lexi29 Posted June 13, 2008 Posted June 13, 2008 I'm in a tough situation. Not sure what to do. My sister is 24 and married about a year ago to her 27 yr old husband. they have been together a total of 3 or 4 years. They moved to another state so that he could get a good job. He applied for the job (police officer) but coudnt' pass the physical tests. He is a nice guy but doesn't have much ambition or his ambition isn't based in reality. He wants to strike it rich or be a superhero. My sister is the baby of the family and used to being taken care of. THey live about 6 hours away from me. My sister is one of my best friends and I wish she would move closer to me but her husband does not want to move to this area. He says he needs to live in a big city (I live in a small town) because there is more to do. Well in the two years they have lived there all they do is go out to eat, go to the mall, the gym, and the movies. We have all that where I live and I live about an hour at most from two large cities. He is a job hopper and is never happy with his job. He was making $9 hr at his latest job and got hurt and can not work until he has surgery. My sister has a college degree but does not make much $ either (about $13 hr) and the cost of living is high where they live. THey love the area (it is beautiful) but can't pay their bills. her husband has had several bouts of unemployment (which causes my sister much stress) but they were finally starting to get back on their feet before her husband got injured at work. He was working two jobs at the time and now can not work at all. He will have to change his whole career field (back problems) after his surgery. My sister also suffers from depression (this was diagnosed about a year after she started dating her husband) She is on medication but has tried to kill herself once (before she got married). Our parents live 7 hours away from her and about two hours away from me. She has no friends where they live (does not make friends easily). Her best friend actually lives about twenty minutes from me. So if she would move back to the area I live in she would have me, some extended family, her best friend and some other friends. I worry about her so much. Last weekend she called me crying because her husband had gotten into a huge fight with her and he told her she makes him miserable (She is supporting his a**!!) and he is tired of her depression and that they have no money and other things. I should point out that he actually called off the wedding about a month before it was to happen and then agreed to get married a week later. I think he resents her for this. His parents just got divorced right before he got married. After the wedding he found out his dad was having an affair with his secretary. They have done couples counseling and my sister is seeing a therapist on her own. My parents are paying her car payment for her, our aunt gives her money once in awhile. I"ve given her money before she got married but never since then. Well this past weekend when she called me crying, she asked if I could "loan" (I'll never see it again) her any money. I feel terrible because I know she is behind on all her bills, cant pay her rent etc because of her husband not being able to work. She wants to take a 2nd job but emotionally she just can't handle it. She said she understands if I wont' loan her the money but things are really bad and she needs it. I have offered that if they move to this area I will help them find jobs (what I do for a living) and an apartment. They keep accumulating pets though (her husband buys her a new pet after every argument it seems and now they have 3 dogs and 3 cats!! so finding a place might be difficult. My reasoning for wanting her to live closer to me is selfish in part because I miss her! But also I think she would be happier closer to family and friends. And it would be easier financially for them. I can give them some money but I have to take it out of the money I am saving to buy a house and for my wedding. (My parents gave my sister about $5000 for her wedding because they received an inheritence that is now gone and aren't able to give me any money for my own wedding so we have to pay for it ourselves which is fine but I'm just pointing that out). Should I give my sister and her husband the money? Or should I be tough on them and tell her she is married she needs to figure things out for herself? Selfishly, I'm thinking if I don't give her any money to help her out she may HAVE to move closer to where I live (or back in with our parents) I've bailed her out before and they keep getting into these financial messes (mainly because there is not always two incomes thanks to her husband (this time isnt' his fault because he is injured). But I feel I need to help her because she is my little sister and I love her and want her to be ok. I have not even seen her since last summer because they couldnt' afford to drive here for christmas or anything. I really want to help her but maybe if they are really uncomfortable they will have to figure something else out. What should I do???
hotgurl Posted June 13, 2008 Posted June 13, 2008 no don't give her money. You would just be enabling them. also you are shelling out a lot of money for the house and wedding na dit would put you in a bad spot. throwing money at thier money problems won't help.
GPFan Posted June 14, 2008 Posted June 14, 2008 I suggest you come up with a figure for a final gift (of course you would gift in a dire emergency but DO NOT tell your sister that now). Offer her the gift with the understanding that this is the final gift, if she agrees that is that. If she declines, then keep that amount tucked away just in case she asks. I don't think your sister's marriage will survive much longer and that is sad but she will be much better off on her own. Take care.
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