Not coping - Is he playing games with me???

[iluvpink]

Hi

Married for 21 years and separated for 12 weeks now and the pain is only getting worse. I thought I would have dealt with all this now but only get more confused. My H left as he is VERY depressed. He said he need space and time to sort out what he wanted. We have been very happy most of the time but the kids have caused us to disagree on a few issues which he resents. I feel so lost and alone without him and today has just been a day of sobbing. I know deep down I have to go on without him if that is what he chooses as I can't save this marriage on my own, not really sure how to do that as he has also been my best friend.

 

Today he told me he isn't in love with me but loves me as the mother of his children and still wants to be involved in my life and see me regularly. He isn't sure if this is because of his medication but feels he doesn't know how to love anymore. He also said there isn't anyone else important in his life but he has had dinner with a woman friend who he wouldn't name. I'm not sure what to make of this! I said if we weren't going to counselling or making an effort to fix things then I needed to have NC as this has been extremely difficult seeing him when he calls into see the kids.

 

He lost it then and said if he never got to see me then he'd might as well suicide because he cares and still wants me in his life with his children. I am so confused and don't know what to do. Is he playing games with me?? I miss him terribly and knowing that I have to see him all the time is making it extremely difficult to cope. My kids always catch me sobbing and give me a hug but I'm sick of them seeing me like this. They are 5, 10 and 13 years of age. I have never bad mouthed him to the kids and encourage him to see them whenever he can as they haven't coped too well either.

 

I booked into see a phychologist a month ago and finally get to see her this Monday but am hanging out for some help to try and cope. I don't know whether there is any hope for this marriage or if I should just move on - but then how do I do that with kids that I want to continue to have a good relationship with their father. He has offered to go to one counselling session with me but doesn't really believe in it and he still isn't sure if he wants the marriage to work. Do you think we should try counselling under these circumstances?

 

I'd appreciate any input and suggestions on how to handle this situation as I'm at a loss.

 

Thanks

Beth

[Gunny376]

First off threatening to suicide yourself isn't nothing more than BS! Its damned selfish, inconsiderate, controlling, BS! And if he actually does it? Its all the above times ten! If he actually follows through with it ~ make damn sure you clearly understand that its not because of anything that you did or didn't do.

 

Its the ultimate act of self-pity and selfishness.

 

You need to work on yourself and your self-esteem. You're literally addicated to the DH, and he obviosly has problems and issues to deal with about himself. And those he needs to work on for himself.

 

Your taking on his issues and problems, and that's what they are HIS not yours. Your caught up in all of this because of your history together. Your making his MIL crsis, issues, problems ~ yours.

 

Quit doing that.

 

You're getting handed the double-whammy because he has the luxuary of having problems, worries, and issues,................a ML crsis and walking away, while you get to deal with all the really good stuff, like taking care of three children, keeping a roof over your head, groceries in the house, lights on, water running, etc.

 

What he's doing as a man ~ is "caving" going off on the back forty alone, and trying to work through whatever problems (real or preceived) he has.

(Read "Men Are From Mars, And Women Are From Venus" ~ there's also a website that you can Goggle)

 

For the time being? I'd leave him alone, and let him "cave" and tell him to leave you alone until he gets his head and @ss wired back together ~ meanwhile get busy living your life and quit putting up and dealing with his BS!

[iluvpink]

Thanks gunny I appreciate your input and admire your comments on other posts. LS has saved my sanity during this tuff time so glad i found this site. I know what your saying is true - my head says one thing and then my heart says another. I'm not a quiter by nature and believe if something is worth fighting for i'll fight for it and believe the marriage is worth saving - it just depends on H as he's the one that has to "want" it too. I am just worried about him meeting someone else with no responsibilites as that would be so much easier for him, but I know that is out of my control.

 

I am trying my best at present - i think i'm just having one of "those" days. My kids are the most important at present - just trying to help them and hate them seeing me upset i'll be at peace when I feel happy again and living.

 

The suicide thing is a big issue for me cause he makes me feel responsible and my head knows that this isn't true and that its his responsibility. Just don't know how i'll cope if he goes ahead with it. His depression seems to be the base of all the problems - and I am finding this hard to deal with.

 

I've never seen a counsellor before and I'm relying on the fact that she can help me move ahead and get on with life without him. It's a scary thing for me to face at present but I believe this is the way I'm headed. I will be starting my first job in 10 years on July 1 and can't wait to start. Maybe that'll be the beginning of my new life? Who knows.

 

Thanks again

Beth