lemoska Posted June 14, 2008 Posted June 14, 2008 Ok, here's the issue I'm facing. Fantastic relationship with my boyfriend of 5 years, lots of deep emotional love but the sex life has dwindled into nothing. About 2 months ago he decided to move to Germany (get to know his family) for 6 months to a year. We both agreed not to break up but to do a long distance relationship. We are both 25, started dating at 20. About 3 days ago, I discovered he kissed someone else. While I am willing to forgive this act, it brought out some really deep issues that I feel I was ignoring, ie our sex life. I love this man to death and find him very sexually attractive. We had great sex for the first 2 years of our relationship, but it just keep getting fewer and fewer. I am a rape survivor and I think because of being raped at 18, I have many issues with sex. After the cheating, he tells me that he thinks our sex life is dead and that he doesn't know if we can ever recover it. Because he is in Germany for probably another 6 months, I suggested that we both take this time to experiment sexually and try to achieve some individual growth before he gets back. We are both so in love with each other, but have stopped communicating about our sexual needs and in turn, lost the desire for each other. I truly believe that we can get through this and this is the man I want to marry but I also don't think I can fix this problem with him so far away. I plan to and already have an appointment to start the therapy I should have done a long time ago. I'm willing to do whatever it takes to get the spark that we've lost back. I'm just curious if anyone has experienced something similar to this and if they have any advice.
kizik Posted June 14, 2008 Posted June 14, 2008 "Experimenting sexually"--just a fancy way of saying sleeping around--is a terrible idea if you want to try to continue the relationship. It will cause intense jealousy and resentment. To me it sounds like this thing has run its course, for a variety of reasons. 1. Relationships that begin at 20 are MEANT to end. You're still figuring out who you are and what you want in a partner 2. LDRs are awful. I just broke up because of one. Talking on the phone is no substitue for in-person contact. 3. You say you've forgiven him for kissing someone, but have you? It's going to be very hard to trust him after that, especially because you already have trust issues because of your history I think you owe it to yourself to get out of this R, be single for a while, and THEN go ahead and "experiment" and date around.
kizik Posted June 14, 2008 Posted June 14, 2008 We are both so in love with each other, but have stopped communicating about our sexual needs and in turn, lost the desire for each other. Iquote] That's not complete love. You're not being intimate. You need to stop denying the fact that you're unhappy. You've stopped communicating!! That's really unhealthy. You have no desire for each other! Come on and smell the roses.
northstar1 Posted June 14, 2008 Posted June 14, 2008 "Experimenting sexually"--just a fancy way of saying sleeping around--is a terrible idea if you want to try to continue the relationship. It will cause intense jealousy and resentment. To me it sounds like this thing has run its course, for a variety of reasons. 1. Relationships that begin at 20 are MEANT to end. You're still figuring out who you are and what you want in a partner 2. LDRs are awful. I just broke up because of one. Talking on the phone is no substitue for in-person contact. 3. You say you've forgiven him for kissing someone, but have you? It's going to be very hard to trust him after that, especially because you already have trust issues because of your history I think you owe it to yourself to get out of this R, be single for a while, and THEN go ahead and "experiment" and date around. Well said brother - esp. #2. I am not an expert, but I have a feeling, that if you are apart for months and months - that both of you may change as people - to the point where your feelings may also change. of
Author lemoska Posted June 14, 2008 Author Posted June 14, 2008 "Experimenting sexually"--just a fancy way of saying sleeping around--is a terrible idea if you want to try to continue the relationship. It will cause intense jealousy and resentment. To me it sounds like this thing has run its course, for a variety of reasons. 1. Relationships that begin at 20 are MEANT to end. You're still figuring out who you are and what you want in a partner 2. LDRs are awful. I just broke up because of one. Talking on the phone is no substitue for in-person contact. 3. You say you've forgiven him for kissing someone, but have you? It's going to be very hard to trust him after that, especially because you already have trust issues because of your history I think you owe it to yourself to get out of this R, be single for a while, and THEN go ahead and "experiment" and date around. Sometimes I feel all of the points you've made. Other times, I don't.
Author lemoska Posted June 14, 2008 Author Posted June 14, 2008 We are both so in love with each other, but have stopped communicating about our sexual needs and in turn, lost the desire for each other. Iquote] That's not complete love. You're not being intimate. You need to stop denying the fact that you're unhappy. You've stopped communicating!! That's really unhealthy. You have no desire for each other! Come on and smell the roses. I completely agree that it was totally unhealthy.
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