Husband intentionally got woman pregnant

[Leia]

Why did you guys get married in the first place??

 

Your husband may be a snake... ok, he is but he's right about one thing. If you want to go back to school, do it for you and NOT for anyone else.

[cw2]

Why did you guys get married in the first place??

 

Your husband may be a snake... ok, he is but he's right about one thing. If you want to go back to school, do it for you and NOT for anyone else.

 

We were together for 6 years and had been living together for six years and once I had our second child I wanted to get married. I gave him an ultimatium and when he wouldnt marry me I left him for someone else. He did everything in his power to get me back and we got married a year later. The way he proposed to me was ridiculous. He put the ring under the xmas tree. He didnt even ask me to marry him. Well whats done is done. He had the nerve to bring up that I cheated and I told him that was before we got married. When I found out he was cheating I called the woman. I just thought it was some tramp. When she would not tell me who she was or her name and I realized she was from the east coast, like a flash I remember the woman he Loved before we got together. He was hurting over her then, how this came back around i have no idea.

[MichelleS1983]

What is WRONG with you, involving your kids in this ridiculously DYSFUNCTIONAL marriage of yours by telling them yours and your H's business, and how daddy's going to leave them? You don't go telling your kids what your loser husband has done - that's ADULT business. Grow up! Stop using your kids to make a man stay with you. That is PATHETIC.

 

First and foremost, if this pathetic excuse for a man is so ignorant and irresponsible that he knocked up some woman he hasn't seen in 14 years, then he's an IDIOT. A complete and utter IDIOT.

 

Secondly, the LAST thing you need to do is get pregnant AGAIN. You honestly sound like you're 18 years old.

 

Lastly, if you were SMART, you'd legally separate from this parasite and get the LION'S SHARE of child support before his little knocked-up mistress files first and gets a HUGE CHUNK of Mr. PhD's salary which DIRECTLY AFFECTS YOU AND YOUR KIDS.

 

Go ahead and keep playing childish games, telling your husband you 'refuse' to divorce him. Go ahead and keep sharing painfully PRIVATE adult information with your little kids. Go ahead and STAY in denial thinking that yet another pregnancy is going to magically make this disgusting mess A-OK. And when Miss Thang files for child support and you're watching a TON of your husband's salary go to the illegitimate kid this loser felt the need to create, don't do crying to everyone when you can no longer afford the lifestyle you're so accustomed to.

[cw2]

What is WRONG with you, involving your kids in this ridiculously DYSFUNCTIONAL marriage of yours by telling them yours and your H's business, and how daddy's going to leave them? You don't go telling your kids what your loser husband has done - that's ADULT business. Grow up! Stop using your kids to make a man stay with you. That is PATHETIC.

 

First and foremost, if this pathetic excuse for a man is so ignorant and irresponsible that he knocked up some woman he hasn't seen in 14 years, then he's an IDIOT. A complete and utter IDIOT.

Secondly, the LAST thing you need to do is get pregnant AGAIN. You honestly sound like you're 18 years old.

 

Lastly, if you were SMART, you'd legally separate from this parasite and get the LION'S SHARE of child support before his little knocked-up mistress files first and gets a HUGE CHUNK of Mr. PhD's salary which DIRECTLY AFFECTS YOU AND YOUR KIDS.

 

Go ahead and keep playing childish games, telling your husband you 'refuse' to divorce him. Go ahead and keep sharing painfully PRIVATE adult information with your little kids. Go ahead and STAY in denial thinking that yet another pregnancy is going to magically make this disgusting mess A-OK. And when Miss Thang files for child support and you're watching a TON of your husband's salary go to the illegitimate kid this loser felt the need to create, don't do crying to everyone when you can no longer afford the lifestyle you're so accustomed to.

 

I always wanted another child and I dont want to have different fathers for my kids. I wanted another child and he said he did not want anymore kids but he goes and get this woman pregnant. Well if i get pregnant he wont be able to just up and go that will be more child support he will have to pay.

We have been on vacation for a couple of days and I know he is not talking to her at all. He has not left my sight at all. I still have some clout. I know she has to be pist. Isnt this letting her know that she does not have him wrapped around her finger. And i bet she does not know he is on vacation with us we will not be back for a whole week. why would he go on a family vacation if he does not want to be with his family and she is stupid because what is she going to think when he doesnt call her?

[whichwayisup]

To be honest, I think you could really benefit to go to counselling on your own. To get pregnant to try to save your marriage or trap your husband isn't fair. A baby WILL NOT fix this, only you and your husband can by doing marriage counselling - That is, if you both want to save the marriage.

[cw2]

To be honest, I think you could really benefit to go to counselling on your own. To get pregnant to try to save your marriage or trap your husband isn't fair. A baby WILL NOT fix this, only you and your husband can by doing marriage counselling - That is, if you both want to save the marriage.

 

Thats just it we have been getting marriage counseling. When I found out the woman was pregnant and I hit the roof he agreed to go get counseling. The counselor said that it appears if our marriage is over. But, why would he go to counseling if he is going to leave use. Please give me advice on this. Why go to counseling?

[Lizzie60]

Thats just it we have been getting marriage counseling. When I found out the woman was pregnant and I hit the roof he agreed to go get counseling. The counselor said that it appears if our marriage is over. But, why would he go to counseling if he is going to leave use. Please give me advice on this. Why go to counseling?

 

Your story is quite unbelievable..

 

Maybe he wants to go counselling because he needs some advices to deal with the OW.. not necessarily you..

 

I read bits and pieces of your thread.. and I think he's done with you.. and wants the OW.. my bet is that he will go counselling not to fix his marriage but to secure his A...

[whichwayisup]

But, why would he go to counseling if he is going to leave use. Please give me advice on this. Why go to counseling?

 

I can only guess here, but it could be afew reasons - 1) To make sure you both have a solid co-parent friendship because of the kids and 2) To make the transition easier on you.

 

This woman IS having his baby, that isn't going to go away. That baby has a right to know his/her father as well as have $$ from your husband. Who knows the real status of their 'friendship' right now...But, from what I've read on your thread it seems like they've held a piece of their hearts for eachother and reconnecting again has brought out feelings from the past.

 

Ask this stuff IN counselling, maybe the counsellor will help solve this issue in the sense of why's how's etc..

[cw2]

I can only guess here, but it could be afew reasons - 1) To make sure you both have a solid co-parent friendship because of the kids and 2) To make the transition easier on you.

During counseling he said that he could not tell her what to do. I have been so mad that in the MC sessions i am calling him every damn name i can think of. This is just a lot for anyone to take. this story is unbelievable, but I assure you this is the truth and it is happening to me. He said that i need to get counseling for myself as if he does not need counseling.

[OWoman]

We are going on vacation with the kids this week. Are these the actions of a man who is planning to leave his wife?

 

Quite possibly. There are several stories on these boards which document that.

 

We have been on vacation for a couple of days and I know he is not talking to her at all. He has not left my sight at all. I still have some clout. I know she has to be pist. Isnt this letting her know that she does not have him wrapped around her finger. And i bet she does not know he is on vacation with us we will not be back for a whole week.

 

Perhaps she's not that clingy or desperate that she needs to know where he is every second of the day? Plus, don't count on your certainty that he hasn't communicated with her at all. I've seen guys with their hands in their pockets texting while they're smiling blandly at the person in front of them who's talking away unawares. If he wants to get hold of her, he will. And you will have no way of knowing, unless he doesn't care if you find out or not.

 

why would he go on a family vacation if he does not want to be with his family?

 

Perhaps he wants to be with his "family" (ie kids)? Or maybe he just wants to protect them against this kind of behaviour:

 

I would not let this go and I was throwing things and things were escalating and then I told the kids that their father was leaving us

 

Even if you don't want to go back to study, you might want to watch a little less Jerry Springer.

 

 

But, why would he go to counseling if he is going to leave use. Please give me advice on this. Why go to counseling?

 

Because:

 

The counselor said that it appears if our marriage is over.

 

and:

 

When we went to the counseling session and I was venting and the MC had the nerve to say that if I want to be a stay at home wife and that is not what he want I need to find someone who have the same values as I do and she said that she thought our marriage was over. I hit the roof. He just sit there and say nothing.

 

He wants you to hear from some objective third party that your expectations are unreasonable given your values mismatch, and that your marriage is over.

 

Marriage counselling is not about papering over the cracks and making it work at all costs. It's about finding out what the best way forward is - together or apart - and trying to forge a constructive way toward that. Hopefully, one that doesn't involve throwing things and getting hysterical and frightening the children.

[cw2]

sounds like you were a 14 year diversion until he got what he really wanted.I would bet money, he was in contact with her for the entire time, not just the last four months. Time to pack your marbles and move on.

 

I was snooping through his things a couple of months ago and I saw the letter from a PI stating that they had "found" her and they sent a letter to her asking her if she wanted to be contacted by him. they told him in the letter it was up to her. that is how i basically found out. When i confronted him about it he did admit that he had contacted her that she did not contact him and i asked him if she loved him so much why did she not try to find him? I dont believe that she loves him she is just after the success he is starting to have and the bastard had the nerve to tell me that she has her Master's degree. And when they were together neither one of them and **** just each other. And when he was with her it was the happiest time in his life!

[OWoman]

You seem to be losing the plot a little. Here you state:

 

I dont believe that she loves him she is just after the success he is starting to have and the bastard had the nerve to tell me that she has her Master's degree.

 

and yet your opening post said:

 

He found her and she too has her doctorate and is successful.

 

So in the last couple of hours she lost her doctorate? And her success?

 

But at least not her marbles

 

There are also some discrepancies between things you're saying on this thread, and on your other one under "separation and divorce". If you really are that confused and this isn't a bad trolling attempt, you ought to get counselling.

[cw2]

You seem to be losing the plot a little. Here you state:

 

 

 

and yet your opening post said:

 

 

 

So in the last couple of hours she lost her doctorate? And her success?

 

But at least not her marbles

 

There are also some discrepancies between things you're saying on this thread, and on your other one under "separation and divorce". If you really are that confused and this isn't a bad trolling attempt, you ought to get counselling.

 

She has her masters degree and yes my husband is starting to have success and yes even if a woman has her masters degree she can still want a man who is successful. if she loved him so much then she could have found him. and as far as me saying that he couldnot leave yes I said it and yes i told him if he wants to divorce me then do it. But he didnot do it. Yes i was taking a gamble when i told him to leave and not i didnot mean it. but if he loves this woman so much why when i told him to leave he didnt and yes after we had a arguement he said he was going to go stay with his mother for a couple of days I freak and asked him not to leave. So, i guess he called my bluff and i lost. if u were in my situation you too would be going crazy. What is a "trolling attempt"

[cw2]

she doesnt have her doctorate she is working on her doctorate. look i came to this site for help, i dont know u and you dont know me because something does not sound right to you does not mean it is not. I have no need to lie to strangers!

[tinktronik]

Honestly , I don't find this story unbelievable in the least. I had a husband who got several girls pregnant during our marriage ; all had abortions saving the last. He also brought other women home to our house with our kids there and me there. So I don't find much in a marriage unbelievable.

As to advice , get an attorney and take him for every penny you can get . There is no reason to allow him to just behave however he wants and also give him the benefit of having his family, you and another woman and his other family. Screw that . If your H is willing to behave this way , towards the mother of his children, divorce him and don't do it nicely. Get everything you can on your children's behalf.

[cw2]

the reason this went to two threads is if you can see I just joined this site yesturday and i posted this twice in two seperate threads this was a mistake and when people started to respond to both i started to respond to both. Does this satisfy you and your conspiracy theory?

[cw2]

You seem to be losing the plot a little. Here you state:

 

 

 

and yet your opening post said:

 

 

 

So in the last couple of hours she lost her doctorate? And her success?

 

But at least not her marbles

 

oh so your the other woman no wonder you dont find this believeable let me guess ur man stayed with his wife is that why u are so on her side? You want him to leave because maybe that mean ur man will leave his wife? most men dont leave their wives and neither will My husband.

[porter218]

Don't put your foot in your mouth CW2. Owoman has a lot of good advice, it is good for you to hear from people who have been on all sides of these situations. Don't come here only to expect people to praise how "right" you are and how "wrong" he is. You guys are both dead wrong, you and your H. Snap out of it he is leaving you, maybe soon maybe in a couple years...but your M is as toxic as they come. Don't be so high and mighty about this, I am an excellent judge of people...and I promise your H wants to leave he just hasn't figured out how to go about the details. He DOES love his OW. One of the biggest mistakes you can make in a M is thinking "I know he loves me and he isn't going anywhere"....because you felt this way you never stopped to figure out what was wrong in your M and now it is beyond the point of return. Trapping your H with another baby is EVIL, not to mention it will only make him leave you sooner and hate you more. I don't even understand this logic. More child support will not make him stay, he will still have to shell out more money for another baby with you if he stays in this M.

[Lookingforward]

This whole thing is just so bizarre and toxic

 

how do you know your H intentionally got her pregnant anyway ? if he had to beg her not to get an abortion it seems it wasn't HER intent to become pregnant by your H.

 

I initially had some sympathy for you but after reading the rest of your posts I can't see why he'd want to be with you either.

[tinktronik]

she doesnt have her doctorate she is working on her doctorate. look i came to this site for help, i dont know u and you dont know me because something does not sound right to you does not mean it is not. I have no need to lie to strangers!

 

Just as you should have CW2. If the posters get to be too much for you there is an ignore option.

I understand how stressful the situation can be when you find out about a partners unfaithfulness and how sometimes we behave in ways we would not normally behave. Try to take some time to calm yourself; if it gets too much take a walk and above all else try to clear your mind to think rationally. You need to start thinking of what is best for you and your children b/c your H is no longer working in the best interest of his W or his children, someone has to do it.

[luvstarved]

cw, you mentioned a few times about how your H had tried to talk to you about his feelings and you did not want to hear it in the past. This really wears on a person over time,regardless of anyone or anything else. As other posters pointed out, he had been with you a long time before seeking out the OW, so while it might have been true that he harbored some feelings for her over the years, it seems like he did try to work on things and seems more likely that it was your failure to participate that left him feeling estranged.

 

That is not to say that had you tried harder to hear him that everything would be rosy, it is also possible that he was never going to get over this OW no matter what you did. But you certainly helped move things along in that direction by not talking to him before.

 

Do I think he is an ass to have secretly done all this stuff while staying married to you? Yes. Do I understand how he could have felt frustrated and given up on you emotionally? Yes. Do I think either of you are handling this in a mature manner? No. Do I think that you have a shot at a happy marriage together? No.

 

It's true, counseling is meant to assess situations and figure out the best way to proceed or the best way to cope...I have been in counseling for relationships off and on over the years and have observed that A) they are very reluctant to call a relationship over B) when they do, they are correct.

 

As to why he would stay with you if he loves this other woman, my guess is that he is being selfish and hedging his bets...I think that she has so far refused to make a long term commitment to him and he is waiting to see if she will. I think that he is thinking that if he cannot be with her, then he might as well stay with you and the kids. Which would indicate even more strongly that he loves her. I think that if she called him and said she would move west and would like to get married, he would be all over it.

 

I always feel bad to hear this kind of story and I am sorry for what you are going through...but honestly, I have not heard anything at all in your posts that indicates your real love for your husband or what it is between you as a couple (not co-parents) that is good that you would lose if he left.

[OWoman]

oh so your the other woman no wonder you dont find this believeable

 

I said your story was full of discrepancies - some of which I listed - and contradictions. It is. That signals to me (1) either you are very confused, and you need counselling, or (2) this is a troll post. Since you are saying it is not (2), and you're the one with the information, then I stand by (1). You are very confused, your responses on this thread and your responses on the other thread are increasingly divergent and schizoid. Given the nature of these boards, you will get all kinds of advice which will only serve to increase the confusion and contradictions. I really do think you need counselling. IC, not MC - the MC has served it's purpose (to certify the M DOA) - but you need IC to help you get your head around what it is you actually want and what it is you actually need to do.

 

let me guess ur man stayed with his wife

 

You're wrong.

 

 

is that why u are so on her side? You want him to leave because maybe that mean ur man will leave his wife? most men dont leave their wives and neither will My husband.

 

If you read around here you'll see I'm not in the habit of judging other Rs against my own, or my own against others. I look at each individually. And yours, I'm afraid, based on the information you've provided, is a M in name only. You've said yourself you don't love your husband, only your lifestyle, that you have nothing in common with him, don't share his interests or his values, and that he's been unhappy with you and you've shown no interest in fixing it despite his attempts. This all you've said yourself.

 

The OW on the other hand shares his interests, his success, his intellectual level and makes him happy. This too you've said yourself.

 

It seems to me - as to others here - that should she express any interest in moving west, your confidence that he will never leave you would be proven wrong.

 

I'm not saying I hold out any particular hope for him and the OW - as you say, she could have contacted him in the intervening 14 years but did not; that he was begging her not to abort the foetus shows that she's considered it - and may yet do so. It would seem to me she is less invested in the possibility than he is. But be that as it may, she may yet come around and they may yet land up together.

 

But even if she didn't, the exposure to her may sufficiently remind your H of what life COULD be like with a woman who loved him for himself, not just for what he could provide her; a woman who hared his interests, his values, his ambitions, his intellect, his success, and his dreams. He may yet decided that the insult of being just a bank - sperm bank and money bank - when he is so much more, is too much to suffer, and may leave for the sake of his own self-esteem. For now, he's choosing the comfort of The Devil He Knows. Long term, The Devil he Doesn't Know may well win out.

[Enema]

What is WRONG with you, involving your kids in this ridiculously DYSFUNCTIONAL marriage of yours by telling them yours and your H's business, and how daddy's going to leave them? You don't go telling your kids what your loser husband has done - that's ADULT business. Grow up! Stop using your kids to make a man stay with you. That is PATHETIC.

 

First and foremost, if this pathetic excuse for a man is so ignorant and irresponsible that he knocked up some woman he hasn't seen in 14 years, then he's an IDIOT. A complete and utter IDIOT.

 

Secondly, the LAST thing you need to do is get pregnant AGAIN. You honestly sound like you're 18 years old.

 

Lastly, if you were SMART, you'd legally separate from this parasite and get the LION'S SHARE of child support before his little knocked-up mistress files first and gets a HUGE CHUNK of Mr. PhD's salary which DIRECTLY AFFECTS YOU AND YOUR KIDS.

 

Go ahead and keep playing childish games, telling your husband you 'refuse' to divorce him. Go ahead and keep sharing painfully PRIVATE adult information with your little kids. Go ahead and STAY in denial thinking that yet another pregnancy is going to magically make this disgusting mess A-OK. And when Miss Thang files for child support and you're watching a TON of your husband's salary go to the illegitimate kid this loser felt the need to create, don't do crying to everyone when you can no longer afford the lifestyle you're so accustomed to.

 

Great post, I agree with this in its entirety.

[pelicanpreacher]

 

Perhaps she's not that clingy or desperate that she needs to know where he is every second of the day? Plus, don't count on your certainty that he hasn't communicated with her at all. I've seen guys with their hands in their pockets texting while they're smiling blandly at the person in front of them who's talking away unawares. If he wants to get hold of her, he will. And you will have no way of knowing, unless he doesn't care if you find out or not.

 

You'd have to be one smart smug SOB to pull that off!

 

Honestly , I don't find this story unbelievable in the least. I had a husband who got several girls pregnant during our marriage ; all had abortions saving the last. He also brought other women home to our house with our kids there and me there. So I don't find much in a marriage unbelievable.

As to advice , get an attorney and take him for every penny you can get . There is no reason to allow him to just behave however he wants and also give him the benefit of having his family, you and another woman and his other family. Screw that . If your H is willing to behave this way , towards the mother of his children, divorce him and don't do it nicely. Get everything you can on your children's behalf.

 

Great post, I agree with this in its entirety.

 

You really need to read and reread the advice posted by Tinktronik because failing to heed it jeopardizes the financial standing of your own children.

 

In reading your posts I'm reminded of JMargel's post on "Parent/Child" marriages. Your husband has received his Doctorate yet you have shown little inclination to intellectually grow in your field of interest so he may be harboring resentment toward you for this.

 

Also, you state that you are a "beautiful woman" and, though he recognizes this, is no longer so enthralled by your good looks that he can be cowed into submission. I only bring this up because it seems that you used those good looks to leverage your demands when you issued your ultimatum for marriage. Although he was unsure of your potential as a wife he may have acquiesced to your demands for the sake of his own pride and the threat of an absent relationship with his 2 children. The price he paid for moving too slowly was that you slept with another man which I guarantee has never been forgotten and has caused him to forever harbor resentment as well! (If you don't believe me on this point read some of Twice Shy's posts and you'll understand just how deeply that cut can feel)

 

He has tried to reach out to engage you intellectually on his level several times in the past but you have refused his entreaties time and time again which has spurred his frustration. He's also tried to engage you emotionally many times in the past but has been rejected on that front over and over again as well which has spurred his loneliness. He has thus grown weary of your attitude now so even your "good looks" don't hold sway over his needs to "connect" anymore.

 

You have stated that he doesn't want anymore children with you but begged his OW not to abort his child. This perspective is very telling on how he views a future with you versus how he views one with his OW. He sees in her all the things you refuse to be and so he's shifting his alliances to the other camp. I agree with another poster who stated that he wants you to divorce him and I also agree that he's working out a "master plan" to shed you if you don't! Your notion that "he loves you and will never leave" dangles you out on a very dangerous precipice for you must admit that you haven't talked in 2 years so there is no way for you to know what his true feelings are right now. Time is now your enemy for you're too late to "accelerate the learning curve" into becoming the fully acualized adult woman he's looking for. Name-calling, throwing objects, traumatizing the children, and throwing temper tantrums only helps to "add fuel to the fire" and reinforce his perspective on why he feels a need for his OW and why he won't give her up. The power dynamic has clearly shifted in your marriage and his growing resentments toward you will bring this situation to a head one way or another!

 

At this point you need to care a little less about how your husband feels or the direction he's taking and a lot more about protecting the welfare of your children. You also need to take the time to do some deep introspection into gaining clarity and growth within yourself to accept what is happening and what your costs will be for inaction or making poor choices right now. The past is the past and should of, would of, or could of doesn't put a roof over your head or feed your babies in the future. Again, reread Tinktronik's advice and move with all GOD speed!

[Lookingforward]

Great post, I agree with this in its entirety.

 

yup, have to agree - Mich may come across as a little "harsh" at times but she has a way of cutting straight to the chase doesn't she ?