OWoman Posted June 16, 2008 Posted June 16, 2008 You'd have to be one smart smug SOB to pull that off! You've obviously never sat through a boring meeting if you think that's a big deal! Not everyone with their hands in their pockets is playing marbles...
Author cw2 Posted June 17, 2008 Author Posted June 17, 2008 Please click one of the Quick Reply icons in the posts above to activate Quick Reply.
Author cw2 Posted June 17, 2008 Author Posted June 17, 2008 I did not mean to say those hurtful things to u. I am just really having a hard time right now and in no way am i trolling. This is hurtful and I am feeling so helpless that it is driving me crazy. I dont know what am going to do, but again I want to say that I am sorry.
OWoman Posted June 17, 2008 Posted June 17, 2008 I did not mean to say those hurtful things to u. I am just really having a hard time right now and in no way am i trolling. This is hurtful and I am feeling so helpless that it is driving me crazy. I dont know what am going to do, but again I want to say that I am sorry. Hey cw2, no need to apologise. But I do worry at your confusion and the way you're seeming to be pulling in two (or more) different directions on this. I think there are many things you need clarity on before you find stuff just happening to you - you need to be clear on what it is you want, and how best to get there, so that you can move towards that rather than just responding to whatever happens to you. If you want to stay with your H - and he wants to stay with you, which at this stage is uncertain - you need to be prepared for many changes in your M, and hard work through MC. If you accept that your M is over, and you want to split, you need to protect yourself and your kids by preparing before it all hits the fan. Right now you're sending very mixed messages about what it is you actually want, which signals to me that you're not really sure yourself. I really would advise IC. The advice you get here will be all over the show, and will confuse you more and more. You need to chat to a professional who can ask you the right questions and get to the answers so that you can plan your way ahead. With or without your H. But either way, to make sure you and your children are OK into the future. Good luck
BrooklynBridge Posted June 17, 2008 Posted June 17, 2008 You've obviously never sat through a boring meeting if you think that's a big deal! Not everyone with their hands in their pockets is playing marbles... Hell yea!! I can write flawless emails from my blackberry in my pocket during meetings!! As far as this thread goes, I got nothing.
Lucky_One Posted June 17, 2008 Posted June 17, 2008 I did not mean to say those hurtful things to u. I am just really having a hard time right now and in no way am i trolling. This is hurtful and I am feeling so helpless that it is driving me crazy. I dont know what am going to do, but again I want to say that I am sorry. You can only feel helpless about things that are not in your control. You CAN control a lot of issues in your life right now. You can stop throwing things. You can stop telling him that you will not give him a divorce, bc that is silly; he doesn't need your permission. You can stop harassing his OW. You can stop dragging your children into this dead marriage. You can stop calling him names at therapy. You can stop acting like a deadbeat sit-on-your-ass mom who wants to quit work, to take your H for what he is worth, and to get pregnant so that he owes you more child support. He won't call you trifling if you don't act trifling. Face it. He didn't want to marry you in the first place. You weren't Miss Right - you were Miss Right Now. He has loved someone for years, has tried to make your marriage work, and has moved on emotionally. You had a lot of questions that have pretty easy answers. He's on vacation bc a lot of the plans were probably already paid for, he wants his kids to have a good time, and he wants to get away and have a vacation. He's in counseling bc he wants the MC to tell you that the marriage is over and you will see that he is done all he can to work on the marriage in the first place. He's NOT in NC with his OW during vacation. He is still living at home bc he doesn't want to be charged with abandonment if he moves out before he sees a lawyer or has some sort of agreements in place. He is still living at home bc he owns the house and wants to make sure that the mortgage is paid and doesn't want to pay double rent until he gets this other house purchased for his OW and he can move in there with her. Your best bet for future friendliness is to let him leave gracefully, and to be a real parent to your children and protect and nurture them instead of acting like a deranged teenager. Good luck!
jmargel Posted June 17, 2008 Posted June 17, 2008 CW, I know you are in alot of pain and you don't know where to direct it. Directing it at him is not going to help anything. You can't make a person 'want' you or 'love' you even if you are married to that person. Did he do this because of you? No. He did this because he is a very selfish person and dragged you through the mud when he really wanted to be with someone else. For someone with a Ph. D, he sure acts very immature and selfish. He is not standing upto what his credentials taught him. He has made his intentions pretty clear on what he wants. He is not leaving the marriage (yet) only because he's using you as a safety net. Fiancial reasons along with a place he can call 'home' until this OW wants to move to the next step with him. My question to you is, what are you getting out of this marriage? What have you been getting? Sounds like you are willing to compromise everything to stay married to an unfaithful and emotionally abusive man. You two may had a history together, but that's all it is. It's a tainted one at that. We know you feel rejected and hurt, but you need to focus on resolution and finding healthier ways to recover from this. Don't put your own self-worth in this.
Author cw2 Posted June 21, 2008 Author Posted June 21, 2008 I feel as if I have been beat up hear but that doenst mean that Im not listening. We got back from our vacation yesturday and I was in my husband ass the whole time we were on vacation.This woman talks to my husband everyday and I wanted her to know that during our vacation that she is not running everything. He has a wife and kids. I wonder how it felt for her to know that he could not talk to her like he normally do, now she knows how i feel on a daily basis because I know he talks to her everyday and i cant control that, but I was able to control that while we were on vacation. He got a call while we were on vacation and he got up to go on the balcony and I followed him and he was talking to someone and he said that, "well, im on vacation right now and he said something like; i dont know what u r talking about and nothing has changed." I assume it was her. He sounded cold but he did not get off the phone for another 30 minutes. Now, here we are back home and he is on the computer non stop and he left the house several times and he is upset. I mean real upset. I asked him was She mad at him for not being at her beck and call and he just looked at me and walked away. He keep making phone calls on his phone and he is looking more and more pissed. What is going on? Please dont call me stupid.
smoothrider Posted June 21, 2008 Posted June 21, 2008 CW I feel for you in so many ways. Although you give off a certain vibe in your post I imagine in person you are completely different I just feel you have a hard time explaining to us exactly why your still with this man. Look I've noticed some men out there especially the "intelligent" men tend to have this need to pass on their genes with someone they found worthy, it's possible he never found you worthy, and it's possible your childen while he loves them never lived up to his expectations of carrying on his genes hence his obsession with this woman she was worthy and he would have a child with her worthy to be his true legacy. That's not trying to be mean that's just how I see it. At the moment he has some shared love enough to barely stick around you and the kids but in reality he can not wait to be with her and his new child the true family he's always wanted. I think this man is scum, and I think you really need to get a piece of paper write down everything he's done hell call your mother and talk to her about it and ask yourself why exactly would I want to keep a man like this? Why do I want my children to have a selfish father figure like this around who doesn't respect them or their mother at all. He doesn't like you. He doesn't respect you and probably never has. Look you need to think of yourself and the children now. As someone said you need to file for divorce and make sure you get a good chunk of his money for child support and the house. You need to give up this idea that he's going to come through and realise what he may lose or this idea that just because you have children you must keep this happy family unit NEWSFLASH your unit ended he second he went out of his way to impregnate his angel. Have no mercy, make this man suffer financially, then after the divorce and settlements focus on your children and when the time is right find a man that actually loves and respects you for you. Regardless of education and other crap that's trivial. Good Luck
pelicanpreacher Posted June 21, 2008 Posted June 21, 2008 I apologize if my post came across harshly. My only intention was to get your to reflect on some of the reasons your marriage is in the state you currently find it. As for the new developments, I'd say that your strategy for enhanced vigilance during your vacation may have thrown a temporary wave of discontent between your hushand and his OW. You readily admit, however, that he still has ample opportunity to communicate with his OW so the brief reprieve you obtained against her intrusion into your marriage has been lifted now that you're back to everyday life. I would suggest that you sit your husband down and have a deeply meaningful talk about what he wants and expects of you in his new future relationship with the OW. DO NOT INTERRUPT HIM BUT INSTEAD, LET HIM GET IT ALL OUT...ALLOW HIM TO VENT HIMSELF COMPLETELY. When he's finished do not engage him with conversation to provide him with answers on your perspective on this subject no matter how hard or how long he presses you. Remind him that he's had far more time to contemplate his actions and feelings on this situation than you so he must give you time to digest your thoughts and emotions before you can converse any farther on the matter. Come back to the board when you're ready with all he's laid out so that you can assimilate the varied responses that you get into your own natural reaction and thus temper your own reaction to him with the the broader perspective you'll hopefully acquire from other posters. You need the growth of a fully actualized adult to handle this crisis in your life and your quest to get answers here and everywhere else is testament to the fact that you realize that you need help for a problem that seems beyond your scope. Come what may...never let'm see you sweat! In the meantime here's a little ditty for you http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=2ovDAF-VTPg to pick up your spirits!
awkward Posted June 24, 2008 Posted June 24, 2008 How strange would it be if the OW was posting about her side of this experience in the OM/OW forum? There is a story that is eerily similar to this over there.
porter218 Posted June 24, 2008 Posted June 24, 2008 yes, awkward I was just telling that OW you are referring to that I thought she is the other half of this story. cw2 you should read this post and see if it is the other end of your story...If not it will still help you get a clear picture of what is going on on the other side of what you are dealing with. http://www.loveshack.org/forums/t156211/
InLimbo2 Posted June 29, 2008 Posted June 29, 2008 I'm so glad someone finally said it! I'm only a couple pages into this thread and I thought the same thing. Honestly, not big on liars and cheaters - had a few in my life in the past - but goodness - sure can't nail this guy to a cross - I'd have left her way long ago. I initially had some sympathy for you but after reading the rest of your posts I can't see why he'd want to be with you either.
Lucky_One Posted July 4, 2008 Posted July 4, 2008 yes, awkward I was just telling that OW you are referring to that I thought she is the other half of this story. cw2 you should read this post and see if it is the other end of your story...If not it will still help you get a clear picture of what is going on on the other side of what you are dealing with. http://www.loveshack.org/forums/t156211/ Whole thing sounds like bull**** to me. Amazing how two totally different women posters can have such identical posting styles....
OWoman Posted July 5, 2008 Posted July 5, 2008 Whole thing sounds like bull**** to me. Amazing how two totally different women posters can have such identical posting styles.... Interesting that the thread that got sympathetic responses was the one that continued, but the two where there was some critical input, well, that poster vanished.
porter218 Posted July 5, 2008 Posted July 5, 2008 Whole thing sounds like bull**** to me. Amazing how two totally different women posters can have such identical posting styles.... No, I just analyzed both threads and there styles are completely different. I went through and compared both beginning posts then compared all responses they made, they don't match up at all. I came back over here because OWoman was saying she thought the same thing, so I had to make sure for myself. here are the differences Grumpy usually headlines her posts, and cw2 doesn't cw2 doesn't capitalize all her sentences, Grumpy does grumpy's responses are more thought out and directed to us, cw2 seems to just want to vent..she isn't really directing her post to the people of LS
OWoman Posted July 6, 2008 Posted July 6, 2008 No, I just analyzed both threads and there styles are completely different. I went through and compared both beginning posts then compared all responses they made, they don't match up at all. I came back over here because OWoman was saying she thought the same thing, so I had to make sure for myself. here are the differences Grumpy usually headlines her posts, and cw2 doesn't cw2 doesn't capitalize all her sentences, Grumpy does grumpy's responses are more thought out and directed to us, cw2 seems to just want to vent..she isn't really directing her post to the people of LS Those are pretty mechanical and easy to fake if one sets out deliberately to construct two personae online. Those are easy markers to sustain over time and under pressure. When I check student work for plagiarism - as is necessary in my discipline - I look for more subtle indicators of style: tone, language usage, sentence construction, vocabulary level, level of cognitive competence / comfort, haptic or idiosyncratic markers, and the kind of linguistic "fingerprints" that render the authorial voice authentic or not. It's not that big a deal in my life that I'm willing to spend the time going through all these posts to list these, as well as the other "flags" such as inconsistencies of content or persona, "coincidences", etc and I don't doubt the the poster/s has some need being met by posting here so don't begrudge him / her that. And if someone's willing to play along, good for them!
Ally Boo Posted July 7, 2008 Posted July 7, 2008 This really does suck for you. I'm not downplaying that. It just seems like you are desperately trying to control a situation in which it has been clearly stated you have no control over-by his actions. Even if he filed for divorce today and you were to contest it, do you think it would make that much of a difference? Do you think a judge would force him to stay married to you just because you won't give up? I hate to tell you, sister, but if he went to all of the trouble just to look her up, he didn't have enough interest invested in the relationship with you to even feel guilty about it. Why are you working so hard to try to control this man? And on top of this, your saying you don't want to go to school, but will for him- just displays that you are somewhat desperate to stay in this hellish situation. It makes no sense to me.
Angel1111 Posted July 9, 2008 Posted July 9, 2008 I'm just curious as to why he'd have to hire a PI if they never stopped talking in the first place. The reason he is agreeing to counselling is to get you to accept that the marriage is over. I have to ask, what are you clinging to? You say the two of you didn't talk for 2 yrs??? That's amazing. I'm inclined to agree with your husband that you're more in love with your lifestyle than with him, because no one would put up with being humiliated to this degree. Walk away before you have no dignity left at all.
jon01 Posted July 9, 2008 Posted July 9, 2008 She isn't the issue in your marriage. He didn't seek her out until recently, but you guys have had problems for at least 2 yrs most likely much more. It doesn't matter... her husband has committed a serious adultery and his actions are just horrible and demented. This is a major problem in her marriage NOW. Unless a guy like that breaks down and begs for forgiveness, and begs his wife not to leave him, he is garbage and not worth it. He is lucky OP doesn't have some crazy brothers or father, who would take matters into their own hands. All of his PH.d and education didn't teach him anything about being a decent man.
jon01 Posted July 9, 2008 Posted July 9, 2008 Never ever ever get pregnant to keep a man..HUGE mistake. You guys are always going to be family, this is why no matter what you need to handle this situation with maturity. Your M is very likely headed to D, just try to do it peacefully. My grandmother went through something very similar with my grandfather. He had an A with a woman in South America and got her pregnant. My grandmother packed up their 5 kids and left him, and he moved the OW up to live with him. However she could see past her anger enough to realize this baby was family regardless of how it happened. Now that baby is my Aunt and our whole family loves her very much, I would never want to be with out her around at family get togethers. Understandably my grandmother never liked or accepted the OW, but the baby has nothing to do with that. Basically I am saying calm down and really see this situation for what it is. Your H to some degree loves another woman, he is having a baby, and you are very likely faced with a divorce soon. LOL! It took your family line many decades to learn and live with this, and you want her to form some kind of bond and sympathy with this woman today?!
Angel1111 Posted July 9, 2008 Posted July 9, 2008 This pervasive attitude of staying in a marriage at all costs just floors me. Seriously.
porter218 Posted July 12, 2008 Posted July 12, 2008 LOL! It took your family line many decades to learn and live with this, and you want her to form some kind of bond and sympathy with this woman today?! It didn't take my family any time to accept the baby. My grandmother made sure to raise her kids with the OWs child. My Aunt was never made to pay for her parents mistake. I said nothing about sympathy for the OW. I am saying for this child who is the sibling to her children...Instead of trying to ban her H from involvement with his own child. If a child was born out of my Hs affair I would have accepted it and made sure my son had a chance to get to know that child because they would be family. Children are innocent and shouldn't be penalized for stupid adult mistakes.
jon01 Posted July 12, 2008 Posted July 12, 2008 It didn't take my family any time to accept the baby. My grandmother made sure to raise her kids with the OWs child. My Aunt was never made to pay for her parents mistake. I said nothing about sympathy for the OW. I am saying for this child who is the sibling to her children...Instead of trying to ban her H from involvement with his own child. If a child was born out of my Hs affair I would have accepted it and made sure my son had a chance to get to know that child because they would be family. Children are innocent and shouldn't be penalized for stupid adult mistakes. Ya ok I'd like to see if your husband one day got another woman pregnant, how fast you would accept the new baby. You talk as if it's so easy, maybe you think real life is just a Hollywood romantic comedy.
NoIDidn't Posted July 12, 2008 Posted July 12, 2008 If a child was born out of my Hs affair I would have accepted it and made sure my son had a chance to get to know that child because they would be family. Children are innocent and shouldn't be penalized for stupid adult mistakes. You're a good one. I wouldn't. Even with my family history, I still wouldn't. It really depends. This is where my language will get ethnic. Contact with a child born to my H by an OW depends on the educational and economic status of the OW. Honestly. Sad but true and I hate to admit it. My biggest problem with contact with the child and my kids is that my kids may feel like they are being punished to accept their father's mistake. So its not exactly fair to subject my kids to a sibling they never wanted (if that's, in fact, the case) all to make the OW's kid feel innocent. You know, what about my kids? I agree that children are certainly innocent, but how they come into this world will matter some initially (give it a couple of years, that is). A child born into an affair doesn't merit extra special handling just so we don't make them feel like what they are by many people affected by the EMA - unwanted. What really makes the least amount of sense to me is that some OWs expect the MM to leave an already established family to start one with her. I wonder if the same OW will allow the MM to leave the family he starts with her for yet another family? The claim is that the BW tries to trap her H by getting pregnant. What exactly would the OW be said to be doing then? Hmmmm?? MM that get the OW pregnant should be neutered!!!! They cause too many complications in a situation that is already rife with them.
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