Calibabe2007 Posted June 15, 2008 Posted June 15, 2008 What to do with this scenario ... Person A has been married for almost 20 years. Person A has been unhappy for almost half that time. Person B, who is married to Person A doesn't seem to think there is any problem with the marriage and thus refuses to seek marriage counseling with Person A. Person A has been in counseling for several months without Person B. Person B wants no part of counseling - doesn't believe in it and says that any problem Person A has is Person A's problem. Person B is apparently a perfect person. Person A is not sure as to whether to be single or married. Person A is confused but is leaning toward being single. Person A began seeing Person C. Person A wasn't looking for another person. Person A and Person C have known each other for approximately six years. There was never any hint of romance and Person A and Person C rarely paid any attention to each other. Person A has, after several agonizing months, come to the conclusion that Person A may be in love with Person C. Person A has not shared any of these feelings with Person C. Nor has Person C told Person A of any feelings. Today Person A made several attempts to call Person C. Person C answered the cell phone but hung up without saying anything. Person C has not returned Person A's phone calls. Person A has thoughts that perhaps Person C has met someone else and is no longer interested in Person A. Person A is depressed and sad but will wait to hear from Person C. Other than telling Person A that seeing Person C is wrong or immoral, or that Person A should divorce Person B, please provide some insight into this situation.
mental_traveller Posted June 15, 2008 Posted June 15, 2008 Person A should get a divorce, then go cold-turkey on relationships for 6 months or so to help move on.
tinktronik Posted June 15, 2008 Posted June 15, 2008 Person A needs either longer or more effective therapy sessions as they cannot seem to guide themselves toward healthy working solutions.
GPFan Posted June 15, 2008 Posted June 15, 2008 No matter the reason, Person C does not wish contact with Person A. Person A should respect that and move on.
OpenBook Posted June 15, 2008 Posted June 15, 2008 Person A needs to realize and accept that Person C had a life before Person A ever came along... and continues to have a life, thank you very much. Furthermore, Person A is married -- there's no getting around that, and I'm sure Person C is fully aware of it. Also, Person A has no idea how Person C feels about them. Person A is, IMO, projecting a lot of unmet needs onto Person C. Person A needs to realize that Person C is not their own personal emotional heave-bag. Person C is a sentient being, completely independent of Person A.
Author Calibabe2007 Posted June 15, 2008 Author Posted June 15, 2008 I want to thank everyone who responded to my question. Person A was not looking for any relationship outside of the marriage. Person C knew Person A was in marriage counseling and knew that Person A was not happy and was seriously considering leaving the marriage. Person C called and texted Person A frequently and finally Person A decided to meet Person C for lunch. Person C made the first move by giving Person A a very hot kiss. Person A being very vulnerable went for it, like a fool. To be honest, Person A is really hurting right now, but won't call or contact Person C. I believe Person C will contact Person A sometime this week. I just have a feeling. Help me not to be a fool!!! How should Person A respond when Person C does finally contact Person A? I will also run this past my therapist, but truth be told, I think Person A is finished with counseling. Too expensive and still no resolution to the original "should I stay or should I go" dilemma. Thanks.
OpenBook Posted June 15, 2008 Posted June 15, 2008 Oh. Well that changes the perspective then. I was responding to what you said in your first post... There was never any hint of romance and Person A and Person C rarely paid any attention to each other... Person A has not shared any of these feelings with Person C. Nor has Person C told Person A of any feelings. But now Person C is the aggressor??? Person OB is thoroughly confused!
Author Calibabe2007 Posted June 15, 2008 Author Posted June 15, 2008 No, I am not saying Person C is an aggressor. Person C, after finding out that I was in marriage counseling and considering divorce, pursued me for about 2 months. Finally, I agreed to go to lunch with Person C. It was clear there was an attraction there for both of us, but I was not going to act on it and create more drama in my life than I already have. Then Person C kissed me. I admit, I enjoyed it. I am such a fool! This is such a slippery slope. The more I tried to pull myself out of this, the more I felt myself being pulled into it. Now I find that I am in love with Person C. I am trying to give Person C the benefit of the doubt - maybe there was some emergency with Person C's mother and Person C had to fly out of state. Maybe something else happened. Unfortunately, being the cynic that I am, I really believe Person C found another person - Person D, if you will. I am hurt, sad, depressed, confused, and I just feel so stupid and used! No matter how hurt I feel, I am going to resist the urge to contact Person C. It's not as though my marriage was made worse because of this situation, because it was not up to par to begin with. I just have a lot of issues and it doesn't appear months of counseling have really helped. I am getting to the point where I am starting to believe that counseling is a sham. I just don't know what to do. I know at some point I will most likely move out of the house and file for divorce. Not sure that I want to fall in love again, because I don't like the hurt that seems to go along with it. All of you forum people have a lot of experience and good advice, so I think you guys are going to be my new counselors. Cali
Author Calibabe2007 Posted June 15, 2008 Author Posted June 15, 2008 Hi everyone, I'm back. Okay, as I suspected, Person C called me and asked if I was available to come over and talk. I didn't answer his question, but asked him to please just tell me the truth - are you seeing someone else. He emphatically denied seeing anybody, said he just needed to be by himself yesterday and didn't want to be around anyone. I just said "okay" and left it at that and ended the call. Now, I just feel kind of bitchy and jealous. I don't know if I did the right thing or not. I'm really not a jealous person, at least I didn't think I was. I think it's an ugly trait, yet I can't help but think that's the way I came off. Please tell me how I should handle this. I know I really should not see him anymore, but I am not really ready to stop seeing him if he still wants to see me. How sick is that!
whichwayisup Posted June 15, 2008 Posted June 15, 2008 You need to tell him goodbye and either fix your marriage or end it. Don't add more drama into your life - Having a 3rd person in your marriage is NOT going to help! You need to be STRONG and not give in...Just because HE wants to see you doesn't mean you have to melt and cave into his arms...He knows how to push your buttons, he knows your weak points and uses them against you. As for the jealously, well, that's just your emotions taking over...Logically, you're married he isn't, he can do what he wants, when he wants and IF you choose to stay with him and your husband, you're going to have to accept this. Because you are married and lying to your husband, the OM really doesn't HAVE to let you in on who else he sees...What he is doing to you is what you're doing to your husband. Stick to counselling, figure this out and hopefully soon you'll make a choice and stick to it. Being with another man while you're still married is only going to cause alot of heartache and pain for everyone involved.
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