melodymatters Posted June 13, 2008 Posted June 13, 2008 Ok, I've held back on this story until everything was resolved. I'm mainly posting to update the people who know me ( through LS) rather than to solicit advice. I know I am always invested when stargazer or kamille get a new beau, so...... Three months ago, I randomly moved to Daytona Bch Fl.I had been living in FL for 5 yrs, but hit some hard emotional and financial times and figured i'd go back to NY and see if I liked it any better 5 yrs later. Um NO. So, 2 months ago my lanlord stops by to pick up the rent. It was a friday night and I was having a few beers and playing on here. I offered him one, and we ended up killing the twelve pack and talking for 6 hrs. He's 33 days older than me ( we're both 40) He's from San Fran, a former Video game producer, who basically inherited the properties, and figured he needed a change. Now, the "Problem" 6 months earlier, he had written to am old colleague, and confessed that he had always had a crush on her. He flew her out, they spent a great week together, and they decided she would relocate. Well shortly after she arrived, it turned out she had some mental issues, was a violent alcoholic who smashed things around the house, and had decided she was " asexual". SO, "LL" ( we'll call him that, short for landlord) e-mailed me the next day, saying how much he enjoyed talking with me, and that he would not put pressure on me or contact me again if I didn't write back, but would I like to get together and go to lunch. That was a hard call, because I felt perhaps I shouldn't, but I had NO friends here, and he was such a smart, sensitive, interesting guy. Well, I accepted, and we started falling for each other. We hung out a lot, hugged, wrestled, but I wouldn't have sex with him. Finally after a month, I decided to screw him once, and see if I could get it out of my system. Didn't work, but I kept trying to say " No, we can just be friends, and I DON'T believe in FWB, gag )" It was compounded by the fact, that I started working for him as a rental agent/property manager, as this was his first go round with renting real estate and I'm a licensed FL Realtor. So, One night, I said, "Look, this is horrible, I'm holding back emotionally, holding back physically and it sucks, go home and fix it or don't come back". He went home and told her that night and apparently she gave him her blessings. She is agoraphobic, won't leave the house, is completely broke, and hates sex, so I'm guessing she was thinking " Fine, let him get his ya ya's out somewhere else, but ultimately he'll still support me and take care of my crazy azz." Well that worked for a week or two, but then it started to bother me, he said she was getting jealous, and that he felt like a horrible person and needed to end EVERYTHING with her once and for all. Believe me, that was a stressful day and night for me, wondering if suddenly he would change his mind and choose her. He very much didn't. He offered her either an apt here with reduced rent until she gets on her feet, or a plane ticket back to CA. They are packing up as I write this. So, I took a chance perhaps I shouldn't have. Like I said to him : if it was a year or more relationship, I would have assumed they just hit a rough spot and would have backed off 110%, but with the 6 months, no sex, he's miserable factor, I took a shot. For those that will say " How do you know he's not lying to you about EVERYTHING ? " All I can say, is that I am one jaded b*tch, who prides herself on being a human lie detector, and, he is the most honest person I've ever met, even when he says things I don't want to hear or might cause me discomfort, he tells me the truth. I'm an ex rock chick, and he's basically a sweet computer nerd, but I have really fallen hard for him. My bad boy days are over, and after taking a year break to be single, I feel like I finally am choosing a good man. So, either I have finally found a healthy relationship, or I am the biggest fool on the planet and you will all have to be here to help pick up the pieces. Sorry if this was long or boring, but after being here and getting to know some of you pretty well, I felt it was time to tell my story. And Tanbark, thanks for the personal advice via pm !
luvmy2ns Posted June 13, 2008 Posted June 13, 2008 Ah, Melody, good for you hon! It sounds like everything will work out just fine. Just keep up the conversation!
blind_otter Posted June 13, 2008 Posted June 13, 2008 At first when I read your post I though it said "he is 33 years older than me" and I was like, WHAAAAA?! Then I realized that if this were a reading comprehension quiz, I would have failed miserably. Congratulations, MM. Couldn't have happened to a nicer gal. I will cross what apendages I have that are not overly swollen for you.
Author melodymatters Posted June 13, 2008 Author Posted June 13, 2008 Thanks guys ! I'm surprised no one has yelled at me yet; we can be a harsh, non line crossing bunch here on LS, no matter WHAT the situation !
Trialbyfire Posted June 13, 2008 Posted June 13, 2008 Thanks guys ! I'm surprised no one has yelled at me yet; we can be a harsh, non line crossing bunch here on LS, no matter WHAT the situation ! Do you need someone to yell at you?
Author melodymatters Posted June 13, 2008 Author Posted June 13, 2008 Do you need someone to yell at you? Hahahaha, no, but thanks sweetie, YOU were actually one of the ones I was worried about the most !
tinktronik Posted June 13, 2008 Posted June 13, 2008 It seems its always the NERDS that are the good ones.
Art_Critic Posted June 13, 2008 Posted June 13, 2008 Thanks guys ! I'm surprised no one has yelled at me yet; we can be a harsh, non line crossing bunch here on LS, no matter WHAT the situation ! MM.. every single relationship no matter how it starts out has a few flags.. the key is to make sure they are yellow flags and not red flags waving wildly... The yellow flags that each relationship has are the ones that get worked thru or worked around...
Gawdess Posted June 13, 2008 Posted June 13, 2008 The only thing which would concern me is how quickly he got involved with this other woman. He had her relocate after one weekend. I think you should proceed, but proceed cautiously. He might be the type who rushes in without really being emotionally invested.
Jilly Bean Posted June 13, 2008 Posted June 13, 2008 Yep, my only flag of concern would be that I firmly believe how they come to you, is how they will go out on you. Since he was still living with someone else while involved with you, I would just be very wary of him doing the same to you one day. Cheating is cheating, even if he claims it was a sexless relationship (er, I think ALL guys who cheat say this specifically). But, if you are cool with how it all came about, and have no reservations about his integrity, then that's all that really matters at the end of the day, and not some comments made by strangers. Good luck, Melody! I hope he continues to make you happy.
luvmy2ns Posted June 13, 2008 Posted June 13, 2008 Thanks guys ! I'm surprised no one has yelled at me yet; we can be a harsh, non line crossing bunch here on LS, no matter WHAT the situation ! You know, the way your LL got involved with that woman - he had no real idea what she was like. He hadn't seen her in the day-to-day. Once he had and she turned out to be psycho, look at how kindly he has tried to deal with her. He didn't just turn her out, which would have actually probably been the safest thing for his own well being. I certainly could never fault anyone for winding up in a relationship with a guy who had this kind of thing going on. Providing he doesn't draw it out overly long. I mean, kindness is good, but...
Author melodymatters Posted June 13, 2008 Author Posted June 13, 2008 Thanks Lovemy ! He IS a great person, he also put her on his group health insurance, paid for that too, and got her into detox and rehab when her drinking/behaviour got too out of control. I met him when he was realizing that even after getting sober, she was still a mean, unstable person. Just goes to show that fantasy. crush things, when realized, can REALLY suck ! Last night he said " You have been such a wonderful woman to me, I am going to be a wonderful man to you, and never make you regret loving me" Aw:love:
Crestfallen_KH Posted June 13, 2008 Posted June 13, 2008 Aww, congrats, MM! Many happy thoughts and congratulations your way!
Touche Posted June 14, 2008 Posted June 14, 2008 You thought I was going to be one of the ones to yell at you didn't you? Nope. Actions speak louder than words. He's backing up his words with actions. He really sounds like a great guy. The kind of guy whom you can depend on. No more bad boys! Yippppeee! You're growing up, Melody! I can't say anything other than I'm happy for you. Sure there's a chance this can go south but it sure sounds like something that has great potential. It does. I'm in your corner, Melody! Please keep us posted, ok? You go girl!
Author melodymatters Posted June 14, 2008 Author Posted June 14, 2008 Thanks, that means a lot coming from you T ! And...yeah....I DID ! Enjoy the rest of your vacation, but I'm looking forward to even better times come Nov ! I totally am going to rent a room there, was good friends with the manager once upon a time. My b-days the 28th, so it will be my present to myself. ( still think it would be fun if other LS'ers could join us, hint, hint, )
Touche Posted June 14, 2008 Posted June 14, 2008 Thanks, that means a lot coming from you T ! And...yeah....I DID ! Thanks, Melody! Enjoy the rest of your vacation, but I'm looking forward to even better times come Nov ! Me too! I totally am going to rent a room there, was good friends with the manager once upon a time. My b-days the 28th, so it will be my present to myself. ( still think it would be fun if other LS'ers could join us, hint, hint, ) That sounds so great, Melody! I can't wait. Maybe we can get a little group of us together. We'll see.
Kamille Posted June 14, 2008 Posted June 14, 2008 I wish I could go celebrate your b-day... damn student budget! Congratulations Melody! You should see the grin on my face. I really don't feel ready to date again but your story makes me feel like there is no rush whatsoever: love happens when it's meant to happen!
Author melodymatters Posted June 14, 2008 Author Posted June 14, 2008 Yep, my only flag of concern would be that I firmly believe how they come to you, is how they will go out on you. Since he was still living with someone else while involved with you, I would just be very wary of him doing the same to you one day. Cheating is cheating, even if he claims it was a sexless relationship (er, I think ALL guys who cheat say this specifically). But, if you are cool with how it all came about, and have no reservations about his integrity, then that's all that really matters at the end of the day, and not some comments made by strangers. Good luck, Melody! I hope he continues to make you happy. You know, your post, and gawdesses, didn't come through last night ! I think you are both very right too, and that's why I'm realizing I am still not 100% comfortable. Thanks !
SoulSearch_CO Posted June 15, 2008 Posted June 15, 2008 I've read several of your posts and I'm happy to see this upturn in events. I don't think you're being set up for heartbreak. I think people get set up for heartbreak when they jump in fast way too soon. Sounds to me like you've been pretty careful. And he's sending her packing...I don't see any negatives, here. I really do hope things work out and you guys can have a great relationship. Keep us updated!
SoulSearch_CO Posted June 15, 2008 Posted June 15, 2008 I wanted to add something because I hear/read it all the time and it's starting to annoy the **** out of me. I do NOT agree with "how they came in is how they'll go out." People can change. I don't want to get into the sordid details of how STBXH and I started OUR relationship because I will surely be crucified. Yes, he did have a couple of online flings in our first year of being married, but after separating from him for a couple months, he realized what he stood to lose and has not strayed AT ALL in the 3 1/2 years since the separation. The online stuff was nowhere near as bad as what he did in his last marriage. And our reasons for splitting don't have much to do with him cheating 4 years ago - it's more to do with his current attitude. So no - don't agree with "if he cheated WITH you, he will cheat ON you." BS.
Storyrider Posted June 15, 2008 Posted June 15, 2008 Sounds very fun and exciting, MM. Now it's time to start really enjoying him.
tanbark813 Posted June 16, 2008 Posted June 16, 2008 Happy to hear things worked out, MM. Stick with the nerds. We're good people.
Author melodymatters Posted June 16, 2008 Author Posted June 16, 2008 Wow, no, actually it doesn't look like it's going to work out after all. He went back to the house 1/2 hr away he owns, where she lives on Fri. ostensibly to get more packing done. We had plans to go out for dinner with his friends on Saturday night. Sat afternoon, instead of calling like usual, he e-mails that he's not feeling well, and that he's sorry, but he doesn't think he can go out. I wrote back, sorry you're not feeling well, could you call me ? AND THEN, five hours later he calls ( I had already shut off my phone) and leaves a message saying he wants to talk to me, but not while " she's there". In his own damn house, in THIS situation. I don't hear from him again until I e-mail the next morning, and he calls. Now, he's "conflicted", "wracked with guilt", and needs " more time". I told him he had a self indulgant streak a mile wide, and that he had already put me through enough with the initial decision, let alone this. I told him he no longer HAD a choice : he gets her, because I'm out. Un-F*cking-believable, and I only fell for it because he WAS such a "nerd", thinking " THIS guy is gonna play ME ?!?" Ah well, better 8 weeks, than 8 months, 8 yrs. I'm so done with him. I told myself before that if he made that choice, he was a very sick person indeed, and I would be dodging a bullet. Bullet dodged. .......But Man, am I PISSED !!!!!!!
blind_otter Posted June 16, 2008 Posted June 16, 2008 That is a total bummer, MM. I was hoping things would turn out better than this.
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