smartgirl Posted June 13, 2008 Posted June 13, 2008 Hey guys, there are a lot of you that have offered some great insights on other threads. Could some of you please weigh in on the "For BS" thread by Rubies for horses. She is the WS and she needs some more relevant insights and advice on helping her H to heal than some of us have been able to give. Thanks!
twice_shy Posted June 13, 2008 Posted June 13, 2008 All I can say is, she needs to realize that she scarred him. That scar is for life no matter if they move on and if he has forgiven her or not. He may be able to forgive, but he will never be able to forget. I can only speak for myself, but I have heard the same things from other male BS's on this board. What will run through her H's thoughts is, she is not the person he thought she was. She has a VERY undesirable trait. And whether or not she ever cheats again, the trait is still there. He may get to a point where he simply doesn't think about the betrayal from a day to day basis, but it WILL come back to haunt him from time to time. And even if he bottles it up and she never sees it, he will be reeling inside and will get angry...he just won't show it. What can she do to help her husband heal? Really? She may not like the answer, but here it goes. She will have to show him she won't cheat again. She will have to refrain from doing things that more easily helps spawn cheating...like partying, going to bars/clubs. If there is a function where alot of men will be that she will not be taking him too and that lasts til the late hours of the night, or more to the point, early morning, then it isn't a good idea. She will have to be VERY loving and affectionate towards him....even if he doesn't return that affection. In other words, don't be surprised if she comes up behind him while he is fixing something to eat in the kitchen, puts her arms around him and gives him a warm hug that he doesn't return the affection. He may stand there and keep doing what he is doing without a mention. But he will probably appreciate it just the same. He will have that shield up at the same time wanting that contact with her(that is if he truly forgave her and isn't digusted by her touch). In short, she is going to have to bust her ass to make him feel loved and quit doing things that would make any man suspicious. It may take a few years. If she isn't willing to put in the time that it takes to make things right after what she did, then she needs to divorce and set him free. On another note about what may be running through a BS's mind, he will look at her and think a number of things. First and foremost in his mind will be that he is married to a cheater. He will have feelings of despair like he has to be completely perfect to keep her from cheating again. He will always wonder when she is away from him if she is in bed with someone else. And if he had nightmares before, he REALLY has them now. So she needs to realize that the damage is probably far greater than she realizes and she needs to be a surgeon to fix it the best she can. me personally, as I'm sure you all know, wouldn't stay with a cheater. But if he is willing to do so, for whatever reason, then these are the things she needs to do. If she isn't willing, then set him free.
silktricks Posted June 13, 2008 Posted June 13, 2008 All I can say is, she needs to realize that she scarred him. That scar is for life no matter if they move on and if he has forgiven her or not. He may be able to forgive, but he will never be able to forget. I can only speak for myself, but I have heard the same things from other male BS's on this board. What will run through her H's thoughts is, she is not the person he thought she was. She has a VERY undesirable trait. And whether or not she ever cheats again, the trait is still there. He may get to a point where he simply doesn't think about the betrayal from a day to day basis, but it WILL come back to haunt him from time to time. And even if he bottles it up and she never sees it, he will be reeling inside and will get angry...he just won't show it. What can she do to help her husband heal? Really? She may not like the answer, but here it goes. She will have to show him she won't cheat again. She will have to refrain from doing things that more easily helps spawn cheating...like partying, going to bars/clubs. If there is a function where alot of men will be that she will not be taking him too and that lasts til the late hours of the night, or more to the point, early morning, then it isn't a good idea. She will have to be VERY loving and affectionate towards him....even if he doesn't return that affection. In other words, don't be surprised if she comes up behind him while he is fixing something to eat in the kitchen, puts her arms around him and gives him a warm hug that he doesn't return the affection. He may stand there and keep doing what he is doing without a mention. But he will probably appreciate it just the same. He will have that shield up at the same time wanting that contact with her(that is if he truly forgave her and isn't digusted by her touch). In short, she is going to have to bust her ass to make him feel loved and quit doing things that would make any man suspicious. It may take a few years. If she isn't willing to put in the time that it takes to make things right after what she did, then she needs to divorce and set him free. On another note about what may be running through a BS's mind, he will look at her and think a number of things. First and foremost in his mind will be that he is married to a cheater. He will have feelings of despair like he has to be completely perfect to keep her from cheating again. He will always wonder when she is away from him if she is in bed with someone else. And if he had nightmares before, he REALLY has them now. So she needs to realize that the damage is probably far greater than she realizes and she needs to be a surgeon to fix it the best she can. me personally, as I'm sure you all know, wouldn't stay with a cheater. But if he is willing to do so, for whatever reason, then these are the things she needs to do. If she isn't willing, then set him free. What a totally great post, TS. I know that you tried to stay with your wife after you found out she cheated. If she had not resisted the ideas you set forth here (stopping partying with friends, etc), do you think you could have eventually forgiven her --- no, never mind --- I have a hunch that she would have to have been a totally different person to have stopped, so it's just a silly question.
Owl Posted June 13, 2008 Posted June 13, 2008 TS, I often don't care for your tone or attitude...but with that said... This was the most thoughtful, well-phrased, MEANINGFUL post I've seen in a good long time. THIS is a prime example of a very helpful post!!!
rubies_for_horses Posted June 14, 2008 Posted June 14, 2008 TS: thank you for the advice. that was the most insight i've seen you give. and i am doing those things. i never used to cook or make sure he ate lunch instead of going all day until dinner without eating - small things like that would have made a difference. and i'm doing those things, even when i don't feel like it. and i never went out and partied to begin with - i was a graduate student. i was not a partier. however, i don't go anywhere unless he is comfortable with it - and i make sure he has my itinerary and a good, clear idea of where i'll be and who i'm with. i am also constantly affectionate - sexually and otherwise - whether he is cold or not. i think all of the things you have said are true and i think they will all help with time.
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