First love of my life, broken engagement, now what?

[ianandris]

It's a messy situation, but I should have seen it coming. She was 2 weeks into her divorce when we met. She shouldn't have even been dating, shouldn't have been in a place where she could meet guys, but she was looking, I was looking, and we found each other.

 

We were together for 2 months, and it was magic. From the first night, we were inseparable spending every waking, every sleeping moment together. After the first couple of weeks, she told me she loved me and wanted to be with me forever. I had strong feelings for her, but I wasn't sure if they were that strong. I told her I wanted to wait a few months to figure it out, she cried, I felt bad, I decided to love her, and that was it. It took me a few weeks to reason through my reservations, but I did. I fell for her, with the understanding that she loved me completely and permanently. She always reassured me when I expressed doubts, possessing a powerful, calming certainty about us. We were euphoric with the idea of life together forever. We decided to get married. We looked at rings, started planning, the whole nine.

 

Well, she went to Florida for 2 weeks and towards the end of her trip, decided, came to the realization, that she never really loved me. She said she was in love with how I made her feel, and she only cared for me as a friend. She told me that she didn't know herself and, instead, became the person she thought I wanted her to be. She thought I wanted someone in my life I would always be able to count on (something I haven't had), and she wanted to be that person for me. But she didn't love me. She just wanted to make me happy (?). This is, of course, after I finally laid my reservations to rest and became comfortable with, even wholeheartedly embraced, the idea that this was the woman I was going to be with for the rest of my life. It hit me on Sunday. I was excited, thrilled, on a love high. The very next Tuesday, I'm crushed. That last week was probably the most difficult, most emotional week of my life for a host of reasons, not the least of which was the distance, the feeling of being shut out from her that I felt during the latter part of her absence that came as a consequence of her decision and her desire to tell me in person rather than over the phone that she didn't love me (a decision I respected, but one which certainly exacerbated the panic, the hurt I was feeling).

 

So, basically, I'm devastated. I honestly love her. Or loved her. I don't really know right now. I have feelings for her, but I feel so jerked around, I don't know how to make sense of them. I still want to be friends with her, but I can't handle being near her. I'm a secure individual, but talking to her, I'm a self doubting, insecure wreck. It's really infuriating. I'm starting to numb, to settle with the idea that it's over. I just feel so lied to, so used. I gave her everything, poured my whole self into us, and she took what she needed and left me a shell.

 

But I don't blame her. She needed, I provided, and I don't regret giving. Thing is, I gave her everything, and I don't have anything left to give. I just don't know where to go from here, how to heal...

[ianandris]

Anybody have any advice? Anything? Trying to get this figured out.

[stepheine]

I am sorry to hear all of this. I wish I had something to say to make it better. It makes no sense to me to lie to someone, say you want something and then when you get it say it isn't what you wanted at all. She sounds like she does not know what she wants, I would leave her alone. I dated someone going through a divorce and it was rough!! Recently out of a marriage she is probably very confussed and emotionally damaged right now. There is nothing you can do to help her, she has to deal with these things over time and heal them herself. I would leave her alone if you want to speed up her healing process. I know you love her, the best way to help her is to let her alone. She will come around with time. If you have moved on by then, well that is life.

[kizik]

Ian,

 

I think she acted very irresponsibly by getting together with you merely two weeks into a divorce. My ex acted similarly, in that she basically used me as a rebound from an emotionless relationship. The problem is that I was very lonely, and I let her. Cut to 3 years later, us breaking up b/c we didn't spend enough time getting to know each other in the beginning.

 

It's awful that this woman has jumped so wholeheartedly into a relationship with you (marriage plans!) without fully taking the time to re-evaluate herself. It's simply unfair to you.

 

You say that when you talk to her, you are a self-doubting, insecure wreck. This I can certainly relate to; it's as if my ex has some kind of mind control over me, and knows exactly how to make me feel like an idiot. This is and has been a HUGE problem. She makes me so nervous, and it's all b/c she blames me for things that aren't a big deal.

 

It's obvious to me that you need to stop talking to your ex, as hard as it will be. You're not getting anywhere by staying in contact; in fact, you're back-stepping. She broke your heart, plain and simple. If you are guilty of anything, it's letting yourself fall in love too quickly.

 

You're human. You wanted love. You got it, or you thought you got it, and it was taken away. I'm SO sorry.

 

The remedy: friends, work, school, hobbies, family.

[ianandris]

*sigh* Thanks for the words of comfort. I really appreciate it. I'm making good progress. I'm not feeling as hurt. I know she didn't intentionally mislead me, and that makes a big difference. However, it's still rough transitioning from companionship to a lack of companionship. I miss being able to have someone to hold when I need it. Someone available when I'm feeling ready to go, someone there to talk to and hang out with when I don't feel like doing a ton. She was the first real love of my life. First real, bona fide girlfriend of my life, really. I'd been in a couple relationships before, but they were both LDRs and it's just not the same thing as dating someone who lives within driving distance. There's that part of me that wonders how long it will be before I meet someone else, and it sucks. Starting back at square one really sucks. *sigh*

[kizik]

We're all going through this. All of us. How do we even begin to think about life without that person? How do we drag ourselves out of bed, go through the day's mundane routines, without the knowledge and security of the one we love in the back of our minds?

 

Humans are amazingly resilient creatures. I had a bad living situation a few months back, moved out... and now I don't even give it a thought. I have a Dad somewhere, who I haven't talked to in 3 years, and it's Father's Day... and I'm OK. You know?

 

Time and friends. Also, I just posted about Embracing the Pain b/c I'm sick of trying to hide from it. Maybe that will allow me to come to grips with my loss.

[ianandris]

We're a week into the split today. I'm staying away from her, giving her space, hoping she'll call me. But, she hasn't. I've decided, though, that I'm not making any moves. If she wants to be friends with me, she has to make the effort. I've put WAY more than my fair share into this relationship. I'm open to the idea of friendship, but I'll be damned if I'm the one doing all the work. Still miss being with her, though. Had a dream about her last night. Didn't mean anything, but we ended up playfully kissing each other at the end. Painful because I know it will never happen again... I really miss that, too. *sigh*

 

I am feeling better, though. I'm thinking about dating, trying to reconnect with friends and staying busy. It's been good. Can't wait for the next relationship, though (not that I'm in a rush, I'm just looking forward to the prospect of being in a relationship with someone who honestly cares for me.)

[carhill]

This is great news. You learned an important lesson here, that being not to invest yourself into a "rebound". It's a painful lesson (one I can empathize with) and the painful ones are the best signposts of all.

 

She chose to end things the way she did. Your job is to respect that and heal yourself. Remaining silent and focusing on self will help you. You can and should wait (IOW, heal yourself first) before reaching for the next relationship branch. Solitary time is healthy time. It's very hard.

 

Take this one day at a time and do not deny yourself the process. Grieving this loss is an important part of healing. Let it happen and take it all in. Get support. It will get better

[shanny]

That is very sad and I'm sorry for your loss. I was in the almost exact same situation... I started dating a guy who was two weeks separated from his wife. Looking back, he was not ready and neither was your girlfriend. Two weeks is a short time and the anger of whatever broke them up is still running high... many people get back together after two week breaks. You are right, she should not have been looking but I'm sure finding someone else to pay attention to her made her feel better about her situation.

 

If you really truly love her then you are doing the right thing by giving her space, however it seems it may be a lost cause. Do you think she is going back to her husband?

 

This should be a lesson to you to go at your own pace... do not let someone else push you into making a commitment that you are not sure of. Your gut was telling you the right thing by not rushing ahead with getting married and such. You seem very reasonable... knowing what is right and what is wrong. Please listen to yourself from now on.

 

Good luck... and it does get easier.

[ianandris]

Thanks a ton. I try to be reasonable as much as possible. It's hard when emotions are running strong, though. In answer to your question, I don't think she's going to be getting back with her husband. It's been about 3 months since they split now. He moved out to CA and she's sticking around here. The split was the result of a loveless relationship. There was no anger there, at least on her part, just a cool realization that she wasn't in love with him, so she left. She would have stayed with him if he'd just treated her a little bit better because she claims to be a woman of her word. In fact, she said she considered withholding the fact that she wasn't in love with me. She said if she didn't tell me, we would have gotten married, she would have lived up to the promises she made to me, and I would have been none the wiser (except for my intuition).

 

The reality is that she repeated the same mistake she made with him with me. The difference being that I treated her well and he basically ignored her. She became the person he thought she wanted her to be, and married him. She did the same thing with me, and would have married me. The problem is that she wasn't involved with either of us because she was in love with either of us. She was in love with the way we made her feel. She wants to make sure that the next man she commits herself to she commits to because she wants to be with him. She really needs to get herself figured out, and I sincerely hope she does. My hope now is that one day, she'll look back and realize just what she lost when she decided she didn't love me.

 

Also, I kinda sorta hope that the next relationship she gets into results in her getting her heart broken. (mean of me? maybe a little) It's an educating experience to honestly love someone and have that person realize they don't love you back. She's broken the hearts of two men because she doesn't know herself. She's had nothing but men seeking after her. I really would like her to feel the pain of unreciprocated love, so she can understand just what she put her ex husband and myself through.

 

I do want her to be happy, though, just wiser.