She is filing legal separation not divorce? Is she leaving the door open? False hope?

[cruiser]

Well, here is another story. Been married 14 yrs, been with her 17 yrs. Have two kids 10 and 6. Neither kids want this obviously, and I don't want this. I came from a divorce family and am sick that my kids are going to have to go through this.

 

About 3 years ago I was stressed from work and didn't deal with it very well. I moved in with my brother for 12 weeks. I realized what she and my kids meant to me and moved back in. Our relationship was stronger than ever. I couldn't get enough of her. Then came her new friend.

 

She started putting all of her effort, emotion and time into this new girlfiend. I felt abandoned, and didn't like it. She got so attatched and conformed herself to her, it got wierd! I asked her if she was sexually attracted to her? NO, NO, NO. I read her journal and she was and was fantasizing about her. She later told the friend and the friend ran!

 

Things were good again for awhile. Then came a new friend:confused:. was glad for her but it quickly turned into the same thing all over again! Read her journal again and she was sexually attracted again! And this time even wrote that she knew it would destroy her family, but would deal with it when the time came! After watching her become emotionally attatched to this person, and watching the other women and husband accept it and feed it also, I couldn't handle it. I approached her and told her I read her journal. She tells me it was transfierance and doesn't feel that way anymore. But she became even more zealous of her friend and would spend all day every day with her at her house. Even skipped family events to do things with her. She would even become extremely jealous and hateful of other people if her friend spent time with other women. We started fighting and arguing about it frequently. There were times when I could get her away and she was comfortable about being away from her friend we were awsome. But then seh would start having withdrawls from her friend and was back giving it its all to the friend. And her and her friend and husband started convincing me that I need help. I told her I had enough and I was going to leave. She promised to change. But didn't and we fought! And now she has left.

 

First said she needed space Now has told me that she is filing for a legal separation.

 

Question, by filing for Legal separation, instead of divorce, does that mean she is leaving reconciliation open! She isn't religous and has pointed out that it isn't a divorce.

And should I try to get her back? I did the begging and whining to no prevail, and later learned that was the wrong thing to do. Now in limbo, and waiting for papers to show. I know I can find somebody else to share life with but don't want to. I love her and I don't want the kids to go through a divorce.

 

Need support and advice, all ears!

[Trialbyfire]

I'm not even going to begin to hazard a guess at the psychology of the entire situation...

 

Filing a legal separation agreement, ensures that responsibilities and asset division, are clearly defined previous to the divorce. Most jurisdictions require a cooling off period, previous to divorce, unless you're suing for divorce v. a no-fault one.

[SingleDad]

Wow - That is a weird situation - I also can't address the other relationship - seems like she is experimenting - but doesn't want to feel guilty about it... thus separation.

 

I just signed my wife's legal separation last night - She dropped the immediate divorce because she knew I would fight it with every cent that I have.

 

I am the only one with hope and faith that the marriage can be restored...

 

From the stats that I have heard the vast majority of legal separations end in divorce...

 

There is nothing you can do to stop separation or divorce... she would need to change her mind. Maybe your showing her love can change her mind... seems like she needs an emotional attachment... someone who understands and cares for her intimately (vs. sexually) Can you learn to understand her and provide for her emotional and spiritual needs more than her friend ?

[Gunny376]

There's a skunk in the hen house! I would treat this as any other type of cheating type situation.

 

I would assume that the seperation is permanent and that it would eventually lead to divorce. What is more, I would positioning myself myself mentally, emotinally, financially for that eventual conculsion.

 

I would also get proof of her infidelities, and seek full custody of the children.

 

In her own words she has alread told you all you need to know. Are you going to believe her or your own lying eyes?

[Billy Bob]

In my state legal seperation is pretty much a prelude to divorce.. In Washington State the "legal seperation" can be turned into a divorce at a moments notice after 6 months. One party doesn't even have to tell the other.

 

A lot of times people are much more generous in a "legal seperation" as one or the other hopes it is just a temporary thing... It is really not!

 

If you want to test her out, ask for everything you want in the "legal seperation" that she wants. If she is just thinking this is a temporary thing, or something to teach you a lesson then she won't balk when you ask for the house and kids.

 

My advice to you is to play this very carefully, act like a pathetic wimp, don't get nasty with her, act like you are completely in-love with her and would do anything to save the marriage. Behind the scenes, figure out how to convince her to give you custody of the kids...(tell her she is the love of your life and you'll wait for her and other pathetic nonsense), see if you can get most of the assets. Make her feel guilty for leaving and make her think you will be waiting for her! Its a game now, you need to step up and play.

[Chrome Barracuda]

The complete truth is.

 

She is F-ing gay.

 

Doesnt know how to explain it but this could be her latent bisexuality emerging and it has nothing to do with you, you didnt cause this. You didnt make her be gay. It just is. as much as it sucks internally she must be frightened and scared.

 

The thing you should do is detach. She's using this seperation to explore her new lesbo side and since you wanted a monogamous straight woman you can divorce on those grounds. This seperation gives her ample time to play the field under it and claim it so. If she wants to come back that's what she'll say.

 

She did it twice and with no reguard to you continued to do it. She's a cheater and a liar and a ***. (excuse my politcal correctness for all homosexual and bisexual members of LS) but you should not be trying to get her back but move on to the path of divorce of where you get your life together under the 180. It's 90% feasable that she wont come back. and you need to start with that mindset. She cheated, she's gay, she's not coming back. Expose the affair and go dim as possible under the 180.

 

You dont need the disrespect and you dont deserve it. Take care of your kids and be there for them. They'll need you to protect them from your wife's crap.

[TrustInYourself]

That's alarming. I'd suggest some counseling. I think right now she's considering whether or not she's lesbian or bisexual. I'm not sure I would pursue. In fact, I'd distance myself and prepare for the worst. Cheating is cheating.

[cruiser]

What a freakin roller coaster ride this is. I tell her this is going to be nothing but bad for the kids, statistics prove it. Then tells me that isn't true, that kids make it through a divorce just fine (even though the people she is living with have 4 kids from a previous marriage and 3 of them are really messed up). One day she says counseling could be in the future, the next day she tells me its over for ever. The kids are beating her up wanting her to move back in, she gets upset at them and then blames me for making them say that (which I didn't). Then she says we might reconcile, and we might not. One day she says she doesn't want to cross my path because seeing me will make her want to come back, the next day she says that its over for ever. I have been asked out twice for a date (small town). She gets upset, saying its not right for the kids and its too soon! I say wat difference does it make if you are sure we are done forever and I wold never bring a new women in front of the kids and she knows it. T hen the next day says she really doesn't care if I date, but thinks its wrong:confused:. What the he double hockey sticks is going on. She says that she filed separation papers 2 weeks ago, still haven't seen them. My brother inlaw says she is getting back at me for the time I left:confused:.

 

Anybody give me anything to chew on?

[n9688m]

I wold never bring a new women in front of the kids and she knows it.

 

Quite to the contrary - why wouldn't you? Of course the kids will have a stepmom one day. Maybe even half-siblings. No reason to hide that.

[sumdude]

Quite to the contrary - why wouldn't you? Of course the kids will have a stepmom one day. Maybe even half-siblings. No reason to hide that.

 

At some point I agree.. But at the moment they are still officially married. So he should take time for himself and the kids after the likley impending divorce without getting involved in another relationship. He also shouldn't get the kids even more confused and hurt than they are at the moment with everything going on.

[trust]

In my state legal seperation is pretty much a prelude to divorce.. In Washington State the "legal seperation" can be turned into a divorce at a moments notice after 6 months. One party doesn't even have to tell the other.

 

A lot of times people are much more generous in a "legal seperation" as one or the other hopes it is just a temporary thing... It is really not!

 

If you want to test her out, ask for everything you want in the "legal separation" that she wants. If she is just thinking this is a temporary thing, or something to teach you a lesson then she won't balk when you ask for the house and kids.

 

My advice to you is to play this very carefully, act like a pathetic wimp, don't get nasty with her, act like you are completely in-love with her and would do anything to save the marriage. Behind the scenes, figure out how to convince her to give you custody of the kids...(tell her she is the love of your life and you'll wait for her and other pathetic nonsense), see if you can get most of the assets. Make her feel guilty for leaving and make her think you will be waiting for her! Its a game now, you need to step up and play.

 

cta7978: LOL! I had to laugh at your post. I wonder if you are friends with my ex because that's exactly what she was doing to me. Sounds like EXCELLENT advice that I wish I had back when my ex was gaming me. Where was this site when I was going through this crap?

 

Aggravating thing is, most of these guys won't listen because they can't. Love is a drug and it's deluded their decision making process. They hear you alright...but more often than not, they won't do ANYTHING you advise them to do. Some people MUST learn the hard way (me included). But great thing is - it won't happen again. And not only that, I feel it my obligation to try to sink in such good advice into these guys heads, even if I only have a 1% success rate. If I can save only one, then I'm happy!

 

Which brings me to another subject (not meaning to hi-jack this thread), but fellas - WE NEED PRENUP. I'll start a thread going into those details.

[TrustInYourself]

I'm going to pop some cta action. I like eet.

[cruiser]

Okay so today the legal separation papers show up. in the papers the attorney asks me to leave the house, and start immediate child support while paying all the bills. Pretty much asking me to be a stand up guy.

 

My questions are do I have to give her anything before the separation is final?

 

And the kicker is she trys paying for part of her attorney bill using the checking account, after she tells me that her mom was going to flip the attorney fees on her end. The banker called because it put the checking account negative, he and I agreed to return the check:lmao:. My kids are begging her to come back home, and I am against it also. So the he** if I am going to pay for her to file for a separaton that she is the only one in the family that wants it. I called over to the want to be lesbian house(thats were she is living) to talk to the kids, and then try to tell her about the check being returned, she says she doesn't want to talk........ Okay but you need to know something..... I guess she will figure it out whe the law firm calls to tell her:o.

 

Another question is can I prolong this process once the papers are served, without it being expensive because of fightng over little things. but maybe ignore the papers or ask for more than the 30 days?

[Gunny376]

You don't have to give her anything until the final divorce decree is handed down.

 

The fact that she's retained a law firm and had you served really doesn't mean anythng. Its just the opening salvo. They're just telling you what she's wanting from the divorce, and her attorney and she are hoping that you will be an "easy lay-down" kind of guy, roll over and just sign away everything.

 

You can drag this out for as long as you want, all depends upon how much money you have ~ it can get expensive. And so it becomes a war of attrition, who can hold out the longest, and who has the most money.

 

In most jurisdictions, your only obligated to reply within thirty days. (Why did you sign for the papers to begin with? Just because some joker comes knocking at your door doesn't mean you have to answer.)

 

Your going to need to lawyer up and but quick! And you need to go NC or minimum contact with the STBXW. EVerything you say and do ~ (and even some out-of-this-world made up crap) can and will be used against you in a court of law)

 

Document, document, document! Go to Walmart and for less than $10 you can get a big, thick, black journal. Write down verbatim word for word any and everything that comes of the STBXW's mouth, that she does, claims etc.

 

Every dime you spend on joint martial assets, (house, car, the children) keep the receipts. Close the joint checking account, and get a letter from the bank about the returned check. If you can't close the joint checking account, reduce it to it minimium, and quit depostiing checks (yours anyway) into it. Close any and all other joint accounts, and re-open them in your name only.

 

Now is the time to scan your credit report ~ monthly until your well the other-side of all of this. Your going to want to be watching your financial affairs like a hawk watching a chicken. I wouild even suggest calling the IRS and making sure she's not "back-dooring" you in some way with them.

 

If she has the children, your going to need to "pony up" and pay some sort of monthly child support ASAP. If not the full amount, then as much as you afford to pay right now. But pay something.

 

 

If you can't afford an attorney right now you should be able to go down to the "Clerk of the Courts" office and get some pretty good idea of what you should be paying.

 

Even back when I was going through it, back before the internet and such sites as LS, there were books that would ~ could give you a pretty good idea of what you should be paying in child support.

 

Don't fall for the "Rent is $600, the utilities are $200, and groceries are $200 ~ we've got two children, so $1000 divided by 3 is $333.33 X 2 = $666.66. The cost of having even one more person let alone two live with you is increimential.

 

That is to say the cost of renting a one bedrooom apartment over a two bedroom is twice as much, but is an incrimetial increase. Ditto with heating and cooling it.

 

cta's got it right! Beg and plead your un-dying love for her, while "back-dooring" her to get what you want and need out of the marriage. Shot for the moon, you can always settle for low orbit later.

[mr_han]

Where you from man? legal separation does not break the marriage bond, it is a separation in bed and board. the legal separation legitimizes your separation but not the marriage per se. Divorce does. If she wants to get out of the marriage, make it a divorce. you cant marry when you are legally separated but when you are divorced you are free to marry again. Do you have plans to marry again?

[cruiser]

Where you from man? legal separation does not break the marriage bond, it is a separation in bed and board. the legal separation legitimizes your separation but not the marriage per se. Divorce does. If she wants to get out of the marriage, make it a divorce. you cant marry when you are legally separated but when you are divorced you are free to marry again. Do you have plans to marry again?

Thats exactly right. We will still be married. Which was one of the questions I asked at the start. Is that some hope I can hang onto for my family? I asked her how come she filed for legal separation and not divorce? She said because she wanted to protect herself financially and not sure what she wants. Yet when she is worked up she says its over forever. I don't get it. Then the next time she says that we may reconcile and we may noy, that she can't give me answers now. If she needs time to think about things, do it. I would still support her and it wouls save everybody about $8000.00 dollars.

[SingleDad]

I an one of the few who optimistically views separation as a chance to make things right and repair the marriage (while locking in the custody and financial terms of a divorce at today's rates). That is, I am optimistically in a state of Denial - Denial is a human protection emotion to allow us to more slowly cope with a more devestating possibility.

 

I posted a new thread "what a woman wants" that I re-posted from another forum. I think it may give us naive men some perspective from a woman who is considering divorcing her H.

[Billy Bob]

cta7978: LOL! I had to laugh at your post. I wonder if you are friends with my ex because that's exactly what she was doing to me. Sounds like EXCELLENT advice that I wish I had back when my ex was gaming me. Where was this site when I was going through this crap?

 

Aggravating thing is, most of these guys won't listen because they can't. Love is a drug and it's deluded their decision making process. They hear you alright...but more often than not, they won't do ANYTHING you advise them to do. Some people MUST learn the hard way (me included). But great thing is - it won't happen again. And not only that, I feel it my obligation to try to sink in such good advice into these guys heads, even if I only have a 1% success rate. If I can save only one, then I'm happy!

 

Which brings me to another subject (not meaning to hi-jack this thread), but fellas - WE NEED PRENUP. I'll start a thread going into those details.

 

I really enjoyed your posts too Trust, and you're right, all these poor shmoes are scrambling to convince thier cheating, walk-away spouses to take them back.. when in reality they just need to take care of business and move on. If a spouse ever reaches the point where they are not "in-love" with their mate anymore, or need to "find themselves", the deal is pretty much done already.

 

I think lots of these walk-away spouses want out of the relationship but they just don't have the gumption to just do it, instead they sit on the fence for a while... maybe they just don't want to absolutely crush their spouse or they are scared of the financial implications of doing it alone. Many of these poor saps read too much into the walk-away spouse's fence riding and think they are still in-love or clouded and they can win them back... 99% of the time they are just delaying the inevitable and torturing themselves.

 

After going through it myself, I will never hang on to a dysfunctional relationship like that again. I want to be with someone I can trust, with open communication and wants to be with me as much as I want to be with them.

 

I can honestly say that I am glad I am divorced from my nutjob ex-wife of 13 years. I'm 2 years post divorce, been dating a wonderful woman for the last 6 months, really enjoying my life being in a healthy relationship.

 

My ex was the one who wanted the divorce.. I worked on it for 9 months in counseling, etc.. all worthless. We married very young and she figured the grass was greener out there for her... it wasn't! It was however very much greener for me. She tried to come back several times over the last 2 years.. I want nothing to do with her. I played the game and ended up with the house, the kids and now a great new woman in my life. And had lots of fun dating different girls looking for the right woman

 

There is life after divorce and it can be great!

[Billy Bob]

Thats exactly right. We will still be married. Which was one of the questions I asked at the start. Is that some hope I can hang onto for my family? I asked her how come she filed for legal separation and not divorce? She said because she wanted to protect herself financially and not sure what she wants. Yet when she is worked up she says its over forever. I don't get it. Then the next time she says that we may reconcile and we may noy, that she can't give me answers now. If she needs time to think about things, do it. I would still support her and it wouls save everybody about $8000.00 dollars.

 

I know it's hard for you to comprehend, but she wants out forever.. don't even listen to the BS spewing out of her mouth. You can do so much better than hanging on to this very dysfunctional relationship.

 

If your spouse "isn't sure what she wants?", why do you want her? A healthy relationship is one where both people know they want each other and don't hurt each other. She wants out and she is scared to do it for many reasons.. You need to grow some nads and help her out the door. Stop giving her the power. She has so much power over you because you are still in-love with her (or think you are!). Although you are probably in-love with the past relationship you had, the woman you married... things change, people change.. that's not her anymore, she's gone.

[SingleDad]

Can't anyone cling on to hope anymore ?

 

You reaction will either convince her to leave even more so, or could lead her to question her actions.

 

Give her space, give her time, and be there for her if she needs you or you see an opening - but don't push

 

You have been together for 17 years and have two kids together. Don't give up so easily. You made a committment to your wife and to your children. If she breaks it, that is another thing... but don't look back on this years from now and realize you simply gave up without doing all that you could do.

[Chrome Barracuda]

Can't anyone cling on to hope anymore ?

 

You reaction will either convince her to leave even more so, or could lead her to question her actions.

 

Give her space, give her time, and be there for her if she needs you or you see an opening - but don't push

 

You have been together for 17 years and have two kids together. Don't give up so easily. You made a committment to your wife and to your children. If she breaks it, that is another thing... but don't look back on this years from now and realize you simply gave up without doing all that you could do.

 

What ????

 

Are you saying for him to wait around for his wife to ho around town sleeping with men and women embarassing herself is her suedo lesbian life crisis? It aint no phase she wants out!!!

 

I tell crusier to give it to her, full force with no ky!!!!!

 

Crusier go get a lawyer, change the locks and apply for full custody!!!!

 

She left the house that's abandonment right there and dont leave unless ordered by the courts. Its time to lawyer up! dont wait a minute please give us an update!

[trust]

Can't anyone cling on to hope anymore ?

 

You reaction will either convince her to leave even more so, or could lead her to question her actions.

 

Give her space, give her time, and be there for her if she needs you or you see an opening - but don't push

 

You have been together for 17 years and have two kids together. Don't give up so easily. You made a committment to your wife and to your children. If she breaks it, that is another thing... but don't look back on this years from now and realize you simply gave up without doing all that you could do.

 

*sigh* Cling on to hope? Yes. Cling on to false hope? No. I do admire your compassion though. But this man does not need any more confusion right now. Hope is on a case by case basis. This isn't a hope filled case.

 

@gunny: Damn. I'm going to cut and paste your posts and email them for my poor schmoe friends who are going through this. Great advice. OP, please listen to this guy to the T! And, if you've got a little extra cash, I would invest in a particular cell phone - the Nokia N95. It will automatically record both sides of the conversation without beeping and store it on the internal memory chip. If you are in a State where there is what's called "one party consent" in regards to the privacy law, the telephone calls you have with her on that phone are admissible in court. I would rather not give out this information to the public because I wouldn't want some cheating skank to take my information and use it against her poor schmoe husband...so I may need another form of communication for you for the *really* covert stuff.

 

There is a hurricane coming your way and you are dead center. After it rips you apart in one direction, things will be quiet as the eye moves over you ....then it will rip you apart in reverse. Get out of the way!

 

Man I have so much to say about this one that I don't even know where to start. *For me*, I'm a guy who needs a solid foundation. Anything else just doesn't make sense. My solid foundation for my marriage (for starters) is the vows. If the vows are broken (she cheated), the marriage is broken. Say you and I agree to be friends. I kill your mom (say she's a very nice person) for the sport of it. That pretty much means I'm not your friend anymore. I broke the deal. Would you sit around wondering what *you* should do with our friendship? Why are you sitting around wondering what to do with your wife?

 

*I* know why you're still sitting around. You didn't disconnect from her. You're blindsided. You're confused. It's going to take time. You wouldn't be human if you could just flip the switch and do what these good people are advising. But that's what it's going to come down to -how quickly you get your balls back. You don't have time right now. She'll use that time to her advantage. Stop listening to that craziness that's coming out of her mouth. As a man you have a need to make sense. She won't make sense so don't even try it. She'll just wear you down emotionally and guess what happens then? You're even weaker and more confused.

[trust]

Uhh...don't play the "change the locks game." You won't win. She can just "change them back." All it takes is a call to a locksmith. Around these parts, the locksmiths don't even ask to see your driver's license. They'll just do the work if you have $50 for the service call and $10 per lock. And then she'll use that against you in court.

 

Be warned:

 

Evil divorce attorney advice step 1. THE RACE TO THE RESTRAINING ORDER.

 

If she wants you out of the house, the best way to do it is get a restraining order saying you hit her. Doesn't have to be a matter of fact. She doesn't even need proof. She just needs to bring proof one month later when your court hearing is scheduled to grant the restraining order. So she can't prove it and the judge dismisses it. That was just a diversion. Fact is, the first one to the police requesting the restraining order gets home base (gets to stay in the house until the restraining order court date). Don't be that guy. My wife tried to pull that sh*t with me when she called 911 OUT OF THE F'ING BLUE. I called her boss and got her to stay on the phone as my witness that I wasn't doing anything to that crazy skank. Lucky for me, the cop who got to my house had the same thing happen to him IN HIS PAST DIVORCE so he wasn't going for it! With the cop raising an eyebrow at her, and her boss on the phone, she backed down.

 

I'M NOT ADVISING THAT YOU DO THIS TO HER. I'm warning you that it may be coming your way. There's really no way to prevent it. I just got lucky.

 

You've been warned.

[sumdude]

Can't anyone cling on to hope anymore ?

 

You reaction will either convince her to leave even more so, or could lead her to question her actions.

 

Give her space, give her time, and be there for her if she needs you or you see an opening - but don't push

 

You have been together for 17 years and have two kids together. Don't give up so easily. You made a committment to your wife and to your children. If she breaks it, that is another thing... but don't look back on this years from now and realize you simply gave up without doing all that you could do.

 

 

You can cling to hope... but almost every time the separation has already happened the realstic hope is already gone. Been there, wore the T-shirt, put the bumper sticker on my car. And like most every other l-shacker on this board who's been through it learned the reality of what "I love you but I'm not in love with you anymore." means.

 

But just in case ... if you somehow beat those huge longshot odds. The best way is still to move on with your life.

 

To the OP:

 

As far a separation agreement? In most states that's how you get the financial and property issues settled before the official divorce. In fact they should be called pre divorce settlements. That way once you're in court to divorce it's just severing the marriage.. all the other things have already been taken care of. the separation agreement is added to the divorce decree and that's it.

 

I strongly suggest not to let your wife run this part of the show. IOW get your own lawyer and draft up or edit up a counter offer. Take your time, making these long reaching financial decisions under emotional turmoil is a bad idea. Don't sign jack until your sure you're comfortable with it. I didn't have much to deal with financially with the ex.. but I still had consults with 3 different lawyers and picked one to write the separation agreement. ALSO do not let the lawyers run the show either... then it often gets ugly and very expensive. Remeber you're paying them to do what you want. There are such things as arbitration lawyers.. who work for both of you.

[Gunny376]

You can cling to hope... but almost every time the separation has already happened the realstic hope is already gone. Been there, wore the T-shirt, put the bumper sticker on my car. And like most every other l-shacker on this board who's been through it learned the reality of what "I love you but I'm not in love with you anymore." means.

 

But just in case ... if you somehow beat those huge longshot odds. The best way is still to move on with your life.

 

To the OP:

 

As far a separation agreement? In most states that's how you get the financial and property issues settled before the official divorce. In fact they should be called pre divorce settlements. That way once you're in court to divorce it's just severing the marriage.. all the other things have already been taken care of. the separation agreement is added to the divorce decree and that's it.

 

I strongly suggest not to let your wife run this part of the show. IOW get your own lawyer and draft up or edit up a counter offer. Take your time, making these long reaching financial decisions under emotional turmoil is a bad idea. Don't sign jack until your sure you're comfortabGle with it. I didn't have much to deal with financially with the ex.. but I still had consults with 3 different lawyers and picked one to write the separation agreement. ALSO do not let the lawyers run the show either... then it often gets ugly and very expensive. Remeber you're paying them to do what you want. There are such things as arbitration lawyers.. who work for both of you.

 

Good post SD!