Egoolps Posted June 14, 2008 Posted June 14, 2008 So me and my girlfriend have been dating for 5 years. We're both 24. The sex at the beginning was at 1-2x/week. It has fallen to once/month. Admittedly, the sex was at 1-2x/week when I had my own apartment in college. Now, we both live with our parents...so it's sneaky to get around and do it. However, it's doable. She doesn't like sex. She doesn't perform or receive oral...it's either regular intercourse or nothing. Positions are switched up once in a while...but it's either missionary or cowgirl...sometimes a variation...but nothing else. She says she has low sex drive, etc. I was able to deal with it for a while, but now when I start thinking about marriage...well...this will not be my life. I will not beg (for lack of a better word) for sex as I do now. Honestly, it makes me feel unwanted...and at the same time creepy. She claims that once we move in to our own place that we will be able to have sex more since nobody will be around. Problem is, how can I believe that? When I ask her if she wants to rent a hotel for a night to be alone she says it's a waste of money. Admittedly, we are saving for a place. The problem comes to be if she lies and the sex never comes. I'll need to propose to her before we get a place. So I'll propose, we'll have a house, and then what happens if she says no to sex? I'm out $5,000 for a ring and god knows how much else for a house. This has been talked about til I've become blue in the face. I'm a male, I'm sexual, and I find my girlfriend sexy and attractive. I want to please her, and I want her to please me. It seems like it's so much to ask. Why do I want to get engaged? Because she's funny, smart, driven, insists on working, will be a great mother, beautiful, sexy, etc. She's basically the perfect woman minus the sex. Why don't I want to get engaged? Because I don't want to live the rest of my life "asking" for sex (possibility). Because I'm not sure that if we move in together that it means the sex life will change. I know women don't "peak" until later (she's 24), but that shouldn't mean no sex at all. Opinions?
Cherry Blossom 35 Posted June 14, 2008 Posted June 14, 2008 I'm sorry to say this, Egoolps, but you WILL be asking for sex if you marry this woman. You guys should be f****g like bunnies right now. That kind of thing shouldn't slow down for a while. You aren't even married yet. What happens when kids come along? They will be her perfect excuse to not have sex. Ever. The sad truth is that sometimes we love someone very much, but they are still not the right person to be a lifetime partner. She sounds like an amazing person, and I'm sure you love her a lot. I only see sadness and disappointment if your marry her. Sex is the glue that keeps a couple together. I feel for you. I was in a similar situation 10 years ago. I loved my bf VERY MUCH and he was an AWESOME guy but I did not have a strong physical attraction towards him. I had to end it, otherwise neither of us would have been happy. It was very difficult, but the right thing to do. He is now married with a child. Yes, I am still single, but I have a great life and I hope someday I will meet my match. It was very hard on him but I know he is happy now.
whichwayisup Posted June 14, 2008 Posted June 14, 2008 Talk to her about how you feel about this and that you're having second thoughts about moving in and/or getting married with her not liking sex. Maybe there's a reason for it, something from her past, childhood experiences, relationship experiences? Be honest, but don't make her feel bad. Her not wanting sex has nothing to do with you, chances are she just isn't a sexual person (right now, though she could be one day with the help of counselling.).
Lizzie60 Posted June 14, 2008 Posted June 14, 2008 another one who doesn't like sex... then people think that women cheat as much as men.. yeah right.. I say leave her now.. she won't change.. it will go from once a month to once every 6 months.. are you willing to accept that. If you marry her anyway.. knowing what you know now.. then you're signing for a sexless life.. don't complain after..
daphne Posted June 15, 2008 Posted June 15, 2008 Eg, Sounds like your'e stuck between a rock and a hard place. It sounds like she has all of the qualities you want in a wife, with one tiny exception. Except, it's not a tiny exception. I've come to realize that sex, while not being the most important thing, is in the top three. I was married for four years, and even at the end when we were seperated and living apart, we still had more sex than you guys did in the beginning of your relationship. I was a little younger than you are now. To me, I'm only getting married if I'm guaranteed regular sex. I think I'll have it put in writing. I have heard a few friends, one of them an ex, that have married women with low sex drives. These guys are miserable and complain a lot. They start considering cheating, and some do. I imagine they all will, in time. Someone mentioned sex being the glue, I truly believe it is. You feel more connected and loving towards someone that you share that kind of intimacy with. I would seriously reconsider marrying her. I honestly don't think you will be happy long term in this kind of situation. You're still young and have time to find someone with whom you are more sexually compatible.
carhill Posted June 15, 2008 Posted June 15, 2008 With something this intimate and disparate in perspective, I'd call it a deal-breaker. Far better to endure the pain of a breakup and find partners more like-minded IMO. Sorry
Jilly Bean Posted June 15, 2008 Posted June 15, 2008 End it. She has major sexual issues, and as you said: this will not be my life. I will not beg (for lack of a better word) for sex as I do now. Even the 1-2x a week seems very problematic. So, if you think it's going to magically increase to 6 times a week, then please ask a married guy how often he gets sex... Even when my ex and I were splitting up and not even sleeping in the same bed, we still screwed a few times a day. At 24, if this is how she is, don't kid yourself for a second that in 10 years she's going to blossom. Some people just have no interest in sex and your girl is one of them...
mark982 Posted June 15, 2008 Posted June 15, 2008 eg, it will ONLY get worse,she'll use any excuse to drag you to the alter. sex is very important part of a marriage,if you're unhappy no about it, wait till she spits a few kids out.
soyou Posted June 15, 2008 Posted June 15, 2008 Hi, I hope this post could be useful for you since I am in your GF's situation right now and I think I do understand her better than anyone here. I lived with one of my exes for three years. Within these three years along, we hardly had sex at all since I was not interested in having sex. He blamed me for my low sex drive and asked me if I had any sexual abuses before that might make me so cold like a stone now. However, he loved me so much and found so many qualities from me as you do with your GF. He still wanted to be with me and tried to be patient and understanding. He also tried to arrannge for me several appointments with therapists with a hope that it would change our situation. I felt so guilty each time he asked me for sex b'cos I really didnt want to it at all. I made excuses all the time like I had to study or work or whatever. Sometimes, he got so mad that he did not talk to me for a week. I myself thought that I really had a serious sexual problem. I did talk to friends and ask for advices. All just did not work. Remember, I did love him very much, more than anything. I fould him my right man and knew I would be very happy to live with him. We had a happy life together, always joy and fun, except sex. My boyfriend insisted of wanting to get married with me and was even willing to sacrifice for me if it's necessary. He fooled himself that it would get better once we got married. The committments may make me feel secure abt our relationship and therefore, would be more interested in sex. Only three days before our 3rd year anniversary together, I broke up. I knew that this would never be worked out. I understood myself better than anyone else. If I dont want it now, I'll never will. I dont want him and myself to be suffering later. I know sex plays an important role in couple relationship, especially in a long life partnership. I know his sex drive is much much much much much much stronger than mine. And I never enjoyed it, with him. (He was my first man). Then we broke up. I still kept in mind that I had a problem with sex. I had a very low sex drive so I should not be with any guys, who have a high sex drive anymore. It will be a disaster for both of us. Then, I met my right now BF. I really dont understand myself anymore. I turn out to be so wild and crazy in bed. I am so different when I was with my ex. My Bf does not try so hard as my ex but I am so crazy abt him and my sex drive is so high that it shocks me myself too. Come back with ur situation. There arre three hypothises: 1. You havent done things in the right way, like the way she wants it be. Ask her of what and how she wants. She sometimes might be shy but remember, communication is the only way to get better in bed. 2. She raelly has a low sex drive 3. She Loves you but just dont want to have sex with you like I was.
mental_traveller Posted June 16, 2008 Posted June 16, 2008 IMO she will never change. Sorry but I sincerely think this relationship is doomed. There is no such thing as "the perfect woman except for the sex", unless you are impotent or happy being celibate the rest of your life. Get out while you still can. Definitely do NOT ever marry her whilst your sex life still sucks - it will only get worse. You NEVER hear of people saying "Wow, my sex life got so much better after we were married for a couple of years!" Tip for next time - if you start out with a new girl and only have sex 1-2 times per week, forget it and move on. In the early months you should be doing it 1-2 times per day. 1-2 per week is like 20 year old marriage frequency, or old people frequency. In almost all relationships, sex reduces in quantity the longer you are together. So you'd better start off good on the bedroom side of things!
Recommended Posts