Minnie415 Posted June 13, 2008 Posted June 13, 2008 Readers....SO that you understand a bit more of my situation here is a letter I wrote to a few close friends regarding my relationship. ~As many of you know, "he" and I have been together for almost 4 years. "he" proposed on Valentine's day 08. We were engaged to be wed with no real date. However as of 5/24/08 our whole relationship came to a screeching halt. It's hard to explain why and how it happened, but it did. We don't expect anyone to understand we really don't cause to try and get to the bottom of it would be endless but as long as he and I know where we stand we're ok with that. He's the missing piece to my puzzle and we're best friends. Just right now is not the right time. At first I wanted to hate him and tell him how selfish he is but I think I was just too much of a coward to ever fess up to my own feelings and bring it all out on the table. A conversation we had on Monday night made us both feel like this is JUST RIGHT, and so I thanked him for having the guts I never did. We cried, we laughed, but most importantly we listened and understood each other. We have things we want to finish for ourselves, like school for me and he wants to pursue a career in the CHP. All this takes a lot of dedication and we just got too comfortable trying to please each other we forgot about ourselves and our dreams and aspirations. We've never been on our own. We've always had someone to fall back on. I've been from one relationship to another all my life and never really been on my own. He's always had someone to rely on whether it be financially or emotionally and so have I. We need to grow as individuals before we can take that next step into something more. The day "he" asked me to be his wife was the happiest day of my life but I think I was more excited about having a wedding (I've been dreaming up since I was 2), then I was about having an actual MARRIAGE, and ultimately that's what it's really suppose to be about. I love kids and I can't wait to have them one day but pressuring a family on someone isn't going to make it come any sooner. I believe everything in this world happens for a reason whether that may be good or bad. I think God has a plan for all of us, even me. And that in the end "he" and I will both be very happy whether that means with or without one another. We're best friends and we can't pretend our past didn't happen or that the relationships we built will be erased. They can't and we won't let them. We will still be in contact, and we will still hang out with one another and so will you guys so please don't feel awkward about inviting us places or anything like that. Things will be different and people will be affected but as long as him and I know where we stand it's alright. We love each other and this is why we are doing this, to get it out of the way so one day we can look back and say how much stronger we are with each other but most importantly as individuals. "He" asked me to keep the ring, because he too has hope that in the end it will be him and I again. I finally brought myself to take off the ring on Tuesday night, it was heartbreaking and so hard. As i put it away in its original gold heart shaped box with the pink ribbon on it, I couldn't help but cry (of course) and at the same time felt so hopeful that one day we will be together again. And if not, I've gained the greatest friend I could have asked for and a new wonderful family, HIS. I want "him" to be happy even if that means his happiness is being without me.~ Since I wrote this, he and I have had our moments of regret and tears, mostly me cause I started to re-evaluate what we had and realized that I took him for granted in many ways. We still live together and the first night he went out as a bachelor was so hard for me. I too went out that night but I wanted to walk back in my house as soon as I stepped foot out the door. I wanted things back to how they were so I can make things better but I knew deep inside this was a mutual decision. Was it? I started to question myself, my decisions, my dreams and started to think that no matter what I do I want him in my life not only as my best friend. I cried to sleep many nights, he comforted me told me he loved me and tried to stay strong for the both of us. Still it didn't feel the same. Earlier this week at work I was feeling like crap and took off early. I went home and did the only thing a corny crafty person does, made him a collage full of pics of good times and trips we took. It was titled Best Friends at the very top. When he came home I gave it to him and as he stared at it with a huge smile I couldn't help the tears from falling from my eyes. He noticed and then got close to me and told me that he's been thinking a lot and he wants to be together as boyfriend girlfriend, he's just not ready for the engagement, that he loves me too much too lose me or throw everything away.....but that he wants to take things real slow so that we can pursue finishing our careers. I totally agree, we're moving out seperately and we'll take it from there but what does taking it real slow mean? To exclude him from holidays or friday and saturday nights? I hate taking things slow! The next day I still wasn't feeling 100% as I thought I would so when I got home I asked him to be 100% completely honest with me and tell me this is really what he wanted, because I didn't want him to feel pressured to do this just because I was sad. That I would hate for him to be doing this just because of me. But he promised that he wanted to be with me because he loves me, he just wanted to take things slow. Still I don't feel at ease. I still feel like I'm walking on eggshells. why? I guess maybe I just miss what we had and don't know how to deal with the whole "taking it real slow" issue? Now he already has plans for 4th of July and I have none. He has a weekend with the boys and I have a box of tissue I guess. Help. Why do I feel like this? I'm 26 and haven't felt like this in a long long time! I don't know how to deal with heartbreak and yet I have a boyfriend?! wtf?!
justaman99 Posted June 13, 2008 Posted June 13, 2008 hmmm tough one. Maybe taking things slow is just taking a step back from applying so much time to each other and putting efforts more into your individual goals yet remain a couple. I don't have the experience that you have with your boyfriend but I will say one thing in my little experience. In my last relationship I put so much into "it" that I lost my own goals, dreams, desires and interests. I was all about making the relationship work, pleasing her and our desires as a couple but I forgot me. This little mishap broke the relationship. I found myself lost and off track and I wasn't sure why. When I took a step back and thought about it I realized I wasn't in balance with myself, her and the relationship. Today I realize the mistake I made and when I did decide to slow down and redirect some of my time and energy to me she took it the wrong way and broke up with me. She thought I was becoming distant and disinterested. There were a couple other issues between us but I think they could have been worked out. The biggest one however was losing myself. In a relationship we must remember to maintain ourselves and our interdependence and continue to pursue our professional and personal goals as that individual. I think in this case this is what slowing down could mean. Instead of 100% relationship, it's 50% maintaining the current relationship and needs, 25% for himself/yourself in your goals professionally and personally and maybe even 25% formatting yourselves for a long term future together. -Just
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