feelinblu Posted June 13, 2008 Posted June 13, 2008 Hey all, I'm new to this forum. I really wish I would have known about this place years ago, it's wonderful:) I'll try to keep this as short as I can, but I'd really love some opinions. My ex and I broke up about 3 weeks ago. I'm 24, he's 26. We had been together for about a year. Our relationship was wonderful. Of course we had arguments here and there, but we got through them. The last couple months were a bit stressful. He asked me to move in, and I did slowly. We lived about 75 miles apart, so I would just bring down loads of things every weekend or every trip down. We talked about our future, as so many of us on here did! It wasn't casual talk though, we had actually set a date and place. No.... no actual proposal, he said he wanted to make that a surprise (although isn't talking about it kind of a give-away?!?!) but that's beside the point. We planned a 2 wek vacation the end of May so that I could get completely moved in, and then we were going to go to Disneyland toward the end of it. Well, the night before our first day of vacation together, we got into an argument (one where I overreacted, but later apologized), and the next morning he told me he didn't want me to move in anymore. This was the day we were actually going to go grab the rest of my furniture from my apartment and be finished moving in. I didn't really have a place to go, as my apartment had already been leased to someone new, and I had to turn in my keys in less then a week. So, I packed up alllllll my stuff, and moved in with my mom until I can get on my feet again and find a new place. Just like that. It was over. He was so cold to me that day, and blamed everything on the argument we had, which I find hard to believe. After he left my mom's after helping me unload my things, he sent me a text that said "for what it's worth, I wish you the best. I didn't respond. I was pi****. Now, I know everyone has felt this way..... like you don't even know this person you're talking to anymore. It's weird. And uncomfortable. Here I was making a HUGE change in my life to come live with him (he brought it up, I didn't push it on him at all), and move 75 miles away from where I've always lived, and almost quit my job to find something closer, and now he wants to give up..... over an argument. Yeah, there's no way that's what the real reason is........ is it? A couple weeks before all this went down, he went on a road trip with his family (his parents didn't agree with me moving in until we were engaged). The whole time he was gone, he was soooo distant. He hardly called, which was so unlike him. He normally calls many times a day, even when I'm at work or he is. I asked him about it, and he said everything was fine, he was just busy with family. I took his word for it. After he got back, he was sweet to me again, so I thought everything was ok. Now I'm thinking the distant thing while with his family had to have something to do with it, I don't know. Well, a couple days later after I calmed down, this all hit me. The man I loved so much is gone.... I may never see him again. And so suddenly. I thought everything was gonna be ok. I was so excited for us to FINALLY go on vacation together..... and now....... I have 2 weeks off and don't even get to see him. I called him, and asked him if he was happy about what happened. I told him none of this felt right. Yeah, I know I shouldn't have done this now.......... He told me he wasn't ready to answer those questions yet. I apologized for everything, and he told me I have nothing to be sorry about. He emailed me a few days later saying he was sorry for all of this, and putting me through this, and for some other things too. It was a sincere letter. He also said in it that he needs some time to sort things out, and that right now he's not sure we're right for each other. He told me not to think that he just wants to go out and date other people, but that he plans to take some time off from dating, and just spend time alone, adn that he's confused.He feels he needs to do that for himself, and for "whoever else I one day decide to spend my life with". At least it was a decent letter, but I was crushed. "Whoever else"???? I thought I was that person!! He constantly brought it up! He would even say, "babe, so you promise to marry me one day"?? I emailed him back telling him that I will respect his decision, but that if he ever changes his mind to let me know. I told him I thought we were right for each other though. Before I really did........ A few days later I realized I left a bunch of stuff in storage that I needed to get, so I saw him when I did. I thought he would just have my things sitting on the driveway or something, but they were inside. He still had all of our pictures up, my shower towels hadn't been taken down..... It was like I never left. He still had my flowers on the counter that he had gotten me the day before our breakup. I was nice, I had myself "together" and I went to go put some things in boxes. He followed me around like a puppy dog. He sat and watched me as I packed and told me he was so sorry for putting me through this, and that he still cares for me. He asked how I was doing and if I needed anything. He was offering to give me things he thought I might need that weren't even mine! I couldn't help but feel bad for him! I could tell he felt really bad, but for some reason I didn't want him to. We talked. We said our sorrys, and it ended well. I didn't even bring up getting back together even though I wanted to. I told him we probably woudn't end up friends or anything, but he insisted that I call him if I ever needed anything. When I was about to walk out, he grabbed me and gave me a BIG hug. He told me I was wonderful, and not to change. He said he doens't want me to go out and have a one night stand in vegas or anything (I was going to vegas with a friend (girl) in a couple days. I thought that was a little weird of him to ask me at the time considering I wouldn't do that with or without him, but whatever...... I left. I started to think about things after I left. I wondered if what he was trying to tell me was that he did want to try things again..... In vegas I got really depressed and sent him a text telling him I wish he could have come. Mistake, I know. No reply. The next day I called him wanting to know some answers. I was so confused about things and I wanted to know if there was really something else going on or something. Yes, I know.....another mistake. This is why I should have signed up here before! He didn't really give me any answers, he just told me he is confused and doesn't really understand what he's going through, and that we can be friends, but nothing more. I told him I wished he could have come to Vegas, an he said "yeah, well I wish we could have gone to Disneyland too". It was his idea not to go to Disneyland in the first place, so I wasn't going to waste a good ticket to go nowhere. So I went to vegas. I thought it would be fun, but I just ended up missing him more. And he's obviously mad about it now, but I can't fix that, it was his decision. So here's where we're at. I sent him an email a couple days after I got back from Vegas telling him that I'm sorry I made mistakes, and that I tried my best, and thought we had a good relationship, but that we can't be friends... for obvious reasons. I can't be firends with him. It will tear me apart waiting for him to call me and be my "friend". I want more than that. I want to work things out slowly............ very slowly........... we had a good thing going, and then nothing. I just can't believe it was thrown away so quickly. He never replied to that email. I really hope that one day he calls and says he wants to work on things. But I know that may never happen. My question is, what are your thoughts?? Do you think he's just confused, and if I give him his space, he'll eventually call and at leat give an explanation? Do you think I should let him know that he can call if he wants, or he prob already knows that? Should I just go NC? I haven't talked to him in almost 2 weeks. I miss him so much. Well, I hope I covered all the main points. I'm SO sorry it's so long, but You know how these things go!!!! Thank you SO much to anyone who takes the time to read this and give me your thoughts!
HeartOnSleeve Posted June 15, 2008 Posted June 15, 2008 Wow...I feel like I just read my own post...LOL. I went through something so similar and it's been about a month and half now....the LONGEST month and half of my life! It's so hard to think that someone can be so close and then POOF they're gone! Men are so diffrent to women. They have this ability to shut us out (out of sight...out of mind) so easily and that's the worst part. From what I can tell and your ex seems the same. I know my ex is highly confused at this moment in his life...work, family, and life in general. He and I had an amazing, beautiful relatiionship that I was shocked he just let me go with no real explanation. He told me I was pefect, that we were the right fit and then just GONE. It's hard, but I think he probably really needs his space and give him time to miss you as well. I am learning to accept "what is meant to be will be" and " everything happens for a reason". I want my ex back so bad but the timing is so wrong and I don't want to push him, I want him to want to come back...if that makes sense. All i can do is wait for him to come to me and live my life to the fullest with out waiting around for him, while he figures things out. You will continue to miss him, but hopefully ou can keep yourself busy, and just go on with life and hopefully for both of us....one day they will come back and if they don't...they don't and we have to move on. Hang in there!
upsetnhurt Posted June 15, 2008 Posted June 15, 2008 feelinblu and heartonsleeve, Can I ask why would you want your ex's back knowing the for the majority of times, if they felt it was so easy to give up on you this time, there is a greater chance that they might just do it to you again in the future? Do you really want to risk re-investing yourselves into a relationship knowing that you will be the one giving more of yourself than your partner? Fool me once, shame on you, Fool me twice, shame on me. What is it that makes these two guys the best guys out there for you?
HeartOnSleeve Posted June 15, 2008 Posted June 15, 2008 feelinblu and heartonsleeve, Can I ask why would you want your ex's back knowing the for the majority of times, if they felt it was so easy to give up on you this time, there is a greater chance that they might just do it to you again in the future? Do you really want to risk re-investing yourselves into a relationship knowing that you will be the one giving more of yourself than your partner? Fool me once, shame on you, Fool me twice, shame on me. What is it that makes these two guys the best guys out there for you? [COLOR=black][FONT=Verdana]For me, my ex is a great guy! and a good person, with a lot going on in his life at this time. We are still really young...only 25 and I think that men in their twenties tend to shut down easily. I would love my ex back, I'm certainly not waiting around for him and I am going out, living my life etc. But if our paths cross again wonderful and if they don't....it’s what is meant to be. I think that plenty of relationships go through ups and downs especially at such a young age. I am not going to assume he would intentionally hurt me again when I don't believe he did it on purpose in the first place. I wasn't cheated on, or betrayed....life happened. I try to think optimistically rather then to be a pessimist:love:[/FONT][/COLOR] [COLOR=black][FONT=Verdana] [/FONT][/COLOR] [COLOR=black][FONT=Verdana]Thank you for the advice[/FONT][/COLOR] HOS
me1234 Posted June 16, 2008 Posted June 16, 2008 my opinion (could be totally wrong).... sounds like he got cold feet when the reality of living together full time set in. the timing of it all speaks a lot....he broke it off right before you were about to fully move in. some things seem like a good idea on paper, but maybe he wasn't ready for the reality of a commitment like that. the argument you had that was supposedly the catalyst for the breakup likely had little to do with it, so don't beat yourself up. he may have just used it as a smoke screen for the underlying reason. or, maybe the argument could have planted the seeds of thought of "if we're living together 24/7 these arguments could increase in frequency" which could have contributed to the cold feet theory. I really hope that one day he calls and says he wants to work on things. the likelihood of him just calling you out of the blue is slim, because his opinion of you right now is that if you speak, you will sob and pressure for a reconciliation and it won't be a positive experience. as i see it, you've got two options. 1. go NC and heal/work on yourself, forget him and move on. 2. try to open up the lines of communication, re-present yourself in his eyes as a positive person who won't be depressing to talk to, and see what happens. you have to go into this with no expectations though, bc it may result in nothing (and may even do more damage to your recovery). if you choose this route, you'd first need to re-open the lines of comm. email him stating you were wrong in saying that you couldn't be friends - you've known each other too long/mean too much to one another to just shut each other out. tell him that you want him to be happy and you understand the situation. lay the groundwork for brief casual conversations with no pressures/expectations. in any communication that follows as friends, be positve - don't bring up anything about the breakup, etc etc, just be an upbeat, positive supportive friend. if you present yourself as a confident, content, fulfilled person with lots to offer, people will want to talk to you more. if you come across as sad and miserable and stuck in neutral, the opposite holds true. let it be known (subtlely) you are keeping busy and improving yourself and your life, meeting new people, doing new things, taking up new hobbies, etc (which you should be doing regardless). if you continue staying in touch as friends, after some time casually suggest meeting up for a drink or coffee or a movie sometime, etc. I think you get the picture from here. if you keep on this path, there is a chance you could reconcile. there is also a chance that nothing will come about, or that you could set yourself back with false hope - so, proceed with caution. i'm sure most responders will steer you away from this option. i'm not espousing it either; but, it's your choice if you're desperate and really feel like you want to try "something". just keep in mind the risks. whatever path you choose, don't sit around waiting for him....experience the world, meet people, work on yourself, keep your mind and options open, etc etc. in doing so, you may find that after some time you're no longer interested in him anyway.
Author feelinblu Posted June 21, 2008 Author Posted June 21, 2008 Wow...I feel like I just read my own post...LOL. I went through something so similar and it's been about a month and half now....the LONGEST month and half of my life! It's so hard to think that someone can be so close and then POOF they're gone! Men are so diffrent to women. They have this ability to shut us out (out of sight...out of mind) so easily and that's the worst part. From what I can tell and your ex seems the same. I know my ex is highly confused at this moment in his life...work, family, and life in general. He and I had an amazing, beautiful relatiionship that I was shocked he just let me go with no real explanation. He told me I was pefect, that we were the right fit and then just GONE. It's hard, but I think he probably really needs his space and give him time to miss you as well. I am learning to accept "what is meant to be will be" and " everything happens for a reason". I want my ex back so bad but the timing is so wrong and I don't want to push him, I want him to want to come back...if that makes sense. All i can do is wait for him to come to me and live my life to the fullest with out waiting around for him, while he figures things out. You will continue to miss him, but hopefully ou can keep yourself busy, and just go on with life and hopefully for both of us....one day they will come back and if they don't...they don't and we have to move on. Hang in there! I thought no one had replied to my thread, so thanks to all who did! I am beginning to get that sense of what's meant to be will be. I trust that, and I understand completely what you mean by you want him to want you back. I do too, and if he doesn't, then I don't want him either. It needs to be mutual for things to work out. I'm keeping busy, and recently started hitting the treadmill every day. It feels great, and I'm feeling better and better every day. I'm slooooowly coming to understand and accept that he may never come back. And if not, I truly believe ther are bigger things in life planned for me. I can't see them now, but I know they're out there!!!
Author feelinblu Posted June 21, 2008 Author Posted June 21, 2008 feelinblu and heartonsleeve, Can I ask why would you want your ex's back knowing the for the majority of times, if they felt it was so easy to give up on you this time, there is a greater chance that they might just do it to you again in the future? Do you really want to risk re-investing yourselves into a relationship knowing that you will be the one giving more of yourself than your partner? Fool me once, shame on you, Fool me twice, shame on me. What is it that makes these two guys the best guys out there for you? My answer is no, I don't want someone who will give up on me at the drop of a dime. He did this time, and I'm actually shocked. We had harder times than these, and were there for each other in the past. That's why this is so strange. I do beleive in forgiveness though too. I wasn't perfect, and I said some things out of anger that I am lucky he has forgiven me for. He really is a great man, but he's obviously confused right now. I want him to take the time he needs though to think about what he wants. If it's me, then we can work on those things (depending on what's going on in my life at the time of course). And if it's not, then I hope the best for him. I think he deserves it.
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