PhoenixFromTheFlames Posted June 14, 2008 Posted June 14, 2008 Hi all, Just wondering if any of you had some positive post break-up experiences to share? Things that have happened because of the break-up that you maybe wouldn't have done/realised before? I have faced my dual fear (rejection and abandonment) and survived! I have gone to work everyday, I have maintained my close relationships, I have been able to carry on and live my life without him. I really thought the world would end, that i'd be unable to get out of bed - but I have. Knowing that i'm stronger than I thought I was has really helped my everyday confidence. I really, really do know who my friends are. I know that people are there to support me and that I can depend on people. I have a great support network, sometimes it's easy to take that for granted. I'm making a bigger effort to connect with people (i'm very shy), and it's starting to pay off. I'm being invited out with new people more and more, and feeling good about getting back out there. I would never have done this if we were still together. I never ventured far from the familiar, and now i'm embracing new things without needing him as a safety net. I have had a mini-makeover and i'm slowly starting to rebuild my confidence. I've found a new hobby (running) and my gym membership is actually being used! I'm looking better than I have in some time (the heartbreak diet is the best i've ever been on!). And my wardrobe has changed for the better. I'm moving in with a friend, something I've wanted to do for years but never did. Again, if I was still with him, I would have been living with him by now. Living with a mate or independently of a romantic partner has always been something I've wanted to do. It doesn't take away the negatives though, but i've been focussing far too much on those lately.
ianandris Posted June 14, 2008 Posted June 14, 2008 I'm convinced that heart break is hands down one of the most powerful educating experiences you can have. I'm still smarting from my (very) recent break up, but I've learned quite a bit about myself through the experience. 1. I learned to trust my instincts. She brought up the concern that I was always trying to "fix" the relationship, even though it wasn't broken. She suggested that it was my insecurity causing me to do this, and I believed her. Come to find out that my instincts were right, I just wasn't sure what they were telling me. If something is up, something is up. The trick now is trying to figure out just what, particularly, my instincts are cluing me into. I definitely feel more secure as a result of this experience. 2. I learned to let go of the illusion of control. Things will happen as they happen, for better or for worse. Hold on too tight, and you'll get burned when it falls apart. If it's right, it will happen. If you let it go and it comes back, it was meant to be. Trying too hard to make something work out of fear that it will fail is wasted exertion. 3. "Give your heart, but not into each others keeping." Even though, when you love someone, their needs will supersede your own, your highest, most sacred priority MUST ALWAYS be to yourself. Never sacrifice your individuality, your identity, your separateness for another person. Never exhaust yourself on their behalf. If you give and give and give and don't get anything in return, eventually, you won't be able to give anymore. If the other isn't giving back, something is wrong.
FindingMyselfAgain Posted June 14, 2008 Posted June 14, 2008 Holy crap. LOTS of positives. Like I discovered my ex-fiance was a crackhead in the making (after we broke up, she started doing crack with her new guy -- at the age of 42, she picks up hard drugs!). I discovered that she was a chameleon pretending to be compatible. I discovered she was more into the $$$ that I make, rather than me. I discovered life without Karen is just fine, thank you very much. I discovered I need to love myself FIRST. I looked back on the relationship and realized it was filled with her judging me and controlling me, and that I don't ever need to let someone do that to me again. I learned limits. I learned a little about who I am. I learned a lot.
FindingMyselfAgain Posted June 14, 2008 Posted June 14, 2008 2. I learned to let go of the illusion..... Oh yeah. One other thing. I learned to learn and love the PERSON, not the image of who I thought they were. Cuz they probably ain't that person at all.
Trialbyfire Posted June 14, 2008 Posted June 14, 2008 I've learned to value the equilibrium it brings. No more drama!
blackberry23 Posted June 14, 2008 Posted June 14, 2008 It's always good to focus on yourself and be happy with yourself !! After all, if you love yourself, it gives others a chance to love you too !
jerbear Posted June 14, 2008 Posted June 14, 2008 I've learned to not fish in the company pond and also the client's pond. I would have to say while dating, the relations between the departments have improved and ditto between the client and the firm. It is great when it works out, all hell breaks loose when it doesn't.
Template Posted June 14, 2008 Posted June 14, 2008 Gosh, where do I begin. I've learned so much about myself, and life in general, that it a god blessing that I'm no longer with my woman anymore. These lessons and personal revelation would have NEVER occurred if I was with her. While there are some things about myself to improve she helped kick start, there are other lessons that resulted that I've found on my own. Probably the most important lesson I've learned is that I need to learn to love myself first. Originally I've thought that if I made others happy, I'm happy as well, but all this time, it truly wasn't the case. Some call this the "nice guy syndrome"; in which I'm trying to deviate from, and be an "integrated male". I've learned that I can't truly expect to make others happy if I can't make myself happy first, and sincerely WANT to be happy. If you've read some of my other posts, you'll have read that my evolution has truly brought some great results; most notably my promotion at work. There is so much more I've learned, but really, this is the base that started it all.
daphne Posted June 15, 2008 Posted June 15, 2008 I've learned that I will never settle for being in a relationship just because I'm afraid of growing old and not finding what I'm looking for. I've learned that I can waste too much time looking back on someone not meant for me, instead of seeing the good I have going on in my life. I've learned that rose colored glasses were created by hollywood. I have become far more practical. I've learned that good men do not grow on trees. I've relearned to be still. I find balance and happiness in stillness. Most importantly, I've learned that developing intimacy takes a long time. If it's hurried, it's usually subterfuge and I need to step back.
Surfer Girl Posted June 15, 2008 Posted June 15, 2008 I finally recognized the definiton of insanity.... doing the same things over and over again expecting different results.... The results are the same and for the first time I am not going to fall into the same pattern that I was addicted to.... It was very hard and difficult to recognize.... The heartbreak of the on again off again relationship that causes more pain than happiness...
JackhammerGemma Posted June 15, 2008 Posted June 15, 2008 I haven't learned much yet but then again my break up is very recent (within days.) The only things I can think of are not to love someone too soon and never spend all your time with them, maintain your own life apart from theirs. Losing your identity in someone else's life is never a good thing.
Issues & tissues Posted June 15, 2008 Posted June 15, 2008 I've learned that I will never settle for being in a relationship just because I'm afraid of growing old and not finding what I'm looking for. I've learned that I can waste too much time looking back on someone not meant for me, instead of seeing the good I have going on in my life. I totally agree with the above. I would also add that I have learnt that I need to LOVE myself first. In the past I sold my soul to please the one I love. Now I spoil me, me, me and it feels so good! Also, I now understand that it will take as long as it needs to take for me to find the right person for me. I have learnt not to surrender myself too easily...pearls to swine blah, blah, blah.
littledream Posted June 16, 2008 Posted June 16, 2008 I haven't learned much yet but then again my break up is very recent (within days.) The only things I can think of are not to love someone too soon and never spend all your time with them, maintain your own life apart from theirs. Losing your identity in someone else's life is never a good thing. I totally agree! I've just come out of a relationship (1 and 1/2 years) and its only when I've maintainted no contact that I've been able to gain some perspective on the situation. And one of the biggest things I've realized is that I'm compromised a lot of myself in this relationship. That instead of insisted he meet me in the middle I went over in hopes to try to draw him to my side. Often this didn't work and it ended up in me getting frustrated and him taking me for granted. Well no more! One of the best things to come out of this break is that I'm re-discovering me. It's kinda cool. I've set new goals for myself and am more willing to 'get out there' and try a few new things. I still have my moments, but day by day I'm healing. And so can you! Keep going!
Issues & tissues Posted June 16, 2008 Posted June 16, 2008 One of the best things to come out of this break is that I'm re-discovering me. It's kinda cool. I've set new goals for myself and am more willing to 'get out there' and try a few new things. I still have my moments, but day by day I'm healing. And so can you! Keep going! Good advice. Oh and I love your avatar!
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