fetish Posted June 14, 2008 Posted June 14, 2008 Hey LS. I'm hurting pretty bad. Last night me and my gf mutually ended a 5 year relationship and today would've been our 5th year anniversary. I apologize in advance for long post but i'm going to try to keep this as short as possible. It all started a week ago when my gf askem me to borrow some $. I told her that i was broke because it was all tied up in bills. Anyway, i had been saving some $ for this traffic ticket i got that i had to pay off by evening 06/13/08. I kept the $ in my top drawer. Anyway, my gf has a key to my apartment and my drawer must have been cracked because she found the $ that day. She said she needed to borrow $20 of it and would pay me back by Friday June 13. I told her that was for my ticket but still allowed her to borrow it and i warned her i reminding her about it. Anyway, by blessing, i was able to get a hold of $20 this past Thursday and told her not to worry about paying me back. She said, "No i'ma pay you back by tommorow because I don't want to hear your mouth". Anyway when i went to my drawer to put the $20 with the rest of the $, she said," I borrowed some more $, i'll pay you back tommorow. She had taken $50. Me remaining calm, i didn't even trip and said OK but i need it back by tommorow. The next moring (june 13) before i went to work, I asked her what time she'd be able to get the $ because i would have to pay the money by 6pm. I knew she works about 30 miles away and she wouldn't get off til 11 pm. She said i was nagging and harrassing her because i asked her several times how she'd get the $ to me. She said it will be sometime today. When i asked for a specific time, she blew up. She asked me for my bank account # so she could deposit the $ in my account. I told her i was reluctant to give my account # to anybody. So anyway yesterday moring she storms out of the house and said, "I'll see you tommorow. You're getting on my nerves with this $." Later that day, i texted her my account # and she did end up depositing the $ later that day. She called me to tell me she deposited the $ but said, "we need to have a serious talk about how stinjy you are with your $. I'm supposed to be your g/f and you're not supposed to trip about $ like that". After she got off work last night, she called me and said she was considering breaking up with me about that but was trying to give me another chance because of our time together. I told her, "I should be giving you another chance because you don't just take $ w/out asking!" Anyway she started raising her voice saying how unsupportive i was and how she wasnt going to put up with me about harrassing her about paying her back every time she borrows $. I told her i'm not going to put up with her who just thinks she can help herself to my things. I felt outraged because she had seemed to forget that i gave her $100 here and $50 here and there to help her pay her bills within the past several months as a gift, no strings attached. May have not been very often but i did. Furthermore, she's borrowed $ from me in the past and is either slow on paying me back or either shorts me. Last year she asked me to borrow $200 when she got her car towed. I loaned her the $. The next week she paid me $150.00 and said i had to get a few things, pay you back later. Me, not wanting to be stressed out about hounding her to pay me that $ back, i just told her to keep it. In conclusion, i feel my (now) ex is very selfish, greedy, and self- centered. I feel she was the wrong one in this situation but i'm hurting bad over this break up. She wants the privilege of doing whatever she wants but i'm supposed to say nothing about it. She doesn't like to share her things with me when i need something but she's always helping herself to mine. It seems that we only get along when i don't say anything or challenge anything she does. I would've loved to do more for her but i'm staying by myself and already struggling to make ends meet. I understand she just graduated college but she's living with a roomate. I've never borrowed money from her and she feels that a boyfriend of 5 years is supposed to just loan $ and shut up about it. Am i really wrong in this? I need some help because i couldn't sleep all night last night. I love her and she's not really only this monster i've described but can be caring and endearing at times. We shared alot of good times together. I don't feel she appreciates all the good things i do for her. I feel like the only way the relationship will work is if i just lay down and be a doormat for her. My friends and family say i should start to move on. If it's meant to be, she'll be back. But its really hard after 5 years, especially when i was planning to proposing to her this year. She was always wanting to get married but I told her we would wait until after she finished school. Any advice for a 28 year old male who's hurting deeply?
borelandkaren Posted June 15, 2008 Posted June 15, 2008 My advice is to step back, have a good look at what goes on and make your decision based on that. She sounds like a selfish little cow to me but I'm coming from the point of view that I'd hate to see my son treated like this. Let her stand on her own two feet for awhile and see how she copes. You need to stand up for yourself and not let her take advantage of your good nature. When you love someone, you do not walk all over them. Stay resolute and see where that gets you. If she doesn't like it, too bad. You'll have your answer then. Take care.
Ssheena Posted June 15, 2008 Posted June 15, 2008 First of all, I'm sorry you are hurting, I know that you are feeling bad and I know how unpleasant sleepless nights are as well. Second of all, the relationship doesn't sound like it was equal. Where does she get off saying your not supposed to trip about $ like that? That is showing complete disrespect for you. And to borrow/take money without even asking you when she knew you needed it to pay for your ticket? That's not right. You are not her daddy or her own personal bank. Also, unfortunately, money is the reason a LOT of relationships end or don't work out. In your heart, you know you are right about your role in this relationship. She is walking all over you, taking advantage of you and not treating you with any respect. You can do better. Take care of you, not her. That's what she is doing, taking care of her.
Author fetish Posted June 15, 2008 Author Posted June 15, 2008 Thanks for the replies. That's what alot of people are saying and your advice is helping aide me in my recovery process. I know i need to man up and not let love take over my self respect. I still miss her but i know i need to look out for me. Thanks Any more input would be greatly appreciated as well.
whichwayisup Posted June 15, 2008 Posted June 15, 2008 This really isn't only about the money, it's how she's treating you in general, like your money is HER money and she can have it whenever she feels like it. You two don't live together and it's nice that you've helped her out with her bills, but at the end of the day, you have your OWN bills to pay and if she is always low on cash, she should be talking to her folks about borrowing some money or get a bank loan, not always rely on you to bail her out. She IS taking advantage of you selfishly and it's a good thing you're putting your foot down. If she gets pissy about it and wants to break up, well, there's your sign that she may not be ready for a long term mature relationship. Anyway, if you love her and she loves you, somehow you two will sort it out by talking and being honest and open, really listen to one another and/or do couples therapy as another option.. Good luck and stand your ground! You need to look out for yourself more often since at times she isn't thinking of your best interests.
Author fetish Posted June 16, 2008 Author Posted June 16, 2008 Thanks whichway. I'm coping but something's telling me i ought to go out and try to replace her with someone else. Something else is telling me that that's me being insecure. It hurts being by yourself after so long. I don't really have many friends right now to keep me occupied because a few moved and and the others went back in the military overseas. At least she has a roomate and another friend to keep her occupied and forget about me. All I have are the blank walls in my apartment and the fear of being alone deep in thought and depression. She was also supposed to come by my apartment on Saturday and get a few things of hers. I gave her keys back when we broke up but she hasnt returned mine seeing we haven't spoken ever since. She had the opportununity when i gave her hers but maybe she forgot. I know her roomate was always jealous of how good our relationship seemed to be anyway so i think she's going to try to drive her further away. We're still at no contact. Even though i know she was the bad guy in all this, i still think of her. She's probably not giving me any thought because she has a couple of friends to keep her mind busy. Any advice on getting a rebound?
D-Lish Posted June 16, 2008 Posted June 16, 2008 I'd kick my bf's a** if he went into my drawer and took money without asking!!! That's so wrong. Then for her to get mad about you asking for it back so you could be responsible and pay your ticket is brutal. She didn't even tell you she took an extra $50??? I don't know who in their right mind would think that was okay! I'd take a step back and re-evaluate what this relationship is worth to you. She took money from you, then punished you with a break up when you asked for it back... Is reconciling with her something you really want? I'd think long and hard about whether you want this girl back in your life!
twice_shy Posted June 16, 2008 Posted June 16, 2008 Hey LS. I'm hurting pretty bad. Last night me and my gf mutually ended a 5 year relationship and today would've been our 5th year anniversary. I apologize in advance for long post but i'm going to try to keep this as short as possible. It all started a week ago when my gf askem me to borrow some $. I told her that i was broke because it was all tied up in bills. Anyway, i had been saving some $ for this traffic ticket i got that i had to pay off by evening 06/13/08. I kept the $ in my top drawer. Anyway, my gf has a key to my apartment and my drawer must have been cracked because she found the $ that day. She said she needed to borrow $20 of it and would pay me back by Friday June 13. I told her that was for my ticket but still allowed her to borrow it and i warned her i reminding her about it. Anyway, by blessing, i was able to get a hold of $20 this past Thursday and told her not to worry about paying me back. She said, "No i'ma pay you back by tommorow because I don't want to hear your mouth". Oh no she didn't! You let her borrow the money, money you needed to pay something off, and she is going to be a disrespectful tart like that. And when someone says, "I don't wanna hear your mouth", that basically is saying that you disgust her. You don't need to be loaning money to someone that has that view of you. You don't need to be with someone that has that view of you. Keep her kicked to the curb and let her find someone else to bum money from. And if you tell her to step, then don't let her weasel and cry her way back to you, because it will only be because she doesn't have anyone else to bum money from. In conclusion, i feel my (now) ex is very selfish, greedy, and self- centered. I'd say your assessment of her is spot on. I feel she was the wrong one in this situation but i'm hurting bad over this break up. You shouldn't be, she obviously doesn't respect you and is too stupid to realize that it was money you had to have to pay a debt by a certain time. She wants the privilege of doing whatever she wants but i'm supposed to say nothing about it. She doesn't like to share her things with me when i need something but she's always helping herself to mine. It seems that we only get along when i don't say anything or challenge anything she does. I would've loved to do more for her but i'm staying by myself and already struggling to make ends meet. I understand she just graduated college but she's living with a roomate. I've never borrowed money from her and she feels that a boyfriend of 5 years is supposed to just loan $ and shut up about it. Am i really wrong in this? NO, you are absolutely NOT WRONG. Good for you for getting rid of her. I need some help because i couldn't sleep all night last night. In time you are going to see that this is the best thing for you and she is no good for you. If she can treat you like that, then the only reason you would have for being with her is looks or sex....cuz it sure aint for her caring personality. I love her and she's not really only this monster i've described but can be caring and endearing at times. Oh sure, when she needs money. All kidding aside, my xW was the same way, but the nasty things she said to me outweighed the other, seemingly, pleasantries she displayed other times. And I realized that when someone starts talking to you like that, they don't respect you and they are using you for other things. Any advice for a 28 year old male who's hurting deeply? Yes, take it from a 39 year old male who has been there. She isn't worthy of you. She is using you, and clearly doesn't respect you. And if you ever take this "woman" back, you WILL regret it. Mark my words. You will no longer hurt when you realize this. You will especially no longer hurt when you realize there are women out there not like this little tart and you snag yourself one. Then you'll be sitting there thinking to yourself, "gee, and to think I was so balled up about that selfish biotch". Life will be better without her, you will see.
Author fetish Posted June 16, 2008 Author Posted June 16, 2008 I did leave something out about what happened that morning i was asking her about the money. She asked me," don't you have the $50 in your account to go ahead and pay them until i can pay you back." told her that before i told her that i needed any other $ because it was tied up in other bills. I then I told her it was none of her business anyway. I only said that because of her past history on when she'd borrow $ and be slow on paying me back or would short me. I'm thinking that may have caused her to blow up and storm out of the house. But she always says things like that to me when it comes to her money and any business of hers that she doesn't want me to know. But it always feels like I have to explain myself to this girl, on everything, including my things. When I ask questions, she's like, "You ask too many questions!" I'm just thinking that maybe i could've been a little confrontational which took part in all of that. Does it seem that way?
Author fetish Posted June 16, 2008 Author Posted June 16, 2008 Just tryin 2 keep this alive. Sorry to be a bother but I hope someone had a chance to read my previous post because I'm really thinking about that one.
kladia Posted June 17, 2008 Posted June 17, 2008 one thing i would do if i were you is go to the bank asap and change your account number. it's smart to be suspicious about giving it to anyone, and now that you're broken up all bets are off. i'd also change any passwords to banking, emails, get new credit cards, whatever that she may have known while you were dating. you may think that she wouldn't steal from you, or completely f* up your credit, but it does happen, and i doubt anyone believes their SO would do that otherwise they wouldn't have dated in the first place. She already thought it was cool to take money without telling you, so tread carefully and make sure she can't have access to your cash or credit in the future. think about it, if you fire someone at work, you change all the passwords. it's prudent when you break up too. sorry about your breakup, it's a shame it took 5 years before she showed her true colors. i'm out the other side now, and i promise it gets better
Author fetish Posted June 17, 2008 Author Posted June 17, 2008 hey twice shy, i didn't even see your post yesterday. Your words were helpful. But i wouldn't say i loaned her $. I did allow her to take the first $20 because i didn't want to get in an altercation then but the additional $50 she thought she could help herself to. And kladia, your words were helpful too, i'll give that some thought. I want to thank everyone who responded. I think i've decided that the 5 year relationship is not worth what she wanted me to give up, and that was my self respect. I am going to just continue with the N/C and forget about her. It's better that I found this out now before marrying that girl. She's just a selfish b***tch and i can do alot better. I would've probably spent my whole life bending over backwards to make her happy and still failed in her eyes. Thanks everyone. I'll still let you guys know of any updates.
Ssheena Posted June 18, 2008 Posted June 18, 2008 you asked if it was confrontational to say it's non of your business when she asked about the money a few posts up. No, it wasn't confrontational. I think that might have been you trying to give her a way out for blowing up at you (which is a common thing to do after a relationship ends). I would either change my locks or get all the keys back from her because I'm thinking when she needs money again, she's coming back over. You are doing fine, good days, bad days but you are better off without her. You keep us up to date on how things are going, kk?
Author fetish Posted June 18, 2008 Author Posted June 18, 2008 you asked if it was confrontational to say it's non of your business when she asked about the money a few posts up. No, it wasn't confrontational. I think that might have been you trying to give her a way out for blowing up at you (which is a common thing to do after a relationship ends). I would either change my locks or get all the keys back from her because I'm thinking when she needs money again, she's coming back over. You are doing fine, good days, bad days but you are better off without her. You keep us up to date on how things are going, kk? Thanks SSheena. It's now been 5 days. Some days i feel like i'm doing better than others. Yesterday, i was like, "To hell with that b##tch". Last night i had a dream that i saw her and she already had a new boyfriend. Now today, i'm starting to feel like i did 3 or 4 days back, sad. I'm missing the good times we had together. I'm just wondering all when this up and down will be over. I just want to keep myself together and get on w/ life. It's crazy how i feel like this and i'm not even the one who really f***ked up. I don't know if she's hurting too but this emotion is making me wonder exactly which one of is wearing the pants in all of this.
Ssheena Posted June 18, 2008 Posted June 18, 2008 What kind of person would you be if after a 5 year relationship you didn't have the emotions you are having? You're fine and it's all normal. Try not to doubt yourself. Be kind to yourself.
Author fetish Posted June 18, 2008 Author Posted June 18, 2008 Thanks again Sshenna. I'm just wondering because we both are on N/C. Haven't spoken since we broke up. During our argument, i became outraged and said some things i shouldnt have. Even 15 min after we broke up i tried to call her but she didn't answer. I was still standing by the breakup, i just didn't want it to end so rough. So i sent her a text I texted her and said: For the record i didn't mean what i said. I said it out of anger. I still want you to tell me when you're coming by tommorow to get the rest of your things. She replied: between 10 and 11. I then replied: That's fine and i wish you luck in finding the perfect man i couldnt be. She didn't reply so i'm thinking this must be easy for her. I told myself that was the last time i would attempt to contact her. What's funny is she never called or came by to pick up her stuff. I may be hurting but i think this is best. Now. I am a little more at ease with myself. Now i can go out and be single again but the 5 year memories keep popping back up in my head. When i tried to break it off in the past from her selfish behavior, she would try to reconcile. She'd even apologize. Now with the NC and her not responding to my last message, i can't help but wonder if she's not even hurt by this like i am or if she just playing hard? i know i'm looking like a weakass but i just want to know if it sounds like she's trying to play hardball. Please Any thoughts? I'll be done with asking questions after this.
sparktonSS Posted June 19, 2008 Posted June 19, 2008 You know whats funny? I just posted a message here about me needing advice. Its funny how we can comment on other peoples problems, but when it comes to ourselves, it so much different. Anyways, bro, you do not need that thing. That thing is a ridiculous beast who was already in the process of owning you. If you were still with her, she would know she could do the same thing again, and even worse next time. You would just take it like a little boy. And why would you text her "i wish you luck on finding the perfect man that I couldnt be"?? That screams insecurity. There is no way she is not thinking about you, but she is probably more angered that she cannot own you and she must find her next victim. I JUST got out of a 2.5 yr relationship with my ex who I still love. I know its hard as hell for me, and your relationship lasted another 2.5 years longer than mine...so I know you are hurting like crazy. You might be thinking the same thing I am; 'what is she doing, who is she with, is she having sex with anyone, is she being intimate with anyone, does she like anyone else, does she still love me'. What you need to understand that if she is/has been doing something wrong, she doesnt love you. I say screw her (not literally) and forget her.
Author fetish Posted June 19, 2008 Author Posted June 19, 2008 hey sparkton, thanks for your input. I didn't think that sending that text would sound like I was being insecure. I thought it would tell her that i hope she finds the perfect man because obviously she wasn't happy with me so maybe she would find the man that i failed to measure up to. Personally, i think it would be very difficult to find a man who was as patient and attentitive as me. Not saying she can't find it but it might take longer than she expects. Quick update, she finally texted me last night after i left the gym asking: Are you still mad?? I didn't reply. So she sent me the exact same text 2 hours later. I replied: YES. About 30 minutes later she sent me another text asking if i was home. I replied: YES. That was the end of that for last night. So that answered my question as to whether she was thinking about me. I'm still not sure that i should rush back in to this relationship. I think if we do end up talking i'm going to tell her that i think we should take a break from eachother and evaluate if i'm really the man she wants and vice versa. Deep down, i really do want to work this out. Five years is alot to just walk away from. I don't want her to think she can be a brat anytime she wants and i'll put up with it. Usually she texts me : "Are you still mad" after a fight and not speaking for a couple of days and i'll say "NO". Then we'll start talking again like nothing ever happened. This time its different. Everytime she acts irresponsible and reckless with her $, it's almost like she expects me to be there to clean up her messes. I'm going to make alot of messes on my own without having to clean hers up to. If i ever do decide to go back to her, she's going to have to come correct. I'm going to make it mandatory that we do couples therapy and again, talk about what we expect out of eachother. I think this breakup will give me a chance to clear my head. Thanks for all your input. I'd still appreciate any more thoughts and input on this most recent occurence.
critter909 Posted June 19, 2008 Posted June 19, 2008 she's definetly thinking about you. Be careful, you said she does this after every fight and after you say you are not mad anymore you guys don't talk and go back to normal, you don't want that again. Stay strong!
Author fetish Posted June 19, 2008 Author Posted June 19, 2008 ^^^Yeah I'm trying to stay stong. I think in the end, i'll be more respectable if i don't make it that easy for her to just walk back in my life and try to step all over me again.
Ssheena Posted June 19, 2008 Posted June 19, 2008 Figure out what and how you want to react to her. Tell her money is a huge issue in many, many relationships and I don't want it to cause any more issues in ours. Figure out how to address the issue and what her part is going to be in this (as well as yours). Put you first and keep posting.
sparktonSS Posted June 19, 2008 Posted June 19, 2008 hey sparkton, thanks for your input. I didn't think that sending that text would sound like I was being insecure. I thought it would tell her that i hope she finds the perfect man because obviously she wasn't happy with me so maybe she would find the man that i failed to measure up to. Personally, i think it would be very difficult to find a man who was as patient and attentitive as me. Not saying she can't find it but it might take longer than she expects. Quick update, she finally texted me last night after i left the gym asking: Are you still mad?? I didn't reply. So she sent me the exact same text 2 hours later. I replied: YES. About 30 minutes later she sent me another text asking if i was home. I replied: YES. That was the end of that for last night. So that answered my question as to whether she was thinking about me. I'm still not sure that i should rush back in to this relationship. I think if we do end up talking i'm going to tell her that i think we should take a break from eachother and evaluate if i'm really the man she wants and vice versa. Deep down, i really do want to work this out. Five years is alot to just walk away from. I don't want her to think she can be a brat anytime she wants and i'll put up with it. Usually she texts me : "Are you still mad" after a fight and not speaking for a couple of days and i'll say "NO". Then we'll start talking again like nothing ever happened. This time its different. Everytime she acts irresponsible and reckless with her $, it's almost like she expects me to be there to clean up her messes. I'm going to make alot of messes on my own without having to clean hers up to. If i ever do decide to go back to her, she's going to have to come correct. I'm going to make it mandatory that we do couples therapy and again, talk about what we expect out of eachother. I think this breakup will give me a chance to clear my head. Thanks for all your input. I'd still appreciate any more thoughts and input on this most recent occurence. It was just my opinion that it made you sounds somewhat insecure. Maybe insecure isnt the word...I dunno?? Good job on the very short response messages! Thats how you do it. Let her know you are pissed. The thing is that she needs to know that you are NOT GOING TO FIX HER FINANCIAL PROBLEMS, NOR ARE YOU GOING TO BE HER BANK, giving out money whenever possible. I would also let her know that, if you feel this way (I would)...that you dont know if you can trust her because she just went and took money from you without any authorization! Thats only if you feel like you cant trust her with your money laying around. If you two start talking again, I would turn the tables and say...what would you do if I took money from your purse and then I took even more money the next day, without asking? See what she says. Just because you two were together, doesnt mean you combine finances...you arent married.
critter909 Posted June 19, 2008 Posted June 19, 2008 Good point. Even if you get married to her or back together in a serious relationship you may want to keep your money separate. I am trying to deal with the mess right now of joint accounts etc. If she is not really responsible with her money she may mess things up for both of you.
Author fetish Posted June 19, 2008 Author Posted June 19, 2008 Figure out what and how you want to react to her. Tell her money is a huge issue in many, many relationships and I don't want it to cause any more issues in ours. Figure out how to address the issue and what her part is going to be in this (as well as yours). Put you first and keep posting. That's how i'm planning on handling this. I'm going to start thinking about me first just like she's been doing for herself all along. The girl needs to learn some serious responsibilty. She may be an honor's student and everything but when she starts threatening me saying, "I'll just have to go find me a sugardaddy!" She sounds like a ho. Good point. Even if you get married to her or back together in a serious relationship you may want to keep your money separate. I am trying to deal with the mess right now of joint accounts etc. If she is not really responsible with her money she may mess things up for both of you. It was just my opinion that it made you sounds somewhat insecure. Maybe insecure isnt the word...I dunno?? Good job on the very short response messages! Thats how you do it. Let her know you are pissed. The thing is that she needs to know that you are NOT GOING TO FIX HER FINANCIAL PROBLEMS, NOR ARE YOU GOING TO BE HER BANK, giving out money whenever possible. I would also let her know that, if you feel this way (I would)...that you dont know if you can trust her because she just went and took money from you without any authorization! Thats only if you feel like you cant trust her with your money laying around. If you two start talking again, I would turn the tables and say...what would you do if I took money from your purse and then I took even more money the next day, without asking? See what she says. Just because you two were together, doesnt mean you combine finances...you arent married. Yeah even if we were married, i would not share a bank account with her. I also wouldn't think that she can just help herself all the time to my stuff just because she's irresponsible with hers. The input is greatly appreciated. I'm going to take it slow and think twice about jumping right back in. Her text last night was not good enough. It didn't say she was wrong or would try to do anything different. It did make me feel better to know that she is thinking of me though. She's been real pushy about us getting married. She just set the possibility of that ever happening even further. She seems to like that ghetto love where you gotta get loud and screaming. That's not good for my mental or physical health.
Author fetish Posted June 20, 2008 Author Posted June 20, 2008 Well i didn't hear from her yesterday and i'm thinking it must be my turn to be the 1st to contact. I was told by a friend that i shouldn't answer back to anymore of her texts because that drives women crazy when they don't know what you're up to. Seeing how she's the wrong one in this, does it seem like not responding to any of her texts is a good idea? Something's telling me i should just check up on her to see if she's alright As i've said many times, I feel she needs to come to me correct and admit she made a mistake if she ever wants to try being with me again. PS: I know i said i wouldnt ask anymore questions. OK i lied.
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