chuckgirl Posted June 14, 2008 Posted June 14, 2008 Looking for some advice. My best friend, whom I love, is married. I, too, am married. I know he cares about me, but never returned my love, nor took advantage of any advances that I made. We only communicated via e-mail and a couple of phone calls. It was a long friendship, close to 7 years. Well, my husband was jealous of my friendship. Didn't trust it. Put spying capabilities on my computer, me unaware. Well he read some very hurtful stuff.....things I said negative about him and where I tried to get my friend to get with me and make it more than just a friendship. He then notified my friend of what he read and threatened him with the info and sharing with his wife. My friend really never said anything like he wanted an affair, but did sometimes say little things that could happen if we were both single and were together. Could is the key word there. Never said would. Anyway after that we stopped contact with each other. I really missed him. I ended up contacting him and we got back to writing again. My husband said he was alright with it as long as it just remained friends, because he hated seeing me so hurt. I couldn't behave. Then my husband gave me an ultimatum at the beginning of this year. He was going to leave, unless I gave up my friend. Because, as long as my friend was in the picture, he wouldn't be able to handle it. I also realized that I needed to give him up, because as long as he was around I could not give my marriage my all. This was a last ditch effort to try and make my marriage work (and yes counseling has been in the picture). So I told my friend good-bye and he understood, he is always great that way. Tall order, been emotionally abused, have 2 kids, husband also has mental problems (unfortunately for him, predisposed for). Have put up with so much, been miserable for many, many years. I have told my husband we just aren't going to work. I am miserable and so he is, mostly from me being miserable. He is drinking again, which I can't handle this again. He is an alcoholic, can't keep doing this. He was in recovery, but not anymore. Was going to try for 3 more years until my oldest finished hs, so as to not mess up his life at all, just can't do it though. So here is the advice I need: Do I try to get back with my best friend? Or should I just leave it alone. I did talk to him the other day, by accident. DD got hold of phone and somehow his speed dial # got hit. He of course was sweet as usual. Talked to him before I had told my husband. Told him I was going to leave husband. Conversation stayed how it should be, friendly and caring. Husband asks that I do not contact him, out of respect, until he moves out. But should I contact him? I love him with all my heart, but do not want to put him in a awkward position. He is still married and will be for a few more years, kind of waiting until kids out of house. Wife not happy either. Or should I contact him, when things have settled and let him decide?
Leia Posted June 14, 2008 Posted June 14, 2008 If you still love your husband (which I don't think you do), go for MC. If you have no love for him anymore, leave him so that he can be happy with someone else. As for your so called best friend, please do not contact him anymore.
OWoman Posted June 14, 2008 Posted June 14, 2008 Told him I was going to leave husband. Then he knows all he needs to know. Leave him be for now. You have enough else on your hands with the dissolution of the family unit and helping your kids through that smoothly needs to be your primary focus now. Once all of that has settled, you'll be in a clearer space where you can consider what it is you need to do next - if anything. Your friend knows where you're at. He's not led you on or made any promises to you - and whether or not he'd be available to you in the way you want will remain to be seen. For now, though, he'll likely see it as putting pressure on him to "reciprocate" by trading in his M too - and that may well not be where he's at. It sounds as though you have a lot to deal with - hang in there.
showupbutbroken Posted June 14, 2008 Posted June 14, 2008 You sound like you are going through a lot of hurt from your husband, take the time to focus on that and your children. You really need to handle this on your own. If not, resentment issues could come up later and guilt. You have to be whole again before you can share yourself with someone else. If you need support, turn to some of your other friends or family and make sure someone is there to help you through this. Just not him... It will be better in the long run if you guys end up having a shot at being together that he is not dragged through this. My MM is separated and I am not sure of a status update with him. He needs to figure it all out himself and months or years from now, we can start over as friends if he ends up without her. If they end up together, I will possibly never hear from him again, unless our professional paths keeping crossing. The strength I have learned to tap into is acceptance. Accept and deal with the situation yourself. It's your one life and no one else's.
Author chuckgirl Posted June 14, 2008 Author Posted June 14, 2008 If you still love your husband (which I don't think you do), go for MC. If you have no love for him anymore, leave him so that he can be happy with someone else. As for your so called best friend, please do not contact him anymore. I already stated that we were doing the counseling thing. It wasn't helping. And you are right and I agree, to let him go so that he can be happy with someone else. My thoughts and words exactly. Why do you think I should not contact him? Just want to know what is behind that statement. It isn't that I am saying you are wrong, because I am wanting advice, just always need backup to advice, reasoning behind it. Thanks.
Author chuckgirl Posted June 14, 2008 Author Posted June 14, 2008 Then he knows all he needs to know. Leave him be for now. You have enough else on your hands with the dissolution of the family unit and helping your kids through that smoothly needs to be your primary focus now. Once all of that has settled, you'll be in a clearer space where you can consider what it is you need to do next - if anything. Your friend knows where you're at. He's not led you on or made any promises to you - and whether or not he'd be available to you in the way you want will remain to be seen. For now, though, he'll likely see it as putting pressure on him to "reciprocate" by trading in his M too - and that may well not be where he's at. It sounds as though you have a lot to deal with - hang in there. Thanks. I know it is going to be hard. And yes my kids are what I worry about the most. You are right, I need to focus on them. They are unaware right now, and I hate lying to them..but my husband and I need t work out stuff, then present them with the facts.
Author chuckgirl Posted June 14, 2008 Author Posted June 14, 2008 You sound like you are going through a lot of hurt from your husband, take the time to focus on that and your children. You really need to handle this on your own. If not, resentment issues could come up later and guilt. You have to be whole again before you can share yourself with someone else. If you need support, turn to some of your other friends or family and make sure someone is there to help you through this. Just not him... It will be better in the long run if you guys end up having a shot at being together that he is not dragged through this. My MM is separated and I am not sure of a status update with him. He needs to figure it all out himself and months or years from now, we can start over as friends if he ends up without her. If they end up together, I will possibly never hear from him again, unless our professional paths keeping crossing. The strength I have learned to tap into is acceptance. Accept and deal with the situation yourself. It's your one life and no one else's. Thank you so much for you advice. The first paragragh really hit home. That and the other post above is what I am needing to hear. That is why I asked. Cause honestly, I am questioning my decisions. I know I need to get out of this marriage, not regretting that one bit. I just don't want to make mistake after mistake with the rest of my life.
whichwayisup Posted June 14, 2008 Posted June 14, 2008 Do I try to get back with my best friend? Or should I just leave it alone. No. This guy is married and hasn't left his wife. Keeping him in your life even if you do end up divorcing will only prevent you from finding someone else and healing, letting go of what you feel for him. Focus on your kids, focus on you. Your kids will need you during this process, if you do divorce.
Author chuckgirl Posted June 14, 2008 Author Posted June 14, 2008 No. This guy is married and hasn't left his wife. Keeping him in your life even if you do end up divorcing will only prevent you from finding someone else and healing, letting go of what you feel for him. Focus on your kids, focus on you. Your kids will need you during this process, if you do divorce. I know that what you say is right. I know it is what I need to do. It is going to take willpower though. I miss him so much, still. But I don't want to be any kind of problem in his life. And yes, it may make it difficult to find someone else that wants me, if I have him in my mind and heart with constant contact. Thanks for your advice. I really like this forum. I find that people are very caring, even if it isn't what you want to hear, but in this case, need to hear.
bentnotbroken Posted June 14, 2008 Posted June 14, 2008 You made advances, he didn't take the bait. You told him your feelings and he didn't take the bait. What does that say to you? He is married and it appears he wants to stay that way. Leave your H and get some IC.
Author chuckgirl Posted June 14, 2008 Author Posted June 14, 2008 You made advances, he didn't take the bait. You told him your feelings and he didn't take the bait. What does that say to you? He is married and it appears he wants to stay that way. Leave your H and get some IC. Believe me, I keep telling myself those same words. Except he does not want to stay married, not that that makes me a possible part of his future. Just stating the facts. I am leaving my husband. But what does IC mean?
bentnotbroken Posted June 14, 2008 Posted June 14, 2008 Believe me, I keep telling myself those same words. Except he does not want to stay married, not that that makes me a possible part of his future. Just stating the facts. I am leaving my husband. But what does IC mean? It means individual counseling. And if he didn't want to stay married, he would be gone. Don't fall for what you think is happening.
Love4Eternity Posted June 14, 2008 Posted June 14, 2008 I would have to say just be a friend as that is all he is interested in...respect his wishes! if you two are meant to be together it will happen on its own you dont need to intefere in his marriage let him do his thing and if someday he is free and he has feelings for you he will let you know im sure..good luck as for no contact some say its better but for me i think if you can remain friends and respect each other then stay friends just give the other one their space if its requested.. sorry to hear about your hubby i have had some dealings with mine too and we are trying to work them out, im sorry yours isnt but wish you the best in what ever decision you make...
Author chuckgirl Posted June 14, 2008 Author Posted June 14, 2008 I would have to say just be a friend as that is all he is interested in...respect his wishes! if you two are meant to be together it will happen on its own you don't need to interfere in his marriage let him do his thing and if someday he is free and he has feelings for you he will let you know im sure..good luck as for no contact some say its better but for me i think if you can remain friends and respect each other then stay friends just give the other one their space if its requested.. sorry to hear about your hubby i have had some dealings with mine too and we are trying to work them out, im sorry yours isnt but wish you the best in what ever decision you make... Dang it...........this is what the other part of me keeps battling with. I've thought about just e-mailing in a couple of months, when I know what is happening in my life. And letting him take it from there. But.....I also think everyone else is right and just let it go. This is my round and round about it. And then I think I should say something, because it is safe for him to be in my life if my husband isn't here. But.........then I keep thinking that he maybe better off without me in his life. AGH! That is why I wrote here......I need people who aren't emotionally involved in my life to give me clear picture of what I need to do. I hope you and your hubby work it out. I really don't like divorce. I think it is too easy for some people, instead of working things out. I have, unfortunately been miserable for 17 years. Enough is enough. Many counselors, many heartbreaks, much emotional abuse, dealing with someone who suffers from depression, anxiety, alcoholism and other addictive disorders. We really have grown apart in common interests. We love each other enough to not want bad for the other. Emotionally we are not connected. The only time I feel bad about my decision is when I see his pain and the hurt I will see my kids endure. And to stay in this situation were we are just making each other miserable isn't good for anyone.
Chrome Barracuda Posted June 15, 2008 Posted June 15, 2008 I'm sorry but I respectfully disagree. You claim you've been miserable for 17 years. if you have why did you take so long to examine your marriage and want to leave now. I believe your only saying that because your in the so called affair fog of things you cant see the trees your about to crash into. Why dont you go tell the your friends betrayed wife , the entire truth, let's see how fast this friendship lasts. You think he wont throw you under the bus? Your only deluding yourself and believing this man will be with you. If you knew this friend for so long and was attracted to him from so many years ago. Why didnt you marry him? Why didnt you be with him then? Why now after everyone has children and families would you embark on an affair and proclaim it love. All it is to you is an EXIT affair, reguardless deep down inside you want out of your marriage and your using this OM as an excuse to leave it for so called greener pastures. I'm being real with you. I bet your husband's a great guy and your gonna end up throwing him away for what? Another man who goes back to his wife, still lies about his indiscretions, lies to his kids about telling the truth. Yeah some guy your friend is. Be real with yourself stop sugar coating your story.
showupbutbroken Posted June 15, 2008 Posted June 15, 2008 I think that reply was pretty harsh. I know people that were in abusive relationships (not physical, mental) for 10+ years. Sometimes the wake-up call is someone treating them nice. My brother was in one for 16 years. She was a stay at home mom that didn't cook or clean so he would work 16 hour days and do it himself. She yelled at him, kept him from many family events and eventually cheated on him. He stayed because he wanted the kids to have two parents around. He will officially be divorced in a couple of months, has started dating and has never been happier. It really took him seeing that life didn't need to be that way. And no one can make you see that until you are ready and something in your mind clicks to see it makes sense. It sounds like her MM may have been what made her see life didn't need to be that way. But that is all the more reason why I think she needs to address it as its own situation and not relate it back to him.
carhill Posted June 15, 2008 Posted June 15, 2008 We love each other enough to not want bad for the other. Emotionally we are not connected. The only time I feel bad about my decision is when I see his pain and the hurt I will see my kids endure. And to stay in this situation were we are just making each other miserable isn't good for anyone. This tells me you have the capacity of love and empathy which is a good sign. IMO, you are attaching all the positives of your past relationship and love for your H to your current emotional state, hence "feeling bad". Within the vacuum of the current situation, I doubt you would feel this way. I'll suggest to you what I'm doing. No contact and make decisive moves to continue or end your marriage. I know that it's going to be hard, either way. When was the last time you had MC? What was your H's participation and perspective? I'm not saying MC is the right thing, but, if you haven't been in awhile, it could help you clarify for yourself and communicate your perspective to your H in a neutral environment. I'll bet you're very sexually and emotionally frustrated right now. It's almost overwhelming. The OM/MM can't fix that for you. The changes must come from within. I wish you well. Sometimes the best path is the hardest path to walk
Author chuckgirl Posted June 15, 2008 Author Posted June 15, 2008 This tells me you have the capacity of love and empathy which is a good sign. IMO, you are attaching all the positives of your past relationship and love for your H to your current emotional state, hence "feeling bad". Within the vacuum of the current situation, I doubt you would feel this way. I'll suggest to you what I'm doing. No contact and make decisive moves to continue or end your marriage. I know that it's going to be hard, either way. When was the last time you had MC? What was your H's participation and perspective? I'm not saying MC is the right thing, but, if you haven't been in awhile, it could help you clarify for yourself and communicate your perspective to your H in a neutral environment. I'll bet you're very sexually and emotionally frustrated right now. It's almost overwhelming. The OM/MM can't fix that for you. The changes must come from within. I wish you well. Sometimes the best path is the hardest path to walk Actually it was in our mc session that he found out. It was not how I planned it, but I was sitting there thinking this is such a waste of time. Then the counselor looked at us both, noticing we both looked defeated and asked did we still want to work on our marriage. I then said no. Yes, sometimes I think I have picked the hardest path to walk. But I know I will never love my H the way I should as his wife. I have been hurt too much over the years. We really aren't good for each other, we don't make each other happy. We've grown apart. I feel bad, because it is me. He loves me and wants us to work. We (via MC and the counselor himself) didn't ever know if it could ever work, because of how I've been treated. Didn't ever know if the wall would ever come down. The minute it comes down, he does something to bring it back up and it gets stronger and stronger each time. And I agree, that I can't work on myself with the MM in my life. I really don't have contact with him. He isn't part of my decisions. I am emotionally a wreck, sexually it is no different than before. I have sex to have sex. Many times it is to avoid a fight. Sex isn't what it should be. It is good for the sexual satisfaction, not the emotional side of it. We have separated several times before and gotten back together. But the problems that were suppose to go away, really only faded until we were back together and they came back. The counselor was very good. He always gave good advice. And if we didn't have some of the issues we have or had, I think it could have worked. He was very good at showing my husband how his thinking was not correct. And yes, sometimes mine was wrong. But my husband never would realize that the way he thought about things was not good for a good marriage.
carhill Posted June 15, 2008 Posted June 15, 2008 I am emotionally a wreck, sexually it is no different than before. I have sex to have sex. Many times it is to avoid a fight. Sex isn't what it should be. It is good for the sexual satisfaction, not the emotional side of it. I envy you. I wish I had the capacity to compartmentalize sex. I just can't feel sexual with my wife without the emotional connection. Perhaps that's the difference. Your H still is pursuing his sexual privileges in the M and you merely accede. I'm not being "the man" anymore IMO, you really tried. The OM/MM was/is a signpost. You are still healthy. Life is short. Keep us posted on your progress
Author chuckgirl Posted June 15, 2008 Author Posted June 15, 2008 I'm sorry but I respectfully disagree. You claim you've been miserable for 17 years. if you have why did you take so long to examine your marriage and want to leave now. I believe your only saying that because your in the so called affair fog of things you cant see the trees your about to crash into. Why dont you go tell the your friends betrayed wife , the entire truth, let's see how fast this friendship lasts. You think he wont throw you under the bus? Your only deluding yourself and believing this man will be with you. If you knew this friend for so long and was attracted to him from so many years ago. Why didnt you marry him? Why didnt you be with him then? Why now after everyone has children and families would you embark on an affair and proclaim it love. All it is to you is an EXIT affair, reguardless deep down inside you want out of your marriage and your using this OM as an excuse to leave it for so called greener pastures. I'm being real with you. I bet your husband's a great guy and your gonna end up throwing him away for what? Another man who goes back to his wife, still lies about his indiscretions, lies to his kids about telling the truth. Yeah some guy your friend is. Be real with yourself stop sugar coating your story. Wow....I am not the person who hurt you. Slow down. First of all...I did not know my MM until I was pregnant with my youngest child. He contacted me via a school reunion type site. We were never friends, he did not have a crush on me, he just remembered me and wrote to me. Still today wonder why, but he has stated it was merely an innocent "hi". I am not sugar coating anything. I have been emotionally abused for 17 years. It, so I thought, was easier to stay in this type of relationship for my kids. I have decided that is no longer something I can do. I have talked to many, giving me strength to leave. My MM was never one of them. Only one time in our 7 years did he not encourage me to stay. He never promised a life with him, he never to advantage of any of the many passes I made to him. He is a decent man. He has nothing to fear from me telling his wife anything. The only thing he did wrong was continue to write me, knowing my feelings for him. He is not happy, either. His wife no longer wants to be married. They are staying together for their kids, too. We had a lot in common. Thus our friendship. He, like me, did things for his kids, that maybe weren't always in his best interest, but the interest of his kids. I am not leaving my husband for him. Other than us caring for each other and hoping the best for each other, we have no relationship at this moment. My whole purpose to this thread is to see if I should ever contact my MM again. To be friends again. To have him as my best friend, whom I miss. And yes, perhaps down the road, he will know that I am single, when he is. Not that anything would happen, even then. My husband is bi-polar. He is depressed most the time. He self-medicates. During our early years, he treated me like crap. He even had an affair. No surprise to me, as we were miserable. It wasn't until I left him that he woke up and appreciated me, for who I am. We separated for over a year at that time. (One other time, was only 2 months, not long enough). We were doing pretty good when we got back together. But as usual, it was only temporary. Back to self-medicating again. And my husband has serious anger issues. I live on egg shells everyday. Never knowing what will set him off. While he can be great with something, like my MM. He will hold it against me, subconsciously sabotaging our marriage. He even spent most of my son's life thinking our oldest child was not his. Why? Because they were nothing alike. So he figured I must have had an affair. Which I didn't. So guess how their relationship was during my child's crucial years. And you are so right. I shouldn't have waited so long to leave. But I was always wanting to try for the kids. Perhaps that is where my MM comes in. He woke me up to the fact that I am not this broken woman, who is a nobody. Maybe he helped my confidence. So contrary to your comment, it did not take 17 years for me to examine my marriage. What a joke. You are way off base with your perspective of what is going on here.
Author chuckgirl Posted June 15, 2008 Author Posted June 15, 2008 I envy you. I wish I had the capacity to compartmentalize sex. I just can't feel sexual with my wife without the emotional connection. Perhaps that's the difference. Your H still is pursuing his sexual privileges in the M and you merely accede. I'm not being "the man" anymore IMO, you really tried. The OM/MM was/is a signpost. You are still healthy. Life is short. Keep us posted on your progress Thank you for understanding. That has always been an issue in our marriage. Didn't matter how he treated me, he always expected sex. Didn't matter how tired I was, or how sleepy I was if he thought we should be having sex, he was relentless, I would give in, so I could get sleep.
Author chuckgirl Posted June 15, 2008 Author Posted June 15, 2008 I think that reply was pretty harsh. I know people that were in abusive relationships (not physical, mental) for 10+ years. Sometimes the wake-up call is someone treating them nice. My brother was in one for 16 years. She was a stay at home mom that didn't cook or clean so he would work 16 hour days and do it himself. She yelled at him, kept him from many family events and eventually cheated on him. He stayed because he wanted the kids to have two parents around. He will officially be divorced in a couple of months, has started dating and has never been happier. It really took him seeing that life didn't need to be that way. And no one can make you see that until you are ready and something in your mind clicks to see it makes sense. It sounds like her MM may have been what made her see life didn't need to be that way. But that is all the more reason why I think she needs to address it as its own situation and not relate it back to him. Thanks for sticking up for me, I thought it was pretty harsh, too. I can certainly relate to your brothers story.
White Flower Posted June 15, 2008 Posted June 15, 2008 Then he knows all he needs to know. Leave him be for now. You have enough else on your hands with the dissolution of the family unit and helping your kids through that smoothly needs to be your primary focus now. Once all of that has settled, you'll be in a clearer space where you can consider what it is you need to do next - if anything. Your friend knows where you're at. He's not led you on or made any promises to you - and whether or not he'd be available to you in the way you want will remain to be seen. For now, though, he'll likely see it as putting pressure on him to "reciprocate" by trading in his M too - and that may well not be where he's at. It sounds as though you have a lot to deal with - hang in there. I agree with OWoman here. Don't look desperate to your friend by contacting him right away. Let some time pass.
Author chuckgirl Posted June 15, 2008 Author Posted June 15, 2008 I agree with OWoman here. Don't look desperate to your friend by contacting him right away. Let some time pass. Ok. I have been really thinking about it and listening to everyone's advice. And I think this is exactly what I am going to do. I was thinking that I will send a bd card (a few months away) and that is it. He knows my situation and what my plans were going to be. He can then feel no pressure, no worries, and certainly I won't be putting him in a situation that he does not want to be in. And other than saying thanks to me, if he asks no questions, I will know to never bother him again. And for you cynical people out there, I am only asking for his friendship. I do not want him to leave his wife for me. I begged for an affair, which he declined. I respect him for it. I am not saying I am innocent, but I would never ask him again, esp. since I will be single and he will be married. Weird, I know, don't know if I can explain that one!
Leia Posted June 16, 2008 Posted June 16, 2008 I already stated that we were doing the counseling thing. It wasn't helping. And you are right and I agree, to let him go so that he can be happy with someone else. My thoughts and words exactly. Why do you think I should not contact him? Just want to know what is behind that statement. It isn't that I am saying you are wrong, because I am wanting advice, just always need backup to advice, reasoning behind it. Thanks. There isn't anything that hasn't been said here as to why you shouldn't contact him. He is still with his W, for all you know he doesn't intend to leave his W at all. Leave him be and if he's unhappy in his M, he'll do something about it. If you want to work on your M, you can't have anyone else meddling with yours and you shouldn't be meddling with others. Since counseling didn't help you both, what do you want to do now? You sound as if there really isn't anything that can be helped to work on your M.
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