What do you think, can we be saved, should we be saved?

[General Jack]

Married almost 9 years. We had the best relationship ever initially. Then we got married and slowly, slowly over the years we became less satisfied with each other, grew less and less compatible. She has always been a difficult person (both she and her family admits this), sets a very high bar for herself and others. This is good and bad, helped me to become more successful career-wise than I would have expected, but leaves me walking on egg shells and unhappy quite a bit. We had a beautiful daughter (3 years old now), and we lost the energy to be attentive to each other's needs. I am by nature a laid back person and I have always been pleasant with her and helpful with parenthood and around the house, but admittedly I didn't give my wife the emotional energy she needed. A significant contributor was her constant stress about almost everything (she is admittedly high strung) and that she didn't give me the emotional and physical attention that I needed. I became resentful of her lack of energy for me, particularly sexual, and very upset by her telling me more than once that she just doesn't enjoy sex and never really has.

 

So recently I had an emotional affair with an unresponsive other woman. I also lied to my wife about it, was afraid to tell her the truth because of the hurricane that would ensue. Felt guilty about it... but still didn't tell her. I finally let go of thinking about the other woman... but then my wife found the evidence day before yesterday (emails, text). She is understandably extremely upset about it, has said many extremely resentful things towards me. Left town for her parents, shared my indiscretions with her whole family - as in, read them the emails (basically said that she had awakened me and made me feel ways I hadn't in years, didn't profess my love or anything...).

 

So now I'm sitting here deciding what I should do. Everything I was raised to do would say try to win her back and work it out... but I don't want to proceed with this marriage if we can't both be happy. I made a very bad decision with the emotional affair and lying, but things had brewed for years that enabled it... I would have never done such a thing years ago. I feel like I'm a much worse person than I was when we met, but I know that I have put up with a lot over the years (again, my wife, her family, and our friends all admit she is very difficult), and a lack of physical attention.

 

Can we be successfully and happily married again if I'm not 100% sure thats what I want? I don't know if thats what I want. Some moments it is, some it isn't. I don't know if I can dig myself out of this... if I don't try, I could be making the biggest mistake of my life... or I could be starting the road to a happier life? Finally, my sweet daughter... some say its better for the parents to stay together and work it out... some say to split because a child shouldn't be raised in a household where the parents don't love each other... but maybe we will find that love we used to have again? I do love my wife, but I don't know if ultimately we will be able to make it through this.

 

I would say take some time apart to figure it out... but my wife is very impatient and might just decide to leave for good unless I'm falling all over her feel... but I just don't feel like I can do that... I want to feel like we can really make it and not just run back because I'm scared of them unknown.

 

Thoughts? Anyone been through this? Are there signs here that can help interpret what I should do?

[smartgirl]

Wow Jack, you have had a mindblowing couple of days. You are in shock and so is your wife. I'm not sure what she is thinking now, but you indicate she has control issues and her instinct will probably be to try and take action of some sort so she doesn't feel so helpless.

 

Your wife clearly has personal issues that she needs to deal with as an individual. I venture to guess you do too, because you were obviously attracted to these qualities when they were all focused on you. Your difficulty has been in sharing her attention.

 

I felt like finding out my beloved H of 26 years had been having an affair for almost a year was the most traumatic event of my life. Everything I thought I knew, my total reality and sense of self were thrown into a tailspin. But I knew I still loved him. I knew him as well as myself and I understood how he came to that place. Because of that, I was able to forgive him his failings and work with him to make us both happier.

 

You have to proceed now based on the information you have, not on any guarantees about the future. You know you love her, so start from there.

[angie2443]

Married almost 9 years. We had the best relationship ever initially. Then we got married and slowly, slowly over the years we became less satisfied with each other, grew less and less compatible. She has always been a difficult person (both she and her family admits this), sets a very high bar for herself and others. This is good and bad, helped me to become more successful career-wise than I would have expected, but leaves me walking on egg shells and unhappy quite a bit. We had a beautiful daughter (3 years old now), and we lost the energy to be attentive to each other's needs. I am by nature a laid back person and I have always been pleasant with her and helpful with parenthood and around the house, but admittedly I didn't give my wife the emotional energy she needed. A significant contributor was her constant stress about almost everything (she is admittedly high strung) and that she didn't give me the emotional and physical attention that I needed. I became resentful of her lack of energy for me, particularly sexual, and very upset by her telling me more than once that she just doesn't enjoy sex and never really has.

 

So recently I had an emotional affair with an unresponsive other woman. I also lied to my wife about it, was afraid to tell her the truth because of the hurricane that would ensue. Felt guilty about it... but still didn't tell her. I finally let go of thinking about the other woman... but then my wife found the evidence day before yesterday (emails, text). She is understandably extremely upset about it, has said many extremely resentful things towards me. Left town for her parents, shared my indiscretions with her whole family - as in, read them the emails (basically said that she had awakened me and made me feel ways I hadn't in years, didn't profess my love or anything...).

 

So now I'm sitting here deciding what I should do. Everything I was raised to do would say try to win her back and work it out... but I don't want to proceed with this marriage if we can't both be happy. I made a very bad decision with the emotional affair and lying, but things had brewed for years that enabled it... I would have never done such a thing years ago. I feel like I'm a much worse person than I was when we met, but I know that I have put up with a lot over the years (again, my wife, her family, and our friends all admit she is very difficult), and a lack of physical attention.

 

Can we be successfully and happily married again if I'm not 100% sure thats what I want? I don't know if thats what I want. Some moments it is, some it isn't. I don't know if I can dig myself out of this... if I don't try, I could be making the biggest mistake of my life... or I could be starting the road to a happier life? Finally, my sweet daughter... some say its better for the parents to stay together and work it out... some say to split because a child shouldn't be raised in a household where the parents don't love each other... but maybe we will find that love we used to have again? I do love my wife, but I don't know if ultimately we will be able to make it through this.

 

I would say take some time apart to figure it out... but my wife is very impatient and might just decide to leave for good unless I'm falling all over her feel... but I just don't feel like I can do that... I want to feel like we can really make it and not just run back because I'm scared of them unknown.

 

Thoughts? Anyone been through this? Are there signs here that can help interpret what I should do?

 

 

No, you can not be happily married. You don't seem to take responsibility for your part in the down fall of your marriage. If I remember some of your former post, you seemed to blame your wife back then to. I bolded the parts above because they show a lot of finger pointing at your wife. Sure, I'm sure she has contributed to the problems, but you make her out to be so terrible that no one could live with her. Maybe this is true, and you have a reason to point the finger at her. In that case, it won't work because she has too many issues and is too neurotic to be in a healthy relationship.

 

Yes, children do better in a two parent home if the parent's relationship is at least respectful. In this case, your daughter will do better if you two divorce.

 

Good luck.

[Mr. Lucky]

Wow Jack, you have had a mindblowing couple of days. You are in shock and so is your wife.

I agree and therefore you're not in any kind of shape to be making decisions. Are you and your W talking? MC would benefit you greatly in many ways, if for no other reason than to lay a foundation for civil communication regarding your daughter. You don't need to grovel, simply tell your W you want to discuss your M, its problems and future in a structured setting. As you'll learn, you can't control her response or the outcome so it becomes a wait and see game.

 

Also, I hate to beat you up but this is why these kinds of EA's are so dangerous. Old Chinese saying, 3 people can keep a secret as long as two of them are dead. Add in email and text messages and...well, I guess you know as well as anyone what can happen. Hang in there...

 

Mr. Lucky

[t_veron]

Jack,

 

I'm going to take a wild guess here so sorry if I get it wrong. You probably married your wife because she was more of a mommy to you who took care of everything and all you had to do is show up. She sounds like a perfectionist which means she has issues she needs to deal with from her own childhood and you took advantage and used it to get out of being a man and making your own self a better man and person.

 

That aside, I understand how a woman like that (or man) can be emotionally and physically draining especially after years of making you feel you're not adequate as a man and should have done better. In your defense she's just as wrong and at fault as you because she knew that marrying you and signed up for the job of helping you transform yourself... or as I like to call it nag at you until she fixes you to her liking.

 

Right off the bat you both have issues far beyond what's going on. I think your affair is NOT the problem and if you focus on that you'll end up right back where you started. I think she screwed up ROYALLY by involving her family to the depth she has. That's going to make it almost impossible for you two to fix now because they will only side with her (right or wrong or even to blame) and try to keep you two apart.

 

Best thing you can do is take time apart giving her space and write down the hurt she causes you over the years and why you felt the need to cheat. That won't excuse you because you weren't manly enough to tell her to her face and work things out and figured you'd cheat. However, it will get the ball rolling and at the least let her hear your side. She has a right to know so that she can work on herself as well at some point. Also apologize for being disloyal and dishonest. Tell her you'd like to work things out and if at some point she would as well that you'd like her to reach out to you. Going after her will only draw up more resentment for you because she thinks this was all you and she's been perfect.

 

Chances don't look good but if you really love her (and not just cuz you're losing mommy to take care of you) then you'll give her the space and be patient yet don't back down as a man that there's more to this than cheating. If you two do end up working things out take more of an intiative to help her and she doesn't have to be perfect because you like her as is. Then and only then will you apologize by taking her on a long expensive vacation that she's dreamed of and plan the whole thing out as a start of your new lives together.

 

Of course step one is counselling but concentrate on why she's so impatient or a perfectionist and why you need someone else to motivate you to better yourself. If you concentrate on the cheating and even get passed it I gaurantee there will be a next time and this time it might be her doing the cheating.

 

Good luck buddy, make it happen!

[General Jack]

Thanks for the comments... Just got off a nearly 3 hour phone conversation with my wife. I have apologized many times for my infatuation with the other woman and the associated lying, that was all very wrong and selfish of me to do. I also gently brought up some of the things she has done which made me feel enabled to take part in what I did. Its tough to discuss the underlying factors which led up to this - as I so recently made the big visible mistakes... but from time to time she will admit that she should be more calm and attentive to my needs. Overall, I felt like it was fairly productive, and it ended very civil so that was good...

 

She really is a good person, just a difficult good person. I don't know what's going to happen with us... but I hope it ends up with us happily together. I'm just worried that its going to be an awfully steep mountain to climb.

[t_veron]

I'm just worried that its going to be an awfully steep mountain to climb.

 

 

I love it Jack. I'm glad things are looking good but there will be many ups and downs before it gets stable. One thing I'm not sure of is when you say you had an emotional relationship if sex was involved. If sex was not involved I think you're going to make it. If sex was involved you will have an uphill mountain to climb for sure. Just get used to the idea that this is your FIRST date and you are starting over. If you don't get comfortable too fast and move through things slowly without overly appologizing you will make it. If you keep appologizing you will take the attention off the fact she is a big part of this unhealthy relationship and things will focus back to you. She needs to work out some childhood issues of why she's so critical of herself and those close to her. I'm routing for ya!

[General Jack]

I love it Jack. I'm glad things are looking good but there will be many ups and downs before it gets stable. One thing I'm not sure of is when you say you had an emotional relationship if sex was involved. If sex was not involved I think you're going to make it. If sex was involved you will have an uphill mountain to climb for sure. Just get used to the idea that this is your FIRST date and you are starting over. If you don't get comfortable too fast and move through things slowly without overly appologizing you will make it. If you keep appologizing you will take the attention off the fact she is a big part of this unhealthy relationship and things will focus back to you. She needs to work out some childhood issues of why she's so critical of herself and those close to her. I'm routing for ya!

 

Sex wasn't involved... and fortunately my wife can believe that since she saw all the "dirty laundry" (emails, text). I'm trying to maintain the happy medium of apologies... she definitely deserves it from me... but to be fair to both of us, like you say, we can't focus only on that... we have to get to the real problems or this could happen again - and that is something I REALLY don't want to happen again, I really don't want to hurt her again.

[smartgirl]

Jack,

 

I absolutely believe that you and your W must address the issues that already existed in your marriage and how you were feeling. I know you see those issues as the reason you had your EA. But really, and you have to catch the nuance here, the reason you had the affair is because you didn't deal with the issues in your marriage, not because the issues existed. Instead of working with your wife to improve the state of your home life, you simply distracted your self from those problems by focusing on another woman.

 

Sooooo, you need to fully own up to that with your wife. Yes, there are problems the two of you need to solve. No, you did not have to get involved with someone else as a result.

 

If she loves you and has any sense of perspective at all, she will know that she contributed to a less than ideal marriage situation prior to the affair. Surely, there are some things you could have been doing better as well. My advice is to be as open and honest as possible, but be kind as well. It will mean a lot to her to know that what upsets you the most is that you hurt her and you will do anything to avoid being responsible for that again.

[smartgirl]

Also, I agree with T vernon that she should not have involved her family. She will find that when she is ready to move on, they may keep bringing it back up.

 

There can only be two in a marriage. I said this to you in another thread about badmouthing your marriage to other women. A couple should never involve others they know in complaints about the marriage. The only advice her family should give her is "you and jack need to work this out." Encourage her to avoid involving them further and you swear to do the same.