whichwayisup Posted June 15, 2008 Posted June 15, 2008 You were going to send it reguardless if anyone was here to stop you or not. I tried to talk you out of it earlier, as did afew others.. If sending it makes you feel better and gives you abit of closure, great! But, if you've sent that to her in hopes she'll reply and want to talk to you again, then you might have set yourself up for a fall.
Author kizik Posted June 15, 2008 Author Posted June 15, 2008 TLB - my intentions were not at all to get her back. More like letting her know that I was thinking of her. Stalking? Not at all. This was my first contact in over a month. The only way it could affect me is if she writes back, "F*ck off, I hate you." Which is not likely, but I guess could happen. I knew it was a risk, but I haven't taken any. I was tired off the ball being in my court, and not shooting. Which - I didn't take your comments as "talking me out of it." And no, I wasn't going to send it regardless. But I talked to a counselor who happened to call me, and responses here were not all like "Don't Do It!"... not until after I clicked 'Send'. Chances are good that she won't reply, and I'll have to deal with that. You gotta take risks sometimes. * Somewhere down the line I want to be someone she can call and talk to when she's in pain. When she just wants to talk. When she's achieved something cool and wants to share it. As hurt as I am, there is nowhere to place the blame in the downfall of my R. No cheating, no awful fights. Just a lot of little fights, most having to do with what an A-hole I am or something. And it becomes too much, until you're sitting at a picnic table on a Sunday, crying behind your sunglasses, saying "I can't be the one hanging onto this. If you want out, then fine." She did me wrong by not telling me earlier. But I suppose it's hard to tell someone, "I don't love you." The email I sent her tonight was a way to say, "I'm not bitter." Because I don't feel bitter; just really sad. All of us here on LS think our situations are unique, and I'm no exception. Mine was unique b/c there were no clear reasons for the demise of R and I. Did I f*ck up by emailing her? Maybe. But you know what - I can't have her thinking I hate her, even if she hates me.
northstar1 Posted June 15, 2008 Posted June 15, 2008 TLB - my intentions were not at all to get her back. More like letting her know that I was thinking of her. Stalking? Not at all. This was my first contact in over a month. The only way it could affect me is if she writes back, "F*ck off, I hate you." Which is not likely, but I guess could happen. I knew it was a risk, but I haven't taken any. I was tired off the ball being in my court, and not shooting. Which - I didn't take your comments as "talking me out of it." And no, I wasn't going to send it regardless. But I talked to a counselor who happened to call me, and responses here were not all like "Don't Do It!"... not until after I clicked 'Send'. Chances are good that she won't reply, and I'll have to deal with that. You gotta take risks sometimes. * Somewhere down the line I want to be someone she can call and talk to when she's in pain. When she just wants to talk. When she's achieved something cool and wants to share it. As hurt as I am, there is nowhere to place the blame in the downfall of my R. No cheating, no awful fights. Just a lot of little fights, most having to do with what an A-hole I am or something. And it becomes too much, until you're sitting at a picnic table on a Sunday, crying behind your sunglasses, saying "I can't be the one hanging onto this. If you want out, then fine." She did me wrong by not telling me earlier. But I suppose it's hard to tell someone, "I don't love you." The email I sent her tonight was a way to say, "I'm not bitter." Because I don't feel bitter; just really sad. All of us here on LS think our situations are unique, and I'm no exception. Mine was unique b/c there were no clear reasons for the demise of R and I. Did I f*ck up by emailing her? Maybe. But you know what - I can't have her thinking I hate her, even if she hates me. Kiz, I've followed your story since you joined. I don't blame you for sending it. I'm only in day 5 of NC and every day I mentally compose an email I want to send (and you know my story) If it makes you feel better that you sent it, to get your feelings off your chest, so be it. As long as you can deal with the waiting for her to possibly respond or not. That is my fear. I have a lot to say - but my fear is that after I pour my heart out, is that I wont' hear anythng back - which scares me. Just remember, there is no finite "Right or Wrong" in this.
LikeCharlotte Posted June 15, 2008 Posted June 15, 2008 hey kiz- I did the same sort of thing because I had the same sort of situation. I hope for your sake she takes the olive branch. My ex did not and really has given me nothing but coldness. However, that doesn't bother me at all. I have no regrets about the contact I have had with him as I am and have always been the one to extend the hand between us for acceptance and peace. Why change that now? I did it for the same reasons you did. The breakup was a bunch of little fights and I finally asked the same question you did. "Either you are in this or you aren't, which is it? because you really need to decide." I was ready to accept any answer and I have. I felt the same about any post intimate relationship friendship or contact. I am clear in my heart and thats all I care about. I hope you will feel this way about what you've done regardless of the response. I'm only saying this because his disinterest in me as a person (not a girlfriend) was hard to swallow. I made it but it was actually harder than accepting the break up. It took some time but again, I don't regret finding out for myself and not leaving everything to chance or misunderstandings. I don't think you did anything wrong, at least not yet. If I were her I would appreciate the sentiments. I don't know if you recall but I was hurt when my ex did not acknowledge my finishing school. You are right each circumstance is unique. You made your decision for you... not for anyone else.
borelandkaren Posted June 15, 2008 Posted June 15, 2008 BK, I don't know what's best to do! I need advice. Pros and cons. Please. You know buddy, before I joined LS I made contact with Tony. This was about 7 weeks after I left him. It happened because I received another bill for $1600 that I was left with and I got the shyts. I texted him that he was a bustard and that karma would get him. He texted me back with,"No karma here, only good after bad." Well.......This completely incensed me, to say the least. You know my story, so u can imagine how this went down. We then entered into a texting frenzy, the likes of which have never been seen before and probably won't again!!! I accused him of lying (which was all true) and him being a person who (I believe) has a personality disorder, he discounted and completely ignored everything prior when I texted to him, "U know, even after all this, I still have feelings for you." He thought he was back in. But I didn't budge after that. I didn't text anything positive to him because I hadn't written it to him for any other reason than it was true. I still love him. I know some crap things about him, he has stolen my sons' car and I still love him. He will never know this though. I have too much love and respect for my son to ever give Tony the time of day again. We all need closure. I believe that it doesn't matter how we get it, as long as you feel that sense of personal satisfaction. We, all of us on LS, will get our closure whether it be from them or us. U have done what you thought was right at the time and for that you are to be applauded. I think it was pretty brave, actually. You stand to face a lot of things out of this, rejection being one of them and you did it regardless. For me, if she behaves in this way, there's your closure. If she doesn't and is accepting and gets in contact, well......we can never have too many friends (my opinion only.) And the truth is, what's done is done. Can't take it back. And listen to the mother in me and DON'T BLOODY START SMOKING POT AGAIN!!!!!OK?????
PhoenixFromTheFlames Posted June 15, 2008 Posted June 15, 2008 You gotta take risks sometimes. For what it's worth now, I think you did the right thing. NC can leave you with an awful lot of 'what if' scenarios and regrets to deal with. It's hard to know if you're in a stalemate with your ex or not. At some point someone has to make the first move for friendship, closure, or just opening communication again. You seem to understand the nature of risk, so i'm sure that whatever happens, you'll be ok. It was a non-pushy, positive communication and lets her know that you are open to communication again if she wants to respond. You say you're not expecting anything to come of it, and if that's true, then you've lost nothing. I think NC is great initially, but at some point it becomes a game, waiting for someone else to make a move. There are lost of reasons people don't get in touch, pride, fear of rejection, believing you don't want to hear from them again after what happened etc... Letting someone know there is no residual bad feeling is actually a step in the right direction, as long as you really mean it.
Author kizik Posted June 15, 2008 Author Posted June 15, 2008 It's hard to know if you're in a stalemate with your ex or not. At some point someone has to make the first move for friendship, closure, or just opening communication again. You say you're not expecting anything to come of it, and if that's true, then you've lost nothing. I think NC is great initially, but at some point it becomes a game, waiting for someone else to make a move. There are lost of reasons people don't get in touch, pride, fear of rejection, believing you don't want to hear from them again after what happened etc... Letting someone know there is no residual bad feeling is actually a step in the right direction, as long as you really mean it. These are great points, Phoenix. I was really tired of being silent, when she had told me I could call her if I want to. As far as me not expecting a response, upon further evaluation, I've realized that I DO... which, I know, is setting myself up for pain. I feel that once she responds, I can truly try to close this chapter. If she doesn't, it will mean to me that she's pissed. But, it was a risk, and I knew how I'd feel after sending it: simultaneously relieved and anxious.
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