whichwayisup Posted June 14, 2008 Posted June 14, 2008 WHY THE HELL DID HE CALL?!?!?!?! 1)He's an a-hole and wanted to see what would happen if he called you. 2)An ego feed. 3)To see if you were still into him and again, ego feed. Don't try to figure him out! HIS LOSS, not yours. Just be thankful that it's over and you don't have that jerk in your life anymore. Stay strong and IF he ever has the balls to call you again, ignore him! He's not worthy of ANY thought whatsoever from you, let alone any type of reaction. Silence says so much more than words.
borelandkaren Posted June 15, 2008 Posted June 15, 2008 You guys are just so weird to me. People here have asked me what world I'm from... I think the same thing when I read stuff like that. Ariadne, have you actually read and taken in ANYTHING that has been said in ANY POST on LS. I think "what world are you from" is being very kind. I think, "WHAT **** IS THIS CHICK SMOKING AND WHERE THE FECK CAN I GET ME SOME!!!" is more to the point! Sorry darl but you do need therapy. You've simply got no idea. :confused: You have NO BRAIN!
Surfer Girl Posted June 15, 2008 Posted June 15, 2008 Sometimes after a period of time... The person you love contacts you, what you had been wishing so long for...You finally see the person that he is... and the rose colored glasses come off... Not to play devils advocate.... After a year and he decides to call... hmmmm... I recognize he really hurt you.... And you can't be friends...But to give an ultimatum on your first conversation may have not been the best thing to do.... Not sticking up for the A-hole... And realizing you wanted to express your feelings... I just think if it was me... I would really question the real reason for calling and the reason he would never respond before... and what makes it different this time... You were beating yourself up for so long for not being a muscian... Perhaps I would have questioned why are you calling me, I am not a muscian.... I would have wanted more answers.. so that the closure would have made me feel more free to move on Perhaps, after all this time you recognize how much you have grown and learned he is not worth your time.... Hugs...
SadShamrock Posted June 15, 2008 Posted June 15, 2008 In response to Surfergirl- and getting answers- I think that there are people in this world who are just not attuned to others like you and I might be. If this guy is truly autistic or on the spectrum somehow, the answers might not be there, because the question was never even processed. Some people just don't get it. Truly. There is no understanding/concept of what the other person is even relating to. I have followed sedgwick's posts, too. It sounds like you are gaining a lot of strength from your interaction with the fiddler. Do what is right for you. I think if you ever decide that you would be able to be this guy's friend that you just might have to accept the way that he is. I guess we are lucky (or maybe unlucky)- those of us who come to LS- because we are able to share and divulge our feelings. We are able to exchange our deepest selves by sharing our thoughts through our words. Maybe this guy is not capable of communicating to another person the way we are. Maybe because the emotional point of reference is not programmed in. His way of feeling and expressing is through his music. Most of us live our lives by sharing them with others- we need and want others because we are social. That element in him- might be there- but not to the intensity that others have. The way we relate to each other as humans might just be the way he relates to music. None of this excuses how he treated you; however, it is just another point of view. I admire your way of expressing yourself- you truly have a gift with words- I know some day you will find someone who can truly understand and appreciate all that you have to offer and give to you what you deserve.
Surfer Girl Posted June 15, 2008 Posted June 15, 2008 Sad Shamrock You are quite right when you say some are unable to express their feelings... That music is the only way... Music is very powerful.....Perhaps the only way one can communicate... If you ever want to communicate again Sedgwick... which maybe you don't.... perhaps it would be in a song....
tinke Posted June 15, 2008 Posted June 15, 2008 sed, it seems the loss may have been magnified by the lack of closure you needed. with him simply leaving, it left you wondering, imagining, attempting to piece together something that made sense for a year now. how disenchanting to learn although you may have grown, he has remained stagnant. you have changed and he may not be what you had hoped for or expected with his surface expressions, lack of empathy, etc. you may want to look at this again, as a gift. although he may not be a bad person, all that wondering and heartache may come to rest. he is not what you remembered, what you had envisioned, what you dreamed. maybe this encounter will bring you some sort of closure/satisfaction.
Ssheena Posted June 15, 2008 Posted June 15, 2008 Sedgwick, I applaud you for stating how you feel and what you want with him. It's not easy and you did a great job. Whereas earlier you might have been willing to settle for the crumbs he would have been able to throw your way, if and when he felt so motivated, you realized that you want an all or nothing relationship with him and you told him. You stood up for yourself! You were strong and said, this is how I feel and this is what I want and if you can't or aren't willing to meet me on the same page, then I don't want to be friends with you. BRAVA! I know how much this guy meant to you and I know from your posts you were thinking how worthless you were (just because he said you weren't a musician or whatever it is he said). You are a strong woman who will not tolerate behavior such as his. Perhaps a fellow poster could learn a thing or two from you accepting that this is over and he is not worthy of being a pedistal at all and move on. What planet are you on? The one that looks reality in the face and sees it.
Author sedgwick Posted June 15, 2008 Author Posted June 15, 2008 Today I'm feeling a bit depressed. It's like I'm having a delayed reaction to hearing his voice again. I guess there was also this little bit of hope that maybe he'd evolved a bit in the past year, and now I know he hasn't. He's still doing exactly what he was doing before, and he still has no room in his life for me. I miss so many things about our relationship. When it was good, it was great. We had such an amazing connection. And now that's all gone, because his bass is the most important thing in his life and I just couldn't compete. All he needs is a fiddle to go with his bass, and I can't provide it. It's so fu*ked up that we can't know each other anymore. I've been asking myself if I should have tried to be friends with him, if I should have played along when he acted all happy. But I know I did the right thing. I feel it in my gut. It's just that doing the right thing really sucks sometimes. I wonder how he feels right now. But I've spent enough time wondering how he feels already. I have better things to do. I just wish I didn't feel like lying in bed staring at the ceiling.
carrotgirl Posted June 16, 2008 Posted June 16, 2008 I just wish I didn't feel like lying in bed staring at the ceiling. I wish you didn't feel like that too. Go eat something salty. Then come back and play. Carrot
Author sedgwick Posted June 16, 2008 Author Posted June 16, 2008 Thanks Carrot. Why am I so depressed? I don't get it.
vivrantflo Posted June 16, 2008 Posted June 16, 2008 How did your relationship with him end? I never really followed your story. Why did he dump you?
Kamille Posted June 16, 2008 Posted June 16, 2008 Thanks Carrot. Why am I so depressed? I don't get it. It could be a normal low to all the emotions you've felt yesterday. It will pass and you will realize what great strides you've made here. You were true to the love you felt for him and you respected your own boundaries. Hugs sedgwick.
carrotgirl Posted June 16, 2008 Posted June 16, 2008 Thanks Carrot. Why am I so depressed? I don't get it. 1. The BP brain plays a role, you know this, but knowing doesn't make it easier. Just reminding you that it's not just Sed per se. 2. The heart wants. The heart will always want something or someone. 3. You're bored. Seriously, you sound like you're bored. Love you Sed, Carrot
carrotgirl Posted June 16, 2008 Posted June 16, 2008 Is Tomato Sandwiches and Other Organic Treats to Feed the Ridiculously Thin really the book you wrote? If so, I'll totally buy it. I checked amazon.com and it's not there, though.... Your fans await!
Author sedgwick Posted June 16, 2008 Author Posted June 16, 2008 To answer what everyone's asking: 1. We had an amazing relationship. It was fabulous. It was the best relationship I've ever had. I thought we were both happy. Then, I sold my book, and he came in off the road to celebrate. That's the weekend he dumped me. We had an incredible night, lots of fun, lots of sex, he fell asleep holding me and told me he loved me. The next morning we woke up and over breakfast he told me he just couldn't be with someone who wasn't a musician. I never saw him again. 2. To everyone who thinks I'm the weirdo and I should just be over it, and that because it's been almost a year I should just be happy-go-lucky and good buddies with him when he called, tough. The last time we spoke, he said, "I'm just in town for a couple of days, I can't go calling everybody." (This after he said perhaps we could get together when he came back into town.) I went from being the woman he loved to "everybody." Just one of his legions of admirers. And it happened literally overnight. 3. We ended that conversation with me saying, "I love you unconditionally, always. If you ever want to get back together, you can call me." I was sobbing. He said, "You'll find someone else. Sorry I couldn't give you what you wanted." 4. He ignored me for 10 months. I'm sorry, but I just don't feel that after hurting someone that badly, and after being told you could call only if you wanted to get back together, calling them up suddenly and just joking around like you're old buddies is unacceptable. I feel very strongly that that conversation should have begun with at least an apology for hurting me as badly as he knows he did. I know there are those of you who think I should have just been jolly and over it and ready to talk to him. But I'm not. The ONLY reason he ever gave for dumping me was that I'm not a musician like he is (I'm a music-obsessed dancer who performs regularly with live musicians, but that wasn't close enough.) I needed to stand up for myself because talking to him like we were old pals would have made me feel like ****. I don't want to be friends with him. If you feel that I'm wrong and I'm weird and he's right and I should be chummy and palsy-walsy with him, tough. You deal with your breakup in your way and I'll deal with mine in my way. I stood up for myself and told him I wouldn't allow him to hurt me any longer, and I'm proud of myself for that. This breakup came totally and completely out of the blue. Because of what he said to me, I have spent the last year hating on everything I do because it's not music. I have doubted myself to the point that I almost didn't write the book I just sold for a big chunk o' cash, because it wasn't music. So he can think whatever he wants about me. I don't care. He can think I'm the weirdest girl ever and he can hate me all he wants. But I know that I stood up for myself and stood my ground. And no, I didn't write a book about tomato sandwiches. Carrot was joking. Humor, you see.
Lookingforward Posted June 16, 2008 Posted June 16, 2008 This breakup came totally and completely out of the blue. Because of what he said to me, I have spent the last year hating on everything I do because it's not music. I have doubted myself to the point that I almost didn't write the book I just sold for a big chunk o' cash, because it wasn't music. So he can think whatever he wants about me. I don't care. He can think I'm the weirdest girl ever and he can hate me all he wants. But I know that I stood up for myself and stood my ground Sedg, it sounds like maybe you are finally moving on - that this contact has helped clarify what you probably knew subconsciously all along.....you are so much stronger and more together than he'll ever be.
Author sedgwick Posted June 16, 2008 Author Posted June 16, 2008 Yeah, speaking of that "stronger and more toether" thing... To anyone who thinks I need to mature, let me lay out the facts for you. I am 37. He is 32. I am an accomplished woman who has spent several years in a very intensive therapy to deal with my issues. I liked him so much I didn't even talk to him my first year in therapy; I wanted to make sure I got my head together before I pursued him. I have my own apartment in Manhattan, a master's degree, a book deal, a dance company, and my own handmade yarn and knitting that I sell in NYC boutiques. I taught college for five years and then took a break to write my book. I have my sh*t relatively together, I'd say. I wouldn't have accomplished all those things if I was just some immature fu*kup. He, on the other hand, lives on coffee and cigarettes so he can tour 8 months out of the year. When I met him, he was 6'2" and 135 lbs. By the time he dumped me, he was down to 125 lbs. I could feel his spine when I touched his belly. I could feel his teeth when I touched his face. His hair was falling out, largely from malnutrition. Because he JUST COULDN'T STOP PLAYING MUSIC. He dumped two of his past gfs because they weren't good enough fiddle players for him, but then told me he just felt that the love of his life, whoever she was, was an old-time fiddle player. This is one of the things he said to me the day he dumped me. He would sometimes tell me he couldn't spend the night with me because he hadn't slept with his bass in several days. He would sleep with his bass on the pillow next to him, his banjo at the foot of the bed, and his guitar right beside him on the floor so it would be the first thing he saw when he got out of bed in the morning. Once he said to me, "If the bass could f*ck me back, you'd be outta luck." Feel free to tell me who needs to mature. Wanna revisit that?
D-Lish Posted June 16, 2008 Posted June 16, 2008 So.... he ignores you for 10 months after dumping you brutally and then just calls out of the blue to say he was doing some catching up with old pals and you were first on his list??? NO-WAY. You did the right thing.
Author sedgwick Posted June 16, 2008 Author Posted June 16, 2008 THANK YOU, D-Lish. It really sucks to come here and be told he left me because I was nuts, and it was all my fault, and I should have been buddy-buddy with him when he called me 10 months after dumping me for not having the exact same career as him, and offered no acknowledgment at all that he might have, maybe just maybe, hurt me. Gawdess, do you want to know what I've done in the past year I've been trying to get over him? I raised almost $10k on my own to make a documentary film about adolescent girls in residential psychiatric treatment facilities. One of the ways I have dealt with this breakup is by working hard to figure out what I could do for others, to make their lives better, and one of the things I came up with was that I could teach girls with severe eating disorders and self-mutilation issues to shoot film and write their own stories for my next book. I just came back from LA, where I set up three meetings with inpatient eating disorders facilities to discuss participation in the film. But if you need to think I'm an immature fu*kup and that he's in the right, go for it. At least I don't tell my SO I can't sleep with her while I'm in town because I need to sleep with my bass instead, and that if I could fu*k my bass I wouldn't need her. Carrot, I sound bored? Really? How? It feels like my life is a whirlwind of awesome projects. Sure I'm in love with someone I can't have, but I don't feel bored. I feel lucky to have so many things to work on about which I feel passionate.
carrotgirl Posted June 16, 2008 Posted June 16, 2008 Carrot, I sound bored? Really? How? It feels like my life is a whirlwind of awesome projects. Sure I'm in love with someone I can't have, but I don't feel bored. I feel lucky to have so many things to work on about which I feel passionate. Well shoot! I want to hear about that stuff! Sounds amazing! Carrot
Author sedgwick Posted June 16, 2008 Author Posted June 16, 2008 Well shoot! I want to hear about that stuff! Sounds amazing! I thought I'd written about it a lot! Book, dance, film, knitting/crochet. You didn't know I did all that stuff?
northstar1 Posted June 16, 2008 Posted June 16, 2008 I thought I'd written about it a lot! Book, dance, film, knitting/crochet. You didn't know I did all that stuff? You sound pretty awesome to me. His loss untimately - you just can't maybe see it that way right now.
XxBacktoBlackXx Posted June 16, 2008 Posted June 16, 2008 He would sometimes tell me he couldn't spend the night with me because he hadn't slept with his bass in several days. He would sleep with his bass on the pillow next to him, his banjo at the foot of the bed, and his guitar right beside him on the floor so it would be the first thing he saw when he got out of bed in the morning. Once he said to me, "If the bass could f*ck me back, you'd be outta luck." WTF? I have read your posts and from what I've read, I've always gathered that your EX had severe issues but this takes the f**king cake! He actually wouldn't spend the night with you because he had to SLEEP WITH HIS BASS??? There are no words for this! It's absolutely mind-boggling to me. I knew he was obsessed with music but he needs serious help which he obviously doesn't realize. I can't imagine being that obsessed with ANYTHING and I have tons of interests. I'm seriously...shocked. What did you say when he did this?? I am shell shocked that someone actually does this...well, I've read Hendrix would sleep with his guitar but that's HENDRIX. He sounds like a one-dimensional person that cums himself over the thought of anything musical...but can't get a hard on for anything else (if you don't mind my imagery). I mean, I know you've said that you had great conversations, but I imagine these must have been limited. Since he was so consumed in music, I imagine his grasps on other subjects were not completely there. Did he have any idea what was going on in the political landscape? Does he even get a chance to read? Does he have any grasp on current affairs? It seems he musters all of his energy for one thing and that he must be a complete bore in certain areas.
Author sedgwick Posted June 16, 2008 Author Posted June 16, 2008 He sounds like a one-dimensional person that cums himself over the thought of anything musical...but can't get a hard on for anything else (if you don't mind my imagery). I mean, I know you've said that you had great conversations, but I imagine these must have been limited. Since he was so consumed in music, I imagine his grasps on other subjects were not completely there. Did he have any idea what was going on in the political landscape? Does he even get a chance to read? Does he have any grasp on current affairs? It seems he musters all of his energy for one thing and that he must be a complete bore in certain areas. He did read occasionally -- I lent him a couple of books during our time together, though, and he never read them. He did, however, read mine, and he loved it, which I really appreciated. Most of our conversations were about music, which I didn't mind because I am, after all, a music-obsessed dancer. We had many, many conversations about the similarities between the improvisational style of old-time music and tribal bellydance. He never really talked about specific political issues, but he is a big tree-huggin' liberal like I am. We never really talked about current affairs, it was more about the five different recordings of "Cripple Creek" made by various musicians in Arkansas and Alabama in 1932, all of which he could instantly play for me on his 80-gig iPod filled exclusively with music made prior to 1940. (He also had two hard drives filled with more playlists of the same.) Once he took me to visit a friend of his and the friend had a lot of books on his bookshelf that I happened to love. He (the friend) and I got into a big long conversation about literature and Joe never said anything. I'm a huge film freak and he couldn't talk about film either, as he hadn't really seen anything. I gave him a major film education in the time we were together. I tried, I really did. Oh well. Ultimately I just wasn't a bass.
Lishy Posted June 16, 2008 Posted June 16, 2008 Sedge, I do not have any advice as you handled this the best way for you. You have already recieved great comments (and some crappy ones, but hey ho this is LS lol) I am in shock that he called!!! I never expected that as you were so adamant that he would never contact you again! You will be on a roller coaster of emotions for a while but I am sure this will make you stronger. At least you know that he is still the prick he was back then! You will be ok!
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