebook today! which helps me as well because otherwise i stalk him and get upset when he talks to other girls.. your ex does sound like he has a lot of emotional problems.. the problem with my ex is that he is emotionally void! that is why im bracing myself for him not coming back. im starting to see our relationship wasn't as perfect as i thought, seeing as he was only the adorable person i loved when he was drunk.. otherwise he was just an arrogant knob who continually ditched me for his friends. maybe im just going through the stages of grief.. definately anger right now! grr i guess though justine if he is going through some tough times and doesn't want to drag you down into the dumps with him? if so, how tragically romantic! xx Get that anger right out there! You're doing well lol lol. Sometimes if you can be a bit blinkered when you're with someone and see things through rose tinted glasses (I know a whole pile of stuff that used to irritate the hell out of me towards the end of my marriage had happened all the way through and I'd somehow missed them in the early stages. Go figure!!) You've obviously took off the glasses and are seeing things a bit more clearly. Its a bit pretence - he can maybe only be 'himself' and let the softer side out (the one that you fell for) when he is drunk, and then back to bravado in front of his friends, acting the big man, wanting to be the same as them, like a sheep, one of the crowd... who wants to be a sheep eh? (except maybe a lamb lol - sorry, bad joke I know!) As for my situation, yeah, I have thought of the not dragging me down aspect. I think theres definitely something in that. He has had depression before and I think he could see himself going back into a 'hole', understandably so too as theres a lot of pressure at the minute with him. It would be easier (i think) if he didn't have all the stuff going on. Its hard to know what to do. Goodstuff deleting him off your facebook and myspace. It'll be strange I guess not having that access to information knowing what he's upto, but that'll pass and you'll be flying....
Author swes9321 Posted June 19, 2008 Author Posted June 19, 2008 hi, just thought id give an update and ask what you guys think of this latest news... my ex is going around saying he's depressed, his life sucks, not worth living etc... which is what the dumpee not the dumper should be saying no! (btw i have gathered this from breaking into his myspace n facebook. whoops) he blames it on his exams, but hello we are in fourth year of uni, he has studied for exams before! surely it has something to do with me? maybe? i hope at least. but he hasn't called, so i guess he hasn't realised that yet.. i do have a real question rather than one that is really just asking for what i want to hear (and people that is ;he loves you he misses you" ). we live in a small town so when we go out i will see him, there is only one club! what do i do? do i ignore him, or just smile n wave, or initiate conversation? i am getting my hair done tomorro and will wear my new skinny mini dress so hopefully i will look smokin'- should i just flutter my eyelashes in his direction and do nothing else? hope everyone is doing well, i have had quite a happy day xxxx
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